My Narcs idea of Love??

This is just something that's been stuck in my head. The last "argument" we had was after the major D&D which consisted of gaslighting to the extreme. He promised to never hurt me or do anything like that again but the last argument he called me a bitch, said FU, when I tried explaining myself he told me to shuuuuuut uuuuuuppp and said "poor, poor you". He proceeded to tell me how much he was loving what was happening during the final D&D and then said but oh not really. I sat frozen in fear, he paced all around the place with evil in his eyes. When I told him he was never ever going to speak to me or treat me like that again, he said "who the hell are you to tell me what I am or I am not going to do. But here's the thing, the next day he asked if I still loved him. I said I did. He says, Oh really, even after all of that you still love me, wow, I guess you must really, really love me to have put up with all of that. REALLY?? So the more abuse I take, the more proof to him that I love him. I realized that it was me, I confirmed to him that he could continue abusing me and I would still love him and be there for more if he so chose. The more I went back the more I confirmed to him that what he was doing was okay with me! He's loving this and I'm suffering over and over again.

I've been NC 2 weeks, 6 days. This has been such a ride! The ups the downs the backwards and forwards. The light is creeping in slowly and even though it's painful, I know I'm going in the right direction. LOVE does not equal ABUSE, CONTACT does equal PAIN.