my phone conversation with narc

so he called to discuss the moving in thing.
and, of course, in spite of what an asshole he was I was nice to him!
i'm such an idiot. we talked for a long time and he admited 'i know i messed up a lot and i'm sorry'.
ugh. then he said some shit about me being jealous and i told him, if you don't want your next chick to be jealous, don't cheat look at porn and reject her. you are 44... learn
'yup, i'm over the hill'
ugh. i found myself giving him supply. didn't make me feel bad, but i know it was bad. and i'm annoyed that i did it. i feel like its the only way to have peace.
i can't seem to get and stay mad at this freaking man. i swear to god, i feel like i'm going to die loving him nomatter how SHITTY he was to me. why, for the life of me we can have a decent conversation NOW, is beyond my comprehension.
i still tried to talk him out of moving in, but he said 'his financial obligations make it so that he has to'.
i did go out on a date tonight. not really a date, just a friendly one. and i like him, but he doesnt say all the right things, hes not as handsome, he's kind of nerdy and ackward. oh we'll, i guess....
why is it so hard to stay mad at them? i want to kill him one second, then i'm over it. he said 'he was working through HIS anger'. WTF? i even asked him what the hell he was mad at me for?? all i did to him was try to love him.....
ok, i know it was bad... what can i do to keep my sanity until i can move out? can i just be friendly and corgial? i told him he was not to ask me for favors or abuse me while we lived together and he agreed.
should i just try to ignore him or what? can i be 'friendly' with him?

MsVulcan500's picture

It's hard to talk to narcs and stay mad at them. They know just what to say to get us back where they want us. And as you're talking to him and saying just what he wants to hear, you are thinking, "What the hell am I saying, why am I doing this?" But like everyone here is saying, it's like heroin, you can't stop. This is why NC is so important. If we are not talking to them, we are not telling them the things they want to hear. We are not giving them our power. And the whole moving back in thing is just way too scary for words. I am very afraid that if you live with him again you probably will not survive emotionally, and maybe not physically either. I am very afraid for your life.
Briseis's picture

From all of the feedback you've gotten here, and all the stuff you've read . . . what do YOU think you should do?
better off's picture

Yes... take a minute and think it out. What do you really think you should do? Also, and Briseis touched on this on a different thread... about the "being bad." I think it would help if you started to talk to yourself with different words. Everyone here MAKES MISTAKES. That's why we're here, lol. And, actually all human beings make mistakes. Please start trying to see mistakes as mistakes. "I made a mistake when speaking to him (or by speaking to him)." Not, I'm bad, it was bad, this is bad, I feel bad... You are you and you seem like a good person to me... you are just confused about life and insecure about yourself...so you tend to make mistakes in dealing with others. Mistakes are to be learned from. Making a mistake does not make you a bad person.
wholeagain's picture

"Being bad" is a childlike expression, and you need to stop thinking like a little girl. You're a grown woman, and as such we make choices but it's not "being bad". I totally agree with Better Off that talking to yourself differently is important. I'll third the question of the day: what do you think you should do, given all you know, all you've told us, what he was capable of doing to you in the past? If you were advising me in the same situation, what would you say?
kiwi10's picture

that was illuminating. whenever i talk to him, all my feelings of wanting his love kind of flood over me. it really sucks. i finally slepy last night, but i kept thinking about how he said he never loved me. i even said soemthing to him on the phone about it, he didn't even deny it. he said he was trying to get over HIS bitterness and rage... at me... WTF? i told him anger was where he lived, not a stage of his grief. nobody told me at the time he never loved me. he said he did every day. he said he never loved teh x before me that he pined over for a year, or his first wife... only me... i was the love of his life. i'm just reeling from that. its so disgusting. if someone like him didn;t love me, what does that make me? ok, i'll stop calling myself bad. today i'll try to act like a grown up all day. i don't know why i equate being coddled with love, but i guess i do.
Briseis's picture

So what do you think you should do? Stop and get quiet and remember, out of your own head, what you've been given here as advice and feedback. This is not a get it wrong and you flunk kind of question :D LOL!! I know it kind of puts you on the spot, hon. I'm just hoping to grease the gears of your "taking care of yourself" machine :) Each of us get advice/feedback, and we put it together in our heads in a certain, personal way. THat's why there's no right or wrong.