Narc's friends

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#1 May 3 - 4PM

enoughalready

Narc's friends

My XN would always choose to be w/ his friends more than spend time with me. He had a lot of male friends. He'd rather be w/ them drinking and playing poker than to have spent time w/ me. Is it because he saw me only as a sex object to use whenever he was horny? Or did he need his friends as his audience? Last time I spoken to him, I said he had his friends now 24/7 to be with since they were his number 1 priority. And to leave me the hell alone. Just wanted to know if any of u ever had this issue with your so called" soul-mate".

#2 May 9 - 10PM

broken23

Mine had so many people

Mine had so many people around him...i dont know if i can call them friends. he would even tell me "i have more facebook friends than you" "i am more popular". what 30 year old man says this crap. when he had to have surgery, not one person stopped by to visit him. his mom had to come over to school to take care of him. when he had a party with free alcohol, 100's of people showed up. sure he has some people fooled...but his longest friendship is of a few years. we met 12 years ago. i have the same friends...and new ones.

#3 May 9 - 11PM (Reply to #27)

neveragain5

A 30-year-old N. :p

#4 May 7 - 7AM

gullablegull (not verified)

accomplices

Mine had no friends. Everyone LOVED him, but no one that hung around him often. However, when he had a goal to obtain, he could always find accomplices. People that would be used for whatever purpose, then dropped. Usually when dropped, he would make fun of them, badmouth them, for no reason. Mine also ALWAYS had a bully target! Sometimes me, sometimes his work partner, sometimes his longtime secretary, but always always had someone that he had to find fault with, that he would usually give silent treatment to , go to great lengths to avoid or set them up for some kind of harm, emotional or otherwise. Even when he was being his "nice self" , he always had to have a target to direct his evil and hatred to.

#5 May 7 - 7AM (Reply to #25)

Susan32

New victims

I left the state and time zone of my ex-N a decade ago. I have this sick feeling that in the past 10 years,he's found other targets. And sad to say, he's a father.

#6 May 5 - 11PM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

no friends.....

he had no friends....just enablers from his 'other life'..he lived two distinct lives.....the one he had with me...where he appeared to be a clean cut sucessful upper middle class all american guy....and his other life..full of seedy motel rooms...and drug addicts...and gutter drunks..and criminals..and he worked non stop to make sure they never overlapped... in the last years, we hardly ever went anywhere together..but once i remember we were at a big outdoor shopping mall....and suddenly this really creepy seedy looking guy came out of a store and was right on top of us before the psycho could dodge him...... 'hi mike!! how's it going?'...the psycho was gonna try to just keep on walking...but the guy actually impeded him...forced him to engage in a short terse conversation...... i could tell he was very uncomfortable about his two worlds colliding there on a street corner.....he got away as quick as he could.....and never would say who the creep was or where he knew him from....... i'm sure the guy was someone he doped or boozed it up with ........in his other life......

#7 May 5 - 8PM

littlestbird

same deal... man... these guys... why are they so effed up...

yeah, mine would much prefer to spend time with a couple of his guys (and girls) at the bar playing pool. or he liked to have one-on-one coffee or lunch dates with his female friends. or he liked to have gatherings with his guy friends to watch sports or play sports or whatever. spending time with me, as it appeared, got old. i had heard and reacted to the same stories again and again... he always needed new people to talk to in order to get some reinforcement. god forbid we simply enjoy life together. everything is a means to an end. i don't feel like his friends even "know" him that well. they just know his public persona. but he likes this persona to be reinforced, because when he is left alone and naked (as he was with me; the intimacy threatened him)...he revealed his true side, cold, impatient, never compassionate. he seemed to truly despise himself on some deep level, yet to the outside world he would portray a real put together guy, full of love for people, and confidently happy. he likes this image to be reinforced by the more superficial outside word, even though he claims all his "friends" to have "deep connections" with him... maybe they are "deep" because they are "deeply involved in reinforcing the image he wishes he actually was." whatever. fake it till you make it. this stuff bothers me the most. i have always despised phonies. either way, yeah, he didn't like hanging out with me after a very short time, although he still liked to have me as his "girlfriend" because i was a good "catch." i got shaaaaaafted! i am glad i can laugh at it right now. maybe it's the meds. bleh.

#8 May 6 - 3AM (Reply to #22)

Susan32

Phonies

I let my ex-N KNOW that I despised phoniness. I do think there was self-loathing with my ex-N. He didn't mind having a cold, mean persona; he rather joyed in it. He liked his reputation as a bully--yet he claimed his private persona was warm,compassionate, and happy. He enjoyed being considered a monster;my "impropriety" was deeming him human,and considering him accountable to the rules of normal human interaction.

