A Narc's Living Conditions?!?!

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#1 Jun 23 - 2PM
NeverAgain115
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A Narc's Living Conditions?!?!

I have puzzled over this for a long time and am hoping to get some insight from you all! You all have helped me so much - I hope to return the favor!!

When I first went to narc's condo, I was shocked. He always talked about being "king of his own palace" (roll eyes) and when I walked in, I couldn't believe what I saw...instead of a normal, messy "bachelor pad" - I was greeted with FILTH!! The front door had been clawed and practically destroyed by his dog, the floor had been ripped up in some areas - a trash can in the living room had been knocked over and used Q-tips spilled out everywhere. Some of the walls had mold - the refrigerator door was duct-taped together, I could go on and on - but you get the picture!

He made no attempt to straighten up or explain his living conditions......

But...get this...while I was there and sitting on his bed, he got a feather duster and began lovingly dusting the shelves which held all of his neurology books(he's in the field of neurology) - I mean PAINSTAKINGLY, ODDLY, dusting these books with the most TLC I've ever seen!

Has anyone out there encountered something similiar? Is it yet another symptom of his severe disorder - not seeing things as they really are??

Jun 25 - 7AM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Mine was a neat freak. When

Mine was a neat freak. When he came to visit (I lived out of town when we started seeing each other), I was so impressed that he kept all his stuff folded and piled neatly in his bag in the guest room, voluntarily took our dirty dishes to the kitchen and picked up after us, even made my bed, left no trace of himself anywhere. His house was like that, too. He told me he would eat and drink from his hands over the kitchen sink so as not to dirty dishes or leave crumbs. Cleaned on a weekly basis. At the time, I loved it because I'm a neat freak, too, but the eating over the sink thing sounded extreme even to me. It struck me as someone who desperately needed to be in control of his environment and was afraid to let anyone see any kind of humanity or vulnerability. He needed to be perfect. Just like in my journal entries throughout the relationship - I was recognizing all the pieces, every single one of them; I just wasn't putting them together and seeing what they MEANT.
Jun 24 - 6PM
Littleone
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Slightly off topic the EXN

Slightly off topic the EXN used to take a massive esky to work. It was filled to the brim with moldy sandwiches, garbage, empty smoke packets etc. All he would put in it was his wallet! So he lugged around a garbage box to work everyday. Weirdo!
Jun 24 - 1PM
twisted
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Mine used to walk around our

Mine used to walk around our place saying "This place is filthy. This place is disgusting. We need to clean." And then he'd sit down to watch tv. He'd complain that I left crap everywhere and that I was a slob but I would trip over his stuff all over the floor. I cracked up at the feather duster because mine had one too! And he would dust his computer area diligently but not touch anywhere else. When he visited his mother who lived 3 hours away, he would bring a huge bag of laundry with him for her to do while he was there. He even put some of my things in there once and I had no idea...I was beyond mortified when I found out his mother had washed my underwear. Since he was always the last one out of bed, and always left it a mess, I asked him once very nicely to please make the bed, just throw the duvet over it, takes 2 seconds. He did it once and never again. If I cleaned the litter box for a year but he had to do it just once - he would say that I never did it ever and that he did it all the time. There was one time I remember when after getting the groceries (as always) and hauling them up and putting them away (as always), I purposely left one bag on the kitchen floor with cans it in, just to see what he'd do. He stepped over it for almost a full week, then eventually picked it up and made some remark about me being lazy and spiteful. Mine wanted everything clean - he just wanted someone else to do it. So either he would eventually do something, and be the guy who 'does everything around here because you do nothing' or I would have do it all and he wouldn't have to. Him: win/win. Me: loss/loss. Actually, I was missing him a bit today....after reading my own answer, not so much anymore lol! thanks!
Jun 24 - 6PM (Reply to #27)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Mine was exactly the same!!

Mine was exactly the same!! Would watch tv, drink beer and complain that it was a mess. Cleaned a couple of times- but he did EVERYTHING apparently!
Jun 24 - 2PM (Reply to #26)
WiserNow30
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My Ex N's house was neat on

My Ex N's house was neat on the first floor (he had to keep up his image right?) but heaven forbid you go into the basement or the garage. Those places look like a bomb went off. Stuff thrown everywhere like a total pack rat. Also, he regularly kept the house doors unlocked. So one day when he was out of town, I went in the backdoor, found his social security number and ran his credit. The report came back with none. I also found an ENTIRE BOX of unopened bank and debt collection letters. They were unopened!!!
Jun 24 - 12PM
Scoop
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My narc lived in a rat

