My Story klksn

Sorry if any of this seems a little out of sequence and LONG. I copied my "notes" to my therapist over the last 5 years. I am going through a divorce and just felt I needed to share my story too...you really start to question if it's you whose crazy? Even when 10 other people tell you its not you, it's just so hard...

I met my "N", (I'll call him KK)in November 2008. I had gotten out of a relationship the previous July (ironically, with another "N"). I had a posted a profile online and it was more to just build up my self esteem from the last jerk who tore me down, but then there was his email...he graduated from the same university, seemed to have it all together. I decided to reply and we seemed to hit it off. He was intense (my typical experience falling for "N" types), he was also a Christian and wanted to wait until marriage for sex (which I thought was refreshing and I loved the idea of actually connecting with someone emotionally and spiritually vs just physical). On the first date he took me by the high rise building where he had owned the penthouse and was renting it out to a financial executive. We went inside and the concierge knew him and it was like he was such a catch. In the beginning, he would call me repeatedly at work on my cell and I would answer or quickly text him (it was excessive, but I sort of overlooked it because it was nice to have someone so attentive). He would send me endearing emails and was excited to meet my family eventually. He said to me, "I want to spend as much time as possible together". I noticed my routine was getting harder to maintain. I would go to the gym after work and he would call me or text shortly after getting to the gym that he was by my apartment and wanted to see me. I told him I was at the gym and he would say "That's okay. I'll wait. Just don't be too long"...I remember I started crying but I didn't want to say no to him.I could barely relax to workout and left after 15 minutes to go home. Fast forwarding, I got laid off in January 2009 and he asked me to bring over Chinese food on the way to see him that evening and I did. I went to his apartment and he seemed anxious and tried to break up with me saying "we should take it slow"...how horrible.

We had an on again off again relationship and I was seeing a therapist and made a list of all my observations with KK:

-Compulsive checking that the light is off when locking car also that the doors are locked (reasoning: had a former experience with a car and leaving the light on that resulted in draining the battery).
-Rigidity in routine (his industry was in collapse with the economy and he never wants to spend money, almost punishes himself eating only peanut butter sandwiches)
-Monitoring/controlling food supply/ how items are placed in the fridge or pantry
-Chronic reminding me what I still have left of something (i.e. "Do you know you still have cereal?" ...even when it was recently purchased or if there is a second box of cereal next to another).
-Keeping clothes with holes/clearly worn out or insisting to keep wearing a pair of dress shoes with a hole in the sole to the extent of walking with a limp to avoid getting water inside the shoe when raining.
-Waiting for specific circumstances to wear new things or do a certain activity
-Money hoarding/thoughts of financial insecurity (This is a big issue)
-Obsessive monitoring bank account/ confirming debits or credit/bothersome to see multiple minimal withdrawals (We had a joint account for about 8 months and recently at KKs request we separated this account because it was becoming a tremendous stressor for him. He becomes very anxious and paranoid over money).
-Sense of extreme urgency to “fix” what is not correct or perfect
-My appearance/work production/comparison to others performance
-Indecisiveness in making plans or picking where to go
-Repetitively restating the same thing for reassurance of something
-Spacing of clothes in closet
-Amount of time spent brushing teeth (approx 20 minutes)
-Seeking repeated confirmation of agreement on something with others
-Conflict with getting along with people at work-he’s been told he is a narcissist. Constantly seems to have disagreement with someone or someone does not like him, etc.
-File folders have to be spaced and organized just so
-Difficulty making choices on what to eat, or decisions on simple tasks i.e. what product to buy-he will select, put back then re-select or choose nothing at all
-Nervous picking of cuticles often until they bleed
-Retracting comments or saying “I’m joking” as a mechanism of defense
-Isolation and withdrawal, flat affect.
-Bailing out on conversations or follow through on what was said, exits conversations avoids responding, “The silent treatment”.
-Admits he's very vain and thinks if I look a certain way, he will feel less confused about taking the next step because he won't think he can find someone better (this is not easy to cope with).
-Other focused in controlling how I respond in public, what I should not say, wants to know what I am thinking/thinks I hide my thoughts.

