narcs and there mothers! 'Left in my bed in a dark room' (Ill be breif)

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#1 Apr 16 - 8AM

Qing Yuan

narcs and there mothers! 'Left in my bed in a dark room' (Ill be breif)

According to most descriptions, one of the reasons an NPD becomes so, because they are let down or devalued by there mothers.

My son is ill and his narc father is taking him to visit granny. My son is really not at all well, fever and off hsi food etc, but he really, really wanted to go so agaist my intuition I agreed. Poor little baba.

So I say to my son in front of his dad, 'I am sure nanny will know what to do and give you lots of hugs'
Narc says, 'no she doesn't!'
I say 'what?'
He says 'she never gave me loads of hugs, not when I was ill and not even when I was well'
he says, when I was ill she just put me in my bed in a dark room'
I say 'thats sad'
he says ' Yea'
I say 'I can give you hug now" ( I know dumb, but hopelessly empathic to the death)
And he says "I dont need any hugs' 'never had then growing up and dont need them now'

He says' my mum and dad never even said they loved me, my dad said it the once when he walked out on us'

I cant help but feel sorry for him...

But it makes perfect sense why they get stuck in madonna whore complex and devalue woman so much. The main caregiving woman in there life let them down, devalued there feelings, abandoned them in times of need and were just emotionally absent.

My narcs mother is ok but yes, she is a bit emotinally absentI have to say!

I would never and could never be like that...
If anything I am the other end of the spectrum.
Does anyone else's narc have a distant mother...?

Its why I hate cots and bouncers and bottle feeding and all the stuff used to take children out there mothers arms where they should be.

the world we live in that efficiently produces narcs.
The media touts beuaty and fame..
The work ethic favours business oriantated folk who must aquire money and power
The Western government sites indavidulism and requires us all to care for ourselves rather than a collective
and finally
We are too tired and too drianed by this style of livng to care for young properly so we switch off to there needs.
I never asked her..
I wonder if she let him 'cry it out'
I cant help but bet she did...

I actually feel sad for his sorry ass.

#2 Apr 20 - 6PM

helldweller

Qing Yuan

I wanted to respond to this sooner but was out of town and couldn't. When the narc first took in his four year old foster child he would lock him in his pitch black room at night and make him cry himself to sleep. He had just come from his mom, who he slept with in their one bedroom apartment. Yes, she was a drug addict but she obviously adored him. My daughters bought a night light for the child and the narc threw it in the garbage. I have watched that little boy go from a loving, happy child to a robot who doesn't know what to think or feel or who to love. So sad.

#3 Apr 21 - 4AM (Reply to #22)

Qing Yuan

Reading that made me feel so sad. Its awful

That poor child. I love my child so deeply and this just cuts me deep to think that the stupid narc took away the child's natural loving nature by flattening it and crushing it. What a total ass. It makes me sick.. My ex is not so bad. Though he does sometime man handles him a bit and smokes pot and it makes him moody and short tempered and I do hate they way they interact at times. But he would never do what you have written here. Its unthinkable for a ftaher to treat his child this way... Your ex must have been abused himself to be so cold and cruel. I wonder how that little boy will turn out? I will pray for him. Poor little mite. Thanks for sharing this. These men are dead inside and they are not satisfied unless they are dragging others into the pit of darkness with them... So sad indeed. :(

#4 Apr 17 - 8PM

rainbeau

Rainbeau's experience

Hi! I noticed something and was able to discuss it with my narc's brother. I moved into my narc's house with him, his 90 year old mother, 2 kids and brother. (It's a HUGE house) My narc and his brother never learned that it's wrong to treat people poorly. Their Mother would never, ever hold anything against them, no matter what they did. They were not called on their bad behavior, nor were they requested to come up with more creative, healthy behaviors. If someone was screaming juvenile insults and raging, their Mother would tell them that the person is saying that because they're hurt and we need to accept them no matter how they act. In speaking with my narc's brother, the brother realized why his marriage failed. He said he treated her like crap and was in a bad mood the whole 2 years they were married. He suddenly wondered if maybe that had something to do with why she left. My narc doesn't seem to understand that if he screams and rages every time he sees some one, that some one may think he's hostile and choose to make new choices. No, he thinks they should know he's hurt and be sympathetic to his suffering. He never apologizes because it's not his fault. He is just having feelings....it's everyone else who has a problem with him having emotions. We can't see his point of view. We are selfish and stupid, right? LOL. Projectile Vomit.

