My Personal Warning Signs I Ignored. Don't ignore yours.

I've been finding so much help here, reading everyone's entries and comments. I read a few where women are wondering if their ex really is an N or not or fighting the thoughts of missing him. I'm in that space myself, still, trying to remain strong and go back to NC.

To help myself, and hopefully someone else, I was hoping to post the red flags I ignored at the start of our relationship, before he started ignoring me, using me, and verbally abusing me. Some of these match Lisa's Red Flags from her podcast but all of them are things I should've noticed but was "too swept away" to do so.

1. He offered exactly what was missing in my previous relationships.

It was as if he'd studied me, which it turns out he had. He read up on my blog, my Facebook, my twitter and knew exactly what I was wanting in life and not getting. It was confirmed when we had our first beer together and I stupidly opened up immediately about details of my life. **Do not open up immediately to a stranger however cute and flattering he might be** People talk about online stalkers but nobody thinks how manipulative it can actually be used. He knew the magic promises to make to get me to question my relationships and put faith in a virtual future of him right away.

2. He was jealous and possessive nearly immediately.

He went from loving my "social butterfly" personality to telling me I was a whore who talked to too many men and was looking for attention outside of healthy relationships. He used that to prove he could be all the attention I needed. He said I was hurting and lonely and he promised to provide me with love and care. He would meet all my needs, I did not have to go out with friends or talk to anyone online. And if I did, he would get so jealous and angry, he would speak at me with such venom I would physically shrink.

3. I was never "available" enough for him.

If I had a meeting, turned off my phone, was taking care of my children, or with a friend, I would get accused of "not being there" for him. He would text or call dozens of times wanting to know what I was doing because he had [fill in some fake immediate need]. I spent a weekend with girlfriends in California at a conference early on in the relationship and left my phone in the hotel room. When we returned, there were a myriad of texts, finally the last one "you suck." My girlfriend said she didn't' like how he spoke to me but I dismissed it. He gave me an excuse that I don't understand his sarcasm on text but my instinct knew otherwise.

4. He took up all my time

If I WAS available for him "enough", it was nothing less than always. I would have to talk to him on the phone or text him constantly. I couldn't have an hour with my friends without him "needing" something. He told me he just wanted to be sure I was safe, was just taking care of me, etc, but it was overwhelming and obtrusive. I tried to tell myself I had always wanted someone to be so interested in my every breath that it was ok. **IT IS NOT OK**

5. I had to account for my time

If I was busy at work, he would need to know exactly what I was doing. Once I had a deadline and was working diligently on it (for him!) and had a doctor's appointment. I ran in to a friend at the coffee shop by my doctor and chatted for ten minutes. When I mentioned this he glared, "You keep saying you have to work and don't have enough time for me, why would you make time for someone else? I should be your priority!" I explained I hadn't PLANNED to run in to her, it was a ten minute talk. He was so pouty after this he went off to a bar alone to prove something to me.

6. He changed my reality (Gaslighting)

Early Early on he told me (after those beers) I kept saying I wanted to kiss him. I remember wondering why I would've said that because I hadn't thought that at the time. I was interested in a friendship. I didn't even WANT to be with him. But he kept saying things like this to me, how I was doing such and such or saying such and such. He kept telling me how pretty I was, how I was everything he ever wanted, how lonely he was. He would change what I said to him and I actually believed it. It was so subtle at first but eventually I came to trust him more than myself.

7. He changed the subject if I didn't "get over it" fast enough

I swear this man could give himself an erection on demand. He would say things like, "Oh, I love how your lip quivers" when we were fighting and then show me his erection. It was a ploy to get me distracted on the fact he was just rude/selfish/jealous/mean to me. He would kiss me and reroute my thinking to find him attractive. If this didn't work, he'd cry and become the victim. (Never tell a man you know they're playing a victim. I once, stupidly, said this and caught hell for it.) He would tell me how I was being "too sensitive" and "get over it faster" because I was just "not being positive enough."

8. He was extremely inconsistent.

He would say I don't take care of him enough but then say nobody has ever been as nice to him as I was. He would tell me all his woman woes while telling me how different I was from other women. He would make excuses for past relationships, saying his ex abused him (this is a huge warning sign alone!) and that she was cruel to him and when he would make snide, derogatory remarks to me it was "because it rubbed on off him" and "he would change." The next minute he would be in love with me again but inevitably I would do something wrong, or not meet an expectation, and he would say, suddenly, "You're two different people and I don't think I can trust you!"

9. I felt crazy and was not happy and didn't listen to my own truth.

The biggest mistake I made was not listening to my own inner voice. I knew, very very early on, this guy was trouble. I did NOT want to be with him. But I felt bad for him and he knew how to get to me. I'm convinced I was brainwashed because after a year I held no semblance to my "usual" self. I was another person entirely, someone who was suicidal, unhappy, and with no self esteem without checking in with "him" first. It was exactly what he wanted: Me, working directly with him and not having a shred of confidence to be my own person. It took a year and the entire time, if I had a moment alone (which was rare) I would sit and cry and say over and over, "I do not want this I do not want this". But I did not listen to myself and listened to him instead. This is my biggest regret.

I hope you can add your own warning signs. I needed to write this to remind myself how I ended up with such an asshole and let myself have the freedom to NOT DESIRE him anymore. It's sick, twisted, and scary that I still reach out to him or sometimes long for the "nothing" he was, as I read here today from another post. Hopefully this can help someone else get out before they become a "nothing" of themselves, too.