Narcs and ED...not sure I understand this....

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#1 Oct 16 - 10AM
Monica
Monica's picture

Narcs and ED...not sure I understand this....

Why is it that so many narcs have ED issues? (No, I'm not talking about EDUCATION issues, lol! Although my narc claimed to have attended the same university I did years after me and there is no record of him having attended there. Lol.)

Mine only had ED issues with "normal" sex. But with more "out of the ordinary" sex, he didn't have a problem. Does this come from their pornography addiction? Their Madonna/Whore Complex? Is it because normal sex is more "intimate?" Just something I have always wondered. I am not a prude, not by a long shot. But this has always baffled me.

Oct 19 - 4PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ED

nailed that one on the head, (no pun intended), had that problem with mine alot, I sometimes think just normal sex didnt do much for him and it was really difficult for him to get excited with just me, he would even put in xxx tapes and it still didnt work, as far as being too wet? ha ha ha mine liked it that way, sloppier the better he would say, now that is weird. He always complained the opposite of me, I was too tight. I have never heard THAT complaint before but nothing shocks me with them. I felt too gee what is wrong with me, it was dead, and limp, He would start to get a bit excited when he talked dirty and told me what he wanted to watch me and others, he said he wanted to jack off the other man so he could watch him come on me, just sick and twisted. And I was worried he and the GF had a good sex life? ha ha ha what a joke, these man like anything, and will try anything to increase the perversion so they can get off. I remember one time spending a few days with him and left to visit some friends I had not seen in years, met my friends for a few drinks and this 28 year old good looking kid tried picking me up, I am 50 years old for Gods sake, I was flattered. So on the way back to my freaks place I thought to myself, what is wrong with him, I just had a very good looking nice young man who expressed how attractive he thought i WAS and I am going home to this freak who cant even get an erection with me laying naked beside him, let alone make love to me, something is very very very wrong here and IT AINT ME!!! Honestly I think mine needs nasty and degrading sex to be turned on or its boring to him, and has no appeal. He always told me I was stunningly beautiful but I guess that will never be enough for a sexual pervert, looks are just an added bonus in his partners not a necessity.
Oct 16 - 11AM
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

same thing here

I found the last person I was with had real issues with ED. He told me he was "peculiar" about sex, as he'd been sexually abused for years (may have had something to do with it). I noticed the only times when he could be guaranteed to not have a problem was when he was really in control, such as when we'd had an argument, and the early days when I used to beg him to come back. Or he was particularly turned on when we "talked dirty" (nothing that outrageous). I thought that he wasn't a narcissist as he didn't seem to want to do anything that outrageous with me and was generally very tender but with distance I'm seeing he could get into it when he felt under control (and he did manage to masturbate several times a day, that was NEVER an issue). The other person I went out with who had a personality disorder, never had ED problems but always wanted sex. If I didn't (because I was sore or whatever) he'd sulk and "punish" me. I felt as if I was being abused into giving it to him, which sounds dumb as I could have said no... it all just felt so overbearing after a while.
Oct 19 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

masturbation

they are masters of masturbation, mine told me he did this at least twice daily, must be the self love thing they have, he would call me up and I could hear him masturbating over the phone, I was the sex hot line number for him for free, how in the world could I have seen what I saw in this sick man is something I will never understand, the spell he had me under was really deep.
Oct 16 - 11AM
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

same thing here

I found the last person I was with had real issues with ED. He told me he was "peculiar" about sex, as he'd been sexually abused for years (may have had something to do with it). I noticed the only times when he could be guaranteed to not have a problem was when he was really in control, such as when we'd had an argument, and the early days when I used to beg him to come back. Or he was particularly turned on when we "talked dirty" (nothing that outrageous). I thought that he wasn't a narcissist as he didn't seem to want to do anything that outrageous with me and was generally very tender but with distance I'm seeing he could get into it when he felt under control (and he did manage to masturbate several times a day, that was NEVER an issue). The other person I went out with who had a personality disorder, never had ED problems but always wanted sex. If I didn't (because I was sore or whatever) he'd sulk and "punish" me. I felt as if I was being abused into giving it to him, which sounds dumb as I could have said no... it all just felt so overbearing after a while.
Oct 16 - 11AM
Hangman11
Hangman11's picture

