A Narc Encounter's Story

Prepared for the Marginalization

He responded to a room mate ad off Craigs. So, you can say it was on line. My photo as an author was in a connected site. You could say I invited this one. I allowed him over because he was a high end professional in my town. So, gorgeous 55 year old Harrison Ford look alike knocks on the door, Spring 2011 - no seeming intention to be a room mate...but had me out dancing like Cinderella with her prince since week one. And he sure looked like the Prince. He did become a room mate with someone else in the most expensive part of town. He claimed it would not be good to date and live together. I agreed and summer began with our dating.

He was so beautiful and in such exquisite shape, I kept a diary since day one. That diary helped a LOT when things began to go south in the autumn. All summer, the feeling of being with him was so wonderful, my second choice when he was not around--was to still live in the moment and be very detailed with my diary. He was actively in a profession I had retired from. So we had a lot in common.

Before my dissent and devaluation in “his book”—(before any gas lightening attempts began) by the end of summer I was on line searching for the only issue I felt I was having. He would sleep near me and go to the bathroom a few elongated periods in the middle of the night-but no sex. He would tease me relentlessly, such as dress and undress his gorgeous body very slowly and walk around with skimpy clothes, and even make sure I had to look over his entire half dressed body of an arch angel to watch a movie with him. This went on and on, but no real affection or move on me sexually. His comments “he adored me for my mind” and was “attracted to my mind” were plentiful.

So, I searched on line for; gay, emotionally unavailable (still hooked on a former lover) and "Christian" values...because perhaps....look the guy is 55 and I could not really buy the “values” argument by that age. I also searched ED because he was on enough meds to warrant ED for that age. THEN I came upon WITHHOLDING. Oh, my. He was “withholding” as a means to control me and the only way he felt he could control me. I am not bad looking myself and there is nothing else the guy has that I could really want. He knew that. So, they keep you “in check” by literally holding a golden carrot in your face. [According to him an 8 inch carrot, thick and uncut.] (I need therapy because I never got near that carrot.) Naturally he would lay in certain positions in the morning where I could see it was all true. But I acted as if I did not care because no advances were really being made at me and I am NOT going to beg a guy. Good for me I acted as if my morning coffee meant more. And I always abandoned him first in bed. But my instincts, before I read anything on the matter-- were the feelings of “sadisitic” torment, when it came to sex.

Oh, the migraines. He would act or flat out say many evenings like “this WAS the night” we were going to “do it” and then have a migraine. Dummy me (enabler of the highest order bought him a heating pad in the early stages of this game.) Cerebral Narcissists are famous for migraines prior to any real sex, as I read with my mouth dropped open. The migraine could be very real. The Cerebral Narc experiences great stress over the thought of being intimate and subsequently having emotions.

“Withholding,” led to a whole new class of concepts for me. Being, the “Cerebral Narcissist” weapon of choice. They feel sex is beneath them, would result in “emotions” and this they do not want. They tend to experience far better pleasure masturbating and this is what he was doing during extended bathroom breaks. Whatever it was, it seriously was one of the most demeaning feelings I have ever experienced. To feel not sexually attractive to a person who is pursing you as a partner can be mind blowing.

Beyond the torture of what the Cerebral Narcissist really has to offer, I was reading my future in other womens’ posts. I read how they felt “ruined” and it did not matter if they were with a narc for three months or three years. The feeling of being ruined is the feeling of being ruined. To me feeling “ruined” does not have a lot of levels.

Basically by the time he called with his first gaslighting attempt-the start of autumn (and it was a doozee) I was prepared to wallop him with his own medicine. I was prepared thanks to all the stories I read on the Narc Forums. Thanks to you ladies I was able to gas light him right back in the same exchange.

The Day I Got Him Good

We were planning a trip for four weeks to see his “mother” for three days and to see a concert while there. I was excited to get out of town for three days. We were growing closer than ever and I had seen no real devaluation from him yet. I did feel him getting closer may spawn an episode and I was correct. He was starting the word “love.” So, he calls a few days prior to this trip, (I had already bought new clothes for, and he knew I did)----and, out of nowhere and says “I do not think it is a good idea you go with me….” And “You would not like the concert anyway” and almost in the same sentence “I never said I wanted sex with you. If we were going to have sex we would have already done that” AND “I cannot return your calls every ten minutes.”

