My Narcissist has a Major RAGE Problem!

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#1 Jun 30 - 8AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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My Narcissist has a Major RAGE Problem!

I just found this forum yesterday and just lurked looking for a topic on abusive, ragefull or violent Narcs.

I have such a long story, so I will be as brief as possible. I've been married to Meanie for 10 years as of last March. It is my second marriage, his first. He had many girlfriends prior to me, but never lived with them full time, just weekends.

I knew he had a temper, but never had it directed at me till my 30th birthday and 3 years of marriage. He took me out where I wanted to go and when we got home I was tired and looking to go right to bed. He demanded payment for doing what I wanted to do on my birthday. I was indignant that he wanted "paid". That's what started the fight and it escalated to the point that he actually flipped me off and screamed what normally goes with the gesture. He meant it too.

That was when everything changed. I was knocked off my pedistal that night and never treated the same afterwards. All down hill from that point.

He's a classic narc. all the normal control issues and passive aggressive tendancies. I think he is possibly bi-polar as well since his moods cycle rapidly. Things got even worse when he got a job as a Supervisor 6 years ago. Everything changes when he got that power.

Anyway about 2 1/2 years ago he started raising his arm or fist in a threatening gesture and the look on his face was teetering on the edge of doing something violent. I sat with bated breath just waiting for it. He backed down on three different occations in a 1 1/2 year period. He would go off on the smallest of infractions.

Once, for example he was throwing the dog toy and I got up to fix the throw rug because the dog had slid across the room on it and I told him not to throw the toy. He whipped it at me when I bent down and it hurt so I was mad because I'd told him to wait to throw it and he threw it AT ME! When I got mad at him and called him out on what he'd done he threw the toy down hard and this time it bounced off the floor onto the coffee table and knocked over a glass candle holder that had a tall stem. When it fell on the floor it broke the stem off. I was mad that his little tempter tantrum now broke something so I said, "Now look what you've done." in a stern tone. He got up grabbed the broken glass candle holder in his fist and stood over me with it in his upraised (trembling) hand ready to smash it into my face. His face was deep red and the veins on his temples where trobbing.

Another time about 6 months later he came home from work and I heard him drop his lunch pail and truck keys on the counter. Right away he started yelling about me not putting away his dishes from the dish washer. It's his chore, I do the laundry as the trade off. I was tired of this same old complaint and just yelled back, "Why don't you just shut up and do your chore?" I heard him grab his car keys and he came running into the living room and had them clenched in his fist with keys protruding from his fisted knuckles like they were a weapon. Again he stood over me ready to strike. I had a bit of guts I guess because when he dropped his hand down and started to turn away I asked why he didn't just hit me. He said because I'd kill you and I'd have to go to prision.

Moving forward to 5 months ago and 1 week. It was January 19th of this year. We went out with some friends and had a few drinks when we got home he wanted play time, but he was being so ruff, it wasn't right and I freaked out and threw him off me and ran into the bathroom. He followed me and started screaming ugly things at me. I went to slap him and he grabbed me by the throat and started to strangle me while both his thumbs dug into the hollow of my throat cutting off my ability to yell. He had me bent over backwards at an impossible angle and was shaking me and screaming into my face I f-ing hate you, you stupid f-ing b1tch! Then he threw me backwards onto the bathroom tile floor where landed on my tail bone. I couldn't sit right for a week and there where two golf ball black and blue bruises on my butt.

I went into hysterics after that. I wanted to leave then, but I wasn't working and had been laid off with no call back date.

Things were actually good, honey moon period I guess for the last 5 months. No name calling, belittling, picking fights, or bad moods.

Then just this last Friday night, this happened. Earlier in the week I’d made plans with a friend to go to B-dubs after work with her. I told Meanie and he planned to join us after he went home and changed. My boss let me off work early so I was able to go home and take a bath and get ready. I looked really cute. I had gotten a new Michael Kors chocolate brown halter-top. The type that has the metal ring in the middle and then has the string going through that and ties around the neck that way, so no cleavage. I wore a pair of white cargo Capri jeans and my Coach wedge sandals that have dark brown straps. The sandals have metallic gold in the fabric and it looked real cute with my plastic beaded brown and gold earrings and matching bracelet. Plus my dark brown purse looked really good with my outfit. I was actually thinking to wear this outfit to the Nofzinger reunion.

When Meanie arrived at B-dubs he was in a good mood and we all were having fun. Then we went to another hangout and then home about 8pm. All was fine until we walked in the door. I’d no sooner plugged my cell phone in to charger than Meanie went off on me about my stripper shoes. They were Coach!! At first I just told him to knock it off and then after I removed my earrings and he grabbed one and ripped it apart and threw it across the kitchen floor. By the look on his face I could tell things were going to go bad (he had that same look on his face the night he strangled me) so I picked up my purse so that I had my car keys. He thought I had something in the purse to hide and that I was going to go meet some guy. He flipped out and started yelling at me and making accusations.