I was wondering the SAME

I was wondering the SAME thing!!??!! Mine blames it on the diabetes, but since reading some of the posts and seeing the similarities, now I'm not so sure it was "just" the diabetes. He would have all kinds of pills and once upon a time I found some stuff in the closet that weirded me out. I know we could only (seemingly) have it when "he" said so, if I ever initiated sex I would get rejected. Always said "I put too much pressure on him" and therefore he couldn't perform. So I would wait for him to initiate, which rarely happened..UNLESS..it could be oral..yeah..he was all over that! It got so darn boring that I virtually turned into a roommate rather than a wife. I would like to hear the responses to this question myself...
Oct 16 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Hangman11

Hi Hangman11, That description is my ex exactly. He had diabetes too. I think he got diabetes from his lifestyle and then not controlling the sugar levels didn't help with ED. It was an ongoing issue. Always initiated by him cos i got scared of rejection. He refused to talk about the problem and wouldn't get help for it. For two years i had to sink into a horrid place of not feeling desirable in the world anymore.
Oct 16 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ED

it's not diabetes... it's Madonna/Whore syndrome ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 17 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
Monica
Monica's picture

Madonna/Whore complex and abandonment by mother

Barbara...are these ever related in an N's life? If an N's mother abandons him at a very early age and the father is not very attentive, does this in any way contribute to a Madonna/Whore complex forming in the N's later years?
Oct 17 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

their mothers

Yes sometimes the Mother relationship - whether abandonment or sickeningly close CONTRIBUTES to the Pathology. I said CONTRIBUTES not CAUSED!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 17 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

And what IS the cause again?

And what IS the cause again? They were dropped on their heads or something like that? LOL
Oct 17 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

maybe its the mothership

their brains are LITERALLY wired differently lacking in certain gray matter and other limbic connections that are incurable. the nuture only cements it ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 17 - 6AM (Reply to #12)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Shame i couldn't have you both

Once before he left he said about the OW its a shame i can't have you both.....is that cos i was the madonna feeding the baby and she was the whore (yey i second that lol) Also he said about a friend i just met at uni that if he had enough viagra he could have us both. This was odd talk for him cos he had never said stuff like this before. He said 'you don't know what it was like in my marriage' aobut the sex part. I do know her though and she used to dance around and show off like a lap dancer kind of thing, even though she didn't have affairs she was always attention seeking. I assumed this damaged him. Now i wonder if they both tried to make each other jealous cos he told me that she would get funny if he was talking to women and was possessive. I never rose to the bate that he must've been putting there for me cos i was so trusting. However, when i knew he had another woman, i asked him about her like was she pretty. he couldn't help but show a smug grin (this must've been the reaction he was looking for from me all that time). Well he basically had an accident with his ex in the down below department and he had to have an operation to straighten it (there is a name for it but i would lumber you with medical terms). This could be the cause of it not going up in the mornings etc. he never masturbated, he just wasn't really interested. Only quickies every other week. When i said i was fed up with that he stopped altogether. I ended up feeling really yuk in my body and i never ever felt like this before.
Oct 16 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Ditto

When My ex N first shared his ED problems with me (6 months into our relationship...by that time I thought I was just so completely repulsive he didn't want me)...I thought it could be diabetes too. He had been diagnosed as prediabetic upon returning from the middle east. Turns out, he just ate too much cake and cookies in the foxhole. Go figure. Anyway, it's doubtful that diabetes is the cause of the ED with Ns (though that's very plausible with normal men). My N admitted to me when he finally revealed his ED that he had no problem functioning with himself...through masturbation (which I too suspect was several times a day...I know it was at least nightly and in the morning). That alone should have been a huge red flag that it wasn't ED...it was something much more psychologically driven. Like...hmmm...he can't get excited about a woman he's pursuing a relationship with. He's being Mr. nice guy at that point and he can't turn her into a whore. I think it's totally madonna/whore complex. If only I knew then, what I know now....ICK!!! You know, in talking with my therapist about this particular thing, she has told me many times that she doesn't know if she would have done anything different that I did at the time. I was compassionate and understanding (as any normal person would be when the guy you love reveals he has ED). I tried everything to help him through it...and then looked past it as he systematically and progressively escalated his requests and eventually dropped his mask and revealed to me that he needed to think of me as a whore. In other words, he played my emotions like a pro. Which is what they all do. I beat myself up all the time for not seeing what he was doing, but I also see that he was doing it little by little...testing my willingness to bend to his will and accommodate his requests. It really was so incredibly sinister and sadistic. I really hate him.
Oct 17 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

