The Myth of the Cool Girl

I haven;t seen the movie yet, but I read Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn this weekend, and I've read some critiques about her theory of the Cool Girl.

"Men always say that as the defining compliment, don't they? She's a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she's hosting the world's biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don't mind, I'm the Cool Girl.

"Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they're fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, co-workers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I'd want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who'd like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them."

For those of you who have read this novel or seen the movie, I just wonder what you think about this myth? It struck me while I was reading that there are several myths in this novel, and although the cool girl is the most clearly defined, the male character in the book also represents the "cool guy" and his mistress also represents the "OW" -- both living up to our media trained expectations in their behaviors.

It bothers me that we tend to define ourselves and analyze our actions and beliefs in relation to these types of myths. It bothers me that the media jumps on this type of story and influences public opinion -- virtually "trial by media" with their intrusive coverage of stories like this. I wonder how many mistakes I have made that could have been avoided if I had possessed a clearer, more realistic picture of what my life would be like, and who I should "be" as I grew up. I suppose I will never know the answer to these questions, but my speculation only increases the importance of my learning to set boundaries and live my life according to my own expectations and desires -- not those imposed on me by a significant other or my peer group.

I think this passage triggered me because it was so similar to an argument I had with an XN about sex. I told him that I found his constant inquiries about whether or not we were going to have what he called sex offensive and intrusive and coarse. I asked him where the fellow I had met when we first met had gone? The one who knew how to have a conversation and court me, and do the things that put me in the mood for sex. The one who had promised he would never cheat on me? The one who said he respected and valued women? The one who agreed with me about "other" men's actions being indicative that they were "jerks". He counter argued that "all" the "other women he had known and been with" found his approach and actual actions to be "very sexy" and they "enjoyed" pleasing him. I asked him why he had not stayed with any of these women, if they suited him so much better than I did? He told me it was because he loved me, and thought he could "teach me to be happy" if I would just follow his lead. We could be happy and have a wonderful future, if I would just be more compliant.

I know that several of you who have evolved may be having a strong desire to throw up about now -- but I really did have this conversation. It amazes me that I even listened to his BS, now, but at the time I suppose I was still trying to figure out how to "fix" the relationship and get back the man I had fallen in love with. When this type of memory is triggered, I reflect upon how far I have come on my journey back to sanity. I am so happy that I was able to endure and survive and pull myself out of this type of relationship. I don't know if I will be able to become involved with anyone in the future -- but I do know that if I have to choose between being a "Cool Girl" or being myself, I have absolutely no hesitation. I have peace and dignity and choice in my life now, and I wouldn't give those up for anything.

I look forward to reading any comments or opinions -- I hope that you all can use a post like this to help you analyze the influences that led you into a relationship with an N, and what your are doing to combat those influences. I am so happy to know so many strong women and men found their way to this forum, and that they have redefined what is "cool" in my opinion. It is great to have a place where you can safely examine what has happened to you, and why, and find help to deal with the changes you need to make to move forward. That is really cool!!!