The Narcissists Family

As an ADULT CHILD OF A NARCISSIST (ACON) myself I am posting this as some information for everyone: "Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." Michael Levine by Alice Miller A woman raised by a narcissist parent told me something that probably reveals how narcissists work. She told me she wanted to be "taken care of" by her husband, like a child. "Don't put me in a cage!" This comes from her childhood experiences. A narcissistic mother or father reverses rolls. Because mothers take the major role in child care, N mothers can do major damage to their children, if they are narcissists. A N mother is emotionally immature, the child has to take care of her. The needs of the narcissist mother come first and are like the needs of a hungry baby bird. "Feed me, feed me" the narcissist mother cries to its child, instead of caring for its child's needs, the mother is like a vampire feeding on the child. I have seen a narcissistic mother playing this game with daughters - the daughters would mimic a feeding bird - very childish actions for women over 20! One narcissistic mother wrote that her daughter and her were the same person! The N mother told her daughter she loved her so much that one day the daughter would not be there, because the N mother would have eaten her during the night? Scary! From the outside, looking in, the narcissist family does not appear dysfunctional. Notice that the N family history - filled with unquestionable mythology - is replayed over and over till it sounds like the truth. No one questions present actions or past history of the narcissist. Guilt plays a big role in the family. Head games are the norm; little routines and pet names are used to brain wash children into thinking they are loved. Nothing is ever given to the child permanently. A narcissistic woman I knew had a pet dog to keep her company, and one day some one told her that her dog had worms and he gave my mother medicine to give to the dog. An easy procedure. The next time he asked about her dog, and she told him it had died. She had not given the dog the medicine and his heart had been eaten up by the worms. Mothers and fathers who are narcissists treat their children much in the same way. If the children jump to the narcissists beck and call, mirror them, agree with them, then the narcissist parent will take care of them. Once, my father came to visit at the same time. My mother in law called him and she spent an hour in a cafe crying, convincing him that we had to move back to where she lived. I told him that she was like his wife -another narcissist. I was furious, but my wife, still under her mother's influence, said nothing, just ignored it as if it had not happened. When my mother would visit it was no better. She would go into one of her "moods" and I would take her aside and give her a piece of my mind; I refused to be treated like a child. It was even worse when my brother was around, the same family dynamics would repeat themselves and I would end up feeling physically sick and leave. N train people to cater to their wishes and whims, like spoiled children. If you want to remain sane you have to be an adult with them - a child of a narcissist has a difficult time with this, because they have been trained not to act like an adult with their narcissist parent. The way N parents operate is that they assign their children roles, a bit like birth order, and they have to fulfill whatever that position entails. No matter how hard you try, you cannot compete with the golden child, the chosen one, who represents the narcissists mother or father's image. As a child, you feel as if you disappoint the narcissist if you do something other than what they want - that holds true for your role in the family. One woman I knew used to say that only her and her son had extraordinary feelings and were sensitive. Just the opposite was true, they were the most self centered and heartless members of that family. A young child has few defenses against such monsters. Adult children of narcissists end up at the shrinks, wondering what happened. A few figure it out, others just keep suffering and falling into the same trap over and over. The sequels of being raised by a narcissistic parent are many and varied. If you happen to be the golden boy or girl, the chosen one, then you think your mother or father is great, because they think you are great, the spitting image of them. They gloss over your failings, the divorces, the bad business deals (the other people's fault), and they are your fan club, deflecting criticism from you, bolstering your ego, always complimenting you and your wife and children. They think you are a god, or goddess. You probably know that you have feet of clay, and are imperfect, yet you want your wife or husband to treat you as the apple of your family's eye. It might dawn on you that you have problems, but blame it on someone else, never yourself. You might even think that you suffer from some mental disorder, but dismiss the idea as ridiculous, other people are crazy - not you. On the other hand you might be the unlucky one, the one in the family who always gets the short end of the stick. No matter what you do, your parents, or one of them, never likes it. They are cold, distant, but when company drops by, they will put you on display and you have to perform, you have to make nice. God forbid you say the wrong thing. You will pay for it. You may have a sibling who gets all the attention - no matter what they do - and no matter how hard you try, you will not admired like them. Instead you will be criticized, because is for you own good (sot the favorite one will not get jealous). You may start to turn inward, not let your inner feelings show, because they like to see you cringe, cry, and so you deny them that pleasure. You may have trouble showing your true emotions later on in life, because you are afraid. But of what? When you were young, your emotions got you in trouble, for reasons you still don't understand. You feel incomplete, half alive, and your ego seems to be either at full blast or gone to sleep. You are shy, or the opposite - overly outgoing and seemingly overconfident. Not knowing how real people act, you are suspicious of strangers. Only your N mother or N father understands you, they say, so you are constantly going home, trying to recreate a childhood that never existed. Maybe you dream a lot, never grounded in reality, and miss things. If you are given a surprise party, you collapse into yourself, not wanting to be the center of attention, because someone else should get all the attention, not you. Deep down you hate your mother or father, and feel ashamed for the sentiment because everyone else thinks they are great. MORE: http://www.narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinMedia/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissisticpare.html MORE ALICE MILLER: http://www.narcissism101.com/Beginning/alicemiller.html MORE FOR ACONS: http://www.cdc.gov/od/oc/media/pressrel/r980514.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

