My Story-My Narc is My Ex, and My Boss

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#1 Oct 28 - 11AM
faith2014
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My Story-My Narc is My Ex, and My Boss

So here it goes - I will try to summarize the last 7 years of my life the best I can. (I believe my ex is a Narc or at least borderline, if you have any thoughts or opinions based on my story, please share. I could use all the help I can get at this point.)

We worked together for two years before we started dating in 2007. The chemistry was huge, and I just knew I wanted this guy. I was so excited about this new relationship - the physical and emotional chemistry was awesome. It wasn't 6 months before the mistreatment began, and I just didn't understand it. The biggest issues throughout the years is he would do things without me, and I'd get pissed. Like, that's not normal?! And he would say, "You don't need a written invitation to everything." And I would think, "How am I supposed to come along when I don't even know about it?" This happened at things like his family events (weddings, birthday parties, work functions, etc.) He would also go out on the town without telling me. These are things we eventually got past, but they lasted about 6 years before any changes were made.

Another thing he would do is leave out information. He didn't necessarily LIE, he just left out a LOT of things. For example, his ex (who, for years, was trying to get back together with him and has an obsession with him) is a photographer and he would take his two children to her house for a photo session, and wouldn't tell me about it, nor give me any photos. Throughout the years, she brought food or homemade items to his house when she dropped their daughter off, which I would get pissed about (I wouldn't be allowed to do that with my son's father). I was never allowed to get pissed for things like this nor communicate my boundaries because he would just PROJECT these issues onto me and somehow in the end, I'd be the one apologizing and fighting for him. I was so unhappy at times.

Fighting. Anytime we had an argument, he would use verbally abusive words, along with constant break-ups and make-ups. For example, he's said things to me such as "Give your sloppy pussy to someone else" (what, yuck, really???) and "I feel sorry for the next guy that gets with you" and "You're just jealous of everything". There were times we broke up and I tried to move on and he would just come crawling right back. And I'd take him and another two months later he'd be right back to the disrespect. He had NO respect for me most of the time.

Anyway, where things really changed was about a year ago...we broke up in August of 2013 and I had started to date and move on for the remainder of the year (dating is something I've never tried before). When he found out I was dating a good guy (good-looking too might I add), he just went off the deep-end. Not in a mean way, he actually turned sweet. Did everything in his power to get me back...told me he had a "revelation" and started to realize how horrible he treated me. He started talking about how I was "the one" and how he'd like to get married and that he would reverse his vasectomy (a whole other story - he got one without even asking my opinion on having more children). Because I always saw potential, and love him very much, I took him back. I was having a hard time moving on with someone else because I was constantly thinking about him, and I felt it was the right thing to do. So we got back together in January 2014 and things were better than they've ever been (from January to August). He was communicating with me, we hardly fought, and when we did, he fought a little more "fair". I thought to myself, "This is finally happening. He's made changes and we're really doing this." We even looked at engagement rings. We decided to flip a house and move in together, worked on the house this whole summer...picked everything out together, the whole works. I'm no stranger for waiting for the other shoe to drop and sure enough it did.

I went out-of-state with my sister to see a concert in August. Things were still really good at this time, a month away from the big move. He tried texting me and for some reason he got an error message. (He's gotten error messages before because I have blocked him in the past). So he assumed I "blocked" him, which I didn't, and he flipped out on me...left me a private Facebook message saying I'm "A piece of garbage" and he hopes I "get herpes" and that he was taking all my shit out of the house. I was frantic, I mean, how can someone who loves me say those things to me, especially after things have been so good? I tried calling him and texting him to ask what the hell was going on, and he would not answer any of my communication. Long story short, after I returned home, he discovered that he was wrong and apologized and said he felt very stupid. I forgave him, trying to understand that he would be pissed if he thought I blocked him.

It didn't end there. A short week later, I wanted to go out-of-town school shopping. It's a 2-hour drive to the mall (I live in a small town) and happens to be a half-hour away from where the guy I dated last year lives. I didn't think anything of this, I just wanted to go shopping. This became a HUGE problem. (He knew that I stayed overnight with this guy when we were dating and he knows what town the guy is from. We never had sex, for the record, and I stayed overnight because he lived out of town and we had cocktails, etc.) This hurt me badly because I had put my dating in my past and was moving forward! Anyway, he flipped out on me when I went shopping and DEMANDED my Facebook passwords, cell phone logs, email password, etc. He emailed me his and now he wanted mine. I gave him everything, I had nothing to hide. I just felt like I was in the middle of crazy-land. When I went to his house late one night to talk about it and he completely flipped and said things such as, "Go the fuck home!" "Go fuck Justin!" (the guy I dated) "Go spread your legs!" "Get your shit out of the other house!" He wouldn't let me inside and just yelled these things at me. I was devastated, and at that point, I knew it had to be done. A couple days later (when I could get off the couch) I calmly went the new house and got my things, and left for good. He was there when it happened, and made no attempt to stop me. The very next day he texted me to come over and talk. (Are you kidding me?) It didn't happen.

In the meantime, he emailed me a list of songs, told me how sad he is, and how he'll always have a place in his heart for me. I didn't answer the email. We eventually talked at one point a few weeks ago and he says "He's thought a lot about it and it's for the best" and to "take care". Now I'm pissed. He's gotten away with SO much these past 7 years (I even found cock-rings in his closet one time, which he claims he bought for me, a whole other story) and all the other bullshit and I can't even go shopping a half-hour away from where someone I USED to date lives? I was completely faithful and did NOTHING wrong. In face, part of the reason I shop is to look nice for him and for work, and I told him that. What a dick. And what pisses me off the most, and is the hardest thing for me right now, is we work together. He is technically my supervisor and his office is literally directly across the hallway from mine. I can hear his voice ALL DAY LONG and he seems SOO happy. And here I am, feeling like shit. We've been NC for about a month. I'm sure he's just moved on already and has new supply, which kills me. It absolutely kills me. And the worst part is living in a small town. How am I going to handle if I go out for a cocktail with friends and I see him with another woman? I'm afraid for my mental health, I'll be honest. I was so crazy about him when things were good, and he WAS improving from past years. We even went on an awesome tropical vacation this past spring and I really thought he was my soulmate. I always had this huge insecurity about him being with anyone else. His house is also right on the way to my son's dad's house so if there's ever another vehicle there, I'll see it. I usually just don't look that way, but it's tough. (For the record, I don't look at his Facebook, I realize that will drive a person crazy).

The working together is just awful. I feel like I will never be happy here. I have been applying to other places with no luck. Being in a small town, jobs are REALLY slim. I could easily pick up and move, but I have an 11-year-old son and his father is here. So I feel TRAPPED and in HELL every day. I just want to burst into his office and scream at him and tell him what a dick he is and how badly he betrayed me! I try positive affirmations before work in the morning, I've asked my boss if I can move my office with no luck, I wear headphones so I don't have to hear his chipper-ness every day. I know his better than anyone and I can tell he is truly happy. What pisses me off is HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY - I DO!! I wish he had just been happy with me. I really did love him, because of course, it wasn't all bad.

Just having a difficult time forgiving and letting go of the anger. I am working on making an appointment with a counselor.

Oct 28 - 11AM
faith2014
faith2014's picture

Left out important details...

Oct 28 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You mentioned

Oct 28 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
faith2014
faith2014's picture

Trying...

Oct 28 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes

Oct 31 - 2AM (Reply to #5)
reneemurphy523
reneemurphy523's picture

Similar Situation

Nov 1 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Looks like you have some choices and decisions to make

Oct 31 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
faith2014
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Work