Narcissists and Conflict

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#1 May 5 - 5PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Narcissists and Conflict

by Kathy Krajco

One simple but easy-to-forget thing about narcissists is that, unlike normal people, they don't mind conflict. They enjoy it.

Conflict makes normal people uncomfortable. We try to minimize it in our dealings with others. Oddly, we love it in fiction (Conflict is the gunpowder of fiction, and it's near relative - controversy - is the gunpowder of journalism. Maintaining constant conflict is the secret to storytelling success). But note that this is "safe" conflict. In real life we hate what we love to see characters go through in fiction.

Narcissists have a whole different attitude toward conflict. They use it strategically to manipulate. They seek conflict. They become impossible people, flying into conflict with you over anything you think, say, do, feel, or wear. As if THEY have the right to determine what you say, think, do, feel, or wear.

This isn't just arrogance. It's a game in which you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, because they are being deliberately impossible to please.

When this is the motive, what happens when you try to defuse conflict, when you try to appease? The narcissist sees that as a sign of weakness, as sign of backing down. It just makes him bolder. This is no testing run at you anymore: now he is serious about running you over. He sees your "weakness" as REASON to come on stronger = to get madder and even more impossible. It's how he's controlling you.

In other words, trying to smooth it over, trying to appease the narcissist just backfires, making him more aggressive, not less aggressive.

So, don't do it.

This is just one of many examples of how normal human behavior backfires in Wonderland, simply because of a narcissist's alien mentality.

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com

#2 Oct 3 - 1PM

Barbara (not verified)

narcs love conflict & making trouble

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#3 Jul 12 - 1PM

Barbara (not verified)

Narcs & Conflict

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#4 May 10 - 2PM

Carolyn

Conflict is an emotional

Conflict is an emotional stimulant. For most of us we are no comfortable with the emotional mix conflict causes and the aftermath. The personality disordered do not have that dislike of conflict and its re-actions. It is one reason that lose jobs and can never maintain relationships. they run wild emotionally and no one wants to be around them. they seem to get a high from it but the hangover is devastating for them and they do not learn by their mistakes.

#5 May 10 - 8PM (Reply to #18)

Barbara (not verified)

They are physiologically different

And the reason they don't have it is literally because THEIR BRAIN IS DIFFERENT. Just read the work of Dr. Robert Hare - the areas of the brain that should light up with emotion? Were shown on MRI scans to have ZERO reaction. Same with sex and the release of oxytocin (the BONDING hormone). Orgasm and breast feeding release this hormone which makes us feel more BONDED. Pathologicals... no reaction. It does nothing for them. Zero. No bonding, no feeling... NOTHING. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#6 May 6 - 7PM

quietude (not verified)

illness

Wow, these stories are just incredible. What some of you have endured is just astounding and very heart-breaking. I have never had to go through this with mine to this extent, thankfully. If I was feeling poorly, he'd tease me and say 'you're soooo fragile, aren't you?'..anytime I had any kind of ailment. He thought it was cute I'm sure, but I was offended that being sick all suddenly turned me into a pathetic person?? He also hated waiting for anything, anywhere -- and ONE time, I asked him to go to the doctor with me cuz I was a little dizzy and sick to my stomach. He hemmed and hawwed and asked how far was it a few times, how long the wait usually is...etc. Sorry to be such an inconvenience in your day, Your Highness. Not feeling well became just another reason for him to degrade me.

#7 May 6 - 5PM

Barbara (not verified)

