Narcissistic Injury = NC

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#1 Aug 1 - 9PM
sara-smile
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Narcissistic Injury = NC

Boy have I been doing things all wrong for the last 3 days! NC is the only injury they feel!

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2007/01/neither_is_this_is_a_narcissis.html

I have another unrelated post coming, but a quick word on insults vs. narcissistic injuries, and why this distinction is so important.

Narcissistic injuries have nothing to do with sadness. They are always and only about rage.

The narcissist says, "I exist." A narcissistic injury is you showing him that he does not exist in your life. Kicking him in the teeth and telling him he is a jerk is not a narcissistic injury-- because he must therefore exist.

Let's say I'm a narcissist, and you send me a 10 page letter explaining why I suck, I'm a jerk, I'm an idiot; you attack my credibility, my intelligence; and you even provide evidence for all of this, college transcripts, records from the Peters Institute, you criticize my penis size, using affidavits from past and future girlfriends-- all of this hurts me, but it is not a narcissistic injury.

A narcissistic injury would be this: I expect you to write such a letter, and you don't bother.

This is most easily seen in the failing marriage of a narcissist.

The reason it's important is because the reaction of the narcissist to either "insult" is different. In the first example, he will be sad and hurt, but he will yell back, insult you, or cry and beg forgiveness or mercy--he will respond-- maintain the relationship. He'll say and do outrageous things that he knows will cause you to respond again, to prolong your connections, even if they cause him misery. He doesn't care that it makes you and him miserable-- he cares only that there is a you and him.

But in the latter case where you ignore him, humiliate him-- an actual narcissistic injury-- he will want to kill you.----

And before everyone flames me, I am not trying to give a scientific explanation of the pathogenesis of narcissism. This is simply one man's opinion of how we can specify what it is, and what it may predict, past or future. Nor am I suggesting this isn't "treatable"-- anyone can change. It may not be easy, but it is always possible.

And I also do not mean to imply that all narcissists will kill everyone who injures them. The point is rage. They may never act on it, or they may break a window, or attempt suicide, etc.

Sep 9 - 11AM
gypsii
gypsii's picture

Awesome!!

LOVE - no more FakeBook, that's the truth!
Sep 9 - 10AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Maybe he's masochistic

A common trait among Ns/Ps is being self-punishing. The ex-Psych prof would be perversely PROUD during the final D&D if I were indifferent&emotionless around him. But it's probably because it was PAINFUL for me to act as if I weren't in love. He could see the pain in my face. When it comes to dealing with Ns/Ps, a common thread of advice is "don't show emotion, be strictly business." The ex-P both WANTED me to show emotion (he clearly relished it when I was crying) and yet at the same time NOT to. Because as a Narc, he really didn't know what he wanted. Being indifferent to him was a source of NS for him. I was also D&D'd in the autumn, so the ex-P was kind of a freak among Narcs.
Sep 8 - 12PM
CaminoReal
CaminoReal's picture

Thank you for this post

and comments. I am consumed by thoughts of my narc. Just over 30 days NC. HE has NOT contacted me. No hoovering. I know he has 2 to 3 women now. It's just sick that people live that way...always on the prowel, no one means anything to them. Isn't this like an animal's life? But my kitty would not WANT TO CAUSE HARM to anyone except maybe to the neighbor's dog... I am grateful for this group of wise women. Is there ever a meeting of us by city?
Sep 9 - 9AM (Reply to #30)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Camino

He has supply he doesn't need you to provide anything right now. You bore him. Silence = Peace. I had the Silent treatment for 1 year. Hunter
Sep 9 - 2PM (Reply to #33)
Totally Stunned
Totally Stunned's picture

WOW Hunter, I hadn't looked

WOW Hunter, I hadn't looked at my situation like this before, but you are right.... Mine has new supply and let's face it...new equals exciting to Narcs. He gets to pretend to be that amazing man to his new supply bc she doesnt know any better. And that honeymoom phase IS exciting. My phase? The phase where I got to see him for who he really is? The one with love and caring? Yep - that is boring for my narc. But I have to say, it almost hurts more that I bore him..more than anything. Like its my fault I cant be more exciting. Ugh - thanks for reminding me again how evil he is.
Sep 9 - 10AM (Reply to #32)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

War and Peace?

