Narkless' story

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#1 Jun 12 - 8PM
Narkless
Narkless's picture

Narkless' story

Brand new here! Figured I'd start by posting my story. I'm sure I'm going to forget a lot so bear with me.

I met my ex-NH in high school. We were friends but not super close. After graduation he moved away, I was in a serious relationship with someone else. Fast forward a few years, ex-NH moves back, I'm still with the boyfriend (although not happy). Ex-NH sees me out one night and says, "When you get rid of the loser, give me a call."

Fast forward another couple of years, I'm single, saw the ex-NH at a party. We immediately starting dating, whirlwind relationship. Tons of long, deep conversations. Said things like, "You're the only one I've felt comfortable with in a really long time." "You really get me", "I'm sure I am going to find a way to screw this up, I always do."

We moved into together after 6 months. Around this time is when he told me he got in trouble for drugs. He had been facing a 10 year sentence for distributing. This was a shocker to me as I despise drugs and being around them. However, I felt sorry for him so I stayed. One day he was in the shower and I heard him muttering under his breath about me. How much of a fat disgusting pig I was, I didn't take care of myself, etc. None of it was true. I felt like I was punched in the gut. He comes out of the shower and I said, "I heard everything you said, you need to get the f**k out of my apartment." So then he turns it around and convinces me it was my fault. "Oh you were listening at the door, well it's true... you don't take care of yourself, you don't eat right, you don't eat enough" etc. etc. etc. I knew something was wrong... it didn't feel right. Nevertheless I ended up marrying the idiot about 2 years later.

A year into the marriage I discovered his porn addiction. At one point he was pretending to go to work and looking at it 8 hours a day. He would also get up in the middle of the night and watch it. At this point, I didn't even know what to do. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain.

A while later, I cashed in $35k of stock. Put a down payment on a house with him. Put $13k of it in a joint account for our nest egg. A few months after we were in the house I got pregnant with my first son. Stopped drinking completely (obviously), started feeling better about myself and had hope for our relationship as he was more attentive for a short time. When I was about 5 months pregnant I discovered he continued watching porn, continued smoking pot. We had argument after argument about it. He always turned it around on me saying I ruined everything because I didn't trust him and snooped. He continued to say he found nothing wrong with it. He would also go out with his friends 3 or 4 nights a week and I would be home alone. This continued even after our son was born.

After the baby it was more of the same except it escalated. I could never do anything right... couldn't take care of the baby, the house was never clean enough, I couldn't even grocery shop correctly. If I questioned him, he argued me to death until I felt like my head was spinning.

3 months after the birth of our first son I found I was pregnant with our second son. This was a shocker as we only had sex ONE TIME after the birth of my first son. I didn't want to have sex with him. It was degrading, he always wanted A sex, it felt disgusting and dirty. When I found out I was pregnant with our second son I was devastated. How could I handle two babies when he wouldn't even help me with the one we already had? When I was 6 months pregnant with my second son I actually packed my bags to leave him after he came home drunk one night and I heard him downstairs calling me a lazy c**t because I didn't empty the dishwasher.

Fast forward to when my second son was 6 months old. Things went from bad to worse. There was an incident where he threw my older son across the couch because he was crying and screamed at me because I should've kept him asleep from the car to the house. About a week after that, he came home drunk and high... we were supposed to go to a family christmas party. He was supposed to be watching our older son while I hurried to get ready because he had shown up so late. He wasn't watching him and my son fell down the stairs. Then he threw our 6 month old son into his car seat because he was scared and crying over the whole incident.

That is when I had enough. It wasn't just about me anymore. I told him it was counseling or we were done. We went to counseling and the counselor told me in a separate meeting that he was a narcissist. He lacked empathy and compassion. The counselor recommended that my ex-NH move out, which he did.

Ex-NH continued to badger me one second, then be crying and hoovering the next. I decided to file. As soon as I filed, he moved back in the house and proceeded to terrorize me for 2 months. He even did things like go through my mail and hid a wedding invitation from one of my friends in his backpack in the basement. Every night I did the NC thing and retreated to my room (I read a lot of books in this time!)

It all came to a head one day when he took all the baby supplies out of the house and up to his parents'. He told me I should go buy more. I couldn't because I didn't have any money. As I did more discovery, I found that he had completely depleted the joint account with all the money, he had $14,000 in credit card debt on top of this. I also found that he had been contributing almost nothing to the joint household bills. The next day my parents took me to get more and stupidly I labeled them with my name. He came home and went ballistic, cornered me in a room while I was holding my baby and calling me a c&&t. I slapped him in the forehead and he called 911 and I was arrested for assault. I couldn't go within 50 ft of my house.

I went to DV counseling and individual counseling and slowly but surely started to get my life back. We have been divorced for about 2 1/2 years now and I still have issues with the whole thing. At times I feel like I wasted so much time on that relationship and wish I never met him. But then again, I wouldn't have my sons. The main thing I worry about is what he is going to do to them. He is already trying to control and manipulate them and it scares me to death that I won't be able to protect them from him.

I can't go completely NC with him as we share custody of our sons so that is what I struggle with now. The constant email wars, his hot and cold behavior... sometimes he acts angry with me and I have no idea why. Then he'll bring it up a week later and I ask him why he can't just tell me what his problem is and he'll say "I shouldn't have to tell you how to parent." It's unnerving and exhausting and I feel like I'll have to deal with this nightmare forever.

