Narcs Destroy the Lives of Others

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#1 May 18 - 7AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Narcs Destroy the Lives of Others

Narcissists expect and demand that the ones nearest and dearest to them, tolerate, admire, love, and cater to their needs. They expect others to be at their immediate disposal. Their behavior is obnoxious, aloof and indifferent and they fully realize this. Narcissists test the mental limits of people's patience. Individuals in a relationship with a narcissist feel something is not â€œquite right,â€ and many seek answers to the unsettling experience of day to day contact with a narcissist.

Narcissistic individuals do not tend to be physically abusive although there are some out there that are. Their worst weapon is their mouth. With their mouth they spit verbal negations and dispense emotional abuse. Their vocal cords are their method of attempting to control others.

Narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to provide support or understanding to others. There are numerous defense mechanisms which narcissists use to confuse and unbalance those around them. Organization is unknown to narcissistic individuals and they avoid future plans if it concerns pleasing another for some reason not evident to them.

They do not want anyone thinking highly of them for several reasons. First, their sense of self as special, unique and deserving keeps them grounded at maintenance level in their relationships. Maintenance level is just enough, just in time to keep the folly of the relationship moving forward, but just enough and no more. To expend more energy on the relationship would cause others to feel some degree of predictability in the whole affair. Contributing to the happiness of the ones they already envy for having the ability to feel love is not a an activity in which narcissists wish to participate.

Second, if another thinks highly of the narcissist then there are expectations which that person has that the narcissist must fulfill. The narcissist, however, does not intend to fill anyone's expectations except that of his/her own.

Happiness, joy, and the effort to please others is not normally undertaken by the narcissist except in the beginning or potential ending of a relationship. At either of these points, the narcissist may be charming, helpful, pleasing, and amusing beyond imagination. But, this effort is only used to obtain a new narcissistic supply source or to win back the affection of an important source if abandonment appears eminent. At all other times, the narcissist believes his/her presence, is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection and respect of those which the narcissist already considers his/her object. So, the narcissist will postpone, withhold or procrastinate the continuing efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship. A narcissistic person is unable to fake the emotion of love for another for a long period of time. This impairs the capacity for a committed relationship with a narcissist. Therefore, marital instability and promiscuity are prominent in those with NPD.

Narcissists can perform obligations in the global areas of their lives and with strangers quite well. But, with those individuals they have already captured, they find the expenditure of civil treatment taxing to their mental reserve and not really necessary. They routinely display to their captured objects their worst traits. These may include abuse of alcohol, sex, verbal negations or other behaviors that tend to keep people at a distance and not allow any close interpersonal strength to develop. This is evident in the narcissists relationships with their wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, brothers, and sisters.

Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.

Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them.

A relationship with a narcissist can at times be fun and invigorating. After the relationship has come to an end, for the non-disordered, there maybe a feeling of let down or boredom. A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride--there are extreme highs and lows. Be thankful the relationship has ended.

The best advice for anyone who is presently involved with a narcissist is to RUN! The relationship won't get better. Also, it's better to get out before the narcissist snatches away all your self-esteem.

Remember, their worst weapon is their mouth.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/02/destroying-lives-of-others-na...

#2 Feb 16 - 10AM

peacewarrior

A relationship with a

A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride--there are extreme highs and lows. Be thankful the relationship has ended. Reading the above it occurred to me the "highs" ae not even such a high except for the contrast to how low the lows are..complete misery, infliction of cruelty, verbal and mentl abuse, passive aggression. It's as if N's sense when you figure them out all of a sudden they give a py off..like a slot machine to "knock you off balance"..jut enough so you doubt your slef..one they get you to take the bit, lure you back in..the roller coaster is back to the bowels of hell and it's all YOUR fault.

#3 Feb 16 - 9AM

Piscesdream

This part: Don't expect the

This part: Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them. If this is true, mine lost his father over 10 years ago (if I remember correctly). He said his father was his best friend. As far as the age is concerned, mine is 54 and he is surrounded by his bar friends all the time. He loves spending time with his teenage kids. Even though he told me upon breaking up that he'll "be the one who ends up alone", I still find that hard to believe.

