Narc made me into his confidante about other women and I took it

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#1 Apr 15 - 11AM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Narc made me into his confidante about other women and I took it

How many of you have been made into confidantes by the narc so that he could discuss his other relationships with you WHILE HE WAS SCREWING YOU ALSO!! Among other things I read Tarot professionally and my ex N used to ask me to do reading about him and about a dozen other women. It was like I didn't exist. He just would tell me about the other women all the time, like he just needed someone to talk to and that was me. I was just his little teenage "cute" girlfriend who was just there to be a sex slave for him when he wanted, and then he got to talk to the 44 year old brilliant, wise, wordly, empathic intuitive? FUCKING ASSHOLE. I am so beyond humiliated. How did I ever let this go on? I am so damaged from this one aspect alone. I must have been so desperate to have any meaningful conversation with him that I lowered myself to this level.

Apr 18 - 6AM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mine Did This Too

But it wasn't about other women he was seeing or sleeping with while he was seeing me (as far as I know). He would talk about his previous relationship with the victim right before me, he would talk about women friends, one in particular where I knew they were only friends but found out over time that he'd had a crush on her (and I believe still does). I really think that if the timing had been right when they first became friends there was the potential for an affair, but because they never crossed that line, she'll always be the madonna on the pedestal for him. And then he would talk about women hitting on him, just about everywhere he went: the store, fast-food restaurants, parties & bars of course, the details of what they would say, their interaction, etc. He would tell me what his women friends on his FB page who were pursuing him would say in their texts, emails & phone conversations. If he didn't have some recent event to brag about, he would dredge up some story from his past. It was maddening. It constantly made me jealous and insecure, which was his intention all along. I told him over and over to stop talking about other women, I didn't want to hear about them. When he would tell me some details that I found particularly hurtful and asked him WHY he told me those things, his answer, under the guise of "honesty" was, "Because I tell you everything Smitten." Well, there's such a thing as being open and forthcoming, and too much information. We'd be on the phone talking about us, and out of nowhere he would change the topic to talk about some woman or women. Or he'd weave it in to fit with our topic. Initially when he did this, I just got quiet and silent on the phone and then he'd wonder what was wrong. Over time though, it was a constant source of arguing and bickering, and usually the reason I hung up on him. Over the course of the relationship and especially towards the end, he really talked a LOT about the previous GF, which I hated and he knew it. Then after the big D & D, he tried talking to me about his new GF AND the old GF. Yeah, TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!
Apr 18 - 12PM (Reply to #14)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Smitten

MOTHER F--ker. mine did EXACTLY what you just described and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write such a detailed response to me. I am walking around with so much insecurity and pain - insecurity that I don't think I have ever had in my life! It's just UNREAL what he did to my psyche. This is the parting gift he left.
Apr 18 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Adding Insult to Injury

At the end, he said "We didn't work. We were always fighting. I got tired of the fighting." And what were we fighting about? Women! His interaction with other women! Then he would say, "What women? There are no other women" and accuse me of being too jealous! Right. I've never been a jealous person, but then I never had anything to be jealous about..... until him! And it wasn't like he didn't give me a good reason, he went out of his way to do it. And in the end, my worst fear came true. He dumped me for somebody else, validating my "jealousy." Of course, he's doing a 180 on this whole approach now with the new GF. Said he doesn't want to make the same mistakes with her that he did with me. No talking about other women, no texting or talking to women friends, no more flirting on his FB page, no more making eye contact and flashing a smile at every woman who catches his eye. He deleted all the FB pictures with other women, the flirty posts and hearts - completely changed his persona over night. He told me he wants her to feel secure with him and never give her any reason to doubt him or have any secrets with her. She will feel like she is the only woman he's ever loved (didn't we all feel that in the beginning?) and won't know about all the women he's been with over the years, and she won't even know about me or the previous victim before me. And to top it off he said, "This is the real me." So nice of him to have that kind of respect for her feelings but not with mine. And though he says in one breath he doesn't want to have any secrets with her, he's already starting the relationship based on lies, with him being the biggest one of all.
Apr 17 - 10PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

That is definitely the case

The N baited me for sympathy and supply, when his second wife cheated, and left him. Happened to him twice! Poor guy, right? Not!!!!!! Self-inflicted sob story... just a lure, to continue the cycle.
Apr 16 - 3PM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

Had a similar experience

About 15 years ago I had an experience with a narc. He would tell me about other women or joke about how he'd still be a single old man and never find anyone. All the time he was sleeping with me (and many others). I was besotted with him and we'd been friends for a good few years prior to having a relationship - I mistakenly thought this meant something. He would also tell me to date other men. I used to get asked out by other men and he would actively encourage me to go out with them. I had no interest in anyone else but him and never took up any offers (I wish I had now!). I think to him I was just one of many women he slept with. He was exceptionally good looking and I think he had his pick of women. He would tell me all about them and when I went to his house there was physical evidence too like other womens earrings on his bedside table etc. I wish I'd never got involved with him now.
Apr 15 - 4PM
agitating prop
agitating prop's picture

Patient with yourself, Patiencegoal!

