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My tears mean nothing..

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#1 Sep 4 - 5PM
ewa
ewa's picture

My tears mean nothing..

I was not writing on this forum for longer time now. That's because i was feeling better and i tried to avoid to think about N an Narcissism in general. And imagine 2 days ago i thought to myself: "Oh I do not think of him anymore, maybe not anymore but so rarely..", I was amazed..I felt so good. And now 2 days later he came into my thoughts again..LOL...I want to be free!!!! I want to be free of thinking of him!!!
I feel like telling him: Dear N , how is it possible that to people who said to each other that they love each other so much are now separated? Are now so far away from each other?
It will be 8 full months gone since I have moved out from him. He has an OW. And YES I do know the answer to my question. The answer is he has never loved me, he never loved anybody and will never love anyone in his life. He is a N. And N is not capable of feelings like love..
Well, I had a feeling to ask him this questions on email, but i thought is better to stay NC and write here, on forum rather then making full of myself in front of him again.
I loved only once deeply and truly ..and why it must have been you N?

Sep 4 - 5PM
Leah2
Leah2's picture

Ewa...you are not alone in your feelings...

I fee;l just the same. Was starting to feel stronger, and actually did not log on to the site for several weeks (first was on holiday, then moved apartments, then started feeling better so wanted to stay with my own thoughts), but just today I started feeling awful again. The anxiety has come back. For me it is exactly 7 months since he walked out on the marriage and said he was getting a divorce. It is as if the shock comes and goes. I was in shock for the first 5 months or so. Then better for some weeks. Now, just like you, I am struggling with the question of how someone could do what he did? How a love that seemed so rare magical to me and o everyone who saw us together for five years can also just magically disappear? How he could move on to another woman when he swore that I was the love of his life? How people can lie (I have no idea what is true or lies now, when he started lying, as I believed everything he said......including that there was no OW. I have NO idea when she came into the picture! Before he left me? After? How a man can treat you as if you are nothing from one day to the next, including when you tell him about a miscarriage?). Strangely, I am not thinking of them together, but of what I have lost. Does that make sense? Ridiculous as we know that these men are not loving or trustworthy, but some part of our brains are stuck in the loving feeling that they gave us. Like we just do not want to let go. Sorry to get into my own pain, but what I wanted to say is that you are not alone my dear. Sadly, I am with you this weekend. I really do not know when the feelings get better, I mean fully better. I do not know when we (or at least I) will feel whole again, because on these bad days life feels without meaning. And that is an awful feeling, as it means that at least my (and maybe you?) self-worth has been destroyed by a single person who is not even human. Please do not call him. I have realised that I mean nothing to my exH. When I called him some weeks ago, he told me that he was with someone else and that was too painful to hear.
Sep 4 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
ewa
ewa's picture

Leah2

Leah2, I am really sorry that you have to go through the same i do. I would rather wished to be alone here. But i know is not only me and you..there is unfortunately so many of us on this forum. I have this feeling i have 2 parts of my brain: one is the logical one, good one and the other is stupid one, which is like you have said "stuck". I hate the other one. I want to take it off out of my head ...grrr what is wrong with me? Leah this woman your exH is now, she means nothing for him, the same like you did and the same like everybody will. I do not know if this cheers you up. You can be sure..she means nothing to him. I observe my exN and i know that he already "cheats" his OW. Also on his facebook is written "Single" and "Looking for relationship" , just because she is not among his friends. Well, yes i know it helps for a while to think like this ...but the truth is we have lost the time, we have given so much feelings, we have planned our life with them ...and we have ended with nothing, or even worse: with big pain in our hearts. I will not call him: I have removed his number an fortunately i do not remember it!