My Story Again
i have written before about my N and have posted and read this forum over and over again. I am still in the same place...believing that my N loves me.
After two years of his lies, his charms, his being with other women, NC then giving in, seeing a counselor, being totally confused, questioning what I really want from him, blah, blah, I believe it's time I face the truth. And let me say that I will be the first to say that I'm still not sure what that means, and that I am afraid. Afraid because I fear being alone and in the back of my mind I still have this nagging that he really does care.
1. The first time I slept with him, he told me he wasn't monogamous and didn't want me to get hurt.
2. Told me on the first date that he didn't drink. He drinks...a lot.
3. He's still married...separated for 5 years but still talks about going back to his wife.
4. Always telling me he's going to do these grand things with his life, yet they never materialize.
5. Let's me pay and plan for things we do because he never has money, yet he has a very good job.
6. Found out from an "old" supply that he was seeing her while he was seeing me. We even figured out that we probably passed each other on the road when she was leaving his house and I was arriving.
7. When she found out he was on a trip with me, he told her it was a trip for his job and I was just an old family friend.
8. Sexual activities became more and more rough...like he was testing me to see how far I would go.
9. The abandonment...sending charming text and emails, but not willing to see me for days or weeks, then when he would call me, his excuse was always that he was "in celibacy and trying to find himself. Or not answering my emails for days, until he's ready to see me.
10. Always sending me quotes from Rumi, Dali Lama, Buddha...meditation suggestions...never original thoughts....always from some source he'd read about or googled.
11. He is African Anerican and I am white, He only dates white women. Tells me that I am color blind, or that I put his life in danger when we are out in public because I'm white, that he resents the women in power at his job, blah, blah.
12. Seldom thanks me for gifts I give him or tells me he's not sure he'll keep them, yet does.
13. Always checking his phone and always tells me about other women and tells me about the activities he does with them.
14. Always telling me how wonderful I am, yet believes I should look for someone more worthy than him.
15. Wants me to take pictures of him, yet he has no,pictures of me and certainly none of us together.
16. If I post on his fb page, he'll delete it and swear he didn't mean to.
17. If he thinks I am ignoring him, he'll go crazy with emails or say If I don't answer, he'll come down to my house.
18. Never asks about my boys, yet I do things with his daughter and have given money to his son.
19. Tells me that he has a big ego and has books on Narcissists.
20.Tells me that he's never been in love.
21. Tells me that he watches porn all the time.
I could go on and on. I have given him every reason to be abusive because no matter what he does, if he calls, I go running to him.
Currently he is in the abandonment phase because we recently slept together. He sent me today the poem "Love After Love" which he has sent me several times. WTF does that mean. Yet still no mention about getting together soon.
I am a smart successful woman and am amazed that this man is all consuming. His charming ways are unbelievable. I spin, and spin, and spin. My friends have had it with me...they don't want to hear about him anymore.
Try as I might, even when I try to go about my healthy life as it was before I met him, he always creeps back into my thoughts.
It's my behavior, not his, that I need to change. I'll continue to read this forum. I need to get angry which isn't in my make-up, but I'm to the point where the humiliation is getting old.