He had never talked to me like any of this prior. He was the one who called me ten times a day - except for that day. On the other hand, he had never heard me swear, be un-lady like or raise my voice. [I read to rage back if they start raging or gas lighting—and I read the only girl they may think they love is the one who hurts them..such as another narc or borderline.] So, if I had any chance with this guy…it was to demean him first. I could consider other options later. Sure I wanted to just die, that was his intent of this particular communication…what I did was take a deep breath and go wild.

I flipped out and told him “he was too old for me anyway” and “with fake hair” and I did not need some guy who was old with fake hair rejecting me sexually, and that yes, he did in fact tease me, and he was a liar—and that in five more years he would need a “walker” anyway--and I went on and on. I also added I could ruin him in the town I live in and told him that too! He had proudly introduced me to every friend he had (basically people who needed him for a pay check.) I was suppose to un-retire and join him and why this came up. I put a lot of hours in that one agreement.

He was not expecting this whole scenario! He expected me to beg and plead with him. He was expecting the typical woman on her knees in despair deal. He even called me back that same night to report he was “worried about me!” (I bet he was). I had never heard him claim to be worried about anything, ever. Then he calls the next day and says “We can have sex, I never said we would not.” Well, by this time, I just bought Lisa’s book and let him hang out to dry. I still miss his nuts self each and every minute of each and every day. It was exciting, being with his fake self.

Post the cancelled trip, we made up briefly – mainly by phone and e-mail…but I kept torturing him at this juncture. I would not let him sleep at my house and kept him at a distance. I told him I was dating other people. I acted happy. (This killed him-I was suppose to be suicidal by now.) But I knew the narcissist injury I cast at him a few weeks prior was so grave—he would be patient and do something to get me back for it. And the holidays were approaching. I was reading how my holidays were going to be if I kept him around. Narcissist despise the holidays because all attention is off them. Many get depressed because it is somewhat of a narc injury. Whatever pain he already tried to saturate me with in the autumn would be magnified if I kept him in my life around the holidays. On top of all that-a man is usually with the women he truly loves on Christmas and I already knew that would not be me, it would be his MOTHER! (That turned out to be very true in my case.)

He did report during this time, post cancelled trip -- via e-mail…“I am so depressed…I do not want to live anymore” (yeah right) and “I do not want to do anything but lay in bed” and so on. I ignored it all because that was supposed to be my fate not his. I just replied with projects I was working on and excited about. My project is reporting his suffering to you women in the narc rooms!! ) No, I did not tell him that.

I read through the forums, bought Lisa’s book, spent hours watching Sam Vaknin on YouTube (they are both awesome) and basically tried to replace time I thought about him-with therapy for me. I was hoping to wash myself of the whole hurtful deal before Thanksgiving, but it lingered on. Primarily because I was ALONE and I had allowed this guy to push any friends out of my life -- over the summer. But Sam Vaknin says (about taking a narc back) “Take him back as long as you know his only pleasure is only in your complete destruction.” So, there is always a price.

As I read through my diary, to compare notes with women on the forums-I noticed he had written an entry in it!!! He had found my diary early on in the relationship and wrote something great about himself in it. Basically he wrote that “This is where you EARNED him selecting you.”

So after I raged at him, the one time--I openly joined a dating site. Guess who joins right behind me-shocker that was. I did not realize they truly live on line. Then I got off that platform because I read it is the playground for narcissists and sociopaths. During these holidays I notice he is on my web sites all the time, and he knows I see the stats. Obvious he has not been able to find “supply girl 2,” most likely because of the holidays. You can bet if I caved in like he thought I would-he would be done with me by now.

Does it give me closure? Well, more than I ever would get if I let him end our story. I am happy I may possibly be able to set example to any woman who is with a Narc and has not been totally obliterated yet.

They WILL call. They WILL stay interested in you-if that is what you really want. Treat them like the total crap they are, ignore them just enough to want “supply” from you—but do not be at their beck and call--cancel their plans with you at the last moment…claim “I never said I loved you” or “I never really dated you” and so on. Be nice when you do it to, so they do not suspect a thing. It will perplex them and buy you time to try to heal and think about what you really want. Sadly I looked at the whole ordeal as this “One ego is not going to leave this room (relationship) alive and well. Will it be his ego or mine?)”

OK, I am about to buy Lisa’s other book, about moving forward.