My sarcastic list of what he has given me or not given me. Feel free to add what yours has given or not give you.

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#1 Sep 29 - 8PM

Happy1

My sarcastic list of what he has given me or not given me. Feel free to add what yours has given or not give you.

He's given me great pimples from stress (I'm a teenager all over again)
He's given me great criticism on how I clean my house
He's given me a great weight loss program because I'm down 10 pounds thanks to knowing him.
He's given me new reason to contact my doctor that I never saw for anti depressant meds.
He's given me reason to contact a therapist to try and break away from him.
He's helped so I have no friends or family that talk to me now because I've isolated myself from the world.
He's give me reason to suspect constantly that he's cheating on me and I've caught him at it.
He has helped my trust in people to go downhill so I trust no one now.
He is good at not telling me anything that is going on his life and in return asks me nothing of mine.
He is good at writing his ex-girlfriend who is in another state about all his problems and they give eachother advice. I don't count being his girlfriend or anything. Why would he talk to me?
He has helped me realize I need to do even more research on how to get rid of a narcissist.
He has given me reason to visit my doctor on a few occasions to make sure he hasn't given me anything.
He has given me nothing on Holiday's and I clearly remember the last Valentine's Day were dating and he didn't come over or give me anything.
I remember he was coming over Christmas Day for dinner and I ended up throwing my dinner away because he decided to stay at his ex-wife's house for dinner. He said he didn't want to be rude like that. What a Sweetie!!! Jerk!!!
He's great in bed but an even greater abuser! He's a class act!!!
I think he could be encouraged to write a book on his expertise in abusing because he's so darn good at it!
He's made me forget that I'm a human being with feelings and needs and it's not just all about him!!! HIS DRAMA!!!
Gosh! He's given me so darn much!!! What will I ever do without abuse 24/7?

#2 Oct 2 - 12AM

sweetsamm

gifts

uggs...........................lol,awesome......oh,almost forgot,a kiln,that he ended up using waaaay more than me...omg,totally forgot the kiln is at my parents house,i'm gonna sell it!

#3 Sep 30 - 7PM

TraumaMama

loveofmylife

I am sorry for the identical suffering we have both had to go through. Abuse really sucks, doesn't it? Stay strong! I am doing so much better every day. I REFUSE to be victim and am fighting hard to recover. These idiots don't deserve one more ounce of our energy. Hugs to you!

#4 Sep 30 - 10PM (Reply to #30)

loveofmylife

traumamama

The saddest part is...I don't think N EVER suffered... I dont think he ever "pondered" our relationship. I don't think the demise of our very, very close 23 year relationship impacted him one bit. For many, many years I have thought about him 24 hours/day...and I have always wanted to ask him...."when we are apart", how many MINUTES in the day do you think about me? I'm sure the answer would be depressing. How can our lives be derailed and they have no impact? what about you? do you think your N has suffered at all? And yes, abuse sucks. I never even knew about projecting, mirroring, gaslighting, ambient abuse, passive agressive, dr.jekyl/mr. hyde, emotional rape, or any of these terms meant, until I was 46 years old, experienced it for the first time in my life and googled like crazy to try to figure out what was going on in our relationship...and then, thank god, found this board after googling "dr. Jekyl, Mr Hyde"!

#5 Oct 1 - 12AM (Reply to #31)