A lot of these behaviors heighten when stress increases. He becomes very doubtful of things and questions himself and this includes our relationship and whether he actually loves me and if we are compatible. Then when things are calmer, its like he comes to a realization and he will say that he does love me and that he is sorry and that he just gets “wishy washy” and freaks out.
This has been a pattern every so often with him for over 2 years and we have worked through it, but it’s becoming very exhausting. I do love him and he has a kind heart all else aside. We go to church together, he tries to be a good Christian and more often than not his faith is what reels him back to center. He wants help, but I think we are both reinforcing behaviors that set one another off at times and its creating conflict and causing me to feel on edge and depressed.
To give you some background, KK was mostly raised by his father, he is of Persian background. Although, very atypical for Persian. He barely speaks the language and has almost no Persian friends. His parents divorced when he was 6. They had a very disruptive relationship and when I've asked what he recalls about the dynamic, he says they always fought and he has really blocked most of it out. He has a very strained relationship with his mom. He feels she abandoned him and his communication with her when she asks him how he is doing or shows concern is often annoyed and rushed. He gives her very little info on what is going on in his life because he thinks she worries too much. He does not like the fact that she has been dependent on a man to take care of her and did not have a career herself to be independent. He excelled in high school and college and his father is very tough on him, very emotionally cold and distant. His father often brought different women around when he was young and has had 2 failed marriages.His father will go long periods of time not speaking to him and then suddenly will call and tell him he's getting married and wants him in the wedding...very bizarre. For KKs 30th birthday, his dad chose to go to his nightly study group over celebrating his son’s birthday and told him they would get together another day that week. Kyle said as a kid, if his papers were not perfect his dad would tear them up and make him start over. I think a lot of his behavior in our relationship mimics how his father treated him. He is a good person and it worries me that he does have a lot of the same behavior and communicates similarly to what he complains that his father does to him. One of the similarities that KK and I both share is that we are both career oriented and do not want children. However, since I have known him he has had several male friends who are older than him (in their 50’s), married and have kids and he loves being around families because he never really had one. There is an older couple that KK and his dad have known for years and they celebrate holidays with. Sometimes I feel like KK is like an overgrown adopted son who tries to force being a part of their family’s gatherings because he feels that’s all he has. KK has said recently that his dad thinks he does not listen and that KK is a disappointment (because he invested so much money in a high rise that went under). It’s interesting because KK will also often tell me that I do not listen to him, which I do not agree with. KK told me that when he first started working and was making good money, his dad asked to borrow $100k from him to help his girlfriend at the time buy a home in Northern CA. KK told his dad no and that he could not do that and did not think it was a good idea. His dad did not talk to him for a while after that and of course stopped dating the woman he was going to help buy a house a few months later. I have noticed that KK does not make the best judgment in who he befriends. He has gotten burned a couple of times because he can be too trusting and does not see the reality of people’s character. I’m not sure if it is just coincidence or what, but most of his male friends are divorced or have had multiple marriages or are serial daters.
To give you insight more specific to what the issues were in our relationship, most recently, my older sister and her husband moved to Nebraska for a medical residency program. My sister was the only family I had left in CA (my parents moved out of state in June 2008 for my dad’s work). Anyhow, this was pretty tough on me, because my sister has been there for me and is really the one person that I know if I had an emergency at 2am, she would pick up her phone and be there to help me. KK really started pulling away from me about a month before my sister moved. He started to feel too much pressure saying that I was depending on him to be my support system (even though I told him it was a difficult time and he said “You have me here. Don’t worry”.). I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me, and it is almost like an abandonment feeling because he started to demand that we separate anything joint or shared (as if his independence was under attack). KK and I were sharing a joint account as I mentioned above because we discussed having a serious future together and agreed to work together towards a financial goal and to focus on saving. Out of the blue, he sort of freaked out and said we have to separate the account and should not have a joint account. We also had a shared cell phone plan because it’s more cost effective. About a week before my sister moved, KK became very frantic and said he was beginning to feel smothered and suffocated and needed his independence and wanted us to have separate accounts and I need to be on a separate cell phone plan and I need to move out. This was a 180 shift from the track we were on for a future together and the conversations we have had. I separated my account and went looking for a place to rent. He felt that was better for him to have some space and will help our relationship. I am struggling because I feel like he made the decision to change the track based upon his circumstance and basically his response is “I changed my mind. That’s the course of relationships. Some people are together 5 years and then this happens”. I feel like it’s going backwards out of fear and that I cannot just appease and be strung along. I have to cut ties with him if this relationship ends or he does not change because I cannot just switch and be friends with someone I still love and thought that I was building a future with because “friends” is what works best for him right now. His response to that is that he does not want that and wants to still work on things, but needs his independence too.

