Narcs who prefer being alone

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#1 Sep 6 - 10AM

terri

Narcs who prefer being alone

I've read here on this forum as well in other descriptions about NPD that narcs cannot be alone. That was not my experience. My exN, who has never married, seems to actually prefer to be alone. Even during the two years that we've lived in the same town (he's less than a mile away) he would choose to be at his house alone instead of coming over to my house to be with me and my children (even though he would say that he wanted to be a famiy and do things together).

When he would be with us, he just seemed very uncomfortable. I've suspected that this has something to do with having to be in a group setting where he was not always the center of attention. He would even prefer to take vacations/travel alone instead of having me come along.

Has anyone else been with narcs that are similar to this?

#2 Sep 12 - 2AM

Alibi_10

cave dwellers

This thread gets more interesting. In my quest to find out what has happened. .. I was beginning to think HE was not typical because he said he did not owe anybody anything and did not need anybody for anything. He lives in a big house and rattles around in there. It is like a show house. No sign that anyone lives there. No pictures, no photos. .. it is immaculate. When he came to mine he commented that I had too much stuff and if we lived together it would have to be pared down because it would give him a headache! He always felt better when he had returned to his kingdom! Freak. Yes my house is small and lived in but I told him I would ather spend time with friends than doing stuff in the house. He could not get that and saud he felt sorry for me! !!! x

#3 Sep 12 - 1AM

girlfriday

They LOVE being alone... so

They LOVE being alone... so that they can watch porn, masturbate, troll the internet for their next sucker, and indulge in their fantasies without anyone having the audacity to snap them into reality. On the other hand, they love having you there (the genie in the bottle...GREAT analogy) to stroke their ego, reflect their greatness back at them (but watch out for when you don't do this correctly anymore!!!) and make them look good by association. Oh did I forget to say also so that they can bat you around like a cat toy?

#4 Sep 6 - 9PM

agnesmurphy17

Solitude? I don't think so.

I think Ns want the woman to be a genie in bottle. Only want you there when the rub the bottle. When they are away, never think of you. But, as with a genie, they need to know you are there waiting for them, therefore, they are never alone. I wish this was my idea. But, Dr. Otto F. Kernberg, M.D.--one of the seminal psychiatists in the area of narcissim talks about the genie in the bottle--people are genies in bottles for narcissists. When I was with my N, he needed his solitude because I wanted to spend time with him. The woman who replaced me was a M.D. working 60-80 hour a week. With her he was always complaining that she was too busy. When he was with me he, too, was working 60-80 hours a week. One would have thought the perfect relationship--two busy people. Perhaps solitude is contrariness because you want to be with him. Or, a means to avoid intimacy? And if the woman wants solitude, then he demeans her interests outside of the relationship because that is something beyind his control & not focused on him?

#5 Sep 7 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

terri

agnesmurphy

Thanks for your reply. I agree with everything in it - a very good analogy of genie in a bottle. I remember that before my exN moved to my town (after 6 years of a long distance relationship) he constantly stated is fear of not having his "alone time" to ride his Harley, play golf, do his work, or whatever. After he moved here, he hardly ever did any of those things - even though I intentionally gave him LOTS of space. He actually ended up complaining that I wasn't available enough for him. I would remind him that he need the alone time for his other interests. His answer "I'm afraid to do any of that because you bitch all the time about NOT being with you." I don't think I've ever complained that he didn't spend enough time with me.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#6 Sep 7 - 4PM (Reply to #22)

terri

agnesmurphy

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#7 Sep 6 - 10PM (Reply to #21)

Bodhi

I think it's a combination

I think it's a combination of both control and avoiding intimacy. By the end of the relationship, if I wanted to spend time with him, I would ignore him. Worked like a charm every time... so sad. If I even had the audacity to suggest "us" time, then I was too needy.