#5 Apr 21 - 7AM (Reply to #20)

onwithmylife

Rainbeau for you

Interesting comments you said, my narc had a brother much older and said their mother spoiled and doted on the narc, he grew up feeling he could do not wrong, she did not parent him properly and was probably a narc herself and viewed her little toddler as an extension of herself. his brother even said he was a classic psych 101 case and the narc thought he was right and everyone else was wrong. He even told me he tried to get his brother committed, but he refused to go.It would have meant he would have to look at himself for the first time in his life with the potential of a mental breakdown, as his false self could shatter.He never learned how to make small talk, get along with people in social situations, in essence, he is stunted in his emotional growth and remains like a 2 year old little boy in the guise of an older man in his 60's.All he knows is anger ,rage and fear.

#6 Apr 16 - 7PM

Steph

Both my ex N's had huge mommy

Both my ex N's had huge mommy issues. huge. And yeah, I felt soooo sorry for both of them and tried to show them the love they didn't get growing up. We are caring and empathetic people, so don't feel silly for showing care! Like Deidre said though, others have had traumatic childhoods and they grow up fine. It doesn't give one a "lisence to harm". This is why I personally believe they are born this way......the environment that they grow up in can make their narcissim or personality disorder worse, but I don't think it necessarily CAUSES it. I think you have to have something "off" in your brain in the first place. My opinion anyways, don't know if it makes sense lol

#7 Apr 16 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

ifinallygotit

staying strong 78 - I agree except the lol

Can't really laugh at this nightmare stuff yet, but I agree that there must be a genetic component. I am trained in clinical psych (not a psychologist or shrink though...) and I ALWAYS thought thee was something different or off about his brain the whole time. I used to laugh and just call it an extreme "boy" brain - good at nonverbal reasoning, computer stuff, cars but terrible at communicating on any emotional level...but it was more than just the bad conversations, the mimicking and repeating my words, all really odd. I have said this before that I first I thought maybe he was just stupid but I learned as I got to know him that he is very smart and a keen observer. He also had TOTALLY mormal verbal abilities when being interviewed publicly and out socially...only acts weird one to one with a woman. Yes he was overly close to his mother who never really develop into a full man, even in college and afterwards she still did everything for him. She also was a little sharper than him and somewhat formidable - he has a passive nature so she probably dominated him and did not let him have an independent identity. I think that is why he hates all his girlfriends ("You cannot tell me what to do" proabably what he should have told mom). I think he moved back in with her after his 20 year high profile career ended...I am rambling but I just think his personality issues are extreme even with an overbearing emeshed doting mom, he is way more screwed up than others attached to mom. He is just not able to accept adult responsibility even when he was making tons of money (which he lost - I mean no one could lose this much money or not be resourceful enough to get a job with a famous name and an "in" everywhere...). it just does not add up. His career of adoring female fans of course played right into his problems but he seems worse with women than his buddies who all at least had wives and tried to be normal...I really did FULLY accept how weird he was after awhile. I noticed as I get older I am less judgemental of people's short comings, but in this case, I guess I misread the situation and felt much safer than I really was. I loved him and thought he loved me too.

#8 Apr 17 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

Steph

ifinallygotit

"Staying strong78, I agree except the lol....Can't really laugh at this nightmare stuff yet..." I am sorry if my response came across as "laughing" I added the "lol" at the very end of my response....when I said I wasn't sure if I made sense.... I have a tendency to ramble! my "lol" was laughing at me.....not trying to make light of your situation. not at all! Sorry it came across that way!

#9 Apr 17 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

ifinallygotit

staying strong - thanks

I am not offended! I am glad that others are healthy enough to see the humor in the N situations and thoughts - I am just not there yet! I hope to heal and laugh about this crap one day...still fairly horrified but functioning better - though I still waste alot of time writing messages to him that I will never send. He gave me no closure so I have alot of conversations with myself. He admitted to being a momma's boy and seemed proud of it. I think he lived with her until she died - not sure because she was dead before I met him. He was 42 when we met...