Patiencegoal, You have done nothing to be humiliated about. He's the one who should be humiliated. If you are a teenager, under the age of 18, I'd be tempted to report the guy for stat rape. Even if you are over the age of consent, his messing around with a really young women is creepy. You were a sitting duck. Be very very patient with yourself. He's already mistreated you, don't add to his abuse by judging yourself. Being taken advantage of by men like this can happen to anyone. The worldly wise 44 year old is going to be used to the same extent, just in a slightly different way. My idiot was living common law with a partner he had split up with 20 years ago and reunited with 10 years ago. He would write me purple prose about all aspects of their life together, including their sex life, even after I asked him to please knock it off. Yuk. It always struck me as odd. It felt like I was living in their house, his descriptions were so compelling. And oh, the fun they had together and the intellectual banter! I can see now a lot of this was probably designed to make me jealous, but it was always framed as, "Oh, I have to have someone to share these stories with. I'm so lonely!" This isn't remotely logical. But never mind--he wasn't a rational man. About a month before he went silent on me 4 months ago, and after he asked me to marry him, he accused me of a "serious pattern of criticizing his X!" He advised me that I had to get used to the fact that he still had some feelings of love for her. He was making plans with me and not telling her, but he had feelings of love for her...uh huhhh. She knew I was in the picture but had NO idea the extent of it. There was always a good "compassionate" reason, for not telling her....yet. During this one particular phone call, he started yelling at me when I warned him he should get all sensitive documents out of his house BEFORE he told her, or I figured she'd go ballistic, as she had the first time they split up. Again, he told me I was right out of line and that he would defend those he loved, "to the death"!! My intuition was that he was about to break if off and I was horrified that he was going to do it while claiming the moral high ground! I quickly changed the subject and was not altogether surprised when he did break up with me a month later. I was completely aghast at the method he chose, but the dump...no that wasn't a total shock.
Apr 15 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Agitated!

I think I was not clear in my post I am SOOO sorry! I was 14 when I first dated narc and now I am 44 and I was trying to say that he sees me as 14. In any case he most likely is a pedophile
Apr 15 - 11AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I bet everyone here has. Its

I bet everyone here has. Its their MO its all about triangulation. He tried to talk to me about his EX but when he saw he wasnt getting anywhere with me with that approach he stopped. But They always have to triangulate so what did he do? he told me he his getting married to someone entirely different and named her by first name. All about triangulation
Apr 16 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

He compared me to one of his

He compared me to one of his ex's or at times if I was "lacking" in something for him, he'll bring someone up. like "M wouldn't act that way. she did blah blah blah". He planted those seeds that I was not good enough as so-and-so. Other women did things that I should be doing. Even when i would tell him that I didn't agree with it and if those women did it, they had issues and I'm not like them. But still, it changed me in the relationship. Slowly chipped away at my self esteem and essence. I'm sure I've been used now in the new marriage and the wife is defending herself. I find it as a cruel psychological form of abuse. I never used anyone in my past to make him feel bad or to "help him" learn on what I need. It's cruel.
Apr 15 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

SOI

Can you explain triangulation? I see what it is clearly from these boards, but would love to hear it directly from someone here. I assume it is the narc pitting you against another woman he's with in order to make both women insecure thereby keeping them both in the relationship?
Apr 16 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
dudette
dudette's picture

Triangulation PG

is like my narc saying to me: I love you but I have feelings for xxxxx and so therefore I cannot commit to you... Being positively triangulated would have been me going: Oh my love! let me fight against that horrible woman and win your love all over again so that we can be happy together forever.... but instead he got "In this case we are over and I shall move on, you will not phone, write, email or contact me in any way...." and walked out, laughing.... I think he was not expecting this pathetic attempt at triangulation to backfire so spectacularly in his face LOL
Apr 16 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Dudette

Thank you...yes my narc did this with me about not one but several women he had feelings for, but there always THE main one he never left and I think he may be married or engaged to her now I am just guessing based on very strong marital phrases he was throwing around about her.
Apr 19 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
dudette
dudette's picture

PG

oh well good for her for he is clearly such a catch!!! Honestly, let her have him lock stock barrel, lying, cheating, STDs, triangulations, OWs and mindfucking extraordinaire, all wrapped up in a pretty bow for easter.... Until good old D and D turns up at the door, possibly as a belated Xmas present.... Oh well, at least my dear, it is not you :-)
Apr 20 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Dudette LOL

You always make me laugh...yes a pretty Easter present for her. I have no clue what he is doing he may have dumped her too by now but I can't stand that bitch either...and she really is a very abusive woman. Perfect for each other. EEEEEWWWWW!
Apr 15 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Bingo and it presents in

Bingo and it presents in almost every one of these relationships. Im not sure if the Im getting married was the introduction of the triangulation or if it was just a true kiss of laced with a Im gonna stab you one more time on my way out. Im not sure time will tell. But Ill tell you one damn thing if it was about triangulation it had the opposite effect on me it didnt send me into an obsessive tizzy of crying and begging nope. It sent me silent and that may have been what he was striving for.