' My Story" by iss ~the dark side~

Of course there were some red flags- they showed up from time to time. My parents didn't like him - why since he was so charming and great??!! He told me he has slept with a lot of women( back then it was around 50) but he was only a toy for them. He has never been hugged or loved...He would smile every time I hugged him or stroke his head- he enjoyed my touch- me touching his face...I thought how could girls treated him so badly since 'he is sooooo easy to be with!'. Sometimes we encountered some of his female friends they would say hi pretty quick and walk their way or just walk their way rushly- every time he said' They are just so jealous- each of them would love to be in your place, but I am all yours- remember". The strange thing was that in his cell phone he didn't have the names and last names he had just some abbrevation ISS was mine (hence my nick name). he would ask me whether he could drink some coffee with some female friends and told me not to worry- I was surprised and said of course go ahead have some time with friends. After these lovely months something has changed...I didn't know what. He still vissited me, we still spent time togehther, went out, but the letters became less frequent and it was natural for me- it was not the beginning now the relationship needs to go on another level.But I became sadder and sadder without a reason. We came back to University and he was a bit different. He started having those coffies with more women, he received many phone calls, messages, was keeping his phone all the time with him. I hated so much when every time someone wrote him an sms- he would say "Ohh who loves me" or "Which lover is calling" I was sick of it! But was silent, once I said that I didnt like how he flirted with my female friend when we had all three dinner together his mood changed immediately and he was so cold came back to our flat (we lived together only during the weekends when we had our lectures) he was in bed with his face to the wall and said nothing. Us two in the empty room and he said nothing! He would sometimes wake up at night sit at the edge of his bad and hold his head in his hands. I knew he was writing messages with many girls. Once when he was with me he texted the girl and invited her for pizza. "Ohh it is only a friend, she is stupid 18. You know that you are my girl! You don't have to be jealous!" Every time when I made a remark on his behaviour (that i didn't like the fact that he could go a few times a week with other girls for a cup of coffee (hell knows what it was in reality)) and There were 3 times over those months that I wasn;t silent- each time the same story he got mad, the silent treatment began, he would say that I am sick sick with jealousy. Once after a quarell when subconcsciously I knew it is going to an end I told him that I love him! He was so shocked I said it and immediately went off the car! (I have never said it to anyone before- thought one day I might regret that I really felt it and remainded silent so I did it) after those words he changed (although he wrote me "I love you" in one of the letters along with the words that he knows that I am the only one that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me). He started behaving weird and our relationship came to an end- he didn't even had a courage to say good bye I waited for it and said I want you to tell me that straight into my eyes- he postponed, said he needed time to think, that he knows that I am a great woman etc. he started visiting other girls and I waited... Bitter words started.... once he said that he doesnt have feelings and I shold take it seriously, that I shoudl run away cause I have a chance for a happy family- he will never be happy. My period was late and he said since you know that there is something wrong with my brain it will be better not to have a child. "It would be easier to raise the kid together than to fix my head" " I do not know what remorses are. I don't know what empathy is" My grandpa died in the meantime and he said nothing to me- not a word like _ I am sorry, nothing. He started gatting smss from other girls at night. I was mad. There was our anniversary (the first one) I wanted to have the lunch together just as we had last year he said no. "I don't have work, money I don't wanna go" I started crying he said that sooner or later each of the girl he is with will cry. He was so cold, his eyes so empty, his face so white and blank...he said having sex for him is so mechanical, he feels nth but the physical pleasure, he doesnt know what love is. He started treating me like a trush, saying teh words he knew will hurt me. He no longer called me those sweet names, he was so different. He was saying weird things that one day when he will not be able to put up with all of this he will shot himself. That he is waiting for death. he said that if I lose him in fact I will win. "Is it better to die as a good man or live like a best?" "Bad men live long- I hope my life will be short or I will turn out to be a good man". Without a reason he would say- you get on my nerves" , "you remind me of my mom which is not good since we quarell with mom too often' " You are too nice I wish you were cold and heartless then we would match each other- both feeling nothing " The worse it got the more I tried to put the things together. I could't sleep, eat I lost 18 pounds- the ambulance took me to the hospital from my work I was too weak to function...My brain was going crazy- what happened to that nice guy! he would never treat me like that or talk to me this way! I remembered the last name of his ex GF and wanted to find her and ask whether he acted weird when he was with her. The truth was so shocking. She said it is normal that he acts not normal! He also wrote her letters, the beginning was wonderful- she loved him with all her heart. Then the hell broke loose, When she told him "I love' you his face expression was as if she hit him. When he was arrested he was writing her sweet letters that he loves her, she begged his mom to bail him out- once he went out he said- I would write I love you even to the dog or the worst enemy only to get out of that Hell. He was cheating on her- also with me (wich I found out later) She said that He could sit in the car all day long /even eating meals there/, after some time he rarely had sex with her (just like with me!) he preferred masturbating to it! They lived together- he didnt pay for anything! (always not having enough money!) When she had a B-day he was sitting all evening in the kitchen alone didnt even say Hi to the guests. She wanted to have a baby with him so badly. When he was done with her he texted one day and said that he is going to be a father (I was supposed to be the one who was pregnant0 he lied only to hurt her) she didnt receive his calls so he called her parents and ask them to make her answer his phonecalls. She did nothing bad to him just like me! I warned one girl - wrote a long e-mail and said everything, she was supposed to be his next pray. he wanted to move to the capital city and moved in with her to have a free accomodation and someone who would help him with work. Fortunately she believed me and cut those contact. he was so mad at me. said he regrets the day he met me. Told me that he packed all the things that reminded him of me and one day I will find it at my door and he hopes I will cry reading all the letters and looking at all the pictures. He is not able to keep in touch with any of his exs maybe only with the girls he had just sex with...that's all. Once he said that he would give each woman everything she wants- he can have any woman he wants! For him the life is like ashes and he picks up women and creates soemthing beautiful. One he said that it is my fault beacuse I made him notice me. " Iss you should just face the truth that you met a bad man- don't make a tragedy out of it. be stronga nd just move on! and please dont look into my future. Every time you will think of me you can sure that it will be only worse with me. When somebody gives me attention it hurts me I dont need love. I am scared that you could say I love you so easily to a person you hardly know ( I said it almost after a year). I don't need your love. When I asked him whether he cares about the health of all the women he sleeps with he said- what for? I don't ever care about my health! There are so many extremely hurtful words. We broke up I stayed NC, yesterday we had a chat- he started it. He told me that he only wanted to make me believe that he is crazy- he was pretending all that to trick me. To make me believe that he is mentally ill. \He said that our sex life was boring that's why he went to another girls for it ( It is so untrue cause I was full of ideas, wanted to try new things- he would say' Iss if you do it too often it loses its magic! wtf??!?!?) He said that it was only mechanical with me, he liked it with the other girls- cause he knows that I didnt open to him. He wanted to have everything at once- and by the time I have opened he has already closed himself. He said that I am too polite, that I am good girl and he doesnt like it. Now he meets with a girl whose only hobby are parties...I am so unlike her...it hurts cause I know that I am intelligent, I finished good schools, have plans and she is a stupid big boobed girl...I could write and write all the bitter words he cut my soul with...maybe here I should stop... what do you thing am I crazy? Did I make it all up as he said? I don't think so....