TraumaMama

loveofmylife....they don't suffer

The N can't suffer because they don't have the capability to care about others and they lack a moral conscience. They don't "ponder" about us at all. We are no longer supply. I am also in my 40s and after an abusive marriage and a traumatic engagement with two bonafide narcs, I have accepted that I was merely ego fodder. Just replaceable, disposable narc supply to both of them. Both of them took pleasure in announcing that they did not love me at all and that they had just lied and said they did. They suffer when their public image is tarnished (one is a doctor, the other one is a corporate executive). They suffer when they don't have a "trophy woman" for others to admire. They used me. I sacrificed everything for both but it was "all about them." Their careers, their image, their kids, their money, their homes, etc. I was really nothing more to them than a babysitter, cook, maid, and "token blonde." I was betrayed, devalued, and discarded abruptly without even "pondering" how I felt or what the consequences would be for me and my children. They don't care and so they didn't miss me or feel sad. We have both suffered a long time but you know what? We are both still young and have decades left to live, right? We will heal and we will thrive rather than just survive. Let's add "splitting" to your list of abusive narc tactics (the fiancee was a borderline narc-I believe that this is the darkest spirit of all). What a relief to find out that the miserable abuse maneuvers we endured have formal names and are easily identifiable by mental health experts. I can recognize projection, gaslighting, etc. right away now! And what a blessing to find a site where women have experienced identical treatment and suffered the same aftermath and can support each other. No one else understands the massive damage caused by a narcissist. Everyone else just says "get over it" and "move on." We would if we could, right? They not only mess up our heads, our hearts, our finances, our families, but they also attempt to murder our souls. We will not let them have anymore of our lives than what they have taken. Be strong!

#6 Oct 1 - 11PM (Reply to #41)

loveofmylife

amen

amen...yes....I was a victim of splitting as well. it is a relief to find out these weird things we experienced have names that are recognized by trained therapists. Only wished I was educated long ago...it caused so much unidentifiable pain..and therefore serious medical issues. My mind could do nothing by try to decifer mixed messages and try to understand all of the inconsistencies. Trying to analyze everything that was said and what it "really meant". My friends could not understand how "a smart girl" like me could be so in love with someone who they clearly saw was abusing/using me, and could not "get over it" - for years! But I was so brainwashed I couldn't see it.

#7 Oct 2 - 12AM (Reply to #42)

no more

Amen

Unless someone has been under the trance of an N they will NEVER understand what it is like to be that "smart girl" in love with an abuser/user. When I describe some of the things my n would do and say people would look at me with this stunned,eyes, mouth opened look. THere is nothing normal about their behavior as only we are now fortunate enough to know about n behavior from this site. I feel so blessed to have come across it,,,,things do happen for a reason.

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

#8 Oct 1 - 8AM (Reply to #39)

fooled no longer

dear traumamama

your post is so well written and expressed i will quote it and direct those who need clarity to it. you are so right we still have our feelings, a currency they dont understand, with which to start a new life. xxA

#9 Oct 1 - 9PM (Reply to #40)

TraumaMama

ahhhh.....

Thank you! Yes, we have warm, loving hearts and we care about others! This means that we are capable of normal caring relationships with normal people. The narcs can never do this and it makes them resent us-which is probably why they were so mean to us, I think. Oh, well! They are soon to be a distant memory as we move on and never look back, huh? Hugs back :)

#10 Oct 1 - 12AM (Reply to #32)

Susan32

How Ns/Ps suffer...

"They suffer when their public image is tarnished"-The ex-P's emotional abuse of me was VERY public. People don't think highly of men who reduce women to tears in public. People don't think highly of teachers who emotionally abuse their students. He didn't even bother to hide the emotional abuse behind closed doors. "I was betrayed, devalued&discarded abruptly without even 'pondering' how I felt"-My relationship with the ex-P was teacher/student rather than boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. It was incredibly painful... because teachers are in such positions of trust. We don't expect teachers to emotionally betray, as well as D&D their students, or act in ways without regard to their students' feelings. As for Ns/Ps being hurt, yes there are things that DO hurt them- 1)Being reminded of what they've been doing. A poster here said that when she mention she felt used, her ex-N would say he felt offended. The ex-Psychopath professor was the SAME way. 2)Some lack a sense of humor, and can't stand being ridiculed. The ex-P HATED ridicule. So when I broke NC, what have I done? Ridiculed him. 3)Being happy. Without him. The ex-P always acted pained when I was happy. So when I have broken NC, what I have done? Flaunted my happiness. It's possible to hurt them. They have vulnerabilities. My ex-P was paranoid, insecure, afraid of being mocked, and despised my happiness. There are times when I wonder "if I meant NOTHING to him, why did he go to such effort to hurt my feelings?" As for those of you who say "I wouldn't flaunt my happiness before my ex-N/P to hurt him on purpose", I say, DON'T apologize! Ns/Ps have made you apologize enough. This time, if you consciously flaunt your happiness, do it without regrets, without mercy... they have inflicted enough suffering and have expected us to do ALL the apologizing. There are NO more apologies from us to them.

