Narcissistic Dealbreakers?

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#1 May 31 - 9PM
StudentOfLife
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Narcissistic Dealbreakers?

My "n" and i had a non-closure sort of "break-up" about 2 1/2 months ago. I sought closure. I guess it was a mistake. My weak boundaries allowed him back and he has been hoovering big.

After some of the reading and research I have done, I am feeling that the "safest" way to end things with him would be to find a way to have him feel like breaking up is *HIS choice*. I know this is manipulative, and a farrrr cry from my principles; HOWEVER, I am feeling in my gut that he feels i am somehow HIS to do with as he pleases. And if I break up with HIM, he will be angry (Narc injury to the max!); and if HE breaks up with ME ....well, in some cases it may be truly SAFER to face the D&D.

Could anyone help me think of something that would be a "dealbreaker" for a Narcissist???

Jun 1 - 9AM
mystwoman
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Narcs are all about control.

Narcs are all about control. You are correct that the narc sees you as "theirs". Unfortunately they seem to see this even AFTER it's long over between you. Once their "property", always their property in their little controlling minds (only). According to the viewpoint of a narc, other people are tools to be used for their benefit (supply). There will be no closure in a relationship with them because they're never done with you (if they think you have any potential use to them). Your key to getting rid of a narc is to become worthless to them. If they get short on narcissistic supply, they frequently will try to return to former supply. They're kind of like a vampire that sucks it's victim completely dry of every little drop of blood, and just leaves the body discarded on the pavement. However, if the vampire (oops, I mean narc - lol) starts having trouble finding future supply, they will return to the former cold dead victim to try sucking on it some more. With a narc, there really is not a "safe" deal breaker. In my case, I just told him it was over - I'm done, I want no more contact with him (ever), and then I implemented complete no contact. This involved no emails or texting, no phone conversations (including I changed my phone number and email accounts), no personal contact. If he walks past me, I make no eye contact. He does NOT exist. Yes, he is angry but...oh well. Narcs are angry underneath all of the time anyway. Being angry is NO change for a narc. They live full of rage and anger. It's standard operating procedure for them. If the narc does anything you consider dangerous or threatening, call the police on him or do whatever you need to protect yourself. Then remain NC. No contact is truly the only way to get these jerks to leave you alone. They HATE to be ignored (no supply), and ignoring them completely gives them a message much more clearly than anything you could ever say. Actions speak louder than words. If you give absolutely no narcissistic supply, they will start looking for another victim to suck dry. If you remain NC, you regain your strength, recover from damage they inflicted during the relationship, and you also gain the knowledge to see them for what they truly are with a new clarity. The narc is NOT the illusion you fell in love with. Knowledge is truly power. If the vampire (narc) decides to return to what he thinks is a former corpse (supply) in the future, you will then have the knowledge and strength to just "play dead". The narc gets no more supply from you. You become "worthless" to him, and he continues moving on in his quest for a new victim. That is the way to ultimately get rid of a narc. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jun 1 - 6AM
Jannie In the Sun
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YOUR Action is your Power!

Narcs are all about power and I lost mine by trying to please a man who only cared about himself. People are objects to them and life is a game of power, glory and self gratification. The only ones who matter are those who mirror his greatness. If you give the power to him (in any situation) you will feel even more lost and hurt in the end. Furthermore, will you ever really know if it is over if you let him call it off? YOU find the strength within and from your understanding friends, support groups, etc. to get him gone forever. This will make you stronger and wiser and empowered by your ability to make your own decisions on how you let people treat you. Walk away from the poison, run fast and don't look back, delete..delete..delete, put the penis down, No Contact. Love yourself and be good to you! Peace and Love
Jun 1 - 5AM
StudentOfLife
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Thank you both so much for

Thank you both so much for your feeback. Lol, Susan32 - you have some interesting ideas!! :0) I was thinking about how easy it would be to just tell him I have discovered I am a lesbian, but i don't think he would buy it!! The truth is normally my policy, no games. Even tho i managed to become sucked into his games so many times. (oh, and then of course i was the one who ultimately was accused of playing games and creating drama!! ugh!!)
Jun 1 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
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That would've made me more desirable

Honestly, I think if I had told the ex-Psych prof, "I'm a lesbian", he probably would've either attempted a threesome with his girlfriend&I... or he would've made some serious moves on me. Because I think his girlfriend was bi or perhaps lesbian. He'd constantly accuse me of being a Narc&a lesbian... now I think he saw those as desirable traits in a partner. I think it's what he WANTED. When I told him I wasn't a lesbian, he was visibly disappointed. He looked absolutely heartbroken.
May 31 - 9PM
Susan32
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Considering I was the one who left...