#4 Feb 16 - 2AM

Barbara (not verified)

Ns Destroy the Lives of Others

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#5 Sep 10 - 5PM

Barbara (not verified)

Narcs = Destroyers

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#6 Jul 13 - 8PM

James (not verified)

The golden years?

While the entirety of this thread is good Intel. This part: [Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them.] Really stood out for me personally, insomuch I have seen it happen over time with my ex s/p. For some reason the disorder worsens over time plus therapy (if you can get them to go) often makes it even worst. The reasons I sure are many but one I believe is for them it teaches them new ways to manipulate others and do some psychologically. In short instead of learning more about themselves and the relationship (if both attend) they only learn more about others during these therapy sessions and again how to use and abuse them who are nearest and dearest to them and do so psychologically. Also to note whenever other factors (Parents marriages jobs/employment and children) die off or leave it allows them to act up even more so when these factor were in place and now are gone. So for me anyway the question do they get worst over the years is a strong YES. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

#7 Jul 13 - 5PM

Barbara (not verified)

narcissists = destroying the lives of others

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#8 May 20 - 6AM

Barbara (not verified)

winning with a narc?

the only way to "win" with a Narc - is no contact. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#9 May 19 - 11PM

jenn99 (not verified)

they're so sick

they get off on hurting or destroying others...esp their victims...they mooch and leech off people...a lot of them dont even have normal or anywhere near normal relationships or relationships period...they use n abuse...they're just sick...there are narcissistic tendencies in lots of people today but not everyone is full out a 'narcissist with a pd' but those who are ... well if ur they're victim just be prepared to be tormented the same way a sadist torments their victims...and they don't care...most are ruthless and brutal and could care less how they make others feel or what they do to their victims... they're just dark disordered and sick... to most of them its not a relationship it's a battle where they try to see how much they can get off that person and not much else and how much they can drive them to insanity- and most like to drive their victims to complete madness...they feel vindicated then..immortal powerful, or whole...just remember that if you're with a narcissist...you're just a victim...in most cases...their victim and they only want to take all their sick things out on you...and make you a punching bag and not much else..the rest are just lies and manipulation...and tactics used to deceive you...

#10 May 19 - 10PM

Elena

They destroy lives

This article is so accurate. With their aloofness and indifference, they strip off the self worth of those around them. Such a destructive dynamic. And it's true, throughout my entire my marriage, I always felt like there was something not right, and I just could not pin point what it was, it was like a fog. The long term effect of this is quite devastating; the less time someone spends with a narcissist, the better, the less damage they cause. The statement above - "A narcissistic person is unable to fake the emotion of love for another for a long period of time." Gosh, this was so real to me, I only felt loved during the "honeymoon phase", after that, the feeling of being loved went away, and all I ended up with was a relationship with a self consumed indifferent being, so hurtful and confusing.

#11 May 18 - 8AM

malloryforest

n's and death of parent

"Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them." Why does the N=narcissistic characteristics increase after the death of a parent??

#12 May 18 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

Fawn

Death of a parent

Not sure why n's get even worse after the death of a parent, but I'll share my experience. I lost both of my parents about 4 years ago, within 6 months of each other. My n was an unempathetic jerk, of course. But since then I think he feels even less accountable somehow. He talks about my mom A LOT to our 5-year-old, almost like my mom haunts him. It is bizzarre really. I think he feels incredibly guilty for the way he has treated me. He promised my mom on her deathbed that he would "take care" of me. He failed and he knows it, but it is like a little kid who knows he is bad, but only if someone sees him being bad. From my experience with my dad, who was also a narcissist, after his mom died he kind of tried to suck up to my sister & me after ignoring us and our children for years. It was gross. Then he really went off the deep end and started wearing her clothes! I'm not making this up! He wore her sun hats and a sparkly pink belt of hers, and those were in public! (who knows what he was wearing at home) He became more reclusive and creepy very quickly. I think that she had sort of been an anchor got him to reality. Or their weird reality anyway. He then did Sort of a penance thing with a woman who had a heart valve replacement. She was a member of Mensa, which he was never able to get into. She was kind of a cat lady and they sat around in her shack and smoked cigarettes. She died and then he tried tovlute her GRANDDAUGHTER into having sex with him. Right before he died he told my sister that he was in love with this 18-year-old CHILD and that he wanted to have children with her. I tell you this lurid tale to give you a glimpse into the narcissist ad an old man. Actually, my dad was only 64 when he died. He died alone in his sleep, his fgrandchildtrn don't really remember him much at all, and his real descent into mental illness happened very quickly-- about 4 years from the time his mom died until his own death. Sad but true story. It all makes so much more sense to me now that I know more about narcissism.