How a Narcissist Reacts to a Disaster in Your Life

by Kathy Krajco Into virtually every life comes disaster. Bankruptcy, serious illness, divorce, getting laid-off or fired, failure of any sort -- you name it, whether through your own fault or not. How will a narcissist in your life react to the situation? Add it up: You mean nothing to him or her. You are just an object to exploit for their aggrandizement. They have no human feelings for you (despite the occasional put-on) whatsoever. And now you are more vulnerable than ever. Now you are down, so expect a kick. Expect the abuse to escalate. Expect them to behave so cruelly and brutally that nobody who doesn't see it would believe it. From what I've observed and heard, I dare say that this is the mistake everyone abused by someone in their immediate family makes: they expect the narcissist to react to a crisis the way a normal human being would. Your plight would tug on a normal person's heartstrings, even if you were an adversary. So, he or she would let up on you under those circumstances. Yes, even adversaries will let up on you, because they see you are no threat to them under the circumstances. But a narcissist reacts the opposite way a normal human person does. In this, narcissists are only following the same perverse pattern they always do: instead of being appeased by efforts to appease them, they react with a rage; instead of being drawn to what evokes sympathy, they abominate it and react with contempt; instead of being grateful for favors you've done them, they react with hatred (for this proof that they are not God Almighty in your helping them). In short, they react backwards to everything. So, why should we be surprised when a narcissist exploits some catastrophe in our lives to malign and abuse us with shocking inhumanity? The victims of narcissists get blind-sided by this because narcissists are from the planet Pluto. They are NOT acting on normal human premises. So, it's not about your plight: it's all about THEIR ego. So, they see this as NOTHING BUT an opportunity to vaunt themselves on you, period. In other words, they aren't acting on normal human premises; they are acting on narcissistic premises. Those are the premises of PREDATORS. They react to vulnerability the way any predator does = by salivating. If possible, they will make a big show to the rest of the world of being your savior, while behind closed doors they are beating the you-know-what out of you and trying to drive you to suicide -- just because they know you're trapped in the situation. As I've often said before, I'm convinced that the only reign on their conduct is what they think they can get away with. And that changes from day to day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#8 May 6 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

Fawn

Psycho reactions

Amen sisters, I'm sharing my experience with you so that you know how a narcissist will deal with those major life experiences that we all go through. We expect our marriage partner to be there for us when things get rough. I experienced exactly the opposite. It was being kicked when I was down. I have been through a lot in the past three years, but I am very much alive and very strong. I had to lose everything except my kids. They are great people and I think that I survived for them. God knows he couldn't do it on his own. He can't even survive on his own without a mommy in his life. Get out now and move on. You will survive.

#9 May 6 - 6AM

Barbara (not verified)

narcs don't deal well with

narcs don't deal well with illness - ANYONE ELSE'S I can't tell you what exNH put me through with 12 years of infertility treatment and miscarriages. I am having major surgery at the end of this month and my kids DREAD that he will be the caretaker. In 1995 when I was finally diagnosed with Atypical MS he was Mr. Compassion at the doctor. Then one morning when I was in bed, paralyzed on the left side, he came in - TORE OFF THE COVERS and screamed at me "get the f**k up - don't you have any dreams? Get to f**king work!" And while I was fighting for disability payments and social security - he'd get food for himself but not for me. My neighbor (a nurse) had to come help me into the shower and wash my hair & hose me down. He wouldn't. The best was one day I was crawling - that's right - CRAWLING on my hands and knees to the bathroom and he came by and simply STEPPED OVER ME. Nice huh? He would do things like taking the garbage, tying it up and laying on the bed next to me - when I was deathly ill - because he didn't FEEL like taking it out. He'd then berate me for being 'too lazy.' Today he still tells the girls "all your mother does is sleep - she's so lazy." GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#10 May 6 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

Mariline

Barbara

We alla asume you are the strong one here, and you are, that we forget what you have been through. Barbara! How did he dare to do such things to you! Are you having surgery? When? And why you have to call him? CALL ANYBODY BUT NOT HIM! Let us know when you have the surgery. The day you go away and especially the day you will come back to us. (((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)

#11 May 6 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Barbara (not verified)

Mariline

There really is no one for me to "call". His older sister is coming just prior to the surgery and hopefully, I will be home just before she leaves. So at least I will be a physical presence for my children. I am sure things will be o.k. - he is usually good for a few days then gets VERY SICK of having to look after someone else. I have neighbors who are ex -nurses so if I have an emergency I will call them. Another thing exNH did - was when my Dad was dying from a Brain Injury I had to fly to another city with my brother to sign off on stopping life support, etc. ExNH? Work was TOO IMPORTANT so I had to take the kids out of school (at the time) fly with them and stay in a hotel with them. Thank goodness my sister in law stepped in and looked after them while my brother & I were at the hospital. exNH could have CARED LESS. AND I was still having an emotional affair with Psycho-Boy who never even BOTHERED to contact me during the whole time this was going on. I found out later he went to his favorite brothel twice while I was away with my Dad. They really are heartless. I am not strong, Mariline - I am simply sharing hard-won wisdom. As Kirk Douglas has said "An absence of alternatives clears the mind nicely." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#12 May 5 - 9PM