That means in regard to the ex-Psych prof, if silence=peace, I've had the peace part of "War and Peace" for ELEVEN YEARS! But then again, when I've broken NC, I've been downright BORING. And unconsciously purposeful in my boringness. The ex-P would accuse me of being boring... so if the shoe fits. However, if you want a list of great museums in Boston, I can provide that.
Sep 9 - 10AM (Reply to #31)
CaminoReal
CaminoReal's picture

Hunter is blunter

Than necessary. Don't need this kind of "encouragement". Thanks anyway.
Sep 8 - 9AM
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Oh Sara

Why didn't you just send me this post of yours!?!?! It's amazing! Soo glad this post "reappeared" I definitely needed it! Thanks again & everyone's responses were uplifting as well =)
Sep 8 - 8AM
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

***confused***

Ok I am new to all this...and was wondering, NC implies that we go no contact with the Narc. What about my crazy situation...Like I said all new...mine is different...only 10 monthis into this nightmare...meet up with him...and then he does the NC for weeks until I get a hello text..and then a possible rendeveaux within a couple more weeks...then silence again! So should I then give him the good ol' NC the next time I get a text saying "hello gorgeous, howz things?" God give me the strength to do this... i have wanted to, so many times...cause deep down, i want him to wonder WTF! Timtam
Sep 8 - 11AM (Reply to #27)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Timtam

Get your reading glasses out!! Confused?? Of course you are! Welcome to the F'n circus! NC is for your sanity, not theirs! They play all types of abusive games, rage, silence,stalking, you name it they play it! Whatever works to get a reaction out of you!! Silence... Then "Hey baby miss you " then silence!! It fucks with your head, right?? You bet it does!! So if you do nothing (NC) you can't fuel the vampire !! Get it? Hunter
Sep 7 - 11PM
Sea
Sea's picture

I have a question

Does this applies to N that totally discard u and not looked back? They dont hoover dont care that we have gone NC probably 100% erased from their memory? Maybe to such N there's no injury to them?
Sep 8 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

The answer to this question is somewhat complicated

They discard you and don't look back because: You wouldn't play ball with them; give them what they wanted, when they wanted it. You demasked them: revealed to them that you could see EXACTLY who and what they are and they retreated, for AWHILE. They found new supply to either hurt you intentionally OR the new supply gives them what they want for now, someone who can not see past their mask, and plays their sick games more willingly. They usually come back at some point, the timeline varies, as many on here have said, sometimes 20 years later if they can find you. This is why there is no easy answer, depends on the narc, and what his particular deal is. Most of the time, they leave for one or more of the above reasons. Unfortunately without all the details, I cannot speculate as to which reason your narc left. As for whether or not NC is narc injury specifically? Yes, they hate to be discarded or ignored more than anything. A narc NEVER completely puts old supply out of their minds. They may for awhile if heavily engaging with NS and they may use you and your relationship together to torture new supply and keep them jealous and under their control with stories about how great you were or how bad you were. They don't give a shit, they say whatever will sufficently keep new supply feeling bad about themselves and under their thumb. This is a game to them, they don't care about how you feel, only what they want and when you go NC you are now in control and you are making a statement that they just are not that special to you anymore and this enrages them. Will they let you know this? Depends upon the narc and what else he has going on for supply and also how vengeful he is. Some can play this waiting game for years, hoping that you will cave or when you least expect it and are doing well, they pounce like a rat to suck you back in for another round of games. Others hoover the daylights out of you until you either, cave, call the police, or move on and get on with your life and no longer have a spot left in your life for them. Bottomline: The longer you remain NC the more of a chance you have at a complete recovery and if and when they show up you just will not care anymore and will continue to ignore them. Eventually they take the hint in MOST cases if you remain NC. God bless, Goldie
Sep 8 - 11AM (Reply to #23)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks Goldie! I can fit my

Thanks Goldie! I can fit my story onto your analysis! I was discarded due to all the 3 reasons. I dont want to play that ball game (he did ST and i continue with NC). I ripped off his mask (about lying, many ow etc) he went ST to punish me. He has a new NS ( just found out today - related to my other post "he replaced me with a slut"). With all the above, he was in no mood to hoover me. He didnt care about my NC either. I should be happy and use this time of NC to heal n hopefully i would be ready to ignore him for life!! Hugs! Sumiko
Sep 8 - 1PM (Reply to #25)
Totally Stunned
Totally Stunned's picture