In September 2010, KK spoke to my parents on the phone and apologized for having been a jerk several months prior and for cancelling not coming out over Christmas and basically said he had some growing up to do and that he loves me and is trying to put me first, etc. From there my parents really gave him the benefit of the doubt and they really seemed to like him and it went well having him come out the next Christmas. It’s devastating to be going through this cycle again and I cannot bring myself to tell my parents that this is going on right now and cause more problems.
KK graduated from the same university with a B.S. in business, summa cum laude in 3 years. He's very driven and smart and ended up going into the mortgage industry (via his father’s encouragement, because his dad is a realtor). He was hesitant to pursue a career in mortgage at first, but ended up going that route and did well for himself up until the market flopped. In 2006, when he was 26, he bought a high rise penthouse for the purpose of an executive rental unit. However, he invested quite a bit in upgrades and furniture and took on a hefty monthly mortgage. He was able to do a deed of trust sale with another tenant in the same building when the real estate market plummeted and his job was wavering. He took a huge loss and from there he jumped into investing in other companies looking to recoup, and sure enough those underperformed and led to greater losses. Thus, his lifestyle took a dramatic shift. He went from driving a porsche and BMW to a Nisssan Altima and Prius. He is sort of a person of extremes. When things were going well for him, he would always go out to eat, etc. Now, although he could afford a simple apartment, he rents a small room in a house and would rather go to Big Lots to get good deals. When I met KK he was helping a friend start a fitness boot camp company and he did a wonderful job running the operations and growing the company outside of CA, into 3 other states. However, the opportunity to get back into mortgage presented itself in 2009 and because the boot camp was not an industry he had a lot of passion for, he entered back in to mortgage with the intention to merge an existing mortgage company with a small bank in Texas. This has been a rollercoaster and he took the risk of accepting minimum wage compensation for the benefit of the company to grow and the promise of being given a percentage of ownership once things took off. However, this never happened and the mortgage company has since gone dormant. He went on unemployment and focused his time looking for another management position as well as meeting with investors for the purpose of still trying to takeover this bank in Texas to create a branch in CA. (Hope I have not confused you too much with the details). He is so stuck on what he can do to make the same kind of money again.
KK seems very sure of himself in managing money, but very unsure of his judgment of investments (I agree with this because he is extremely emotional) and at the time that the lease came up on the apartment my sister and I were renting in 2009, Kyle talked me into just renting a room somewhere. However, I was going through a juggling routine at that time getting my financial securities licensing as I had gone into financial services and I ended up moving in with him where he was renting a room in a house for the purpose of conserving financially, it seemed worth the sacrifice. I was going through a stressful time of transitioning into a new job, licensing exams, etc., and KK was focused on trying to push me to make money as well as make this mortgage/bank merge happen. We argued frequently and I think KK became very frustrated because success was not happening quickly enough. He was booked to fly out with me for Christmas in 2009, but a week before decided he was not going to go because we were going through a difficult time. On top of that, he also told me I had to move out (after only a few months in starting a commission only job). I was fortunate enough to have a senior advisor at work let me stay at a rental property; however I was notified last minute that a tenant was ready to move in at the end of March, which meant I had 2 days to be out. I felt like an absolute gypsy! I was not in a position to sign a lease at that time and contacted a friend from college who had purchased his first home nearby to let me stay in a spare room, however just when I thought I could relax and look for something more permanent, My friend from college sprung on me that he had his own issues (his brother died in our senior year of college) since that time he became very reclusive and socially avoidant and said it was basically torture having another person stay at his house and he just wanted to be alone. So, that lasted about a week and I was rushed out spending about a week in an extended-stay hotel and then having resolved things with KK I was back staying with him.
One of the issues we struggled with a lot is that he thinks I am very insecure. However, I think that a lot of his behavior created or reinforced that. He can be very complimentary to me, but he can also be just as critical of my appearance. If we are out somewhere he may notice another woman or what another woman is wearing and say, “That’s a nice dress” and it bothers me because I feel he is very other-focused especially on appearance and of course I would love to shop and have new outfits all the time, but we are supposed to be saving and building and its hurtful to have someone say anything or point out other people when that is not what’s important or a priority right now. He used to date mostly older women before he met me and this has been his longest relationship.
We did meet with an OCD therapist and KK stated that he loves me to death and doesn't understand why I love him and want to be with him because he has so many issues and at times feels that he is not treating me the way he wants to. He thinks that because I am the first person he has considered marrying, it has made him more critical and demanding of me or it triggers that perfectionist behavior. I do have an issue with reassurance from him because there were a few times where he began questioning if we were compatible and he would tell me “let’s just take some space” and I would comply, staying loyal because that is just who I am. He on the other hand would deny that he was “looking” or dating anyone else, but I later found out that he did go on dates and he was talking to other women while he was talking to me and telling me that he was not. That has really created a trust issue for me. He does not like to own up to this and likes to downplay taking responsibility for his actions.

I have kept a journal summarizing some incidents that have occurred over the last several months:

#1- I am feeling very hurt by KK’s comments the other day. They seem like weak excuses for being selfish, saying that a relationship is not worth his effort or focus because his work issues are a bigger priority for him. That’s sad. How can someone who so avidly wants to live their life as a Christian say that? To me, that is like God giving the excuse that He is too busy, sorry-no grace for you. Yet, he has time to watch football and go to the gym with his roommates, but spending quality time with me is too much work. Yet, the demands asked of me are things I’m supposed to put effort and make time for. I work hard during the week and spend my weekends feeling inadequate and without the balance of a healthy relationship because circumstances are not perfect.

