Narc words versus Narc actions....

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#1 Dec 30 - 11AM

TNR1

Narc words versus Narc actions....

Oftentimes, we are confused by the mixed messages that we receive from the Narc. Sometimes they will tell us something that makes us think that perhaps we were wrong in judging them to be a Narc. Sometimes they will tell us that they love us and then minutes, hours, days later they will make a snide comment that cuts us down. Sometimes when we suspect a Narc is up to no good, he will gaslight us with his words until we question ourselves. It is important to remember that Narcs will use words in order to get a certain outcome (and it is always to their benefit). When faced with words that do not add up, I always compare those words with how the Narc acts. More often than not, the actions are not congruent with the words. Do not fall prey to the wonderful sounding words if he is treating you poorly. This is why I do not trust Narc words, I trust Narc actions. Narc words can be manipulated, Narc actions cannot.

#2 Dec 30 - 1PM

Lisa87

I have a spin on this...seems

I have a spin on this...seems my exN's actions were better than his words for the most part! He was most definitely a giver and not a taker (he did try to take my soul though & my heart come to think of it). In the end it was the nasty comments or sexual things he wanted me to do that was his way of D&D. He always followed through on his words and needed to "look good" to all those around him so actions were key to make him adored and loved by his fans. Behind closed doors, no one would know the sneaky sick manipulative things he would say...and lie about. He was a very good liar...and all with a smile or glimmer in his eye!! He never canceled a date, never was late, never argued or yelled and always followed through what he said he would do. Generous as can be. He hates to look bad in anyone's eyes. To this day, he holds his head up high thinking he did nothing wrong.

#3 Dec 30 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

TNR1

I'm not talkinag about a

I'm not talkinag about a public persona....behind closed doors..what were his actions? It sounds to me as if he reserved his disorder for private moments. That makes sense....most Narcs want to appear spotless..a model citizen. But it is away from the spotlight and the adoring fans that their true nature is revealed.

#4 Dec 30 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

Sparrow

House Devil, Street Angel

#5 Dec 30 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Lisa87

Well after breaking up 2-3

Well after breaking up 2-3 times he was always on his best behavior behind closed doors also. When I lived with him for 3 months while my house was being built, he did do a few sick things, did try to start a fight and give me ST once and disappeared during the day 2 days in a row when were supposed to go away etc. He was D&Ding me at the time cause I was cramping his style by living under his roof. But in his eyes he did nothing wrong. He came home at night and would give me hugs and kisses telling me he loved me..every day. He got very upset when he found out I told my friends I found him cheating and drunk at 930am on a Monday (but she slept in the guest BR...yeah right), he said "now the whole town is looking at me like I'm a cheating drunk"! Well, if the shoe fits, wear it, thats exactly what he is! Things were never the same after that, he could barely show his face around my friends, thinking that they thought bad of him. So yeah, actions, words, they are all scrambled and thats what they do to us...scrambled eggs!

#6 Dec 30 - 12PM

janemarie

I used to say....toward the

I used to say....toward the end..."You need to SHOW me that you love me...not just say it...I show you every day..how do you show me?!" The fuck would say, "Oh Christ..you're so needy..stop giving me shit!" He told me after I left...You are my soulmate...I cant live without you...I need you...My kids need you...Im devestated...you broke my heart in a million pieces...(4 DAYS HE WAS FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE IN MY BED AND HE IS STILL WITH HER!!!!) That's how devestated he was!!!!!!!!!!!! AWWW the poor Narcissist fucker...he's such a victim with me giving him shit and walking out on him....What a Bitch I was?!?!?! DONT GET ME STARTED!!!!!! Said with love for all of you! xoxo

#7 Dec 30 - 12PM

Je Suis

words

Great post! Yes, it was his actions that got me scrutinizing the "relationship." As far as words go, his were empty and lame. His downfall? He talks in his sleep.

#8 Dec 30 - 12PM

TNR1

Examples of Words versus Actions Mismatch....

Words: I wish you were my girlfriend. She doesn't understand me the way you do. Action: When they broke up, he did not ask me to be his gf, he found another gf and kept me as "beck and call" girl. Words: I love you. (Gosh, I was over the moon when he texted those words. I wanted so desperately to believe them.) Action: Whenever he saw me, it was all about sex. When the sex was over...he would 1. sleep 2. answer emails/text messages on his phone 3. get dressed and leave. Words: I want to see you more often. Actions: In a course of 6 months, we saw each other 3 times. Words: You are the best thing in my life (again, I wanted so badly to believe those words). Actions: Never called, always sent text messages. Normally did not text unless I texted him first. )Hmmmmmm. Interesting way to treat the best thing.) Feel free to add your own examples....

#9 Dec 30 - 12PM

clover16

Great reminder!

Thanks TNR1, I'm going to write about this in my journal today. All throughout my relationship with the xN he talked such a great game, and then didn't follow through on many of his words. This seemed to be the same with his career and future plans, not only about our relationship. He always had a new plan for something or other that became the drama of that week (plans that I'd often help him with, because I was excited to see him happy), and then he would forget about it like it never existed! So strange. A motto for healthy relationships: check for follow through and connection between words and actions!

#10 Dec 30 - 11AM

spinning

TNR, this is one of the key

components in understanding what you are dealing with. It is also a key component in healing. Separating the WORDS from the ACTIONS. The PDs are pros at tossing about "pretty words." It is their stock in trade. Over time, however, it becomes almost impossible not to see that what they're saying doesn't match up with what they're doing. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to truly OWN. It's hard when you're hearing all the stuff you want to hear and all the stuff you want so badly to believe. But once you fully grasp that the ACTIONS and the WORDS don't line up at all, the words become much easier to disregard. This is an awesome reminder and a good tip for those still struggling with this concept. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I KNOW TOO MUCH TO EVER SPIN AGAIN FOR ANY DISORDERED FREAK

spinning

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