my therapist scared me a little today

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#1 Jul 20 - 8PM

Happy1

my therapist scared me a little today

My therapist started talking with me about the detox process and how I need to refocus now on healing and less on what he did to me and how I feel about him. She knows my focus and thoughts are still 100% on him every day/all day even though I'm NC. She mentioned that playing music and reading a lot will take my thoughts away from him. She also told me that watching TV can also contribute to my depression and to have it on less.
What really worried me is she said that this is an addiction and it's a long journey, but if I don't replace thoughts of him with other activities I could be infatuated with thinking about him always. That freaked me out. Do any of you feel like you're still thinking of your N the same even though you have been out for along period of time? Do you get to a place where you don't think of him? It scared me and I don't want to think of my N forever. This is not right when he doesn't give me a thought the day after break up. How sucky is that?

#2 Jul 21 - 4PM

imabloke

Keep yourself busy...

Hi Happy I have said before about thinking about you're ex partner in my case her! (ex now with the boss!) I have found that by keeping yourself busy helps... In my case i work loads and hard. Also i have my children to think about, holidays etc. and start to fill your life up with YOUR 'stuff' soon you won't have time to think about HIM. And when you do you'll eventually think 'why did he pop into my head' and dismiss it. With NC your feelings for him will become memories and then distant memories. If i think about old flames they are old flames and mean very little to me. For you now its ME time. Hope this helps.

#3 Jul 21 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

Happy1

Thanks imabloke! It does

Thanks imabloke! It does help to hear and I hope I learn things to fill my life now that I enjoy. I gave him too much of myself and now have to figure out what I like to do and what I need to do to be happy. It's a hard journey when I feel like I have been a zombie for 2 years. I agree with you that over time my feelings will change. I will continue NC and it helps that I don't see him. I have to learn to like ME time and not be lonely. Thanks! Happy1

#4 Jul 21 - 2PM

Steph

I am almost 8 months no

I am almost 8 months no contact, and yes, I still think of him more than I would like:( However, I think of it differently than previous....I most times think of him as bad and he abused me and it wasn't my fault....whereas before my thoughts were I miss him, this is my fault. I guess that's progress? lol Sometimes now, I have brief periods where he is not on my mind. I agree with the post below that these thoughts become habit. And girlfriday...i love your term "brain vomit" lol 2 weeks is fabulous, but still very early. Don't expect your mind to be free of him this soon. You are doing SO well. Hang in there:)

#5 Jul 21 - 10AM

wholeagain

It gets better

I'm a year or so NC and while I'm still processing stuff I find I don't think about him all that much anymore. The first six months or so my therapist had to constantly help me refocus on myself. When I went to a therapist 10 years ago, he could never get me to do that--I couldn't even figure out what he was driving at--so I suppose at that time I just wasn't ready. I like your therapist's advice about reading especially, it's helped me tremendously. It does take conscious effort at first. I think you're doing great, and two weeks NC is something to be very proud of.

#6 Jul 21 - 3AM

Scoop

Heres the thing with the

Heres the thing with the obssessve thought , the will stop when they are ready to stop , this is what i think anyway , im 5 months no contact and there have been a steady decline , they became a lot less for me when i centered on one though not two, ie "he is good, he is bad" , when i centered on "he is bad " then it became alot easyer. I hate to tell you that there is no way you are not going to have these thought at 2 weeks no contact its just too soon , keep reading about the condition as it helps so much , it is the key to stop the thoughts i think . I can tell you that in a few weeks there will be "normal " moments for you and they become more frequent . The only way i delt with them was to just tell myself its all part of the healing , its my brains way of prossecing the shock and trauma and due to sharing with others on here i had faith they would go away , and they do . Read all you can .. big love Scoop x

#7 Jul 21 - 2AM

girlfriday

Good therapist

Sounds like you found a good therapist who gets it. She is right. We are creatures of habit, and thinking/obsessing about the Narc is now a bad habit that has to be broken. It ain't easy! Once I went through the worst part of my healing process, I discovered a new creative passion. This was a G-dsend!! Our brains cannot deeply focus on two things at once, so because I became intensely focused on my new creative outlet, he wasn't taking up as much real-estate in my brain. But be aware that during the detox process, I believe you will naturally think about him a lot as you are probably having flashbacks, or as I like to call it, "brain vomit" (TM?) that come into your head the way a detoxing heroin addict pukes up the toxins. I know that every time I would get away, this would happen. Bad memories would just pop up like waves of...brain vomit. So, as I like to say, don't beat yourself up for the thoughts. As Lisa says, get it out... They have to come up and come out. But at some point you will have to make that conscious choice to stop ruminating. So listen to your therapist, give yourself some time for the healing process to occur, and if you can swing it...find a new creative passion.