I feel unimportant & neglected. KK's comments to me yesterday really hurt. I feel so down and wish I could have more of his attention to connect in our relationship. He said he cannot deal with how I respond sometimes and how I go upstairs in the evenings away from everyone (because TV is not quality time connecting for me). He doesn't realize I do that because I cannot stand feeling tuned out and invisible and it hurts. He said we are basically roommates (but yet, what effort does he give?). He says that we need to live apart and do what “normal” people do and “see how it goes”. But we did do that, and I feel it’s a crutch to use as an excuse. He said he will stay at his dads during the week and “I will see you when I see you”. It’s so emotionally cold and extreme to hear from someone who was so loving at one time. It’s like a switch is turned and he acts so distant and without emotional attachment. I know a lot of this is because the company he is trying to make work is not going the way he wants. We didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. He stayed at his dad’s that night and that hurt so much. He later said that Valentine’s Day, his birthday, none of those things mean anything to him. He said that I’m more invested in the relationship than he is and feels that sometimes and why can’t I see it? Why do I want to be with someone like that? He thinks we need a break. He said he thinks he’s not good for me right now and brings me down. I feel like when these waves of panic hit him he tries to convince me and make me feel foolish for giving my heart. He apologized after and said he didn't mean it and was just overly worked up. It deeply hurts to have this disconnect and I want so much to reconnect like I felt we have had before. I feel that he is so concerned with money and wants to live life sentenced on a sofa to escape into television when he is not at work until he is more profitable-but that just creates more stress on his shoulders because he’s restless and it’s such a lack of faith.

4/24/11-I realize I become more anxious feeling objectified and held to a standard of expectation (perfection and idealism) that I continually fall short of. I have always been critical of myself and want to improve certain things. Continually being reminded that I’m not enough yet in comments or a remark just wears me down. It makes me angry that being worthy of love and attention is based on the approval of what I wear, how tan I am, how close I am to being perfect. Sometimes when I think I’m probably being too hard on myself, it’s just like a nightmare come true to have someone else speak to me all of the thoughts and things that I feel insecure about myself. I overlook flaws so much in others, maybe I’m too loyal, too caring, giving too much of myself and my heart is not appreciated. Maybe this will always be the thorn in my flesh. I constantly feel compared to other women and think her outfit is better today; she has more sex appeal today than I do, she’s better than me- I hate feeling that way. I should be confident and not taken for granted.

5/4/11-I am continuing to journal the patterns in my relationship with KK. How can I be this confidant woman when I feel dissected? How can I feel sexy, when I’m compared and feel less than? I am beginning to feel like that this is emotional abuse. I feel insecure and destabilized because of these behaviors and mood changes.

The other week I saw an email sent from Kk to an address that I recognized from the previous year when we were having an up and down time. It was a woman he met on a dating site. My blood froze. I felt our trust was violated. The email subject heading was “Long time no talk” the contents of the email read: “Hey Tine, its KK. Remember me (young, good looking guy from OC) How are you??. I panicked and called him on it and he lied and said it was just someone he met through friends and it was a realtor he was reaching out to for business. I did not accept that answer because I knew the truth and knew I recognized the email address. He finally confessed that he did meet her online and that he was reaching out for business reasons and he was flirtatious because that’s just what “you have to do”. He tried to ease it by saying she was too old anyway and that she looks old and he has no interest. I of course obsessed over this and found her online, she is a realtor, 48 years old, but I could see her appeal to him (typical cougar). I thought this was so disrespectful for him to do because of me and it was just wrong to reach out to someone you met previously on a dating site even if it is just for business. He became so defensive and argumentative and accused me of being insecure and changed the topic to that and made himself the victim. He started again with saying that I need to find a place if I cannot trust him and I should “pack my shit and get out”. It was very dramatic. He said if I don’t leave he will go and find someplace else. I said fine and he said if I do stay at the house that I would have to sign a new lease with the owner, as if that would deter me. It made little sense and I said, “If you want to play hardball, fine”. He got upset at that and called me a c*** and mother f-ing b****. Especially with the email he sent to that woman, just hearing that brought me to tears. He later apologized and seemed very remorseful for having called me that.