My narc lived in a rat infested hovel . Words can not describe the fowlness of his house ! There was a smell there that i though must have been a dead mouse which i though had died in the sofa .. at christmas i went to his house as i knew he wasnt there to see his house mate and bring him a present and we where looking at an over filled ashtray with an unidenterfide thing in it it turned out to be a moldy half eaten pork pie .... rancid ! but he had a chilli plant that ritualisticlly he would care for and panda to its every needs each morning ....crazy ... but to add insult to injory he came round to my beautiful house which is decorated with so much though and taste and quite frankly you could eat youre dinner off the floor and he was so rude about it , he was scathing about my taste , he would laugh at anything i brough new for my house saying it was rubbish ... i remember when i was about 3 months NC i wanted to get rid of my duvet cover as it just reminded me of him so i went to the shops for a whole week trying to decide what one to get and i couldnt make a decision as in the back of my head i could hear his ridicule and laughter over my choise , in the end i chose and it was lovely but that kind of insidious abuse takes a while to go . .. Scoop x
Jun 24 - 8AM
Hunter
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Opposite for me. My was a

Opposite for me. My was a germaphobe, clean and cleans everything with bleach!! Hmmmm maybe he should date clorex! Hunter
Jun 24 - 5AM
really
really's picture

The only time I ever saw my

The only time I ever saw my N's house clean was back in 2004. It was the night that he had asked me to stay over the first time. (I didn't for many reasons.) I never saw it clean again. It was a pit, not just a mess. Dog hair matted into the carpet, layers think. He kept his pile of dirty clothes in the dining room by the table! Of course, the table was covered with crap, so you couldn't eat there anyway. I agree - mess outside = mess inside.
Jun 24 - 5AM
agnesmurphy17
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Reflection of Himself

What you saw was a reflection of his interior. I find it interesting that he has a woman in his bed yet dusts books. Shows his "fear" of intimacy. And, a test of you. Will she allow me to be rude, ignore her, control her, make her wait, allow me to show her that she is less important than myself & my stuff. And there -- you passed the test. You waited. You were submissive to his will. Why you remained in that filth is more of an interesting question for yourself? I look back now. The first inkling of abuse started exactly two weeks prior to our marriage. And he threatened to cancel the wedding if I did not do x & accept his bad behavior. I see now, that was the test. And I passed. I submitted to his will against my best judgment. The wedding was all set, invitations issued, and I was in love, and was scehduled to purchase a house the week after the wedding. Immediately after closing on the house, the abuse started in earnest. After I left him, I went back to the house 3 months later to collect what remained of my possessions. After he pillaged & plundered. The house was "cold" very, very cold (in August heat) & emotionally vacant. My friends who came to protect me more than help. I was afraid to go there alone as I was afraid of him. They said all on their own: "This place is creepy." The new woman had yet to move in & bring some warmth to the place. So the place was a reflection of him. Not filthy because mine hired a cleaning lady to come once a week. But there was no warmth, no soul, no coziness. Just like him -- a shell, a hollow shell.
Jun 24 - 8AM (Reply to #21)
NeverAgain115
NeverAgain115's picture

Great Insight!

Thank you agnesmurphy17 and all of you who responded! Agnesmurphy17 - thank you for the great insight you provided in your reply - you are absolutely right and those are powerful questions to ask myself and answer honestly. I need to post my story which gives all of what happened - but the points you made make a great mirror to hold up in front of me. Thank you all for helping me to make sense of what was senseless!!! He is trash.
Jun 24 - 6AM (Reply to #20)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Yes that's exactly how the

Yes that's exactly how the place looked when I snuck back there to get my things. It was cold, eerie and creepy. The place had a great 'feel' to it when we first moved in but it just got creepier and creepier over time. I was scared in the dark there and I'm not at all scared where I am now. The place stunk too and id only been gone for 3 weeks. Think he had been smoking inside and just generally being dirty. Yuck yuck yuck
Jun 24 - 5AM
Lobo555
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When CharlieSheenWinning had

When CharlieSheenWinning had a home, it was nice and neat. Not compulsively so, but clean and tidy. Then he sold his house, lived on his boat for a while, then the boat got burned in a freak storm while he was in another country working. Now he's homeless and crashing at a friend's with NewWinningWife. Last I talked to him months ago he said he never wants a house or apt. again. He said, "I'm embracing homelessness." He sold all of his furniture or dumped it. Now he has no possessions except a truck and NewWinningWife.
Jun 24 - 5AM (Reply to #18)
Used
Used's picture