#8 Sep 6 - 7PM

Tinker

prefers being alone

Terri, i had the same experience. My N never married, family won't talk to him, no friends. Few or no LT relationships. Says he's lonely but how insulting is that when I wanted to be with him? He was uncomfortable in social situations tho could run his business OK. It was hurtful that he'd complain about long car trips but never asked me to come. These things won't change, unfortunately. I know my N will never be able to commit or live with me full time. So sad...they just can't keep up the facade for long. marissa

#9 Sep 6 - 2PM

Playedwithfire

afraid of being alone

my ex hated to be alone. When we were dating again to attempt reconciliation, he guilted and manipulated me to come over to his place. I have saved texts from him asking me to stop by and him saying he hates being alone. But at family events he would find his way to the tv or far away from everyone to sit by himself. I felt I had to babysit him at family events and then we would only leave b/c HE wanted to go home. So... I guess they can be different at times. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#10 Sep 6 - 1PM

Alibi_10

Terri - Being alone

Mmm .. something else in common. He said once that he wouldn't care if he never spoke to another human being ever as he was surrounded by idiots (never said present company excepted !) and was too good for most people. Bizarrely, although he could quite happily walk along ignoring me, he would stop and speak to every stranger en route! Don't know what that's all about - but he has led quite a hermit-like existence after break-up of marriage. Or so he says .... I am beginning to think that I didn't know anything about him at all, he was so secretive - but definitely resented the fact that I have many friends, some from childhood. He only had one and did not speak to his family either. Day 2 of NC - this feels like it will never end !

#11 Sep 6 - 10AM

Bodhi

Totally

My ex-narc does mostly fine in social situations, but he's always been sort of a loner. When we started dating he wanted to be with me 24/7 (to the point where it was making me a little claustrophobic) but when our honeymoon period was fading, just like Jekyll & Hyde he could not get enough alone time. He was doing whatever he could to spend less time with me... he was sleeping in later & later on the weekends... going on errands without me... not answering my phone calls... skipping family events... I could go on & on. This is when he started accusing me of being needy. He also had some seemingly related odd behavior... when we were together we barely went out socially. There were many weekends that we barely left our apartment. He also always like to have the shades down. I would open up the blinds in the kitchen and five minutes later they were closed. Have you read Eat, Pray, Love? I come back to this book all the time because a) I LOVE IT and b) the author has a relationship with an emotionally troubled man in the book who could possibly be a narc... the author writes: ...This is when he started to retreat, and that's when I saw the other side of my passionate romantic heroâ€”the David who was solitary as a castaway, cool to the touch, in need of more personal space than a herd of American bison... yup, that pretty much sums it up for me!! :)

#12 Sep 6 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

Bodhi

P.S.

Let me also add... although my ex-narc did always want to be alone, I think it was a constant struggle for him... wanting the alone time, but also needed that source of supply.

#13 Sep 6 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

anonymous

Same Here Ladies - Mine is a Cave Dweller

His decision to discard me was made, in part, because he would rather be alone than live what he called a life of quiet desperation in a relationship in which a child was involved. He insisted that he was not going to be like his father (even though he really is but just can't see it). Never mind an OW - it's very painful to know that your ex chose being with *nothing* over being with you. He said he couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't give 100% of myself to him. He said he couldn't share me with my daughter. He was so damaged by his FOO - sad. =(

#14 Sep 6 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Bodhi

Morty

Between the passive aggressive behavior and the social isolation, I'm starting to wonder if we dated the same guy! Maybe we should form our own support group :P I LOL'd at "cave dweller". When we broke up, my ex-narc was not depressed, but excited, because he was moving into his own apartment [for the first time in his life] which he named his "fortress of solitude". So, believe me when I know how it feels to be left for nothing. Mine also had majuh daddy issues. His dad was a completely unavailable work-a-holic that never gave him the time of day. The only time I saw my ex-narc cry was when his dad canceled plans. I never liked his father, and after the honeymoon phase ended, that is exactly what my ex was turning into. Two years later, I still have a hard time accepting that the guy I fell in love with was really the nightmare he turned out to be.