In April, before my sister moved, I stayed at her apartment for a week while she was in Ohio, just to get a break because I was feeling very distressed. KK became very cold and distant (it felt like we weren’t dating) and it was like he didn’t care. During that week the issue of my appearance came up and there are a few things I would like to change about myself at a later time that I have discussed with him. KK has said at different times in the past, “if you want to go for a consult and have the surgery let me know” (to have my implants redone). I have gotten upset and said I would like to, but with work, it’s not a priority right now. He would still intermittently bring it up as if he thought I forgot or something. Clearly, this is bothering him. He admitted that he thinks my backside could be smaller and that he wants me to be more attractive. With my job and just getting my footing, this is so hard to hear. I know I'm not unattractive, I'm blonde, 5'4 118 lbs. I am my own worst critic and I don’t think I’m unattractive. I became so frustrated that I scratched my legs until they bled. I’ve never done that before and hearing that just pushed me. He says the most hurtful things and then he feels badly. He agreed to go to a therapist for his behavior and his issue of perfectionism and OCD. The other topic that he becomes worked up over is my student loans. Those are a big deal for him because he has perfect credit and no debt and feels that if he marries me he will inherit my loans and be responsible for them and he doesn’t have a secure job and its stressing him out. I have never said that he would be responsible for my loans and would never expect him to pay them. I feel like he can be reassuring and then when something sets him off I have to brace myself for him to pull away so he can feel a sense of “normalcy” and then he wants to do the relationship different. He has said he does not have much respect for me because I let my parents make me feel guilty for having taken out student loans. He can be discouraging about the outlook of things because he dreads having to live financially strapped. He says he feels like he is going nuts. I feel like giving him space and doing what he asks is just giving in to his need to control. If we argue and I try to walk away he stops me, but he gets to walk away from a conversation and I have to just deal with it. When I get upset, sometimes he acts caring and says if I would just do these few things for him as a favor to help him, what’s the big deal? I told him this has happened before and I feel worried that it won’t be any different, he won’t change, what if he won’t get help-he says he is going to get help and will do anything for me and does not want to end the relationship. He just wants to have his independence with some things to feel normal. Sometimes it gets very volatile and he will question why I want to be with him, but tells me he does not want to end anything. He tries to control everything. I feel like I am a tremendous burden sometimes and when I say that he opens a page from “Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships” a book by Chip Ingram, where it discusses not looking to other people for acceptance and a sense of completion. I don’t think I’m doing that, I’m trying to work as a team of two people in a relationship. I think he is the one looking to have the things around him make him feel a sense of accomplishment.

It’s strange because he gave a groomsmen toast for a high school friend of his whom recently got married and KK talked about his friend's loyalty and selflessness and how he sees that in his friend Will, having those traits, but basically lacks those “natural gifts” himself. The week of Will’s wedding, KK told me he was going to be very busy (as a point to not expect to be around him). He said he was going to be running around helping Will get things done for the wedding, but that actually rarely happened. In April, when KK and I were going through a tough time I told him he will enjoy himself more if I don’t go to the
wedding because he is part of the bridal party and would just be stretching his neck to make sure I was having a good time. Initially he disagreed and said he would not enjoy himself. Then the week of the wedding he asked me, “Do you still want to go to the wedding? You don’t have to. I don’t care”. That definitely did not make me feel encouraged to go. He basically reiterated what I had told him that he would enjoy himself more if I did not go and could catch up with Wills family and people he has not seen in years. (He says it in a way almost as if it was his idea that I not go or that this is the first time the idea is coming up). I admit I felt a little hurt because I would hope to hear that he would want me to go and meet the people he has not seen in years. Although, it may be good for him to go and have a nice time with friends. He ended up going solo and didn’t bother to call at all the whole day, I sent him a text in the evening to see how things were going and he responded that he had a little to drink and was going to stay at his friend Chris’s house. I asked him to please not do that, especially after a wedding, I did not feel comfortable with that. He said okay, but tried to twist my arm about it. Finally, things blew up and he said he doesn’t want to be told what to do and he isn’t mentally there to be in a relationship. His friends tell him I’m a great girl and that he is lucky and he seems to know that. I think sometimes he likes to see how far he can push me to see if i pull back and if I don’t, then he says he’s sorry.

KK will repeatedly remind me during these doubtful cycles (which he has done in the past) that he “is not there yet” for marriage (I never even bring up marriage or put any pressure. He creates that). He will say that he does not know if he will ever be ready and that it will be a long, long time. It’s almost like he says this just to reassure himself.

We were supposed to meet one of my friend’s from college and her boyfriend for dinner and he has met her before and thought she was not a very good influence (she’s more outspoken, but we get along great) even though I talk to him about planning a dinner beforehand, he will later act disinterested the day of and say, “So, you really want to meet with her?” It makes me feel like my friends don’t matter as much.