#13 May 18 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

Thank you Dcrutche

For sharing that story. It's very important for everyone, myself included, to continue sharing their stories about the narcs in their lives here. Victims tend to get very caught up in their drama with a narc. Reading completely, the stories of others with their narcs can be very helpful in giving us examples to understand and to know we aren't alone. Keep talking about it ladies. Don't let it just live inside your head, where it can become bigger than it really is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#14 May 18 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

Fawn

Glad to Help

You're welcome. My dad was crazy. I can actually laugh about the things he did. But you are right, we do get caught up with the N, which is exactly what they want. When you step back and take a look at the N's life with a wide angle lens, it is a very sad story. We tend to focus in on how charming they can be, how endearing, how manipulative, etc. They are truly sick individuals who will prey upon anyone who will make them feel alive. They want to appear to be larger than life to us, to tower over us and control us. Again, my dad died alone. He had very few friends. This is the real story of a narcissist. As they grow older, they have no one. Just the people they work with or the lady at the grocery store who they buy their cigarettes from. My dad's life was pathetic and lonely and hollow. He had three great children who he didn't even know. When we went through my dad's things, I looked for any sign of life or love or joy and I just didn't find it. It was almost like he didn't even exist on this Earth. His life was so superficial and lacking in depth and connection with other humans. I think that his death scared the hell out of me and I begin to see my husband as heading down that same path. When I was diagnosed with cancer I feared first for my children and their loss, and also for myself. I feared leaving this World like my dad did. That is my idea of Hell. That is what Narcissists have to look forward to--no deep connections with others, no real feelings, just pain and lonliness and that hollow feeling.

#15 May 18 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

cassiemay

drtuche

that story is unbelievable.....except when you've lived with a narcissict! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I also had news "revealed" to me after separation from STBX: the worst was that he "came on" to my neice, who is 15 years younger than he.....at "our" cabin, over Xmas, while I was cleaning up from Xmas dinner. Stroking her leg under the table. Imagine, if you will, her total discomfort and lack of ability to do anything about it since I was present, she was in "our" cabin, and no one else could witness. Yuck! Puke! She never felt comfortable enough to share this with me until after we had separated and boy, did that ever send me into a tailspin. When confronted with this news: NO reply. Nothing. Well, at least he didn't attempt to mount a defense. I am hoping this might make its' way into court but don''t know it it's "relevant" in a state that is "no fault". On the other hand, my sister and brother-in-law (her parents) did hear her story before leaving after the holiday so Could testify to that event given a "hearsay" argument. Point is, you never know what they are capable of. Never in a million years or a zillion years would I have guessed that this would be possilbe. CM

#16 May 18 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

Narcs are counter-intuitive for us normals

I didn't really realize my late mom was a narc until about 3 years after her death. I'd known for YEARS there was something seriously wrong with her and she'd gotten more histrionic and self-involved with age... more bending of history and outright lying too - but until I learned about Narcs she didn't fit any other mental illness category. I did understand she was toxic though. Then it dawned on me how many narc friends and relatives I'd had in my life. Pieces started to fall into place. A couple months later I learned psychopaths were not all criminals & murderers. That's when the 2 that I'd known and being involved with made sense to me. I knew they were narcs to the 10000th power... That's when I decided to HAD to pay it forward. Let others know they are NOT codependent with these vampires nor is ANY of it their fault. And I am still flabbergasted that women aren't validated more and educated about these soul shredding cretins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#17 May 19 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

theotherbed (not verified)

Counter-Intuitive

Sorry about the double post. Don't know why that happened! I'll put you on my blogroll! Thanks so much.