#15 Sep 6 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

Amy

OMG! Fortress of solitude

My ex-fiance N referred to his house as his "fortress of solitude". Even though we were engaged and lived less than a mile apart, we never moved in together (mind you - we dated over 5 years!) and he only stayed here a couple of nights a week. Weird weird weird!

#16 Sep 7 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

Bodhi

Amy

What a coincidence... but can't say that I'm surprised!! :)

#17 Sep 7 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

helldweller

amy and others

The house as a "fortress of solitude"--this is so eerie. The one time I was at his new house socially, we were sitting in the living room and I commented that it was as quiet as a hotel room, even though there is a busy street right behind our block with trucks rumbling by, etc. He said, "There is a foot of insulation in the walls so I won't hear anything." He also made sure that he did not install a doorbell, so no one could ring it or try to come over unannounced, and he never even changed his address with the post office; his mail is still delivered next door, at his brother's house, specifically so the postman won't come to the door. I absolutely cannot understand how he tolerates his foster child, who is a bit emotionally disturbed and, consequently, loud, whiny and demanding, and cannot sit down for even one minute.

#18 Sep 7 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

Bodhi

HA

I surprise visited him once after the breakup... actually the last time I saw him... I rang his doorbell and I could hear him swearing all the way down too the door. He didn't know it was me, but he certainly wasn't in the mood for visitors!

#19 Sep 6 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

anonymous

Fortress of Solitude

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a doofus. My Ex N doens't have an apartment - he has an expensive, 5-bedroom, antique home in the middle of nowhere that he shares with no one but his dog. Sad - beautiful home in which he destroyed two relationships, first his ex-wife and then me. How he can dwell in that cave is beyond me .... If you ever want to correspond off line Bodhi, you're welcome to get my e-mail address from Betty.

#20 Sep 7 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

helldweller

morty

As you may have read, mine "lives" in the seven bedroom house he designed for us. He only comes home to sleep. It drives me nuts. $25,000 marble kitchen island and six-burner stove with grill, and he's never hooked up the stove. meanwhie, down at my two bedroom apartment, I have one kitchen cabinet and stuff falls on my head every time I open it. But we're happy here and my girls can be children. His foster child has to stay in the basement because it's the only place where the walls are painted with stain-resistant paint. God forbid his child shoud touch a wall.

#21 Sep 7 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

anonymous

Expensive stove, et cetera

6-burner, $9,000 Viking stove, check. Doesn't cook anything on it, check. But he's happy to tell you that he has it. Oh yeah, and mention that his house used to be a B&B. Barf.

#22 Sep 6 - 10AM

Used

terri

none of my n,s wanted to be alone,in fact not one i know can be alone, terri i hope i dont offend you, that is not my purpose, b/c he said he went on vactions alone, and stayed in his home alone it doesnt mean it is true, n also said he liked his own company,he didnt allow any visitors, well in that dump who would want to, stayed in his flat for 3 weeks with phone off ,i fell for this, i totally believed he done this from time to time, quite by accident, i found out he had been away on a trip with "a woman friend", when i went on and on aboutit till i drove us both mad about him lying heres what he said, this woman freind relized he was isolating himself[HOW[ and went to his home, why would you go to someone,s home on the off chance if they were known for not wanting visitors.WHY if his phone was off, and said,she said to him you are ill, and took him on a trip.for 3 weeks to this day that stills makes me mad that i bought it, another time he was in for 2weeks with gastroenteritis, a freind of mine saw him at the fair with a woman

#23 Sep 7 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

helldweller

used

oh. my. god. That story makes me want to kill people. the most maddening thing about it is that's it's probably true! Mine said he went to visit his "woman friend" five hours away in California (and hates flying) because "she just got divorced and was suicidal. She needed me." Excuse me, she "needed" you? Hello! Over here!