He made a comment when he got upset that I am too intertwined in his life and that he made that error and now he’s stuck. He thinks I’m too dependent because we live together and share an account (we are doing those things to reach a mutual goal). Sometimes I think he lets the idea of his mother creep in and it blurs what a relationship is and he associates any inkling of dependency with his mother. I like my own space as well and I feel like he has the freedom to do what he wants and usually does. I think because he goes back and forth with our relationship and doubting whether I’m the right one, it creates insecurity in me and I become emotionally dependent. I am starting to feel guilty for trying and thought that when you love someone, you make a decision to unconditionally love an imperfect person and you work things out and you build intimacy. Maybe I am just hurting things. When you hear someone say things to you, it makes you start questioning yourself and think, “Wow, maybe I really am an idiot?”

KK and I broke up at the beginning of June 2011, he was very avoidant. He had actually set up an online dating account about a week prior to when we broke up. When I found out, I was furious and was very verbal about my hurt. He denied that he was really looking; it was more of a way to “cope” because he felt no confidence and that was his response. I felt isolated and rejected. We eventually continued talking as KK was looking for work and he was very depressed. I tried to be understanding of his situation and offer encouragement. He was all over the place with what direction to go. He considered joining the men’s ministry at Church, going to Africa to do some form of mission work and meet his World Vision sponsor child, or try to get find something in the mortgage industry. I encouraged KK to keep reaching out in the industry he enjoys. I did not think the men’s ministry was a good fit for him, because he wouldn’t be honest with himself in doing that and the fact is that income is a strong value to him. We gradually started to hang out, however I expressed that I was very distrusting and had hurt from his previous behavior and how I was treated. He eventually came to the conclusion that I was “the one” and had been there for him at his weakest point. We discussed marriage and he wanted to move forward and prove his commitment. He wanted to be a Godly man and assured me that marriage was very serious to him and that divorce would not be an option. It was both exciting and scary. My parents were not aware that KK and I were even speaking since our breakup. So, eventually KK and I had a phone call with my parents so that he could ask permission to marry me. My parents were kind of difficult in that they saw his pattern over the years and it concerned them and they also knew that he was very disapproving that they think I am 100% responsible for my student loans. So, they made a statement that once we do get married we will have to assume all responsibility for the loans (as my dad is currently noted as the co-signer). I told them that I did not believe that was fair to put on KK, but they sort of just put it that that would be the terms. We discussed having a small wedding ceremony and my parents agreed to pay for it and that caused KK some contention that they would pay money for a wedding, but not my loans. KK was living as a roommate with another guy who had a serious girlfriend and there was a personality conflict for KK and she also had a dog that caused allergy issues for him. He expressed a lot discomfort living there and at the same time kind of pushed the idea of getting legally married so that we could live together this time “the right way” in God’s eyes and that we could still do a ceremony within the next year. I was not okay with that and I resisted the idea, but eventually I gave in and we went to the county clerk and got legally married. I was really disappointed the day that we married because I met KK, I was coming directly from work and he was wearing a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops and I was really offended and he didn’t think about it and apologized. I brought it up frequently afterwards because it really bothered me, it was disrespectful. After we did the ceremony and exchanged vows and signed the marriage certificate, KK went to his roommates home to start bringing over his belongings. I felt upset. After getting married, to go home alone and basically wait around for him to move his things over and there was nothing special. No pictures. I cried a lot that evening. The next day we did go to San Diego to celebrate for 1 night.

KK did tell the couple who are like his parents in a way and they were very supportive and kind and congratulating. However, it bothered me that he told them when we agreed to wait because I wanted a real wedding ceremony and I didn’t want to spoil that. Overtime, it became difficult for me to be around this couple and their family because they knew we were married and my own family didn’t and it upset me inside. So I avoided situations with them and KK would still go and do things, which I didn’t want to take away from him, but the actual problem was never regarded. When I would express that I wanted to do a ceremony KK would say he doesn’t want to spend money, he wouldn’t have a lot of people to invite, there was too much going on in our lives, always an excuse. He wasn’t excited about it and that hurt. I felt very devalued.