#18 May 19 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

theotherbed (not verified)

Counter-Intuitive

This is the word, or term, I use over and over again to explain to others not only what it's like to be around an N, but why some of us keep trying. It describes what gets in the middle of trying to figure out "Why did he do that?" It doesn't make sense that a person would respond to another's pain with defensiveness, hostility and rage. If you're an intelligent, thoughtful, caring person, the tendency is to think, surely, if he sees the pain he's causing, if another, more compassionate and helpful response is available to him (because you tell him the obvious), surely, he'll choose to be kind...right? Uh uh. In the end, trying to get them to behave differently is what no longer makes sense. I'm at the point where if I'm upset with him, for any reason, that means I'm off my game. He's going to do what he's going to do, so all that's left is for me to have NO expectations and respond accordingly. Eventually, you have to get past the shock and awe over their diabolical behavior, and focus only on how best to protect yourself. I am so over this pathetic monster. All that is left is to find the financial means to get away and stay away. I'm open to suggestions! My intent is to educate, validate, and visualize the exit strategy. It's wonderful that so many of us have turned into wounded healers as a result of our debacle with an N. Thank you Lisa, for the book and this site. This is where I talk about surviving codependency to sexual addiction complicated by narcissism: theotherbed This is where I was before I saw the whole picture and thought it was "only" about infidelity: What's For Dinner? The Bitter Taste of Infidelity...

#19 May 19 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

co-dependency

does NOT exist in relationships with Narc. Nope. Does Not. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/23/my-little-rant-co-dependence-and-co-narcissism-0 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#20 May 18 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

GhostBuster

unmasking the masses

Barbara, it really is incredible once you unmask one...how it explains the many crazies/Ns that surround you. For 20 years (I'm in my 40s), I've called myself a "freak magnet"...now I know I'm an N magnet. Life seems to make more sense...even if that sense is born from nonsense. If that makes any sense. :) Also, I've read that Ns typically are surrounded by other disordered people. I know my ex N had several friends that just didn't seem all there. And pretty narcissistic themselves.

#21 May 18 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

GhostBuster

Sickos

You know, the more I learn about narcissists the more I think I've known so many through the years (knew there was something wrong with them, just not what precisely). My former neighbors growing up became second parents to me after my mom died. My dad (also now deceased) I believe was an N. But I think the neighbor/husband was EXTREMELY N. When his wife died (one of my dearest friends), he hit on me the very night she died. It was just sick and I got away from him, but it was traumatizing and gross. In the weeks after her death, it came out he had had a girlfriend MY AGE (25 years his junior) for 20 years. She moved in with him (into the same house he occupied with his wife who's body was hardly even cold) within a month. He now has beginning stage alzheimers (or so I hear...I cut him out of my life when he hit on me). Hate to say it, but I don't feel sorry for him one bit!

#22 May 18 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

Fawn

Cassie May

Yes, that was my dad. Your H coming on to your niece, Gross! I felt very much repulsed by my dad, which is how my oldest daughter feels about her dad now. I'm trying really hard to offer my daughter safety and security and permission to let her dad know how she feels about him. It is really sad, when men could make a young girl feel safe and secure and beautiful, that they instead choose to prey upon them. My dad also asked one of my younger friends out on a date when he visited me one time. He never visited me, but when he did, he always did something really outrageous. I think he was wearing that red sun hat of my grandma's and he walked over from my house to the house where my friend was staying and gave her a note telling her that he found her attractive and that he would like to take her out on a date! I was revolted, and so was she but she was polite enough to not say that to me, exactly. She is enough of a good friend that she told me what happened. So weird how much my husband is like my dad, and how I feel that same revulsion for him now, just like I felt for my dad. My kids feel that way about their dad now, and they haven't always. He was at least present when they were little, but not now--he wants as little to do with the older ones as possible, because they've got his number. The little one is still too young, and I worry about her. She is still cute and cuddly and fairly compliant--okay, so she isn't that compliant. He isn't going to get away with this kind of crap with them. I try to remember that I asked him to leave when I saw him start treating my then 12-year-old daughter the same way my dad treated my sister and me. I am starting to feel liberated all over again from living with such a creep. I felt that way when he first moved out, then I went through almost a year of grieving the end of my marriage.

#23 May 19 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

Lisa E. Scott

Dcrutche and all

Thank you all for sharing these stories. They are heart-wrenching, but all so similar that we must share them with one another. Thank you for being so brave to share as I know it's helping everyone here. These stories are more reason for us to educate and build awareness about narcissism. People need to be fore-warned about the narcissist, especially young children and women!

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