quietude (not verified)

conflict

I really think my exN probably lost so much respect for me toward the end. I remember one rare time when I lashed out at him via e-mail after an argument where he just kept pushing and pushing for me to give him information & practically interrogated me (he did this at times, but this time was over the top). I was so damn sick of it, and my frustration peaked. After crying for hours, I sat down and wrote a very angry e-mail to him about his behavior. He came back with a very long reply that was basically one big guilt trip, and if I felt this way, why am I with him? (Let's not address HIS issue, let's just look at my 'attacking him'). Again, his big weapon of choice was threatening abandonment, again and again and again...He made me feel so bad that I wound up apologizing! And the torture from me standing up to him was pretty intense for a few days. I ran out of ways to express how sorry I was. Then, after he was satisfied I that I beat the crap out of myself enough, it was 'there, there, you said sorry enough...we can move on'. Underneath, I was very bitter about it, but still was very blind to what he was, and just thought we had some 'problems'. When I think of it now, I can hardly believe it. From that point on, I had my tail between my legs, so to speak...most of the time. I'd either agree with whatever rant he was on, change the subject, stroke his ego, submit to his needs...whatever it took to appease him. I thought I was doing the right thing - if I argue, he threatens to leave. Me being the "yes" person just made him lose respect, and he ultimately left anyway. The lesson here is no matter what you do, you're basically screwed.

#13 May 5 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

malloryforest

Quietude

I have lived that exact same experience more times than I wish to share. It is amazing how these Ns twist things around and make us feel guilty about something inexcusable they have done. Early on in our marriage, I had just had enough with my H. I had just had a miscarriage, and of course he was not the least bit understanding. I should get over it. I am depressed and no fun to be with. I am dragging him down. Needless to say, he never wanted that first child...(another story). I had seen a therapist at this time, who advised me to write down everything that I was feeling and share it with him. I gave him the note, and I paid. If he is so horrible, then why am I with him, this is not bringing him closer, I am mean, he is going to leave, etc. THen came the silent treatment that lasted for days. I hate conflict, and very soon buckled under the pressure. Didn't matter if what I was feeling was real. Didn't matter how much I was hurting. I apologized just to get the conflict over. He kept that letter. He has never kept one love letter I had ever given him, just that letter. I know what it is like to feel like you have your tail between your legs all the time. i also either agreed with whatever rant he was on, changed the subject, stroked his ego, submit to his needs....whatever. Mine wouldn't break the torture until he got tears. He didn't do this just with me. He constantly did it with his mother. Every visit, I could chart the cycle between the two of them. Eventually, part of me, couldn't do it any longer. I became very resentful. He treated no better than a maid, and I hated him for it. I was probably oosing with resentment. He would tell me, that I was angry, and he was right. But, he could never take it to the next level. Why is my wife angry. What may I be doing that is making her so frustrated. He wouldn't ask, and when I did share what I was feeling, he wouldn't hear. Barbara is right, we didn't loose their respect, we held onto or gained our integrity. A normal, healthy person would be angry in these situations. Just remember, we are gaining self respect, we have lost respect in them, and ultimately who cares what their warped minds think of us....

#14 May 5 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

quietude (not verified)

mallory

So creepy how similar they act, isn't it? I can't believe even gave you hell even after something as tragic as a miscarriage. I guess the therapist didn't know about how narcs work, hence the poor advice she gave you. I wish at the time of our argument, that I STUCK with the anger I was able to conjure up. I was questioning the relationship until he broke me down again. It was such a great opportunity, missed. Oh well, 8 or so months later, I finally got it and here I am. You're right, self-respect slowly comes back. It's feels good not to be a slave to him. I told my therapist that I won't date for a while because I'm attitude-y, and heaven help the first guy who tries to boss me around. Gotta let that PTSD simmer down a bit first. ;)

#15 May 5 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

Barbara (not verified)

lost respect?