At the time, I was working in a very stressful, difficult work environment that created a lot of anxiety for me and KK sort of protectively stepped in and encouraged me to resign because I wanted to go back to school and pursue nursing. He was very supportive of my goal. I was hesitant because he struggles with anyone dependent on him. He assured me that I didn’t need to worry and that I just had to focus on school. I was able to get through pre-requisites that I needed and apply within 1 year and got into a nursing program. I was very thankful for his help. Although, he was very parental to me making sure I was studying enough and trying to help me in contacting programs, but at times it made me feel inadequate like I wasn’t capable of speaking for myself. He started to feel bothered that I wasn’t working about 4 months after resigning and would frequently make comments such as “I can’t believe I’m wasting money on rent” or “Another bill?” He was resistant to doing things because he wanted to save money. I started to feel insecure and when I told him that he was the one who encouraged me to resign and focus on school and applying, he said that he wanted to make me feel better at the time and wanted me to go to school to pursue my passion. However, he felt taken advantage of in a way having to support me. He felt I should try to find something in the meantime for work and although I was looking for something as a potential backup if I didn’t get accepted into a program, at the same time I didn’t want to commit to a job and leave in 6 months. I felt stuck. I felt demanded of like a child and that it wasn’t me freely choosing to work and so I sort of fell into this struggle and I resisted and just grew resentment. KK would have moments where he would say, “I didn’t marry you to take care of you”. He made a comment that he had a hard time respecting me when I wasn’t working because it reminded him of his mom. He felt I was taking advantage, and that never was my intention. If anything, I wanted to feel safe with him and my going back to school was for our future.

I would get really resentful because he never wanted to go anywhere or do things and it felt like punishment and I would say cruel things out of frustration. I had a good friend from college who married a recent medical school grad in anesthesiology and I made a comment that, “R got lucky. I should have married a doctor” and it was a jab at him and he would just kind of let it go or say, “Well, you still can if that’s what you want”. It’s like I didn’t matter, like he could take me or leave me. There was one incident where I felt he was always on his phone sending emails and texting and I wouldn’t really know what was going on and would feel distant from him. I checked his phone one time, and saw text messages to his boss’s administrative assistant over the weekend and he was sort of unloading that he was unhappy with some of the coworkers and it made me feel rage. I felt that he was committing emotional infidelity. Plus, it was unprofessional. Seething, I asked him about it and he dismissed my perception and said I was overreacting and that this person was not even attractive and she’s more like a sister (which bothered me even more). He didn’t realize that it was inappropriate to be unloading his frustrations and moreso that I had no idea he was feeling frustrated at work. He justified it saying that I wouldn’t understand because I’m not in that industry and he didn’t think about it. I got so upset that I threw a remote and broke the T.V.

Another area that was frustrating was our sex life. We waited until marriage to have sex. However, it was infrequent and basically once he climaxed, it was over. So, I felt like what about me? And he got annoyed by that often. He was very obsessive about using a condom because he had a fear of unexpected pregnancy. He would go into the bathroom after and would wash out the condom to make sure there were no holes. It was a little extreme. In June, he made a quick decision to have a vasectomy. He was tired of the anxiety and it was what he wanted to do. We both agreed that we did not want children, but there was something sort of sad to me about how he went to such an extreme on impulse.

When I got accepted into the nursing program we started looking at apartments and KK was really focused on the cost of living being more expensive in LA. I admit I became anxious and demanding. I insisted on a 2 bedroom so that I had study space because KK frequently takes work calls and has a loud voice and I needed a quiet space. I said I had to have a window in certain rooms. Truthfully, I realized I was just being difficult. I didn’t have to have certain features, I just felt no control over anything because he had all the power. My only sense of control was windows. We both felt increased stress as the time got closer and about 3 weeks before we needed to move, he ambushed me saying he can’t live with me and he needs to be separate for a while. I freaked out. I told him okay, this is a reality check. We need to get on track and work on our issues. He was very intolerant of that idea and said he just needs to live separate because he was afraid of me and my temper with him. I realize that I let my anger get out of hand and I needed to do something. We went to see our therapist separately. KK was adamant that he reached his limit with me and couldn’t continue. He started sleeping on the couch, avoiding me. Staying at a friend’s house. Withholding information. Sending emails to an investment broker to get forms to remove me from an account. He found a room to rent 8 miles from where I was going to school and close to his office and started forwarding his mail before letting me know. I only found out because I felt he wasn’t telling me anything and I checked his email and found what he was doing. The next thing he pressured the idea of getting a divorce and wanted to separate all accounts and threatened that I needed to comply and go through a mediator or I wouldn’t get a penny if I involved an attorney. He ended up transferring a sum of money as part of the settlement. We went and met with the mediator and I was crying and saying I didn’t agree with divorce and KK was very cold and just said he’s not doing this anymore. We signed the papers and that evening went home and KK was upset and said maybe we should work it out, why does he make impulsive decisions? He even saw our therapist that same evening. KK was convinced that I was abusive, and justified his actions. I feel that I was just full of hurt from all of the emotional abuse I allowed the last several years.