Jun 13 - 12PM
Narkless
Narkless's picture

One other thing that's been

One other thing that's been on my mind lately and I can not shake it. I think it's because he's been so controlling over the boys and everything I do with them... when we were in counseling, I remember something he said vividly. We were talking about all of our marital issues and he blamed everything on our sons and the fact that it's a lot to take care of two kids that aren't even a year apart. He said he thought I had post-partum depression and was manifesting it into other issues. I explained that wasn't the problem. The kids were the only thing keeping me together and I was thankful for them EVERY day. What I did have a problem with was him over my shoulder telling me I was diapering them wrong, feeding them wrong, plus he was gone all the time and I never knew when he was going to be home (one incident he was out with his friend to watch a hockey game and said he'd be home by 9:00. He didn't come home until 1:00 a.m. and he was drunk as a skunk, falling into things... he had DRIVEN HOME and hit a guard rail!!!) so I was stressed about that. Then when he did get home he would pick a fight with me over things that weren't done in the house when I was trying to take care of two children AND do all the housework, cooking, laundry, etc. You know what he said then? He said that he never even wanted the kids and I forced him into it and he resented me for it. We actually PLANNED my first son. How could he say that? And now... now because *I* want them and he knows they mean everything to me... that's when he is playing father of the year. He doesn't really want them. He just doesn't want me to have them. And now he has a girlfriend and he moved her and her mother into his house (WHA??? I don't get that at ALL. He tried to separate me from my mother when we were married and now his girlfriend's mother moves into their house???). Anyway... the girlfriend is now on my ass about how I raise the kids too!!! She acts like she has all the answers because she's taken a couple psychology classes yet she has no children of her own! Last week she told me that she thinks it's OK to spank them. She also told me that my older son has major behavioral issues and he spills his milk on purpose to make her and my ex-NH angry. She also told me that me putting him in his room when he's in an anger fit is the WORST thing I can do because it puts a bad connotation on bedtime. One thing that did come out of the conversation is that she told me my ex-NH screams at them when they misbehave and 5 minutes later he's saying, "It's OK, Daddy loves you" (How confusing is THAT!?) Honestly, I do not know how to deal with these people at all. I do one of those George Costanza things where I have no idea what to say at that moment in time and I think of all the things I could have said later.
Jun 13 - 9AM
wacaet
wacaet's picture

you have definitely come to

you have definitely come to the right place for support and hopefully some help on how to withdraw from him even though you still have to have some contact welcome
Jun 13 - 1AM
Journey
Journey's picture

Welcome Narkless

Love your 'name' btw :) Your situation sounds very difficult, what an ordeal you've been through. It is true that trying to use normal reasoning with a narc doesn't work, they do things driven by their disorder and not taking on any of the blame he throws at you is always a challenge because they project and accuse without making sense. You are very strong to have made the positive changes you have for yourself and your sons. I am glad you found this forum, it was truly a life saver for me and you will find the support of those who understand what you are dealing with - so stay close when you need to vent, to question, to understand and to heal. ((hugs)) Journey on...

Journey on...

Jun 12 - 11PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Welcome here

Bless you so much for your toughness and courage. You have found a wonderful community here. We really help one another here. You will get to know some of us well as time goes on. You have it tougher than some of us, and you will read about some that have it tougher than you do. I have information, it helps alot. The N is a person with a disorder that can't be cured. It isn't your fault that they are sick. I have joint custody so nc is a real challenge, I have to modify it due to the necessity of visitation issues, as do you. Thats crappy, but thats the way it is for now. You will get support, attention and genuine concern here. It helps. You are not alone. This is here 24/7-365, God bless you... Chris
Jun 12 - 11PM
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

((hugs))

Not forever, just a really long time-- or until he gets hit by a bus (JK). It's so hard for you I'm sure. try to remember he's crazy. YOU ARE DEALING WITH A CRAZY PERSON. It's like trying to make a deaf person hear or a blind person see. They cant do it. He cant be normal because he's crazy. Whatever he says-- try to ignor it-- or at least just take it from where it comes from-- A CRAZY PERSON. He is nuts. Broken. Distroyed. Cant be fixed. Pretend you have three kids not two, just one is a big baby. You unfortunately have to deal with him for now-- but nothing lasts forever. Nothing. ((BIG HUGS))
Jun 12 - 10PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

My my you have been through a

My my you have been through a lot.. Im a single mum too, I have an 11 month old baby boy. I can really relate to your comment that it's not about you anymore... Boy do I hear that. I think I would still be there if it wasn't for the love of my son. As soon as I became pregnant with him I just wouldn't accept bad behavior anymore, it had to stop. We split when my boy was 7 1/2 months old. I have kept my EXN as far away from my child as humanly and legally possible because he is a neglectful abusive father. He does have some access tho unfortunately... Im not looking forward to the next 17 years of coparenting. As awful as it sounds, I pray every night that he will give up on his son.
Jun 13 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Narkless
Narkless's picture

It doesn't sound awful to me.

It doesn't sound awful to me. So many times I wish he'd just give up on them and leave us alone so we all don't have to deal with it. He makes comments to them in the hopes of trying to alienate them from me. It hasn't worked (yet). My boys come home and tell me what Daddy said and I just try, matter of factly and without bashing them, to tell them the truth. They also will say things like, "Daddy says you put the wrong socks on me." "Daddy said you can't remember to do X." I just tell them that Mommy is not perfect, but neither is Daddy and they need to learn how to have patience with people. What I really want to tell them is their father is a pompous jerk, but I don't!