quietude MAKE NO MISTAKE - they have NO RESPECT for ANYONE from day ONE. No matter what they "SAY" - no matter what bullcrap comes out of their mouths or keyboards - they respect NO ONE & NOTHING. It's more important YOU respect you. He guilted you into apologizing so he'd feel superior. That's not a man I'd respect. That's a bully. You didn't lose his respect - YOU GAINED BACK YOUR INTEGRITY. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#16 May 6 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Fawn

Illness and Narcissists

A few things about illness and narcissists learned the hard way. For me this was when the lack of empathy became VERY apparent. My mother was dying of a malignant brain tumor and I was traveling back and forth from my house to hers to help take care of her and to spend time with her before she died. My husband said things to me like, "When are our lives going to return to normal?" and "You never cook anymore." When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, he told me three weeks after diagnosis that he had already grieved my death. He was so upset in public and on my blog about my illness, in private, he was totally cruel. He badgered me about not getting a job while going through chemotherapy. Complained about how my friends treated me like a queen and I didn't deserve it, told me that I hadn't work hard enough in my lifetime to deserve success, and refused to ask anyone else for help. Luckily, I had a great support network, through work, church, and friends. His parents never visited once while I was going through treatment and depended on him to tell them what was going on. (They live an hour away). They didn't know that I was having a mastectomy until they called and I answered on accident. He hadn't told them. For my second surgery, my counselor told me to write out a list of what I needed him to do, including things like, Check on me every 1/2 hour, bring me food or water every 2 hours, etc. Hard to believe, but true.

#17 May 6 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

Dcrutche

This is SO true! The public "act" and the private TORTURE for being ill. My exNH has said to me "You ALWAYS have to be the SICKEST ONE!" He made the mistake of saying that in front of one doctor who said "Sir, that is what BEING DISABLED is." I also realize now he is partly responsible for my M.S. so I do hold him to account for everything. He had brain surgery 2 years ago and I was polite and a little helpful - basically he pays my bills so I did the minimum. He also handles my insurance and the court is very aware of his behavior and he's such a coward he would never do anything but do what he should and complain about it. Jerk. Already "grieved your death"? That has to be one of the coldest, cruelest, sickest things I have ever heard. What a psycho! I found out, also by sheer accident, that exNH hadn't even told people he worked with or in his running club, etc that we were separated. I still get occassional phone messages for him. I used to pass them on - now I just delete them If I do answer them I simply say "we aren't together anymore and haven't been for about 6 years now." The shock on the other end of the line is palpable. He HATES that I do this but 'too bad so sad.' Once people know they confront him. When they say to me "gosh, why didn't he tell me?" I tell them "you will have to ask him." It really makes people think ' what else hasn't he told us?' Trust me exNH will get sick of the flowers, cards, etc I get. And I will do all I can to enjoy them and not give his bad mood for not being the center of attention one once of credence. Glad to hear you are hanging in there after breast cancer. Good for you! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#18 May 7 - 4AM (Reply to #5)

Lisa E. Scott

Dcrutche & Barbara

I cannot believe the hell your narcissist put you through, Dcrutche. This man is incomprehensible to me. I've heard a lot of stories about how cruel narcissists can be, but to say he already "grieved your death" is one of the meanest things I've ever heard. Congratulations for getting through your breast cancer and coming out strong and determined despite the challenges. I've said it a couple times already tonight, but be thankful he showed you his true colors. They always do when things get difficult. These men only want to be with us during the "good times" and we all know, life gets hard sometimes. We can never rely on these men to provide any emotional support. They are only interested in us when we bring fun and excitement into their lives. If we do not, they discard us like a toy. Barbara - you responded to Dcrutche that you are not strong. This couldn't be further from the truth! You have been through so much and yet, have an incredible outlook and perspective on life. You truly are an inspiration to all of us. Never forget that.