#10 Apr 17 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

Steph

ifinallygotit

So glad you weren't offended:) Seeing the "humour" in it, isn't a reflection of your recovery status. Honestly. I mean, really, what is funny about having your heart ripped to shreds by someone that you loved and thought loved you???? Nothing. But.....as time passes, and you recover, you likely will be able to have a twisted laugh as to what a NOBODY he really is.....that's not to say that the pain he caused you is/was insignificant or really humourous....it's just that as you get farther away from him with NC and really see him for what he is, and really process the dynamics of the warped relationship you had with him....it does become "funny"....in a dark and twisted way. I hope that kinda makes sense. And ya know what? You stated that you "waste" a lot of time writing stuff to him that he will never receive.....well......I don't think that is a "waste"! That is HEALTHY and a good way to get it off your chest. I did that too. And the "conversations" you have with him...that are really just with yourself.....that is HEALTHY too! I think most literature on recovery recommends doing just that! You are on the right track. Again, it's healthy. You say you "hope to heal and laugh about this crap" one day.....trust me....keep doing what you are doing and you WILL get to that point. Seems impossible now perhaps, but you sound like you are on the right path......stick with it. It's a matter of time, you will feel stronger and happier. Give it time. xoxo

#11 Apr 16 - 4PM

dudette

but so have some of us....

My parents were both very emotionally absent and as a child I was regularly beaten up and left alone at night... My mother threw a hot iron in my face once and she used to rage constantly and told me all my childhood that everything wrong with her life was my fault and that I was useless and this and that and just like my father.... HOWEVER, you don't see me idealizing and discarding every man and my own children in sight, not showing empathy, leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me, spreading STDs, leaving people destitute and moving on without a care in the world..... Abuse and neglect may be? what so you do with it? It just does not justify what we have been put through... no way.....

#12 Apr 16 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

dudette

Agreed! I grew up with no parents...so, yeah. It doesn't give a license to destroy others. I'd say though...it's not an excuse. But, it can be a reason that leads them into this disorder. Not defending them. But, it makes some sense, I guess. I'm sorry you went through that, dudette. I don't understand why some parents treat their own kids this way. Here's something though to think positively about. I broke the cycle with my own kids. I love them to pieces...and while they are disciplined for poor choices...they know I love them, unconditionally. I wasn't going to repeat what was done to me. So...you can somehow find vindication in how you now choose to raise your own kids, and leave that legacy behind for them to carry on. {{{hugs}}}

#13 Apr 16 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

kgirl

Oh Dudette.....I'm so very

Oh Dudette.....I'm so very sorry. Sending hugs to you and the hurt little girl inside of you.

#14 Apr 16 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

michele115 (not verified)

(((DUDETTE))))

I am so very sorry dear...very very sorry. These are very hard things to overcome...but we can get to a good place in time...we can heal...we may never forget that pain, but we can get to that little girl and love her up, and treat her kindly and gently... You are right, some of us have been through some horrendous hurts and pains and abuse and we did not turn around and abuse others. There is nothing I can say to take away your pain...but I can say that I support you, and am here to listen, and really do belive that there is such a beautiful, kind, special, loving little girl in there that deserves the world and more...and we have to work hard to patch her up and make her whole so that she doesn't fall prey to the LIE again... Warm hugs...

#15 Apr 21 - 3AM (Reply to #11)

dudette

thanks guys

and that's fine actually.... I am fully aware of my parents' contribution towards my being an ideal narc target and I have thanked them with a solid dose of NC.....for the rest of my life ( will not miss much either) but will not let them mess up my son... Not popular with the family anymore but hey! this is my survival,, not a popularity contest.... The point is this. I have not turned into a psycho ( I hope LOL|) so the "poor me I had a shit mother" thing just will not wash anymore...not in a 50 year old man who behaves like a 5 year old.... Sorry, not having it! don't feel sorry for them ladies, they don't feel sorry for us after all....

#16 Apr 16 - 2PM

gingercat

Absolutely! I found out my

Absolutely! I found out my husband narcissist was sent to the neighbors for dinner 'cause mom was too depressed to care for him....And that is just the part he remembers. I can only guess at how deprived his infancy probably was. Then his dad drops dead (heart attack) when he was 15 and the only other significant male dies shortly after. This was all post holocaust and even though his relatives had immigrated early I think his psyche couldn't form properly around all the dysfunction. Thank goodness I thought as you do and ignored as much of the western culture consumer driven 'cry it out' advice as I could and our son received the appropriate loving and close nurturing even the simplest of cultures practices. As the years have gone by and his dad has become far worse in the narcissist behaviour I am particularly thankful for providing him with a solid background. Now that we are facing adolescence I know that he needs strong role models to counteract his dad so that is my focus on part two.