#9 May 5 - 10PM (Reply to #21)

Barbara (not verified)

just "effed up"?

they are NOT HUMAN ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#10 May 4 - 12AM

miinx

mine didnt keep any friends

mine didnt keep any friends for long. his childhood-highschool-college friends all wanted nothing to do with him. of course he gave me a 'poor little me' act and had me convinced THEY were all the terrible ones, or acted like he was the best of friends with these people who really wanted nothing to do with him... he would talk to them all like they were old friends and nothing at all was out of the ordinary.. overly friendly.. it was awkward. most would be cordial, but distant... you could sense the discomfort in most of them, particularly the women he knew from his childhood..the guys mostly disregarded him entirely and ignored him.. they didnt seem to feel a need to put on much of a show or not be rude towards him like the women seemed to feel obligated to... quite telling. it wasnt until he cheated on me that one of his old friends told me exactly why their circle avoided him entirely.. he described him as an 'emotional vampire', pathological liar, womanizer, creep... when he discovered that the friend had told me this, i was cut off from anyone he knew pretty much entirely.. kept a secret. he set off on a smear campaign against said person, even going so far as to use the fact that this old friend had been abused as a child as a tool for his harassment and shaming.. he has some new friends since i left.. college age girls mostly, probably supply.. all are of course, charmed by his act.. they'd be horrified if they knew what i knew. he has no real male friends. he drinks excessively at public functions..he has no close friends at all....simply acquaintances, supply, and people kept around for show and to make him look good.. normal and sane.

#11 May 3 - 6PM

neveragain5

Both mine preferred their

Both mine preferred their friends as well. I wasn't with the second one long because he reminded me a lot of ways of the first one. I only met mine last one's friend once. I also met his brother. They were all about heavy metal, dirtbiking, smoking pot and drinking. I knew that I wouldn't have anything in common with them because I dont do drugs and rarely drink. That was a deterrent as well. He hung around a lot of losers. I have a feeling that he sold drugs as well. In the past, I know that he did every drug on the planet, maybe still does, but kept it from me.

#12 May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

enoughalready

neveragain 5

I met a few of his friends, though nice, they were drunk, stoned, and not well-educated. I told him before I left him. He is who his friends are. He TRIED to be someone he wasn't when he was w/ me. I'm college-educated, he isn't. He drinks and gambles, I don't and haven't. His manners are left to be desired, I was brought up to be respectful and honest. He is lazy and unmotivated, I'm not at all. I was shocked when I met some of his friends though. Even one of the women that work out at the gym told me she went out w/ him and was surprised he had such young friends. She was smart and obviously had experience w/ narcs like him-she block him after several txts. and of course my xn lied and said he would never go out w/ someone like her as she's so "butt-ugly"-what a choice of words he always had.

#13 May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

neveragain5

enoughalready! Same here!

enoughalready! Same here! There were some differences, but we were like ying and yang. He tried to be like someone else with me as well. Every now and then some "thug talk" would slip out. It was so obvious! It felt like high school when there is that one person that acts differently with everyone just to fit in. Arrested development.

#14 May 3 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

enoughalready

neveragain

I always knew who what type of person he was hanging around. He would often talk like an african-amercan, their type of slang. Or guys that cussed a lot. He could not finish a sentence without using *uckin(never using using "ing" but "in" between words. I always went to church and bible study before I met him and a year into our relationship. I had stopped going to bible study cause I felt too guilty and did not want to feel like hypocrite. He never went to church at all. Another red flag I chose to ignore and was fantasy thinking I would get him to go to church. And he always told me I was negative, when in fact, it was he who always had negative comments to say about everything and everybody including his friends. As NC and time goes on- I realize how messed up I was in the beginning. I feel if my self -esteem was adequate and my marriage was strong, I would have never looked his way. And I was going to counseling too during that time and talked about him. Even my counselor didn't point out anything about narcissism. We had nothing in common except a 15 min sex session in bed. And toward the end,the 15 min sex session wasn't worth the countless hours/days/weeks/years of verbal abuse and grief. And now I understand why his penis was semi-hard. Never experienced that in any man I've been with in the past.

#15 May 4 - 2AM (Reply to #18)

aceonelady

Afro American

Mine was afro american and when i met him at first i noticed how neat he spoke,very good english,perfect...later it started ....he showed the way he realyy talked,always f***k ,shit etc real gettho slang....I tought well,he was raised there ,maybe is a sign he feels comfortable with me...And he wasn't the prototype of the black american with flashy clothes or only rap music...he was into poetry,jpop,jazz,classic music,country,arts,movies,philosophy,everything that showed he was cultivated...yeah i felt for it....

Aceonelady

#16 May 3 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

neveragain5

They are negative, aren't

They are negative, aren't they? He complained ALL the time and I got SO tired of it. That was one of my red flags with him. He talked about everybody badly and I said, "Why do you talk about your friends that way?" He also said fu**in all the time. It was like I had to talk him out of his bad moods, teach him right from wrong and generally tell him how to act, just like a little kid. It was exhausting! I told him once that I wanted a healthy interdependent relationship, not a project. :)

#17 May 4 - 2AM (Reply to #15)

aceonelady

the same here never again....

