My theory on why we jump straight in to the honeymoon period

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#1 Oct 6 - 6PM
hooklineandsinker
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My theory on why we jump straight in to the honeymoon period

Now I know there are some people on here who really took their time and did due diligence/KYC in as far as they could before they got involved (holla at ya, Morty!) but most of us just fell hook, line and sinker (see what I did there?! :) for the love-bombing phase.

My belief is that it resonated with us because deep down we KNOW we are gems of women, queens who DESERVE to be loved and adored and treated like gold, so when these guys come along and immediately start doing that, it's like we've finally met someone who's reflecting back to us all of our sterling qualities, all of our true beliefs about ourselves underneath all the day to day crap we all have to deal with, and is totally recognising those qualities and appreciating them in us.

That's what it felt like for me, anyway. I've been told by other (sane) men that I'm a great GF, and when I met the ex, it was like "Finally! someone who truly gets how great I am!" (beginning to sound like a narc myself now, lol) so for that reason I didn't question the whole honeymoon and love-bombing phase. I simply took it as my (long overdue - like, try ten years overdue) entitlement.

When he was dumping me, I just kept repeating "But I haven't changed! I'm the same girl you were so crazy about just a few months ago!" I literally couldn't comprehend how someone could do such a total 180 in such a short time, especially when I (IMHO!) was still just as great as he kept saying I was in the early days, and in fact in any normal relationship, that should have started to mature into really deep love and attachment 8 months in. But no. My brain was just so totally fried and still is, on some days.

Oct 7 - 8PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I didn't think I was much of

I didn't think I was much of a queen or gem. I really didn't. I was just grateful this amazing man seemed to want ME. What he mirrored back to me, those first few weeks, was what I'd been longing for my whole life. To be so powerfully attractive, alluring, mind numbingly sexy and desirable. I WANTED to be a queen, and all of the above. But I didn't believe I was. I wanted what I saw in his eyes. I got addicted to that :( And I tried for seven more years to get that back. My Queendom, I guess. I still don't think I'm "all that". But I admit to myself that secretly, I longed to BE all that to another human being. And that was what made me vulnerable. A person with solid self esteem won't give themselves away so quickly. Any more than they'd drop 100K so quickly. Any more than they'd toss their toddler off on some baby sitter just because she thinks the child is so cute. You see yourself as precious and valuable, and you HOLD BACK until you are sure you are safe. You don't fall for flattery and charm, you want SUBSTANCE and truth. If a guy dared come at me with flattery and charm, I'd be offended nowadays. And that's how I know I'm pretty much Narc proof. Hell, if anyone came at me like that I'd step back and get suspicious.
Oct 7 - 6PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Amen

Well said....this is exactly how I felt and what I went through too!
Oct 6 - 8PM
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Thanks But I Didn't Really Do the Best Due Diligence

HLS - even though I knew him for a long time, I became so wrapped up in wanting a relationship with him when the love-bombing started that I completely ignored my intution and put aside my concerns I had about the red flags I had seen for years. Keep in mind that during the those years building up to the relationship, I had no idea whether or not he was interested in me in a sexual way - he never let on that he was until it became in his best interest to do so. He worked me into a slow lather for 18 months from a distance (while he D&Dd his wife) so I didn't really think much about the red flags or even about the possibility of a relationship honestly. I was interested but he just wasn't a part of my day to day life to make it anything much more than a passing fancy. It wasn't until he came back to work and saw me as a powerful, in-charge manager (who he wanted to be but wasn't capable) that he started the strong seduction. And at that point, any 'due diligence' I had done was completely thrown out the window because of the other painful things I had expereinced while he was out of my day to day life. The best advice I can give myself and others is to truly do your due diligence and TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. Where there's smoke there is fire. And my goal is to never get burned again.
Oct 6 - 8PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

And I can't help but think

And you expressed it also...how through all this projection and reflecting they do, and despite THEIR labels that we are bi-polar, borderline whatever...that we even begin to wonder and become very self-conscious about whether or not WE are the NARCS!...SMH... Of course, if we were, we wouldn't be questioning ANY of this, but still...to be so mindscrewed to wonder...I have to hand it to them...they are masters... Chin Up...