Goldie and Sea

Me too! My Narc doesnt give a shit whether or not I am NC. Well, at least it seems that way. Goldie, you said that this really does bother them, that we take away our attention, etc and I hope you are right. For me - I was sucked back into his arms after 6 weeks of NC the first time, soe he knows he can get to me. After spending time with him and his wooing - I saw his true colors (aka - mask off) and his behavior was disgusting. His bad behavior was towards his wife, that I got to witness and I still can't believe what an ass he was to her...all because she didnt give him enough attention. Mine doesn't hover. Yes..part of me wishes he would. I have been given the silent treatment from him the same amount of time I am NC. Goldie - thanks for your analysis here, it does help.
Sep 8 - 11AM (Reply to #24)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Sea

Mine has new supply or old supply I should say. He recycles a lot. It may sting a little, but it's for the best they are gone. You do get used to the calm and peace. It's better for our health too!
Sep 8 - 4AM (Reply to #20)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Sea its very rare for a narc

Sea its very rare for a narc to totaly discard you most will show up again , it could even be in 20 years from now but once you have proven a source of supply thats not fogotten by the narc, we talked about how they objectifie people and have the ability to put the toy back on the shelf untill he wants to play with it again . NC will cause all psychopaths injury , internally they will feel the same hurt but externally they will either scream and shout about it or they will do the silent treatment , my narc does both . Just because they go silent dont think NC hasnt caused injury and the chances up he will try and stage his return at somt point . xx
Sep 8 - 7AM (Reply to #21)
Sea
Sea's picture

Scoop I read your reply 5

Scoop I read your reply 5 times!! U called a spade - a spade! This is how they are like a child put a toy back to shelve cos he's tired of playing with it. Whenever he fancy he will take it down to play again! So sick to know we are the toy!! Thanks so mch for this! Driving into my brain that i am a mere object. So painful for me to accept that still. Hugs hugs!!
Sep 7 - 11PM (Reply to #14)
CaminoReal
CaminoReal's picture

I have the same question

I have the same question as Sea. I really need to hear what you think--need answers.
Sep 8 - 7AM (Reply to #17)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

The silent treatment is

The silent treatment is abuse, no different than verbal evil words! In fact in my opinion it's the cruelest form of punishment! My narc is silent, yes poor baby was injured when I told him exactly what I thought of him. You can dish it out buddy, but boy ,you sure can't take it! So instead of kicking and screaming, he's going to show me and give me the "Fuck you "silent treatment! And like scoop said 20 years later mine came back to start the same Bullshit all over again! When I look back my narc has grown leaps and bounds into a master psychopath! Hunter
Sep 8 - 8AM (Reply to #19)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Silence from them is what

Silence from them is what makes us start to rage at them for not caring and being scum bags. Rage is something ie never experienced in my life. I wouldn't wish harm on anyone. I wish my narc would jump in the lake and go away. I have had a lot o anger for months. How dare he forget about me! Who does he think he is! How dare he fake loving me for a blip and proposing and moving into mine and my sons home. How wrong of me not to listen to the blow horn going off in my head daily. No contact is now our only way for survival. I want to pick up the phone and give him a fuck you and die bastard call every day but that won't work. I think people might think im a little loopy if I do that. And that's the other thing! I've done crazy shit that I wouldn't do in a million years! I've put up with him cheating on me multiple times. Beig on dating sites and tellin me it was my fault because I'm so darn insecure. Well I'm stronger now and this is now my time to only do what I want and dating is not in the cards. I'm still in the hate men stage. But my no contact with my screwed up sick bastard of a narc Michael is my "fuck you" to him every day.
Sep 8 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
Sea
Sea's picture

Silent treatment is so cruel!