I can identify with the...

really hating him bit. My ex used to blame me for the sex problems, I was always so understanding. As in, "it doesn't matter, relationships aren't always about sex". When he used to get angry and say how important it was I'd then say, "well, we can go see a sex therapist together, go to the doctors, the NHS should refer us for free". I was always careful to say It was "our problem" as I didn't want to make him feel bad. Once, I suggested changing something he was doing in bed (he'd asked for feedback), he ignored it and continued to sulk and do things how he wanted and couldn't understand why I didn't come. (I'd once gently asked him to stop, which obviously caused all kinds if issues). He then said that I was "wetter than anyone he'd ever been with", and that was why he couldnt' maintain erection as he couldn't feel anything. He then told me he'd discussed with his friend to see if he'd had any issues with this, as in women being "too wet". And he'd also discussed our sex problems with his ex gfs mother (who he was having an emotional affair with). I can't believe I'm sharing this but by getting it down I can see how scarily mad the whole relationship was. I'd walked away thinking the sex problems may have been my fault as maybe I'd damaged his ego (he'd been abused as a kid) but I can see now that's probably not the case. Edit: I just remembered about the sex text he sent me the day after my mother died... we'd had a row, he wouldn't speak to me. Then when we did he seemed to think it okay to send me a "dirty message". I have no idea what goes on in their heads.
Oct 17 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

timetomoveon

I just wanted to let you know that when my N was feeling less confident, he said this same thing to me. That I was too wet. I thought being very wet meant I was working properly! Right!lol Thats how womens sexuality works! We get excited and we get wet! So what's his problem? Well, when I was wet, he felt it wasnt tight enough! Can he put it in a tighter hole?(which he told me he did every time he had sex with his ex.) Of which I asked "and this was fine with her? You must have really hated your ex! He responded that he did indeed hate her. Awwww..you romantic man, you! You surely know how to talk with a lady! If your thingy isnt big enough, or you cant handle a real woman and accept how healthy bodies function..I guess thats YOUR problem! (what an ass he was. Like even nature has to bend to his needs)
Oct 17 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

thanks....

4joys, I actually feel a bit better knowing that someone else went through that, but sorry he pulled the same one on you. I was very confused.. thinking what is wrong with me? I need to do a lot more work to get over how I've been left feeling about myself on all this. Mine also thought his thingy may be too small.. wanting constant ego-strokes. Urgh.
Oct 17 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Weird revelation...

Wow. My 1st N made a point of telling me how I was "tight"...and he was pleased with this. He said I was unlike the loose (in that area) women he had been with previously. I didn't know what to make of that declaration at the time...it was such a strange thing to say. I hadn't had sex with a guy in some time when we got together and he was rather well endowed, so I just figured it was part me/part him. Maybe that's all part of the madonna/whore thing...they want a sweet tight little virgin...but really crave the whore (that they'll soon D&D). Not that getting wet is whorish. It's just maybe how they see it through their screwed up lens. Sorry you guys were made to feel bad about your normal body function. Sick a-holes.
Oct 16 - 10AM
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

My opinion

I can only go from my experience with 2nd N, who had ED issues. It's now apparent to me that he couldn't perform unless he turned me into something I'm not (a whore). In his mind and by "coaxing" me to do things that turned him on that was either bad for my health or out of my comfort zone. I think it's a madonna/whore complex but also emotional intimacy issues. And the fact that they want a good girl to cater to their needs (that they find completely asexual) and a bad girl to screw. And they have no problem asking you to be a whore for them...cause it's all about them and to them, we have to feelings or needs of our own (only those they tell us we have).
Oct 16 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Both Ns in my life did not

Both Ns in my life did not have ED issues. They had alot of other issues...lol I guess they have a lot in common but can also be very different.
Oct 16 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ED

whether a Sexual or Intellectual Narc - they don't see women or the opposite sex in a healthy way at all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.