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My Update: 4 days NC and praying for strength to continue

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#1 Nov 17 - 1PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My Update: 4 days NC and praying for strength to continue

I fell hard after 5 months of the strongest NC I had ever embarked on. My N started pursuing/hoovering relentlessly a month ago- my therapist called him "Heroin on legs" ..and the addict in me caved.

I felt so good a month ago- resisting his advances and staying close to this forum. I had dignity and resolve and I have to admit- my ego felt damn good seeing him beg.

and now- after the relapse- I realize there is NO WAY I can ever ever win, get ahead, remain dignified with any contact with him. Even when I set the ground rules- which I did in this latest reconnection- my little girl inside still loses..it is absolutely fucking inevitable that I will feel pain when I allow him anywhere near me.

I am in a lot of pain this week..I feel so bad that I fell again. I really thought these last 5 months were going to continue and that FINALLY I would be free of this sickness in my life.

I am pulling myself up ever so slowly...I feel sick, deflated, lonely, angry, fucking angry actually....and very very sad that I hurt my precious heart again.

I have no plans for Thanksgiving. No one has invited me anywhere and that makes me sad too. I think everyone just assumes I have somewhere to be..He will be with one of his many fans..I have to find a place to go that I will feel loved and appreciated. Any ideas?

For those of you who think you can have sex with the N..or that you can set the rules for contact and be okay- I am telling you - this dynamic is much much deeper than that for most of us- it is a psyche connection that is based on wounding- trauma bonding- and there is NEVER a good outcome to contact...Never.

I am staying close to this forum every day..Praying for strength to keep going and never allow my heart to believe a single word he says.

Nov 23 - 3AM
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You'll Get There

I got there...I don't care if he's single, in a relationship, married or dead. I've been 2 + months without contact...we've gone this long before...and the holidays are looming, so I expect him to rear his narc head soon...that and I'm going to a tournament on the east coast in mid February...it's widely known I'll be attending...that will be another chance for him to "show up"...that tournament has significance for both of us, so I wouldn't put it past him. I am totally ambivalent to him at this point and if I ran into him, I know in my heart, I would feel nothing...no butterflies...just cold. I think you have some work left ahead of you, but you're definitely getting there! Stay in the fight! :D
Nov 22 - 11AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

SFH Hope you are still NC; You can do it!!!

Hope you are still NC. We have not heard from you in a couple of days and you are in our thoughts and prayers to remain strong with your NC. God bless, Goldie
Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

9 days NC and feeling less foggy and more resolute

Thank you to all for holding me in this time of relapse. I am determined to not fall again. One day at a time.
Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
Used
Used's picture

strivingforhealing

YES, ONE DAY AT A TIME.....if need be one hour at a time....it doesnt matter as long as we do it...well done for 9daysxxx
Nov 18 - 12AM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you all.. Pain and Strength filled my day today

Gut wrenching old old pain today- on my walk- crying and wailing and gagging. I know this pain is old pain- the pain of trauma from long ago and the Narc is just the latest trigger. I have not called him. he has not called me. I am getting stronger reading all these posts- the fog is lifting....but I am still in a very fragile place- wanting him to call so I can reject him- you know that ego filled place since they took so much from us. This will pass I know. But when he does hoover again and he will - I need to have an army of wisdom behind me- with arrows ready to pierce him if he tries to penetrate my heart. What this means is NC, NC, NC. God, this is the hardest thing I have ever faced. ever
Nov 17 - 5PM
Winter
Winter's picture

SFH

I am so glad you took this decision! I caved last year after 7 months NC. Now slowly approaching the mark of 6 months. It feels so different! You don't have to think that it will be as difficult as last time. What you learnt is not lost. I believe you can recover from this last contact much faster. Again, you are stronger now, I know! Love Winter
Nov 17 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

It feels bad now but I think

It feels bad now but I think you needed that dose of reality.. You'll be ok.. I made contact 6 months in.. It was a set back but in a few days I bounced back and you will too!! Now you know.. You really know!! Hunter
Nov 17 - 3PM
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Loved your post, why? Because

Loved your post, why? Because I went back for the second time aftet 4 months of NOT seeing him, just for sex. It worked for a while, but now it doesn't. I wish we really could show some who are caving- how NOT worth it, any of it is. I'm out and been perfectly fine! So don't worry. As far as you go, don't beat yourself up too much for going back after 5 months- you learned a lot didn't you? You learned that you cannot and will not ever change them and it'll always be the same. So Please... don't beat yourself up anymore... look at it as a learning experience. It's been 4 hard days & it will be 4 hard days the next 4 days, but you gotta do it. You don't really have any other choice. If you want to remain sane & normal & stress free it needs to be done? Ya know? You've done it before and YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN! Good luck! Stay close to the site! Stay Strong!! Remember what you just told us all "it's more complex than we think" XOXOX! Keep your head up!
Nov 17 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Striving, I am sending out

the prayers and good vibes too. I know you can do this. You have learned a lot and have gotten stronger. You will feel so happy once you push through it. I am proud of you for not falling completely into the rabbit hole. I am proud of you for choosing yourself first! As for Thanksgiving...that's a tough one. I have a family obligation, but a friend of mine from the study group I'm in is single and his family lives across the country, so he decided to help serve the Thanksgiving meal at the soup kitchen in a city near where he lives. I thought that was kind of a nice way to deal with the situation...maybe you could think about that? It might lift you up a little. Hugs to you, Striving. Keep striving. You will get there. Sincerely, (not) spinning. AND VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT!

spinning