#11 Oct 1 - 9PM (Reply to #36)

TraumaMama

Susan

Professor Pathological sounds like a really sick, crazy man. He is a "LEVEL 900 Offender" (if there really were such a thing). He preyed on you and hurt you so deeply. I am really sorry that he got ahold of you. I think (because these guys are typically "trolling" for supply) that sometimes it is just that we were the unlucky ones in the wrong place at the wrong time and they hook us. I am POSITIVE that this sicko would have done the same thing to anyone (even Miss Universe)as he sounds really perverse. You have posted about him having children. Just pray for those kids. A sick, weird professor dad could really screw up those poor innocent souls forever. We are adults and look what they did to us. I send healthy, healing, peaceful thoughts your way....

#12 Oct 2 - 10AM (Reply to #38)

Susan32

Dangling the carrot...

I KNOW of the ex-P's inability to apologize, and I've used that as ammo against him too. I compared him to my infant nephew, saying just as I can't expect my baby nephew to apologize after screaming all night, so neither can he... because he lacks maturity. Condescending? Yes. Insulting? Yes. But that was the point. He hurt me deeply... he's too cowardly and stupid to apologize... so I use it to torture HIM. To him, my feelings were a joke, so I now treat him as a joke. As someone on another forum said, the only way to deal with psychopaths is to mock them. I think the ex-P is the reason why his father is diabetic. Diabetes can result from stress and lack of sleep. His father had to give up his prestigious teaching job/research to raise his son's kids. The ex-P hurt me deeply, and since he was getting fat when I left.... he owes me a pound of flesh... should I send Shylock to collect it?

#13 Oct 1 - 11PM (Reply to #37)

Susan32

He had male victims too...

I think one of the few things in my FAVOR was that I neither got romantically nor physically involved with him. He also had male victims-the only openly gay professor on campus,as well as a younger male groupie who moved to another state, changed his name, gave up philosophy forever. "A sick weird professor dad"-His parents are living with him, raising his kids. What's bizarre... NO MENTION of the ex-P, a He Who Must Not Be Named. Believe me, when I've broken NC (luckily he has NOT broken it with me, I'm General Sherman to his boundaries going through Atlanta, and he can enter my mind as easily as you can enter North Korea),it has been to taunt him and parade my happiness. I've heard that for Narcs, criticism is a REALLY personal pain. My motto for him as been like the Spartan challenge to Xerxes in "300", "Tonight we dine in Hell!" I know he hates ridicule... so I ridiculed him. I know he hated me being happy.. so I have flaunted my happiness. Instead of wishing him a happy birthday... I used the occasion of his birthday to trumpet the happy announcement of my nephew's birth, and milked the fact that my brother in-law and his father HAVE THE SAME NAME. I mocked that the ONLY difference between my infant nephew and the ex-P is age. Oh yes, I break NC every once in awhile. Some of the ladies here say "I'd NEVER flaunt my happiness to hurt the Narc on purpose." But in retrospect that's what I've done. And I have ZERO remorse. He preyed on me, he hurt me deeply... I will treat him as I wish. I am better than him, and he better FEEL it. I've heard that thinking about the past brings Ns to the verge of mental breakdown... Perhaps his parents have to tell the ex-P "Don't communicate with her. She'll hurt your feelings." (isn't that the advice given here?) I remember how I've broken NC... very few communications were respectful. Some very brief. And oddly, some of them sound like what some of the former victims here get from their Narcs. No regard for his feelings. No regard for his boundaries. Flaunting newfound happiness to cause pain. I've done those. When I sent the letter comparing him (in an insulting way) to my infant nephew... I was LAUGHING to myself.

#14 Oct 1 - 12AM (Reply to #33)

kiwi10

yes, susan

and this is why i still consinder, even after getting a decent settlement, filing a civil suite for the abuse. i'm lucky enough to have pictures, unlike so many poor women like you who have had their hearts broken but have no pictures or physical proof of the scars on their hearts. i can make him suffer. he's an attorney. a family law attorney. can you imagine if the papers got a hold of that story??

