My Story Ria
My Story Ria
I met my husband a little over two years after my divorce from my 1st husband. My 1st husband I had met shortly after my Dad died and I was very vulnerable. He was an easy narcissist to spot if you knew what to look out for. He was loud, vain and an authority on any subject. Even if he knew nothing about that subject. If you dared to challenge him he would get incredibly angry. He quit his job two months before we got married. I was twenty-four. He was thirty-five. The five years we were married he never would go back to work. During that time he would belittle me, my family and my friends. It got to where it was easier to stay away from all of them to avoid his verbal wrath. When I would try to talk to him about my concerns he would turn it into a lecture. Sex with him was like being raped at least five times a week. Physically and emotionally. Somehow without the blessed internet I still held on to a speck of self worth and got out of that marriage. I had to move 1,200 miles away to do it but I did and was excited and optimistic about my future.
So here I am now. Twenty years later and am humiliated, ashamed and so angry at myself to think that I have done it again. This is where I would like some feedback. I have written a lot but please read through and let me know your thoughts as to whether you see the signs that I think I do. Even though my family voiced their concerns to me early on. Especially my Mom whom I was very close with, I was absolutely convinced that the new man in my life was nothing like the monster I was married to. We were set up by mutual friends. From the moment I looked into his big blue eyes I was hooked. We went out for
coffee and talked for several hours. We had very similar values and views. He was so smart too! It was so refreshing for me. I used to say that it was so nice to find a man that was confident and not cocky. He had a very good job. He would write me poetry...something no guy had ever done for me before. He was so tender and sweet all the time. He would give me adorable nicknames. My favorite was, "precious
cargo" that he deemed me on our first road trip together.( I haven't heard that nickname in a decade) I felt like I had hit the Love lottery.
There were some things that people would say or I would feel during these first few years. He pursuaded me to join his companies softball team. I ended up really liking it. Several of his peers and employees would come up to me and say,"wow, we are so glad he met you! He is like a different person with you around. We didnt know that
e could be so much fun" I was shocked. I had only ever known him as this wonderful sweet and funny man. When I shared with him what I was told he didnt look too surprised and even told me that every time he had his review at work he would score high marks with the exception of how he talked to his employees. He often spoke with disdain about the human resource manager.
I had owned my own home when we met. He lived in a sparcely furnished apartment with an ancient water bed and a broken down dining room set. Within six months he moved in with me and had assumed control (that I willingly handed over to him)of our finances. My mom had been living with me for a few months prior to that too. I was so happy. Within another six months my mom moved out and up north to be near her sister. I only recently found out that she moved away because he made her very uneasy and I was not heeding any of her warnings. I thought my Mom was just being overly cautious for me because she didnt want to see me make another mistake.
However I was just so in love that other peoples concerns didnt seem to be mine. Its because of current events that I am taking an honest look back and asking myself some tough questions. Early on, in between of course saying that I was the best thing to ever happen to him, he would be critical of my hair color and hair style. He would call me " helmet head" but do it with a smile so it was endearing? He would go on and on about how good I would look as a red head even though I had been blonde my whole life. So wanting to make him happy I did it and convinced myself I liked it even though everyone but him later told me they hated it on me. He would be critical of my level of fitness even though I was a size 4. He loved to go shopping with me and had strong opinions onnwhat clothing i should buy. I was flattered at firstnthat he took such an interest, then annoyed and finally just gave in and gave him the title of "my personal stylist" which he loved. Little statements or "digs" would be said but I just brushed it off as me being too sensitive. Sometimes days would go by before I would reflect on a conversation and realize how hurt I was. Due to some personal issues that I am working on for myself I have been made aware that I cope with hurt and anger by instantly and almost always subconsciously pushing those feelings down so I just dont feel them until they start to overflow.
It started getting really bad when I decided I wanted to open a business in a profession that I had spent my whole life in. He was instumental in developing the business plan to get the final funds needed from the bank. He actually thrives when anyone hands total control over to him. Two years into the business he decided that he needed to quit his job and work full time on the business with me. I work at our store on average 50 hours a week. He works out of the home paying the bills, doing marketing and has been working on our website for over 10 years and it is still awful. When I press him on it he just sighs and stares at me like I have no idea what a big project it is. I understand but come on..10 years?. Over the next few years his constant critique of my business accumen and management style just wore me down. I felt like a fraud and a failure. When I would come to him in tears telling him that I didnt even see my purpose in the business anymore he would hold me and tell me that the business would be nothing without me. He would build me back up just to tear me down days or weeks later. If there wasnt anything major to critique then he would open up a cupboard and complain about the dust.
