I'd like to share my story about my abusive relationship with an alcoholic narc.
I met my ex narc 15 months ago. I loved how he was a shy, humble, army soldier. He was polite, and told me all he wanted was to find "Ms. Right, not Ms. Right Now." He told me he had fallen in love with me after observing me over many months at the gym we both attended. That should have been my first red flag (quick attachment). On our first date, he told me he loved me. A month and a half later, he told me he wanted to marry me, that I was the only woman for him, the strongest woman he had ever met. He told me he had never felt this strongly for any woman before, that he truly loved me and that I was "his heart, his life". It was only until I did some research months later on losers that I found this bizarre, quick attachment behavior to be a red flag. He literally had 17 out of 19 loser characteristics according to a psychologist's website.
The first time I saw him drunk, he put his hand on my throat and cursed and yelled at me, saying if I had walked a mile in his shoes as a broken combat vet, I would understand. My crying and pleading only made the abuse worse. He relished seeing me cry in a ball on the floor. He forgot the incident soon thereafter and promised not to drink again. When I moved back across the country for grad school a month after first dating him, he fell apart and went to rehab. I supported him while his family deserted him because I felt that the nice guy within would soon emerge. Little did I know that his family avoided him for good reason. I blamed his evil behavior on his PTSD and alcoholism, or so that was what he wanted me to believe.
I finished grad school and moved back across the country to start my new life. He was supposed to be a small part of that life. But when we moved in together, I found out his drinking had never ceased, he had emailed his ex (who he claimed cheated twice on him while he was deployed) reminiscing about their relationship and how "angry and difficult" I was. He also had naked pictures of her on his computer for which he made an excuse. He snooped in my hard drive despite me telling him never to break my trust that way. He used it against me later in an argument. He maintained an okcupid account the entire time we dated long distance and sent messages to women two months into our relationship. They were harmless messages but I considered him dishonest.
I knew I had to get away when I would come home from work to find him passed out, presumably drunk and doped up on his numerous antidepressant/sleep medications. He drove me crazy. I always had to be the mature, calm, collected adult trying to get him to share his negative feelings in a rational way. I got tired of his constant drama, mood swings, crying fits, blaming, blatant denial of facts, twisting the truth, and endless projections. On top of that, I had to make sure he paid his portion of the rent, and had to lend him money sometimes so he could get to work. His phone always got shut off every month for failure to pay. But somehow he found the money to buy booze and sneak it into his backpack. When I called him on this broken promise, he told me he drank the bottles of wine for his blood pressure, even though he had a prescription for that.
This POS verbally, emotionally and physically abused me for 15 months. We both ended up in the emergency room with injuries sustained in a fist fight with each other. The police officer and paramedics told me to stay as far away from him as possible. Presumably they had seen abusers like him in similar situations but I didn't know any better at the time.
I finally had enough this past Valentine's Day. We argued incessantly and it was because he verbally abused me after drinking. Anytime I stood up for myself and questioned him, he cursed and threatened me. He would get very close up in my face and grit his teeth, trying to scare me into submission. He claimed he was tired of not having fun and arguing all the time (basically he was tired of me not putting up with his shit). He said he wanted a break but would not outline the terms or the duration. He promised to call on Valentine's day morning to speak to me about it and never did. So I texted him and broke it off, saying I was tired of the abuse and didn't love him. The man I loved never existed and would never return. He had nothing to say to that.
I have been four days NC. I have gone NC for up to two weeks before with this asshole, so I am used to it. I blocked his email, all social media, and his work and cell phone numbers. I know he isn't remotely sorry, a narc never is. I read the Path Forward in the past four days and know that this monster is only part of my history, not my destiny.
The worst part of all this is realizing that I put up with a three headed monster: a narc, an alcoholic, and anti-social personality disorder all in one. He was a "vulnerable" narcissist, as opposed to the "grandiose" narcissist I dated 8 months before him. I never thought I would succumb to another narc after the grandiose one, especially because this one was so depressed and full of self loathing. He projected all of that onto me and wore me out. I felt sorry for him because he too was abused as a child, especially by a narc mother. I too came from a family with a narc mother and emotionally unavailable father, but I did not turn out to be abusive.
I am coming out of the fog and working hard on my recovery to finally heal my childhood wounds and continue on the great path toward a narc free life. Thank you all for listening.