Mine didn't have any friends....He told me you can have them but is not necessary to be in contact....f***k that friends bullshit....

Aceonelady

#18 May 4 - 6AM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

no friends

all friends - VERY surface... people in same clubs, organizations as them - no one close and people on their level? want very little to do with all my Ns. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#19 May 4 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

Janet

He had a "web" of friends.

He had a "web" of friends. Drug addicts, alcoholics, friends his loser brother went to hampshire college with, deadheads, all superficial friends. Most of them about 5 years younger than him. Creepy mother would hang out with the 34 and 37 year old "boys" all the time. She looks and dresses like a granny, praises the lord non-stop (dead husband was a minister)then hangs out at concerts with all the "gang". sooooooo glad to be out of that mess. Peace. J

Peace. J

#20 May 3 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

Susan32

The negativity

6 years ago, I sent a blunt postcard to my ex-N (it took 3 years to write something that wouldn't come across as stalkerish-creepy,or just a rant full of expletives). I told him that I didn't miss his complaining and negativity;I even said it was my mistake that I trusted him, and called him a con man. I told him he wasn't worthy my tears, and perhaps not my time. I said I didn't miss his belittling and how he called my friends and family "weird" (I said that he does not fit the definition of normal,and he wouldn't have been hired where he is now if he were normal) Of course, it was on a Wittgenstein postcard, ending with "Finish that damn book!"

#21 May 3 - 5PM

Susan32

Does he have ANY age-mates/friends?

My ex-N was strange from the get-go. He started out gregarious and charming... but by the time our "relationship" was crumbling, his colleagues stayed away from him. He had a small circle of female friends, but men his age (or slightly older) avoided him like a leper. Maybe he was a rare type of Narc, because he didn't seem to have many friends AT ALL. His students deemed him a bully/monster/robot,and his colleagues called him "different"--well,when they could say much worse.

#22 May 3 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

enoughalready

susan 32

My XN friends were all male about 5-10 years younger. They smoked pot, drank tons of alcohol, gambled, and took steroids to get bigger while weight training. Some of friends were in college during the day and in jail at night for selling pot. Real pillars of society...huh?

#23 May 3 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Susan32

"He's attracted to you because you look like a boy"

That's an explanation I got. My ex-N tended to favor males over females. He found smart women intimidating (OK, why did he marry one?) His female students found him annoyingly condescending... so he didn't exactly have a coterie of female groupies. He much preferred the company of younger men... and this was observed often.

#24 May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

Susan32

he married on to absorb your persona (projective identification) as his own. He could seem like a guru to younger men... piece of dung ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#25 May 3 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

Ohhhh, the irony...

His circle of followers graduated with me. In the past decade, has he managed to snag any younger men for the philosophical aspect, and then have an admiring female student with whom to toy with her feelings? (No, I am NOT DOING THE RESEARCH) Well, I'll never figure out if he went for his LA girlfriend because she looked like me, or if he liked me because I looked like her... that one will be a question for the ages... And MOST young men thought he gave off gaydar/player vibe. Most guys thought he was sizing them up, too girly to be a boy, and thought he was not all that bright.* The irony is that he idolized the openly gay, passionate, and CREATIVE Wittgenstein. Wittgenstein knew how to think for himself and come up with an original idea. *His philosophical essays are on the Web. Move on, nothing to see here.

#26 May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

hitandrun

The Younger Friend Thing

Yes, mine hung out with a younger crowd, even though he had a few friends his own age. Am convinced he was doing his life long friend from an all boys high school (he didn't see him too often but you could tell it was weird). And to think he told me in the past,before me, he thought he might be asexual...ha! Also he did a lot with his big family...all big drinkers...like into a stupor. He also gambled. Believe it or not, he had impeccable manners. But definitely a Momma's boy...living at home AND payed for her cell phone. Why didn't his father pay for it? I thought the home gig was temporary(4 years?)His younger brother just moved back home, too. These folks are in their 30's. He's probably in hog heaven with all his little high school employees working at his new restaurant.

#27 May 5 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

Mama's Boy (Daddy's Boy?)

In high school, it's not all that odd to go have classmates who happen to be the offspring of the teachers. My ex-N went to college where his father is a high-profile professor. It took him SEVEN YEARS to get a master's degree. Usually, a master's degree takes 1-3 years. People find that anecdote very odd. I think my ex-N lived in the shadow of his highly accomplished father. It's not surprising that his wife is A LOT like his father-she's into science,she's accomplished,and her job takes hard work. Anyone can fake being a philosopher.

#28 May 3 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

MsVulcan500

Friends

Mine only had a few friends his own age, and of course he looked much younger than all of them. Not! He really liked hanging out with his teenage son and his friends. That really annoyed the son, he wanted his dad to act like a dad. I tried explaining it to the N, but he always said his son's friends really like him and think he's cool. He just didn't get it.

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