I realize Narcs come in all shapes and sizes (each being equally shitty, in my opinion, but I digress..); however, I was wondering if any of your exNs also had active addictions working during your 'relationship?' Mine did: prescription drug abuse, as well as a wicked pot habit. Who knows: he could be a sex addict as well. There really is no telling how many women he slept with while he was with me. Awesome.
Anyways, now 13 days into NC (LONGEST STRETCH EVER!!! YAY!!), I see that he used even his addiction to manipulate me. At times, he would play the Vulnerable Drug Addict: "I know it is killing me. I have to stop." Heartfelt discussions ensued, yet nothing would change. Other times, he'd use it to scare me: "I take a shitload of xxxx. You know what that can do to a person," knowing that I was well-educated on the tendencies of his drugs of choice to cause psychotic episodes. He even said once "you know, I might already have hired a PI to follow you, bug your phone and computer...because you come in contact with people like that when you are into drugs." Sometimes, I just turned a blind eye, too. He liked me to be 'easy,' 'not a nag like my ex,' etc., bullshit, etc., and sometimes it wasn't worth the fight to me. I think he knew that his use and the accompanying culture went against EVERYTHING I stand for, so when I just ignored his habit, he knew this meant I was so low, so dead inside that I was totally under his control. I think this thrilled him, that he could knock me down so far as to forget my own code of ethics.
I can't believe I acted like that. Who was I?????
Now that I am gone, in his one WEAK hoover attempt, he tells me that he is getting treatment. Again, manipulation. He knows this will mess with my head. I never responded (and won't) but I am battling against reality (he has no intention of getting help and is saying this to hurt me/get a response) and CD (I'm so cold to ignore him in his time of need).
What I have come to is that his addiction has always and will always be HIS issue. Not mine. His drama has no place in my life since NC. Even if he gets clean, he will still be a Narc/Psychopath who treated me abhorrently for two years. He cannot use his addiction (a condition from which one can recover) to hide his all-encompassing disorder(s)...disorders that will cause him only to become more cruel and abusive over time.
I did go to Al-Anon meetings for a brief time last year when I started realizing that I was responding to him in a very codependent manner. (Understatement of the year. Ha.) I keep thinking about the Serenity Prayer and that, along with rediscovering self-respect, is helping me stay NC. I KNOW he cannot change and I cannot make any difference in this, drug addiction or not. I CAN make my life better and this should be my focus.
I'd be curious to hear your experiences and insights about narcs/addiction.
Thank you for 'listening.'