#24 Sep 6 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

gigi9

used

Not true at all....not all Ns are in fact the same. Mine too is a complete and total hermit and I am CERTAIN of this. I saw it and lived it with my own eyes. I am not a hermit...the complete opposite in fact and this created a tension in the marriage. He questioned my need to go "out" and judged, criticized and tried to control and manipulate my social ways. To the point of attempting to isolate me subtly from friends and family. I am totally convinced that there are at least two types of Ns....covert and overt. One would never identify my type as an N unless you live with him. He in fact rarely if ever went out and when he did he was very particular about where he would go. He had a few constant restaurant for example never deviating from his "norm",rarely if ever venturing "out there." He had judgements about everything...me and the "outside world." He was simply better than everyone and everything so rarely involved himself "out there." Yet when he did rarely present himself "out there" he looked like the most loving, compassionate, funny, interested soul only to dissolve into an impossible child once home. Saying things like "I won't go there again" or "I won't do that again" citing the reason as being that he "Got away from himself." I even contacted the ex girlfriend of his to ask many things of my experience and she validated many things...to include his hermit like nature. I am not making this shit up....can't make this shit up. My N was a hermit indeed and very very very very very difficult for the outside world to identify readily as an N. I think more needs to be written or said about this type of N as it leaves the victim questioning his/herself on may different levels. I believe everyone on here who has posted that there type of N was a hermit as I totally lived it. He would seek supply via internet i.e. dating sites, or through re-contacting old supply, or through subtle "in line at the grocery store I started talking to this girl" ways or through the most recent supply I was last aware of: A married mutual friend he is now having an affair with :). Nice. It is the craziest shit I have ever been through and the most confusing. He is definitley a hermit. I am certain of this. Yet that has never stopped him, nor will it, from seeking and finding supply in his hermit world and in his hermit ways.

#25 Sep 7 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

onwithmylife

reading these post about Narcs being hermits is making me laugh!

Hi everyone,I laugh at what everyone is writing about these moron hermits and that is good ,because mine was a real loner too! He always went around like a John Wayne type, could do everything for himself, did not need anyone but deep down i think he was very lonely and isolated, had only one friend he saw very little, the TV use to be on constantly or else he would read a book a day, anything not to look inward.He finally stopped watching so much TV when I comment ed that was all he did besides eat and sleep and go to work.so many times i would go over there and he would not say a word to me I felt like a piece of furniture,maybe a chair or stool, how sad, some relationship, pathetic right.Helldweller, I like your funny analog about your few cabinets and your exN in his lavish abode, never using any ot it!!.................

#26 Sep 7 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

terri

glad I asked!

Just about everything I've read on your postings about these N's being loners is on target with what I've experienced. I guess this is another commonality with narcs. Mine was so incredibly uncomfortable around people more than a few hours. I always attributed that to being a bachelor all his life, which I'm sure factors in. The other really strange thing about mine was how he just didn't feel comfortable dropping by my house. He needed to be invited. After 8 years of being in a serious relationship (and we were engaged!), he needed to adhere to "formalities". I would tell him that he should consider himself family and just feel free to come and go as he wished. He had a key as well as could get in through the garage. But it was rare for him to come by. He also seemed uncomfortable with me and kids just coming by his house unexpectedly as well. But in the end, he blamed my for not making him feeled loved, not nurturing the relationship, not wanting to spend time with him. I know this falls under the heading of "projection" but I still get confused and wonder if I could have done more, if I am really as cold and unloving as he says. I guess that's what we all struggle with after they've done their narc number on us. At the time, and even to this day, I worry that my house wasn't clean enough, or wasn't nice enough, etc. for him. By the time I finally ended it, I was feeling pretty bad about myself - my self-esteem was in the toilet. And frankly, I'm still struggling with that. I have more questions about the kind of person I am now than I've ever been in my life. ONe of my theories about why these guys are loners is because the majority of people they encounter DO NOT put up with their BS and get the hell away from them. Deep down, they really don't feel worthy of most people and have a very hard time keeping up the false facade for long. I also think of the saying by Groucho Marx that I've always felt applied to why the D&D inevitably occurs: "I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would want me as a member." I think that pretty much sums up why they degrade and devalue anyone who would actually love them. How could they value and respect anyone who actually lowers herself to love them?

Believe in yourself!
Terri

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