Narc's letter to me - 3 months NC

So I've seen a few people do this on here and usually these letters leave me in tears. I comment here and there about how I want to do this and tonight I think I'm ready. I'm ready because my N changed his email and got through to me the other night. I did not reply, but did become rather anxiety ridden and outraged at his nerve. I truly believed deep down that I would not hear from him again. At least not this soon. I believe that email from him is what encourages me to write this. Today I'm officially 3 months NC. If our "love" was real, this is what I'd want to hear (at the 3 month NC mark)in order to understand, release some of the anger and continue to move forward with my life. Thanks for reading :)

Dear K_S,
I haven't talked to you in so long. I can't believe you haven't tried to reach me at all. I even pointed out to you one time when you tried to break away from me that you always come back. You at least would find a reason to email me at work just to say hi and play the "friend card" with me, knowing very well that I was never your friend. It was just your way of opening up the lines of communication so that I would come back to you.

Why haven't you done that yet? It's been so long now. You even made it through Christmas without contacting me. You must be getting stronger. I can feel the connection breaking. I guess that's why I'm trying to reach you. I never really believed our connection would break. I thought I had you there waiting for me. I thought I could continue to talk to my ex-girlfriend and try to hook up with other girls while you were sitting home alone waiting for me to ask if I could come over. What's happening, K_S? I never thought it would get to this point.

I was so shocked to see you at that work Happy Hour over a month ago. You haven't come to a happy hour or socialized with this crowd since I flirted with some random chick right in front of your face two years ago. Remember how you had to leave? No one knew (yet everyone kinda knew) that we had something going on and I just went over and started talking to that girl and buying shots right there in front of everyone. I know it must have taken all your strength not to break down right there. But I could tell you were cracking when you downed a beer in five minutes and left. I got validated again that night when you text me in a rage asking how I could do that to you when we had just talked earlier about getting together that weekend.

But at this past HH, I could tell something was different. You didn't look at me. You seemed... happy? You were laughing and joking and seemed so... healthy? I tried hard that night, but I couldn't crack you. I even flirted with that cute girl from the office and kept looking at you to see if you had a reaction, but you didn't seem to notice.

And then only a week ago was there another work event where you easily just turned your back on me. I wanted to say "hi". I was searching for signs that you have not forgotten about me, but you wouldn't even look at me. Yet you talked to everyone but me. You were laughing and socializing and making jokes. This isn't the K_S I made. You're supposed to be home alone waiting for me to email/text/call you. Though I wouldn't have done that because I don't really think of you that often. Only when my ex rejects me or a new potential supply turns me away do I think about all you gave to me. I guess this is why I felt the need to get in contact with you. Are you still there? I just find it impossible to believe that you've moved on from me.

K_S I really, really, REALLY need you to answer me. I always thought that you were the one who would always be there because all you did was try and prove how much you wanted me. And how much you were willing to put up with while I just did my own thing. You being in the background was my only reassurance that I am not a complete asshole. I thought that if I had a nice girl like you in my corner that I was an OK guy. I'm an OK guy aren't I? I mean, I know I'm messed up and bad at relationships, but you know deep down I mean well. You know that if I could love that I would love you. I need you to know that.

I'm still trying to see where you're coming from K_S. I know I told you multiple times that we were never going to be together. Yeah, I emailed you back in October and told you that I don't have feelings for you and you deserved to be with someone who did and yeah, 5 weeks afterwards I unblocked you from Facebook and sent you a friend request, but can't you see I'm just confused about what I want? Why don't you understand anymore? I kind of knew that the breaking point was back in August when I asked to come inside you without protection or BC and made you take the Plan B the next day. I knew down inside that something in you had broken for good. I'm not saying that I cared that it broke, I'm just saying I'm aware.

Wow, I can't even believe I wrote all this and haven't even asked you what these past 3 months have been like for you? If you were to reply to me, then I would know. I can't imagine you've had to go on anti-depressants. Did you get short with your friends and family because of me? Did you go through life's actions like a zombie there for a while? I wish I could know all this. I can't imagine you slept on your couch for a month and a half and fell asleep to the TV because all that happened when you laid in your bed was you cried. You never could sleep with background noise K_S. You always liked the darkest, quietest room. There's no way you got on a plane and saw an old lover from 8 years ago is there? And you can't really be happy now right? Is it true you're dating a new guy? A nice guy? I just can't believe this.

This is why I had to contact you K_S. You can't be OK. You can't be moving on. I need you in the corner that I kept you in. It's all about me! Please respond to me. "Sorry, I know you hate me, but I wanted to say hi. Hope all is well". That's the best message ever! How could you NOT reply to that? After all we've been through? Please K_S. Let me know that I still have a hold on you. That's all I need right now. Whatever I can do to get that reassurance, I'll do it.

-Love (not real Love)

Narc