With all this I feel it important to share that he has NEVER open mouth kissed me. I tried several times early on to kiss him. He would barely put the tip of his tongue in my mouth and the just give me little pecks on the cheek and neck. I stopped trying within the first year. I figured it was a small sacrifice to have such a wonderful man in so many other areas. For over 10 years our sex life has been practically non existent. It seems the only time we would have sex was in the shower and he would never face me. More often than not he either couldnt keep an erection or when he could he wouldnt climax. Again I felt it was me. It almost felt that even though he was reassuring me that it wasnt me he was taking some weird satisfaction in me thinking that it was. During this time too I took note that he would never pay me a compliment. Over the last two years I would even test him. If he was wearing something that I thought he looked really nice in I would say, "hey, you look great in that shirt, very sexy" I would be dressed up too but he would just preen and look at himself in the mirror and say,"yeah? You think so, thanks" I would wait and see if he would have something nice to say to me but....nothing. I almost started to be amused by this.
About four months ago I discovered that he was watching porn nearly every single day. I felt like I was punched in the gut. Im not a prude. I have four brothers. But the frequency that he was watching this made me feel like he might as well have been having an affair. Several times I would even wake up in the middle of the night and he would be lying next to me in bed watching it and masturbating while he thought i was asleep. A stronger more confident woman would have called him out right there. Again due to my own issues I am still working on being that kind of woman. It took me weeks to decide to confront him. I had to write it out because I have a terrible time expressing myself to him. He calmly watched me as I read my letter to him. He didnt deny any of it and apologized for hurting me. Then he tried to explain to me that all of his previois girlfriends would watch it with him and if I would have just said something sooner he would have stopped sooner.
I told him that he must agree to counseling and he didnt put up a fight. I scheduled the appointments and he has been to two of them. After our second appointment he questioned me for probably the 6th time as to why we needed to go. All we needed to do was talk to each other. I told him that I need help in opening up to him because he has a tendancy to twist my words and confuse me. I tried to explain how important it was to me and that I felt it was so important that if he didnt agree then I was ready to see a lawyer. I will say that the only time I have ever seen him loose his temper with me was in counseling and when I told him about divorce as an option.
I have continued therapy. He has not gone back with me since early December. Since then I have found and joined this website, I am pretty convinced he is a narcissist as well as having some obsessive compuslive issues. There is so much more that I have not written. He doesn't loose his temper outwardly like my ex but I can see his "rage?" when he sighs. He admits he has a very low tolerance for people in general and calls me his barometer. I am a constant buffer betwen him and our employees. Our friends don't like to go out with us anymore because they are so uncomfortable with his silence. I prefer to go to events by myself now because before we even leave he will state, "we dont have to stay long, do we?"
Just a few other things to describe my husband...
- he admits to not feeling any empathy for others
- when he shops it has to be the best and or the most expensive
- he gets a new expensive car every three years. This year he "settled" for a $60,000 truck (wouldnt bother me if he wasnt always talking about needing to sell more and spend less. Especially since I am the one at the store every day. He has the luxury of working from home. He golfs two to three times a week. Goes to the driving range for a couple of hours every day and complains when he if isnt able to do either of those things.
- it makes him angry if he is playing a team sport and he believes others aren't "giving it their all"
- if he makes what he considers to be a bad golf shot and a less experienced player says, "nice shot" he won't even acknowledge the comment because he cant believe that someone could make such an ignorant comment. I have often had to assure others that he was actually enjoying himself. He is just an intense player.
-he has borderline disdain for overweight people.
- if he is asked for help by me or anyone for practically anything just stand back and let him do it because he will just get exasperated with you because nobody can do it as good as he can.
All that being said, he has many wonderful qualities and he has been really making an effort. He has professed that he doesn't see why he couldnt become a nicer guy. He has been showering me with compliments. He has tried to kiss me but it just feels so unnatural that I dont even want to press that issue. He is admittedly walking on egg shells around me. Should it be that hard to be a nicer person? Am I a fool for thinking this "nicer" him will last?
I appreciate insight from any of you. I felt an instant connection to many of you on this site. It is comforting to not feel so alone. So thank you for reading my story.
Sounds to me like he's got it
Thanks for your reply:)
Welcome, sorry you are going
Thanks so much for your
French kiss phobia
I love Free From Jails name
Sounds like my ex
Same story with N