lobo555

b/c he lost his home[abandonment] he was never going to lose his home again...so he would rather just keep moving about. i only went to n,s once is so depressed me i went and stood outside...now i knew from other people in his 20/30s/ him and his home were immaculate...it was like a cavern, to have walked on carpet you would have to wade thru...pizza boxes, hair, yes hair where he shaved his head, papers beer cans, dvd,s you name it, it was on his carpet...but you could see what was in his home was once lovely...sofa, so on..at a later date i mentioned this and he was saying..he gave up once b/f but when he split again with an ex.. he got sorted again done it up ect ect..then when he split with another ex....he never cleaned again.. i said but you will feel better living in a clean home...he said i am not you used? i have given up there is no point..up at the windows he had blankets...he had every electric appliance you could name...all unpluged and mouldy... it is hard for me to finally accept i was friends with a alcholic[i didnt know this when i met him...or i choose not to see it] and by the time he was 30 he had given up so by the time i met him....i was fighting a losing battle...he stays in the same clothes for weeks as well... i so regret every beign in his company and biegn associated with him... i still have to live that down. i saw him today having coffee with *A WORKING GIRL* AS HE CALLED THEM...
Jun 24 - 5AM (Reply to #17)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Freeloader

That's what he is a parasite.
Jun 24 - 4AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

I don't know why but this

I don't know why but this post got to me. It hammered the final nail in the coffin for me to let go. It reminded me how I was treated as though I was dirty, unclean and a poor housekeeper. He berated me and put me down when it was him who was the pig. When I first started living with him at the house he was renting he hadnt cleaned the bathroom in the whole year he had been there. It took me 4 hours to clean the black grime. I did his washing, cooked his dinner, made his work lunches and did EVERYTHING and followed him around cleaning up his trail of mess. Yet he called ME A PIG! When I was pregnant, I worked full-time and had to clean the whole house myself because if I didn't, I was a messy pig. I am so unbelieveably done. He treated me like a servant, his own personal maid. I won't be treated like that ever again. Not that I ever wanted to go back. But parts of my life have been on hold. From now on I will never look back. Not a final glance- NOTHING.
Jun 24 - 3AM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

Mine was beyond a pig. When

Mine was beyond a pig. When we first started dating 5 years ago he lived in his parents mansion on the beach, huge room and ensuite. I thought this guy is too good to be true, good looks, so hygenic and clean and smells gorgeous all the time, and so neat a gem to live with. Well....he had a cleaning lady. dum dum.........wrong! He moved into his own place and I would literally dryreech at the smell of mould on plates, he cleans his toilet 4 times a year at most, and mummy dearest comes and does it for him. She also washes, irons and folds his clothes and delivers it to his house, even thought she purchsed him thousands of dollars of white goods. His bathroom literally was caked in dirt and about an inch thick of dust and hair. He asked me to move in with him recently. I refused. I am quite messy, but bathrooms and kitchens need to be hygenic....he is disgusting...I have never seen anything like it. I do not know how many times I cleaned his kitchen because it was growing mould and pests.
Jun 23 - 9PM
deecbee
deecbee's picture

I think it can go either way.

I think it can go either way. I've read a lot about N's being borderline OCD with the cleanliness of their own homes, but they're so fucked up that it wouldn't surprise me to find them at both extremes. Mine is pretty neat. He thinks he an interior decorator or something. I think it all depends on how they manifest their narciness in their daily lives. Some narcs are overtly offensive, rebellious, angry people and display that lack of care through those personal habits. Others try their damndest to fit within social norms and silently manipulate, but overcompensate with an extra-refined style of dress or house.
Jun 24 - 1AM (Reply to #13)
ifinallygotit
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homey person

Mine really just likes his home alot and is a good entertainer with friends. Of course with me he went hot and cold from cooking me fabulous dinners to silent treatment and grumpiness if I wanted a snack after 6 hours with no food (I am skinny and need to eat when I am hungry!!)
Jun 23 - 9PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

mine was a good housekeeper

Neat, clean and better at keeping house and cooking than me but not a neat freak. However, alot of his stuff was old and needed to be tossed or updated but he did not notice. This guy used to make huge bucks and knows about fine things.. He is a big macho dude but kind of lived like a little old lady with all this old crap around. I think it made him comfortable like in mommy's environment. Only his bedroom and man den had his personal stamp on it - rest of house was weird. He grew delicate plants in the kitchen which was incongruent with how rough and tough he was on me. He was impossible to understand
Jun 23 - 9PM
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

Living conditions

My exNarc was a slob as well - stuff everywhere you look, dust, cobwebs - even the inside of the toilet bowl was a disgusting BLACK color, like it had not been cleaned in months or years. GROSS! I never went back. (You'd think he would've cleaned the bathroom before my arrival, at the very least)
Jun 23 - 9PM
ValiditySeeker
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Oddly,

Mine was borderline OCD on the cleanliness. He mopped, swept, wiped the counters, mirrors, made his bed daily, did laundy and bathtubs frequently. He was weird about the way he washed his hands: he would literally count to twenty, every single time. Then he would use the paper towel to open the door so his hands didn't touch the doorknob. He would also examine any food that i prepared for him and refuse to eat if he didn't believe me, that yes, I did too wash my hands before I cooked. He was always worried about salmonella and e coli. It was every where! And yet he had no problem putting his mouth on my lady bits.
Jun 23 - 5PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Mine was a weird one. He was