#19 May 10 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

fairy wings

illness and other things

I have said before that after my marriage ended I met a man I thought was ideal who proved to be far from ideal - he was violent. I found an old journal today and in it I came across the following entry. I wrote it just after I left him, it refers to a range of things including his reaction to my being ill: 'When I lived with you I would imagine the scene and us being filmed and I'd imagine showing it to an impartial audience and then asking them for comments. Rarely did they blame me. They saw you pin me up against the wall, they saw you brandishing knives, they saw your glaring eyes, they saw you run over the coffee table and throw my photos all over me. They saw coffee run down the wall, mugs smash to the floor and blood run down my face. They saw you throw wine in my eyes, they saw you grab me, rip my jumper, they saw you kick me, spit in my face, they saw us in the car, they heard you shout, they heard me cry. They felt my pain when isolated I fell asleep on the sofa again. Sometimes they would wish I'd drop it, not because I was in the wrong, but because they knew a long time before me that there was no point, he did nothing to show he cared about me. They saw me left in the cafe, they saw me pushed on a bed in a hotel miles from home, they saw me looking pathetic and vulnerable clutching a bag of frozen carrots to my arm the day of my friend's wedding. They saw you barge in to the bathroom and pull back the shower curtain with such force that the bar and the curtain fell down. They saw me standing naked and vulnerable and they heard you shout an inch from my face 'Christmas was wank and your presents were shit', but the day before they were with us on our journey to see your children and they witnessed me making an effort to ensure they had a lovely day. They saw me ill miles from home, being reprimanded like a seven year old child. They saw us on the car journey home and they thought you were selfish for carrying on smoking and refusing to stop the car for me to be sick. They saw me suffer the indignity of being sick in a to a carrier bag. They felt for me, they really did and all the time they asked why? Not why you did it, but why I stayed, why I played along? Why did I cover the bruises when shopping with my daughter? Why did I lie over the phone to friends? Why did I pretend I was ok? Why did I lend you all my best lines? Why did I believe you when you said I was thick. Why did I let you rubbish me in the pub? Swear at me in the street and yet always forgive, always trust, always retreat, ready for another repeat? On occasions they felt the terror: when they watched me laying in bed awake but not daring to move, when you held a knife in your hand. When you held my throat as you peered menacingly in to my eyes. When you shouted at me for not taking a turn off the motorway. Sometimes they felt sorry for me, so sorry, so sad and they felt for me in my increasing isolation. They saw you leave for work the day after my operation. You isolated me all day and when you didn't return at the expected time they saw me phone. They heard you bellowing at the other end of the phone, before you hung on me, isolating me again. Eventually they saw you return and before I could speak you shouted: 'Don't f.....g start'. They watched you make a coffee for yourself and noticed you offered me nothing. They saw you turn on the TV, they saw you sit down and ignore me. When I dared to say I was hungry they heard you shout, 'well after all this, I'm f.....g not.' They saw you continue to watch TV and continue to ignore me. They saw you take a bath and isolate me further. They saw you go from the bathroom to the bedroom and they noticed you ignore me again. They saw me struggle to stand and they saw me walk slowly to the bedroom door. They heard me whisper, 'Why are you treating me so badly?' They heard you explode, 'I'm not, I'm tired, now get in to f.....g bed and stop being a drama queen.' 'You can have a cuddle if you get in and shut up'. They heard me say: 'I'm scared, please promise you won't hurt me, I feel really weak after my operation'. 'Shut the fuck up'. They would see me walk slowly back to the settee and they would notice I slept the night there with no covers. Now when I re-run that film in my head I'm the the observer and I cry at the cruelty, I cry at the punches, I winch as my head cracks on the wall, I cry as I look through the cafe window and see me sitting alone, fiddling with my spoon and fighting back the tears because you got angry, stormed out and threatened to kill yourself as you left. I cry because it happened to me. Then I smile because I survived.'

#20 Aug 24 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

How Narcs Deal with Conflict and Illness

SEE THIS WHOLE THREAD ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#21 Aug 24 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

Fawn

Something to cekebrate

Today is the anniversary date of my diagnosis of breast cancer three years ago. Um not celebrating that, but I am celebrating being alive and well! It has been a very rough road, my divorce will be final any day now. My kids are all healthy and hdppy, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and wonderful friends. My STBX kicked me off of his insurance without telling me, but he us going around telling people that he still loves me and always will. Wow, if this is how he shows his love, what would he do if he hated me? Whatever, he is an idiot. I wish he would just move away and quit texting & emailing me. Don't worry Barbara, I'm not responding.

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