#15 Oct 1 - 8AM (Reply to #35)

fooled no longer

yes I can imagine, and Im so

yes I can imagine, and Im so glad yiu are allowing yourself to imagine too. Good to see you anger coming back, that means youre a step closer to indiffernce. That your goal and target, glad to help you reach it. The happiness is just right there. keep dreaming and get angry whenever you need to. xxxA

#16 Oct 1 - 1AM (Reply to #34)

Susan32

A suggestion

At the time, one of my friends (she's in Colorado) suggested that I DID have grounds to file for emotional abuse, under the law it's "intentional infliction of emotional harm." You also have evidence of physical abuse. The PICTURES. As for me, there's only that Rate My Professor website. I wouldn't put anything up about the ex-P about it, but I could simply put up his name. People can use pseudonyms for their reviews. In the past decade, I doubt he HASN'T emotionally abused students. In my case, he left an openly gay professor AND one of his younger male groupies emotionally scarred. So I'm not just a "woman scorned." Sheesh, when I looked at my college bulletin and saw he had gotten grant $$$, I was tempted to tell him, "Congratulations on the grant money for your lecture. What a great achievement. Sounds like philosophers must be giving good blow jobs these days." (yeah, it sounds like something a NARC would say--the irony)

#17 Sep 30 - 2PM

Qing Yuan

sorry... deletd my post

sorry... deletd my post because being beaten senseless is so much more worse than the weird spending spree antics of my ex narc. I feel bad for posting now.. about how he bought me this expensive shit and expensive that shit and actually, even though he was foul manipulative freak scared shitless of being abandoned narc, its still not as bad what most of you have been thru. and some of you lived your whole life with these guys.. wasted ,any more years than I did, lost so much more than I have... (mind you he hasnt finished me with me yet, so we shall see.. Still married after all) I am currrently making posters for him, to sell all the shitty crap he spent all his money on... Sorry anyway... x

#18 Oct 1 - 12AM (Reply to #27)

NancyM

Qing Yuan

Please do not apologize that your experience was not BAD enough to qualify to have your say. Being with a Narc IS bad enough, full stop. If your Narc, and as some others have said, spent money on keeping or making you dependent on him, then it is just another tactic that they use to keep you under control. They use so many tricks, and when tested to be tried and true, they will always use them. If the next GF finds something wrong with it, then she will cop it, because it worked for him with others. It does not make you luckier than others that yours used slightly different tactics, because the mindf*^k is all the same. Some have spent lifetimes with these psychos, and some of us went from one to another, all the while thinking it was us with the problem. It does not make your own experience any less credible. My only wish would have been to find out all this info sooner. That is why this board is so good, in that us who have been on repeat for so long, can help to educate and warn the younger ones that life does not have to be this way. Violence can be horrific in these situations, but if we get out alive and in one piece, it is still not as devastating as what happens to our heads. Only speaking for myself here, but bruises fade quickly, it is the brain frying that is truly destructive.

Nevergoback

#19 Oct 1 - 6AM (Reply to #28)

Qing Yuan

Thanks nancy! I felt bad

Thanks nancy! I felt bad botching about the dumb stuff he did to appear like a good person! It was a mind fuk! Everytime I tried to leave or told him unuff was enuff, he wud go mad on a credit card! Even last Christmas was weird! He bought loads of expensive gifts for me and for our son!! It was rediculous! And almost embarassing! He has wrecked my life on so many ways! But i still thank him!! The fact that he is and was the worst mostvnarcissituc nsn I av ever been, it quickly esculayed out of control, it has taught mesons very massive life lessons! I'm getting stronger and I've become so aware of issues I didn't know existed in my own pysche! I'm not glad I met him, nor do I rejoice in it, but I love the person I have become! I don't spend hours obsessinh about my body image, I am a better listener and have better social skills, because I don't want to ever be like him!!! So meeting him showed me how NOT 2 b! Poor social skills, low to non existent empathy, bad manners, agrressive, heavy handed, clumsy way if treating people, self obsessed, obstructive personality, argumetitive and obnoxious!!! All twits I do my upp most to not emulate!!! So yea, thanks narc, for being the worst bloke I've ever loved! U gave me this deep heartache, that led to me this board, to healing deep past hurts and to making meaningful connections with other amazing woman and to saving myself from even worse fates! Nancy ur words are always so supportive! You are indeed a angel! X

#20 Sep 30 - 11AM

Susan32

Thanks, teacher!