Mine was a weird one. He was a total pig and didn't clean unless I had 'let this house go' according to him. And he would clean to prove a point. His version of tidying up was to shove everything in drawers and odd places. I had a small baby who I had no help with- and it did my best. I really did, but it was never good enough- ever! The one and only time I had a night out and trusted him with the baby (big mistake I never made again) I got home to find him raging at me that he had tidied up the whole house in an hour and that I was a pig who had let things go... Grr it makes me angry just to think of it! I had to clean for HOURS EVERYDAY if I was to live up to his standards. He liked things clinical and clean but wasn't prepared to help out to keep it that way. I had a baby, no way did I have time for that! The other thing I have to mention Is when I went there to collect mine and the babies things without his knowledge, any personality that was once in the house was gone. He had tidied up and cleaned out any traces of me or the baby but the place was still dirty. Devoid of personality. It felt cold and menacing. The lair of a demon.
Jun 23 - 3PM
Susan32
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So clean it was sterile

I never saw the ex-Psych prof's apartment, but I DID see his office during the final D&D (talking about making yourself vulnerable, since he never came to my dorm room, ever) It was sterile, like a furniture show room. Lacking in decoration and personality. A colleague of his shared the office with him. His office mate had decorated his side with artwork, family photos, etc. The ex-P's side was dark/neutral colors, bland. It was more like a void than a mess. It had all the personality of a hospital room.
Jun 23 - 3PM
onwithmylife
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funny

mine was the exact opposite, everything had to be PERFECT..except when his water backed up in one of his bathtubs, he just went on like normal and did nothing about it which i thought was weird, finally several days alter put some drano down the sink and it cleared up.
Jun 23 - 3PM
adoette
adoette's picture

living conditions

pigsty me: "I hate to clean" him: "I can't hate something that I never do." pig
Jun 23 - 3PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

My narc lives with his

My narc lives with his mum. At 40-odd years old (I refuse to believe he's only 34 or so, the eyes and the claw-hands give it away) he lives in his mum's house with his parents. I bet his image of hot muscular sexy gym guy would go straight down the toilet if everyone knew that about him.
Jun 23 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Susan32
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Mine lives with his parents too

The ex-Psych prof is almost 50... BOTH his parents are living with him and raising his kids. He doesn't conceal the fact his parents living with him. His father joins him on campus. It's like ever since he got tenure, he got rated PG-13 (Parental Guidance Strongly Suggested!) Apparently his Daddy is tagging along with him at the coffee shop. Thank God there's great organic baby food made here in the Bay Area by the hunky Tyler Florence.
Jun 23 - 3PM
mystwoman
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I actually used to refer to

I actually used to refer to my home life as living with The Three Little Pigs (xnh and his two kids). lol. It was a constant battle for me because I cannot stand to live that way. Xnh was really hideous about clutter, and he was what I'd have to call a "surface abuser". If there was a flat surface anywhere, he filled it up with piles of crap, and abused the surface. Thus I had LOTS of plants, decorations, and what my sister calls "shit ya gotta dust" (nick-knacks) sitting everywhere just so that xnh couldn't find a place to fling his crap. Now that he's gone, I've gotten rid of most of this because I'm mature enough to pick up after myself (unlike xnh). :) When xnh lived in his cheap mobile home (after going bankrupt and before weaseling his way into my house), his place was a total hog wallow. I swear there were counters and other surfaces in his house that had not seen the light of day in years. One day (after I had a huge stack of his swill fall off a table and "attack" me) xnh gave me this line of bullshit that "he was just a 'cluttered' person but that he was really clean underneath". I just looked at him as said, "Oh REALLY!?! So what do you do? Pick up all of this garbage, clean underneath thoroughly, and then throw all of it back EXACTLY it like was to begin with?" rofl. And I DO mean garbage literally (complete with ants and gunk fossilized to the counters). What a load of b.s.! In reality, xnh is just a swine.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jun 23 - 2PM
dolphingirl
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From Amani to mold

So glad you posted this. I have always wondered about this too. my ex-narc who is a finacially successful business man lived in deplorable conditions. In his house the linolium floor was torn and shredded, the wall paper was ripped and falling down, there was trash everywhere, the bathrooms were so disgusting full of mold I didn't like using them. One night one of his pipes burst and he didn't even know it for a few days. His kitchen floor was soaked and he just went on like normal. This guy wear's expensive suits, eats at the best resturants, drives a new clean car and beleive it or not is according to him picky about cleanliness. His most used excuse for not be able to do anything with me was...."I have to clean my house" I think his house was like his insides, disordered, filthy and full of crap