Mine dish this out to me throughout the whole 3 yrs we are together. Its the F* u silence. He will enjoy time with ow during this period waiting for me to suffer n run back apologising for things that are not my fault. The most cruel one was during a pregnancy scare. He said I can give him the baby if I want to keep he will raise the child without me! He said he cant stand having a wife. I should be considered lucky that he allow me to keep the baby cos i have good looks and brains - good genes! Other woman he would send for abortion! I fought with him over this and poof he goes on ST!! Leaving me to deal with the scare alone!! Luckily i wasnt pregnant. He now puts his toy (me) bk to shelf. I reckon the NC has very little hurt on him as he has mqny other NS. Not tht his level of hurt has any relevance to my NC. NC is for myself but still feels revengeful to know he is also suffering.
Sep 8 - 12AM (Reply to #15)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

CaminoReal and Sea

I hate to say this guys but I really don't have any idea?? I'll PM Goldie, Scoop or Hunter and see if they can give us an answer on this one. I didn't have this kind of experience and I'm still learning so much every day! Let me PM somebody and see if I can get us answer! Sara
Sep 8 - 7AM (Reply to #16)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks Sara for helping to

Thanks Sara for helping to reach out to Scoop. Hugs!
Sep 7 - 10PM
chimpy1985
chimpy1985's picture

Thanks Sara

Fantastic post and love the article My N was that down to the ground. Good luck with your NC and well done so far. You can do it!!!! XXXX
Sep 7 - 10PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

This is something I've been

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. When my ex faded out of my life, he reappeared - via very brief "hello" e-mails - a few times over a two-month period. I responded to the e-mails, also very briefly, and asked him how he was. No response. But another "hello" e-mail would arrive a month later. Right up until I finally deleted him from my FB. I never heard from him again. He had friended a favorite relative of mine on FB when we were together - he'd never met her but sent her a friend request anyway, which she accepted - and I've been checking out of curiosity this last year to see if they were still friends. They were. She has so many FB friends that I figured he got lost in the shuffle - especially when they'd never met - and as for him, the more FB friends he has, the better he looks to the world at large, at least that's what I assume. A month or so ago, I saw him and his new floozy out in public. When he left - before I did - he made a point to let the floozy leave ahead of him (he didn't know I was aware of this) so he could walk right past me by himself, as though he were there alone. My gut feeling was that he'd WANTED me to see him, and was hoping I'd reach out to him either right then or on FB later. I never did. It tore me to pieces to see him, and to see him with HER, and it set me back months in my recovery, but I didn't break NC. A couple weeks later, I did my routine check to see if he and my relative were still FB friends. They weren't. Interestingly, the unfriending seemed to have taken place the night my relative posted a photo of her and me together that would've shown up in his news feed. Putting all the pieces together, it would seem that my ignoring him this last time really got to him. Never mind that HE left ME, never mind that HE wanted nothing more to do with ME last year - he still wanted me to want HIM, didn't he? And when I didn't, he couldn't deal? Am I off base?
Sep 8 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

MandyM

I don't think you are off base at all. It sounds just like something a childish Narc would do! It doesn't matter if you left him or he left you or it was mutual. If they want attention and you don't give it to them then it's a Narc injury and they HATE IT and act like a 2 year old. GOOD JOB!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! Your post made me smile! I love it when I Narc gets a little taste of their own medicine! Heeee heeee! Again, GOOD JOB!
Aug 5 - 6AM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

NC is the only way!

I haven't heard from my psycho Narc since I lost my mind last Friday and went psycho on his stupid ass! One week ago today I was popping xanex like tic tacs and 2 steps away from a nervous breakdown!!! Since I haven't heard from him I have been like a new person!!! My therapist told me Wednesday that I was doing so much better this week and I told him it was because of NC! Not hearing from him always makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER! For those of you who are having a hard time with NC PLEASE read this article and try really hard to stay NC. It is honestly the ONLY WAY to get any peace. Yes I still think about him and YES I still want to run over him and beat him with a baseball bat but it's not constant RAGE like I have when I hear from him. Maybe this time he really will leave me alone?? NC!! It's kept me sane for 7 days!
Sep 8 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I loved what you posted here.

I loved what you posted here. This thread is a winner! I'm very happy to hear you're doing better since that incident. does that mean we won't be joining the monks? :=(
Sep 9 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Deidre

Heck no! We're still going! Pack your bags! :)
Aug 5 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Reddley
Reddley's picture

NC is the bet thing you can

NC is the bet thing you can do for yourself. You've proven it to yourself... so keep at it. :) I have had a few down days during my exN's 2 week vacation, but overall work has been blissful. NC has been really fantastic. The next test comes Sunday night when he returns. I'm already getting a little anxious about it.