My Story StrongasDandelion

Hie everyone.
I have learned so much after 2 months NC and starting to realize I will and must get threw this heartbreake.
I havent started to share my story yet, and today I think it has something to do with the fog and confusion from the past two years. I also feel shame to not leave sooner, I should have known better.
It is difficult still to really understand it all.

I loved him, if he had been the human he first acted like I would never have ended this. It feels very sad still, but I am wakeing up.
I have known Narcs before too, but first now I learn about their simultarities even also some different.
I didnt know it is called narcissism, I feel stupid for not knowing about N ..Why didnt I lecture myself earlier, anyway I didnt.. just went threw 2 difficult relationships and took the pain… studyed and worked and took care of my kids.. but now when I finally found this site I cant help but feeling like Im an idiot for not knownig.
It was my theraphist that first asked why I still stayed with the now X, and that the x acted like a N/P – then I found this forum here- and it has been mindblowing and extreemly helpful for me, I read and read and see my issues more clearly back to my N father.

I started theraphy 4 years ago and it has been helpful like getting to know words on things, but I dont have any diagnose other than meeting the wall back then, coping with too much.

Anyway.. I had a quiet fine life had been liveing alone ten years and didnt need another man when my ex entered and charmed me right off my feet.
Charm , wordartistery, intence eyes, laughter, flattery and much lovebombing – mostly om text. The sex was weird and not too intimate, pluss ED - but I thought it would deepend.. I loved toutching him, but felt like he didnt like toutching me other than holding hands.
He showed me like a throphy to his friends, exes (triangulation), and family.
He flattered me much with words, but it felt more and more like a illution and when he advised his married friends to divorce and rather date their partners –I knew we would not og far.
In the end I felt like a object in everyway.
When he started to talk about other women , ogling or triangulate all the time I confronted him about it.
Then he wouldnt stop it, saying I was insecure and jelaous and he went home with me and should be glad.
I continjued that it was not ok to –and said it was hurtful and disrespectful.
He enjoyed trying to breake my boundaries.. in the end he said : ”If I just keep on trying you will give in”
Not true, I dont want swinging or swapping or anyone else –I just wanted him.

So much to write but what I would like to ask all here :
**Has the N you knewed ever accused you for makeing them walking on eggshells???

My ex one day started to say that, since I asked him about his doings/
if I took up anything –of his behaviour that made me worried or sad, like makeing me look on other woman on his fbook page he thought had nice boobs ( puke he is middelaged and talk like this) ..he could say while smiling – look look at her –NICE boobs!
He thought it was funny I think, ..or when I after a party where he left me alone with his friend –running himself after another woman.. on our way home I commented it was hurtful and he said : Yeah imagine me takeing her from behind!
My God what a asshole, but still when he said he felt like walking on eggshells- it was very confusing, I never heard that word before!

I did leave him sometimes as a direct result of him acting disrespectful and ignorant.. but I couldnt bare the ST.. and then I got back.
He was always fine in the ST periods.. he told me early on : "I dont love in vain” –So I think he absolutely just forgets anyone that doesnt serve him or confront him.
Last email he said he had loved me, but his love did not have the attribute to make me feel safe or trust him ( true ) .. he also as a friend suggested I should seek help for my insecurity. ( That is the kind of crazymaking my father used on his women when confronted.. sugessted they seek therapy )
My theraphist just laughed when I told him what the ex wrote and said : Did he write that! Like YOU havent done exacly that!!

Anyway.. this time I am NC – and I will not og back to illution.
So maybe he did feel like walking on eggshells, since I did confront him or ask him about his behaviour…(Maybe his ex said something like that to him.)
He also wrote he needed a generous woman that let him live the life he had.
ALL about HIM.

Thank you all for being here.