The false dreams and hopes are really hard to deal with. Try to remind yourself of the abusive person he was and that you really don't want to spend any of your future plans with this man. The dreams you had would have turned into nightmares if they became a reality. You have to learn to stop holding on to the illusion that there was really any future there to begin with. As far as his family is concerned, they have his number. They are just in denial. You can't possibly live with and raise an N and not know something is seriously wrong...unless they are N's too! My N's mother was an N. The first time I met her she said very cocky, "So Jodie, where do you see YOURSELF in 5 years?" They used to call my husband "the golden boy." He was treated like a king, worshipped, could do no wrong. It was putrifying. He once bought me a necklace and his mother asked "Why did he do THAT?" And I said just joking, "Becaues I'm nice." And she said, "You mean because HE'S nice!!" He could do no wrong in their eyes...even after I brought it to their attention that he was a drug dealer and had all these addictions they kind of swept it under the rug. He'll never be accountable to anyone. He wanted to spend our entire honeymoon with his parents. It was all so strange. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

This is a very interesting question concerning “their” family and the disorder. I believe it can go three ways. Environmental or Genes or both... First sometimes this disorder (sociopathic) traits come from genes. They will come from normal functional loving supportive families. A good example of this would be Ted Bundy. Nothing was noted concerning his upbringing to suggest it was environmental that drove him too kill. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Bundy But still others do come from very abusive home and/or have parent(s) that saw them as a golden boy/girl maybe helping/creating this syndrome and gave the child anything and everything. Wes from the current reality show "The Bachelorette" comes into mind for this situation. Having researched Scott Peterson who also was refer too by his parents as “their Golden boy”. I know mine ex s/p had a very disturbing and *dysfunctional family life. Her mother was also the queen B*t*h and had been on medication most of her life according to my ex anyway. So sometimes this work insomuch after meeting his mother (family) and see how their relationship is you might see sometime and then understand, “ok, that’s why he so dysfunctional”. But again to recap this isn’t always the case and they might have good loving supportive parents but still show strong traits of being sociopathic. * http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/02/but-what-about-her-family.html

It is hard to say what the family thinks but my in-laws were educated people and they all had some kind of relationship problem. My brother-in-law totally controlled his wife making her go to bed before him in order to 'warm his side of the bed' my mother-in-law circulated a petition in her church asking the newly appointd postmaster in their town not to attend services anymore-he was black. My father -in-law was not permitted to stay in the military after graduation from West Point. they all seemed very nice until you heard some of their stories. All of them seemed to lack empathy and sympathy. The story about your being his dream come true and they smile is something all women want to hear but there was no substance. It is like a cruel Cinderella story when the prince turns into a monster. that must have been awful for you as you were expecting something else entirely. that kind of disappointment is so cruel and I hope you know it had nothing to do with you at all.

TRUST ME...his family knows he is a wack job! They like us want to believe he has changed, this time he is different. My N’s family cant believe the changes he made for me, they are shocked. He has told them nothing but fantastic things about me, and has told them more then he’s told me that he is in love with me. The false dreams and promises are too keep you around. When your beautiful, successful and well liked, you make them look good. They feel great cuz they were the ones who got you. They are known by there family as constantly screwing up, they feel entitled to family things they do not deserve, no one knows the N better then his family. And his family has felt his wrath more then once. They just wanted to believe he could be normal and loving and change for the better. JUST LIKE US. My N’s family encourages me to move on, and still be a part of there family. They know hes not good enough and want me to be happy. They are actually helping me through some of this. This is providing his family is "normal".