#8 Jul 21 - 12AM

enoughalready

happy1

It sure felt like an addiction. The constant thoughts of him will decrease. It took me a few months or so of total NC. I blocked everything that had to do w/ him. Like an alcoholic I went cold turkey. Threw away everything that reminded me of him, threw most of my clothes he liked, cancelled the gym membership, and have stopped going to same places he visits. I read a lot, work-out, spend quality time w/ family and friends , got a new hairstyle and changed my wardrobe. life will get better and thoughts-free of him sooner than you think. I told myself I wasted 5 yrs w/ him and I was not going to waste more time thinking of him when all he did was cheat and lie behind my back. X0X0

#9 Jul 20 - 8PM

Leah2

Happy1

Hi Happy1, It has been a few days since I posted, and I am so glad for your thread. I am completely with you; it is five months since he left, and my mind is almost always on him. Things are getting fuzzy, so it is not like I see his face as much now--but I know that I am constantly distracted and feel incredibly empty. I am scared that this will last forever I am also--sick as it may sound--I think scared of letting him go. So many people on this forum have made it clear to me that he is an N and/or a P, which is scary. I know that I was scared when his eyes went blank. Yet I still can not let go. I still feel incomplete after about 6 weeks of therapy. There are days like today when I feel like I am not "present" at all. I am now going to switch to a psychiatrist because I am worried about how I feel, the lack of sleep, the constant mind-shifting-towards-him. So, you are not alone. I am there and also scared for multiple reasons. Take care. Leah2

#10 Jul 20 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

Happy1

Leah2

Hi Leah! I'm not sure what your therapist has told you, but mine told me today that I need to shift my thoughts as soon as I catch myself wondering what he is doing. I have to force myself to think of me and what I'm doing and what I'm doing next. She said to fill my day just as Ninjagirl has been telling me. She wants me to play more music instead of TV and to read more. I have music on right now and doing my best this evening to not wonder about him. I hope the psychiatrist can help you more than your therapist has. I know I don't want to be obsessed with my N for the rest of my life. I don't want to think of him now so I guess I have to do my hardest to reprogram my thoughts. I hope you start feeling better soon! Happy1

#11 Jul 21 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

Lisa E. Scott

Happy1

You are doing the right thing by shifting your thoughts to something else. It is critical for you to do this when you find yourself wanting to think about him. We can re-train our brain so no, you will not obsess about him forever. Not at all, especially if you start working on it now. We will have some tools, in addition to the switch/replace method that you describe here, in the future to help you manage obsessive thoughts. That info. will be forthcoming shortly. For now, when you find yourself thinking about him, stop yourself, switch the topic and replace it with a more positive thought. It really does work. Practice makes perfect, though! xoxo

#12 Jul 21 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

Briseis

You got a wake up call.

You got a wake up call. Good therapist! Here's the deal. Your biggest problem right now is not HIM. It is you. Thank god for that! Because you can fix YOU :) You have all the power in the world at your fingertips to fix you :) If you only knew how fortunate and lucky you are to have dodged this bullet, that you didn't marry him, have children with him . . . It doesn't sound (at least in what you are saying in your posts) that you have much of a life outside thinking about him. You do say "100%". I don't believe this, you must eat and go potty :D . Or work, take care of pets or plants or pay bills. You need a LIFE. LOL!! You already have one, of course, it just got co-opted by this narc. That you gave up your life so easily is what YOU did, and that is far more damaging than anything he ever did to you. The first steps are to deliberately knock aside thoughts about him. He is such a loser anyway. He is a disease that infected you. It takes practise, and is very hard at first. But each single time you knock aside a thought about him (and replace it with another) you get that much stronger. In a week or two, you will notice! But you have to deliberately do it. No therapist can just take it away. You have to do the work. It is very good work, too :) You have no idea the strength and maturity you will find in yourself if you just keep on keeping on. You will stop obsessing about him, I promise :) You've broken habits before, I'm sure. Habits are like addictions to behaviors. You can break this one too. Yes, it will be just as hard as all those other habits you broke. And as time goes on, you will clear up mentally and emotionally. It will get easier and easier, until you are on this forum telling the ladies who still struggle what we're all telling you :) Yep, count on it, this is where you are going!

#13 Jul 21 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

Happy1

Thank you! I feel very

Thank you! I feel very fortunate that I didn't marry or have children with my Narc. I guess the only reason I enjoyed it so much is because I liked feeling like we were a family. I must have been really desperate I guess. I need to realize that my son and I are family and I don't need a man to complete my family. I guess that is how I was raised though. You need to be married to be a family with children. I have to rethink everything now and I definitely need to get my focus off such a loser. I think I did okay for a good part of today. I still miss him and I can't say I don't hope to hear from him. I'm lucky he's not contacting me. I'm very fortunate because I feel weak sometimes. I know I will be strong enough to not contact him first though. It really helps to hear what you guys have gone through and where you are now with thinking of your N's. It's a tremendous help. Thank you!

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