I pulled what is called the "disappearing act." The ex-Psych prof would beg me for my address, my phone number... I'd play the ol' bait and switch technique. I'd be deliberately vague... or dangle them... then not give them AT ALL. It was a safety issue. When I left town, I told nobody. Not even the people I trusted. I just *UP AND VANISHED.* Imagine Bilbo when puts the One Ring on at his birthday party, vanishing before his astonished guests' eyes. Some other deal breakers- 1)The ex-P couldn't stand seeing me HAPPY. I know some Ns/Ps want partners who are happy all the time, but not mine. The "he could only tolerate me when I was happy" did NOT apply in my case. Whenever I was happy... the ex-P went running the other way. Not walking. Running. He was paranoid that I was laughing at him. Sheesh. That explains why when I've broke NC over the past 11 years, I only mentioned sadness&anger ONCE. The rest of the time... such as when I broke NC in '09... I wrote such sappily happy stuff it makes Disney look like gritty realism. I AVOID mentioning sad/depressing stuff when I break NC. Because he'd feed off of it. I can't even give genuine NS. Just knock-offs like pirated DVDs in Shanghai. 2)The ex-P could NOT bear being mocked. Ridicule sent him running. When the senior skit mocked him after the final D&D, he bolted out of the Great Hall. As mentioned above, he hated being mocked. It was attention he did NOT want. Okay, last time I broke NC, I was ridiculing him. Who likes being dumped, then mocked? Especially if you're an entitled Narc? Bad enough for us normal people. Worse for them. 3)The ex-P couldn't endure being compared to children. Now, my former Narc coworker loooved being called a Big Baby. This doesn't apply to all. Apply on a case-by-case basis. Funny. When I broke NC, I compared the ex-P to a newborn. 4)The ex-P couldn't stand it when I wished him&his girlfriend a happy life. I had figured out the triangulation, and I played it against him BIG TIME. He'd act grudgingly grateful, but he seemed as comfortable as someone passing a kidney stone. I praised the girlfriend, never said a cruel word about her. My classmates mocked her, they made cracks about her butch ways&if she were possibly a lesbian... I never told him. Because it would've backfired on ME. My kindness towards her... backfired on HIM. And "better him than me." It's all about knowing how to deal Narcissistic injury. You might even enjoy doing it.
May 31 - 9PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Hmmmm...I would only do this

Hmmmm...I would only do this if the narc is dangerous and/or psychopathic. I did this recently to protect myself in the event that my ex N get suddenly furious and rageful over a pretty nasty letter I sent him confronting him with what he had done. NOT that he didn't deserve it! When I thought twice about what I had written I knew I had to smooth things over, and to be truthful, I'm glad I did because I did say some truthful things to him and it allowed me to let go in a way I could not have done before that point. But to come up with lies in order to end it is a tough one, because no matter what you say to these guys, they get pissed off. They twist everything you say or do to suit their own emotional needs at any given moment in their day. If he is not dangerous or if you feel he will not hurt you as a result of narcissistic injury, my advice would be to simply go NC and that is the end of that. Tell him it is not working for you and say goodbye.
Jun 1 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

I've been reviewing the

I've been reviewing the potential dialog in my head for at least the last week, maybe a little bit longer surrounding what I will say -- if taking the honest and direct approach. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach about the whole fallout, you know? I am not at all convinced that Ns can handle the truth! I am afraid it would be a narcissistic ego injury ....you know , that ginormous creation they have built around themselves to protect the real "them".... and i believe he may protect it at all costs and retaliate somehow. How dare I break up with awesome wonderful perfect HIM?! I dunno.....
Jun 1 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Student...is that feeling in

Student...is that feeling in the pit of your stomach one of fear of physical retaliation? If so, follow that instinct and simply smooth things over and say anything you like that may take the responsibility of the break-up off of him and on to you. It doesn't matter what you say. On the other hand, most narcs are cowards and blow a lot of hot air. Again, you have not been clear about exactly what type of retaliation you fear from him and why. what are your reasons for the fear of him?