#17 Apr 16 - 10AM

michele115 (not verified)

Quin Y

Yes, Narcs have a tendency to make us feel sorry for them...but they hurt and harm. Rather than grow up and say...X happened to me, it hurt me and I don't want anyone else feeling that, they go on to repeat the damage. Nature vs. Nurture I do believe in and I get that maybe they've been hurt so bad that this is how they dealt with their pain...but they ABUSE they HURT and they HARM. Feel your empathy...but from a distance...and I think under the circumstances, that conversation you had within an earshot of your child WAS not so bad after all...you showed him what empathy and compassion are even if NARC man was not able to function on a "feeling level" I agree with all the points you raised regarding how we are slowly becomming a society that BREEDS narcs...it's becomming part of our societal fiber. Those of us aware will have to work hard to not only teach our children, but also work on getting them to learn how to protect themselves...they will be swimming amongst plenty of sharks...I believe the numbers will only increase. Hugs!

#18 Apr 16 - 9AM

It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)

Great post

Great post!! I agree, it is very sad but not all narcs were treated this way. Some have been over induldged with attention. That is the other reason the clinical studies have stated why a narc becomes a narc. My exN's mother babies the crap out him and he's 37 but on the other end of that is his father who walked out on him when he was 5 and never looked back. He claimed he didn't care about him and had no feelings of wanting to reconnect with him. I do feel sorry for him but not enough to let go of all the damage he has done to me. Bottom line is that they ARE aware of right and wrong. They just choose to ignore it.

#19 Apr 16 - 9AM

Deidre40

This is an excellent

This is an excellent thread...I think it speaks volumes. The narc I dealt with last year, had a bad relationship with his mom. Everything you say here signifies him and his mom. But, the latest that I just ended things with? His mommy was very doting, and I think she created the monster he became. I remember asking him...''so does your mom cook well?'' And he acted almost irritated by the question...very serious face...''My mom does EVERYTHING well.'' Well, alrighty then. Thought that was the strangest thing I had ever heard. A normal answer woulda been...'oh, yeah...she is the best cook...'' or something like that. But, the way he said that was so odd. And while she sounds like a very nice woman...it sounds like she dotes on his dad, and him. Like the typical old school Italian woman...who has no life of her own, but makes her sons and husband the center of the universe. Thus, this man expects women to make him their centers. So...I think that there are two types of mothers with these types. The type that caused them pain, and the other than provided them with no boundaries...and no sense of responsibility. I guarantee whatever this guy did growing up...bad grades, fights at school, etc...his mom made excuses for him, and never had him take responsibility. I heard that is how Scott Peterson was raised. No boundaries, he could do no wrong.

#20 Apr 16 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

dudette

Deirdre

Mine was the golden child in his Greek family. His sister would tell you that he used to rage and have huge tantrums from as far as she can remember... His dad was a N and used to take him round to visit his women. He now does the same to his son. His mum tried to kill herself when he was 16. When she died, her dad went back to Greece where he married some poor uneducated woman from the countryside so that he would have someone to cook and look after the kids....the whole family treated her like a slave.... That's what my N wants, some poor "greek housewife" ( no offense to any Greek housewives meant by this btw) but totally like a servant to him.....as modelled by his own father.... Sorry but that is really just not me....

#21 Apr 16 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

wisdomneeded

Golden Child

Yep...Golden Child was the nickname given to Scott Peterson by his step-sister. The mother of the N in my life is more than likely a N herself. Which leads to yet another question do most N's have Narcisstic parents one or both?

#22 Apr 16 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Qing Yuan

Yes I think the mother of

Yes I think the mother of the N is an N herself and more than likely they have two N parents. For us woman here with children with these freaks, we can only hope that we are the strong prevailing force in our chidlnres lives, for which our children can grow, thrive and live with love and empathy and kindness for others...

#23 Apr 17 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

truthwillsetmefree

yes, my N's mother is a narc

She's a narc for sure. I always thought about this and now that I'm reading this I can relate to all of you. I don't know about his dad since he died when he was a teen, but he always tells me that his dad used to love him a lot. I never heard him saying this about his mother. In fact she's the weirdest woman I've met in my entire life. She's a very bad person and I think narcissism is in her whole family. when her father died she didn't even go to his funeral and said she doesn't have any money to help when I know she does have a lot of money. Oh and her mother (my narc's grandmother) is also very weird. They all give the weirdest degrading comments. Anyway I'm pretty sure that the mothers or fathers are a cause of narcs behaving the way they do. Sometimes I really hate this woman's way of being but I can't do anything I make sure I stay away from her as much as possible I don't even like to talk to her I mostly ignore her.

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