-Fear of being around others, lest I'm "imposing" on them -Fear of reaching out for help, lest I come across as "needy" -Not being as trusting -Bringing out my sadistic side. Ex-Psych professor, you're the only person whose feelings I'd gladly hurt ON PURPOSE. I know your vulnerabilities. I know you hate being ridiculed- so I will ridicule you. -Afraid of discussing my own needs -PTSD -Painful memories -Intense feelings of rejection Makes me want to leave a worm-filled apple on his desk(!)

#21 Sep 30 - 10AM

mystwoman

My xnh gave me: - The

My xnh gave me: - The knowledge that I was lower in status in my own marriage (according to N) than virtually everyone else on the planet. I was told I was lower in importance than him, his mommy, his kids, his "friends", his dog, and his enema bottle. - Enlightenment that I am "just the wife". Actually now, I'm "just not married to him any longer". :) - Lessons in the English language. I had not known until my xn that "you f*cking c*nt", b*tch, and "stupid whore" are terms of endearment. Somehow I'd always thought they were nasty names. Silly me! - That "fine" feeling of his attentions when he gently "tossed" his cell phone at me. Never mind that the couch was six feet long, his "toss" was aimed in the exact spot where I was sitting, and his arm was cocked fully back for the "toss". If I remember correctly, he was using some of those terms of endearment listed above. - The gentle, warm feelings of the bruises on my body where he "held" my arms and face while he was calling me terms of endearment, and the spit was flying out of his mouth like my basset hound. - The need for therapy for myself, and marriage counseling twice, because I somehow did not believe that N and his children are the epicenter of the universe. I had gotten the idea into my head that MY feelings, wants, and needs were just as important as theirs. - That warm fuzzy feeling night after night, crying myself to sleep because he just LOVED to attack me right at bedtime. I, also, completely enjoyed the feeling of sleep deprivation in the mornings after his tender bedtime encounters. - Waking up in the mornings with my eyes swollen from crying myself to sleep, and getting to practice my lying skills by telling everyone that asked that my "allergies" were really bad. - The gentle, loving emotions of seeing his cell phone bill right before he D&D'd me, and knowing that he'd called his girlfriend on my birthday, and then told me that he was late coming home that day because of "work". N said that I should just be happy that he showed up at all. I, also, liked the 151 texts out, 271 texts incoming, and 14 pictures that month on his bill between him and her because they were "just friends". How SPECIAL! Barf. - The experience of living with N's "charming" sociopathic daughter that has severe drug, employment (fired SEVEN times so far), pregnancy, and gang problems. In addition, n showed me that you really DON'T have to be a parent to your children. You can merely do like him, enable them repeatedly, and make excuses for everything they to do. Then you can just "pretend" nothing's ever happened, and your children are "just perfect". Everything that happens is someone else's fault. Always. If you don't parent your kids for long enough, the welfare system eventually pays them money, and the rest of society has to support them. This then frees up your money to buy things for yourself like cars, motorized toys, and ATV's. N, also, showed me that you can just re-write history to suit your needs in ALL aspects of your life...and I'd always thought that reality and dealing with your problems was the BEST way. lol. - The constant stress in my life, year after year, that has made my autoimmune and other health problems ever so much worse...some of it permanently. And MOST of all, N gave me the knowledge that the love in our relationship was all about him. I loved him, and he loves him, too. When he told me he didn't love me, he gave me the freedom to throw his nasty a$$ out the door, and divorce him. Now my greatest gift from N will be his absence from my new life, and my happy future without him. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#22 Sep 30 - 8PM (Reply to #24)

shortway

Lessons in the English

Lessons in the English language. I had not known until my xn that "you f*cking c*nt", b*tch, and "stupid whore" are terms of endearment. Somehow I'd always thought they were nasty names. Silly me.... Same here!