After we both moved to LA. KK started texting me that he wanted some money back and that he felt forced to give me what he did. I told him he is responsible for his choices. I did not force him to do anything. I never wanted divorce. He said I could have fought it and I still can. Its hurtful that more than the relationship he’s bothered about money (which I guess is because for him that’s security). He tried another approach and said that he's sorry but he really needs $20k. I asked him what is this immediate need? He replied he needs it for his hair and counseling. I thought hmmm...does he really think I'm that stupid? Either he's going to an inpatient program or decided to get hair transplant surgery? He said, "no, my propecia". It didn't jive with me. He finally admitted that the company he works for decided to offer stock options and there is going to be a big investment coming to the company and he really wants to take advantage of the opportunity, but he needs to invest $20k, that's supposedly the minimum. So, of course I said sorry to hear that, but I'm not going to give you back any money because you want to buy stock options at work (Is it just me or is something really odd about that?). So, he has dropped the issue for now. Although he asked me to consider giving him the money and then towards the end of the year he can give me more money back through installments. I'm not going for it.

During a phone call the Sunday that I moved, KK went on rant saying, "Not that you need to know, but Will (who has been KKs friend since high school) wants nothing to do with me. I tried calling his wife Kylie because I can't get a hold of him and she told me to 'stay away from my husband. We want nothing to do with you'. She's just so worked up because I pulled that investment out 2 weeks after I opened the account. What was I supposed to do? It started losing money and I was losing $200 a day. I wasn't going to keep my money there. Will said that I created a lot of issues for him at work because I filed a complaint, but it wasn't meant against him. I filed against Marvin, the guy he works with. I needed to get my money out. Apparently, the complaint cost Will a promotion and now he's upset and wants nothing to do with me. So, I'm sure you'll love knowing that and anytime you get upset with me you can remind me how I'm going to lose all my friends and people close to me". In a way, I'm actually glad to hear that because he will never realize what he does if people who have always been there don't start pushing away, not allowing it.

I know how neurotic KK behaved with that situation. He initially wanted to invest in a particular fund for long term growth. He set an appointment and we met with his friend Will, who is a junior financial advisor and his senior advisor Marvin. KK was adamant that this was the fund he wanted and that he wanted to have frequent calls if there was a change in performance to adjust the allocation. 2 weeks after he opened the account, it started losing money and he called excessively at the bank and left numerous messages and spoke to different departments demanding to close his account. Then as soon as KK pulled the money out, he went and invested in another fund at a private investment firm.

I actually spoke to his friend Will. He was shocked about our split and said that he hasn't talked to KK since May. I told Will I did not know that KK had effected a promotion opportunity for him and that really bothered me. I know that's a tough industry and Will has been a good friend to KK, even when he treats him poorly. Like myself, Will turns the other cheek a lot and excuses the slights. I was glad his wife Kylie put her foot down. Interestingly, KK has never cared for Will's wife. He has always perceived her as demanding and spoiled and "she wears the pants". I think he feels threatened by her strong personality. When I spoke to Will I told him that if there was anything I could do to have the complaint removed since it was a joint account to let me know. He told me KK was calling so much and leaving multiple messages and acting like he was Donald Trump, this important person and demanding to speak to the regional manager. It affected Will's reputation because KK, being a friend of Will's, it sort of hurt him at work when a complaint was filed. Will said KK doesn't think. Every investment he goes into he loses, and he goes into employment opportunities and talks about it like it’s going to be this billion dollar company and it always goes sour and he feels he got screwed. Will has also tried to talk to KK about the people he goes into business opportunities with because they usually end up being out for themselves and KK is blind to it. I asked Will if this has always been who he is and he said KK really has never kept friends and that's another reason he’s stayed around, he felt bad for him. He befriends men who are married multiple times or have less than commendable integrity, although they may have achieved some temporary success in business that KK admires. Will said he has a difficult time because he sees KK almost like a child who doesn't know better and is socially inept in ways like that he doesn't seem to pick up on social cues that most people would and he feels badly for him. At the same time, he’s also been hurt by him a lot too and that's not okay. Will said KK's dad has always been a jerk to him and he never understood why he didn't write the guy off years ago for being miserable and then the situation with his mom has always been dysfunctional. She will reach out to him and expect something from him to help her. Interestingly, Will and KK were roommates for a short while and KK also left Will when their lease was up to do all the cleaning and take care of things at the apartment they shared and KK made sure he was already out.

Going through this divorce has been traumatizing. 3 weeks before starting nursing school. I ended up moving to a new area myself and pushing through school (I got through this hell with a 3.5 GPA my first semester...my only empowerment) He completely left, refused to talk, controls communication. Blocks my number. I have no closure. He tells me He despises me, doesn't want to talk to me. I'm obsessed and need help. He says he doesn't love me. He shouldn't have married me. I need to move on. He's afraid of me. Then he'll say he has issues and needs to work on himself and needs to hide from everyone so he doesn't hurt people. It's agonizing...Its so hard to be in a new area alone, starting school and he's 8 miles away and we're going through this insane divorce. I haven't seen him in over 4 months...it's like I became nothing to him.