My Stepdaughter and My NH, What To Do?

I have a stepdaughter who is 25. My NH and his daughter reunited when she was 16. My relationship with her has always been easy and comfortable from the start. I have grown to refer to her as my other daughter. (I have 1 biological daughter who is 29).

My stepdaughter and my daughter get along like sisters. Before I left my NH his daughter just disappeared out of our lives. She changed her phone number and poof was gone. A year passed and I always wondered what happened. When I would question my NH he would say how disrespectful and ungrateful she was. He did nothing for her for the 1st 16 years of her life. She was raised by a single mom who cut my NH out of her own life completely. (Now I know why).

After I left my NH my daughter called me and told me that my stepdaughter wanted to see me but not if her dad was around. My daughter told her that he was gone, that I had left him. The same day my stepdaughter called and we reunited. She came over to my house, she wanted to see her little brother. (she didn't see him in a year). When I questioned her about why she cut off her father, she said that she was tired of his fantasies. (she spotted the narcissism). I just left it alone and enjoyed my visit with her.

After about 5 months and her visiting often she called me and said that she ran into her father in traffic and he stopped the car in the middle of the street, got out and said that it has been long enough and demanded her phone number. She said that he caught her off guard so she gave it to him. She was very upset.

I just told her please don't talk about me to him and don't let him talk about me to her. She said that she understand and that was that. Then she called about 4 days later and told me that he has been texting her everyday all day since she saw him. She seemed very annoyed and I just laughed it off. I kind of pulled away because I didn't want to be in the middle and I did not want to break NC. She and I would text about twice a week just to say hello.

Yesterday I was relaxing at home and she texted me and said ma it's me ,this is my new phone number lock it in your phone. She also said that she would be coming to the house later that evening. She came and we had a good time and she just blurted out. "I will never, ever give him my phone number again". And she said she never answered any of his texts and she is done with him. I feel bad for her but I don't know where I fit in all of this. I love her like my own child but I feel guilty because she feels this way about her dad and she and I have a wonderful relationship.

Should I continue my relationship with her?

He also told her that he was going through a divorce (no one filed yet) But she knows the truth already.

mystwoman's picture

I think if you want to see her and she wants to see you, do it. I still see xnh's youngest daughter. I've been NC with xnh for 7 months now. This daughter and I were always close, and I just decided that xnh was not going to cheat me out of a relationship I value. She works at a local restaurant where I like to eat frequently. So I go see her there for lunch occasionally, and we talk to each other other on Facebook, send jokes to each other, etc. We don't talk about xnh or her hideous P sister (whom I do not want any relationship with). This youngest step-daughter is 18 years old now. We've always had a relationship that is "ours". Even when I was married to xnh, her and I would go off to the movies or spend the day completely without xnh and his horrible oldest daughter. The way I feel about it, is that this youngest daughter and I never needed xnh's involvement before to interact with each other. He certainly doesn't need to be anywhere in our relationship now. We have a relationship on our own terms.

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

victimnomore's picture

I do want to continue my relationship with her. I was just wondering if it would cause trouble for me but i see your point. I am an adult and should be able to have a relationship with whomever I want!


Anne_'s picture

The question is: what do YOU want? What does SHE want. Screw the N, his influence over you and her is clearly history. Judging on what you wrote, you care about her, and she cares about you. Don't let the Narc come in between the two of you. That's the great thing about NC, you shouldn't worry about what he thinks. My xN has a little girl, that is raised by a single mom as well, he doesn't have much contact with her. He was always dreaming of being able to bond with her when she was older. They just forget that even their children have thoughts of their own.
victimnomore's picture

You are right. Why should i care about the Nh and his feelings. His feelings no longer matter to me!


Briseis's picture

Am I getting this right . . . your reluctance to have much contact with her is because of your fear of your ex? I can certainly understand that :( I guess if you two are careful, this relationship can be a source of comfort to you. Ya can't have too many people who love you :) Also, this is one strong young lady. She can be an inspiration to you. At the same time, I can see how this relationship with her would go against trying to keep him as far away from you as possible.
victimnomore's picture

I guess it is sort of fear of how will he feel once he find out that we still have a great relationship despite her not dealing with him at all. She has gone NC with him over a year ago and I don't even think that she knows what NC is. She is very strong and I look at her like wow! I wish I didn't feel anything for him the way she does. It shouldn't be a problem because both of us are NC with him but I know how jealous and vindictive he can be.


onwithmylife's picture

I would still see her by all means , screw the Narc, keep the friendship that is what is important....
victimnomore's picture

That is what my instincts tell me. She is nothing like her dad


agnesmurphy17's picture

Why stop seeing her? She seems to be loyal & cares for you & your daughter.
victimnomore's picture

She is loyal and I really love her like she's my own. Why am I worried about what he will think when he find out we still have a relationship? F- him