Narcs and there stupid conditional love

Thanks for your words of strength and hope.... I feel better today because all the 'hope' is now within myself to recover and live my life rather than in the idea of having a happy life with him. He is still harping on about my body hair after all these years, about his sexual needs, about what I need to change to make him happy. About his perfection and my lack of... My God maybe one day I will be happy to take a razor to my body for someone who actually loves me but even then, if the man in my future cant love me for me, for more than the ideal of a painful beatification process ( i get eczema on my legs anyway) and 'see' me as a emblem of light hair or no hair, then man I am just gona enjoy my life on my own with my little boy. He listed the crap like I was some kind of a old mare in show for thorough-bread horses!!! I was laughing and crying at the same time by the time he had finished!!!! I was upset that I could be so stupid for getting sucked in again and again and laughing that he could be so stupid in general... All the things he has been doing to butter me up recently that I was falling for it, were of course emblems of more manipulative game playing. I started to think there was hope for out child, for our family, for our future, he was being nicer and I was holding out hope. But were back at square one, listening to a list of my flaws and failings like a catalogue of shit! I also laughed, when he said about how he wanted the raw food vegan wife that I had promised to be... I laughed out loud as he had been at my house for the last three days (with our son, not me) eating cooked potatoes, fish, eggs, chips, my home made chocolate cake... shit man... I bet he thinks I made him eat it too. I know for a fact that he blamed me, when he lived here, for 'his' eating 'imperfect ' food... My God, when I blamed him for my 'drinking', he was quick to remind me it was a choice and my responsibility to drink and not his issue at all. I thought about it and he was right actually, I was making the choice to screw myself up and make myself ill, that's why I stopped boozing and asked him to leave. What a brilliant choice I made. And yet here I am being blamed for his own inability to live the 'perfection' he wants me to be. Sometimes I think he wants me to be stronger than him, so that he doesn't have to work so hard... I was very very strong kung fu kicking fit healthy woman when we met, he bludgeoned me with his bullying and then he wondered where that vibrant alive woman went and I think he was scared that he would have be the strong one. He didn't want to carry me, he wanted to be carried, but even grace jones would feel pretty weak at the end of being in a room with him for five minutes. I woke up feeling clear and oddly energetic. It was dark, I had to go to work in the snow and I usually feel tired and lazy at 7am, but for some reason, the fact that he told me I shouldn't work in my job, in his list of faults, it made me wana go to work and have a great day working really hard. I felt like some shit had really shifted and there was a new space in me to fill. I thought that I have been spilt with him for nearly a year now and not one bit of me had any regret or sadness anymore. Just relief and hope for my life. I love and accept myself, hair and all. I never felt so self accepting as I do now. he helped me to do that too. I might thank him for that one day??? ( Maybe? ) I felt like for the first time I really didn't want a relationship with him anymore and I don't think I truly had ever really felt that in this way before. Not when he slept with me and wouldn't stick around, not even when he wrote me the letter that insulted my weight gain and called me a slob. I still dint get it. but I know that I will soon be ready to be truly healthy and maybe even one day date again or be a sexual being. WOW, I am not skinny anymore and Im not gona wear sexy clothes for a man. I might actually meet a man who will see the light on the inside instead of seeing me as some kind of doll to change and develop. I wont be the party piece on someone's arm and that feels really good. I think if someone was to like me how I look now, bit chubby, dreads, body hair, then maybe I would have met someone worth meeting, who knows? I know loving me first is most important but I just had an real moment of realization that something had really change within me forever. Yea one day I might even thank him... :) We are all capable of being in healthy relationships. Being respected and understood. I feel sure that next time a I meet a 'Narc' the red flags will be so loud and blaring that I will never end up in this kind of place ever again. I believe that why we are all lucky to be here in the web site sharing this. So we can stay protected and clued up... Next time we meet a dumb ass we will feel the truth and act on it straight away. Instead of being passive and letting the 'shit' manipulator in to grow like a super tumor, we will reflect a no bullshit approach and we will be able to filter out the 'bad eggs' for the 'fresh ones'. I feel sure of that now... God bless us and speed us, as we regain our power... xxx