#23 Sep 30 - 3AM

helldweller

What they give

My ex husband always says he's going to go over to the narc's house with a bill for everything: -the $1400 lawn I bought for "our" house -the $900 courtroom sketches of him I had done for him for our first Christmas. -the thousands of dollars worth of clothing I bought for his foster child -the $10,000 worth of food and drink I've fed him -the babysitters I had to hire to take my kids out so he could come over and have sex because I wasn't allowed in his house -the hospital bills -the therapy bills -the prescriptions -the bills for all the gym memberships and exercise equipment I bought to try to get back in shape but didn't have the time to use because I could do nothing but think about him -the new couch -the new rug

#24 Sep 30 - 3AM

helldweller

What they give

#25 Sep 30 - 3AM

helldweller

what he's given

Gosh, this thread makes me so angry, sad, incredulous all at the same time. It's awful, isn't it? Some things that stood out from your lists, especially: -the way they have their heart-to-heart talks with ex girlfriends but never us. Mine talked to his ex fiancee every day since he dumped her twenty years ago. I found out after three years together that she still didn't know I even existed. -the way they lead us to question everything about ourselves and everything we believe -yes, mine, too got me damn close to having my children taken away from me. There were even times when I felt I should actually give them up as I myself no longer thought I was a decent mother. -giving us a reason to believe people actually go to Hell. I never, ever thought I would believe this. I thought everyone was forgiven in the end. I honestly don't know at this point if that's true. My belief was based on the conviction that, in the end, everyone is sorry and so that gains forgiveness from God, but I honestly don't think this guy is even going to be sorry on his death bed. Sorry for what? A couple of years ago my church was having a reconciliation service during Lent and I invited him. He actually came AND he actually went in and gave him confession to the priest. I just remembered this. It seems so bizarre to me now. Why would he do that of all things? Why not just come to Mass once or something? What did he say? I would give anything to know. Boggles my mind, now. He probably just made stuff up, like we did when we were kids and couldn't think of anything to say. -

#26 Sep 30 - 3AM

ewa

I got iPod, mobile phone and

I got iPod, mobile phone and big headache from mine : )))

#27 Sep 29 - 11PM

michele115 (not verified)

HEY! Being one to stir up the pot...

Let's instead focus on what we are gaining from this experience... Okay, well maybe my list isn't that long YET...but I will get there. OKAY HERE's ONE: He has forced me to find this board where I have had the opportunity to meet a large number of beautiful, strong, dynamic, sexy, emotionally available, supportive, vivacious women whom without such, I would not have been able to make the slow but steady progress I've been making. He's also forced me to take an in-depth inventory of myself AND...He's led me to the path of discovering the journey that I was meant to take but have put off and fearfully avoided He's given me courage...in return I will give him the opportunity to kiss my A$$! Hugs!

#28 Sep 29 - 9PM

helldweller

Happy1

I can just say ditto to your whole list, except that on Christmas he stayed at a politician's house. Pretty much the same as an ex wife

#29 Sep 29 - 9PM

helldweller

Happy1

I can just say ditto to your whole list, except that on Christmas he stayed at a politician's house. Pretty much the same as an ex wife

#30 Sep 29 - 9PM

shortway

He's giving me 1-A

He's giving me 1-A complex 2-anxiety disorder 3-frozen-stuck mentality 4-Nothing for my birthday when my whole family gave giftcards 5-a headache 6-reason to believe he is a narc 7-reason to believe he is a drugg addict 8-reason to think he is the most mentally deranged person on the person 9-reason to almost lose my new dream job 10-embarrassment in front of my family at the dinner table when talking down to me 11-embarrassment in public places with his temper 12-reason to look in the mirror and question my life 13-a broken spirit 14-a reason to think people will actually go to hell 15-he has given me nothing 16he has given me a bill at a restaurant/spa to pay for 17-he's given me a reason to cover for him always with my family 18-he's given me a reason to want to go there and wait for him to come out so i can deliver a KO to him in person.:)..

#31 Sep 29 - 9PM

not-an-idiot

He's given me a complex over

He's given me a complex over every emotion I feel, my body image, how I raise my son, take care of my bills and home. He has not given me the gifts I was promised. He has given me suspicion based on his shady actions. He has helped me give up on my dreams of the future. He has been great at belittling and murdering my self-esteem.

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