I got mad and started yelling back at him and that’s when he grabbed me by the neck and threw me into the butcher-block table. What happened next was a blur, but in the next few minutes he grabbed me by the neck two more times and ran me into the kitchen counter. By then I was screaming back and so mad and freaked out, I didn’t even care what I was saying. He’d screamed that he hated me and called me a stupid Fing B-tch and said he wished I were dead, (Just like last time). I was screaming back at him when he was getting a dinner plate out of the cupboard. He actually took that plate and shoved it into my neck and see-sawed it hard into the side of my neck, like he wished it was a knife, and he had his other hand on the other side of my neck holding me in place.

I had had enough by then and shoved him off me said I was going to call the cops. He stopped touching me then and stood with his arms crossed and said that I’d shoved him so I’d be in trouble too. I wasn’t too sure how much fabricating he would do so I didn’t call the cops. He was so calm by then, no longer wild with rage. But I screamed at him and told him he ought to just kill me and get it over with if he hated me so much. I also told him that everyone knew what all he’d done to me and that I was going to tell them about this too.

The next morning I discovered a huge bruise on my back, marks on my neck, a broken fingernail and a pair of broken earrings. My back still hurts and is sore.

Amazingly the next morning he acted like nothing had happened. He actually came upstairs and got in bed with me and asked if I wanted to go out for breakfast. He says he doesn’t remember doing anything, but its funny the first thing he did ask me about was me telling everyone everything. I think he’s lying about not remembering because he went and got me Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner like I wanted and then later went and got me a blizzard from DQ without asking me. He never does that. Then of course he makes the comment, “See Chad’s not such a bad guy.”

I'm back to work now and I'm making plans to leave. I've had enough and this is just escalating and getting worse. I believe in his fit of rage he sees only red and will eventually do something bad.

Jul 19 - 4PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You are in a situation that

You are in a situation that, as an investigator, I saw a lot. The things that I would tell you are practical: 1. have a voice activated tape recorder you can buy them at Radio Shack tape his screaming. they don't make any noise and are easy to use 2. Photo bruises and show them to the police and file a report 3. leave 4. if you manage to get any evidence don't keep it in your house. A safety deposit box in a bank is a good place. This sounds crazy but divorcing and seperating from men like this turns into a lie fest and the only way to avoid that is to have solid proof. this started with menacing and is now at a physical stage and that stage only gets worse. there is a condition that occurs especially if alcohol is involved called brain hijacking they only remember parts of the episode of battering, or none at all. Get some counseling on how to deal with the situation while you are still with him. You have no evidence of battering and no witnesses so that it is what the police call 'he said-she said'this is a tough spot to be in but you will get out ok. Keep a 'run' bag hidden in a closet with keys, clothes, things you will need if you have to run. Also have a place that you can go until your plan to leave is in place. Do not move out alone have other people there. You will need to talk to a divorce lawyer and get the paperwork started. If you have a friendly neighbor ask them to call the police if they hear him shouting.
Jul 18 - 11PM
take_too
take_too's picture

Fight or flight?

Hi Jennifer and thank goodness you found this site in time. I agree with all the previous posts and I don't think I can add anything new apart from add my own weight to the seriousness of your situation. To me it seems like you have only two choices or two options when it comes to your relationship with this man. You stay and 'fight', it will be a fight to the death - your death. Or you flee - run and hide and then you will at least have a chance to survive. Run, run, run, as Barbara has written - run for your life. I also strongly support the opinions which suggest you let as many people as possible know what is actually going on.... friends, family, the police. Yes, file a police report, get a violence restraining order. Not only does this psychopath need to be away from you, he needs to be locked away from all of society. I don't think it really matters if he is bi-polar, a narcissist, a sociopath or a full on psychopath. He is an obvious danger to society because of the way he behaves. If you had got pictures of your bruises and other injuries, that would have added indisputable evidence, but if you didn't don't worry. If anyone else is reading this who finds themselves in a situation with visible injuries from an attack from their abuser....... find the strength to take some pictures, or get someone you trust to do it for you. I know it can be hard, there is shame, guilt, disgust and the urge to just sink into denial and hope the nightmare stops soon.... that's fine, but take the photos anyway. Of course you don't deserve to be treated this way, but neither does anyone else, no one is safe while this creature in on the loose. I like to use metaphors to put situations which have got bent out of shape by emotions, back into a more realistic perspective. Your narcissist is really a starving, wild, instinct-driven animal. He used to seem cute, fluffy and oh! so adorable, but now he has reverted to his real nature and you are his current prey. He is loose on the streets, he's had a taste of your blood and he's hungry to finish his meal... nothing you can do will stop him. He will devour you and spit out your bones, mangled jewelery and lovely shoes. That is unless he doesn't keep them to lure his next victim with. (not your bones, when they start to annoy him with their smell, they will be thrown in the nearest dumpster on his way somewhere else, while mumbling to himself about how you always were too lazy to clean up after yourself, he wont make a special trip to clean up... he shouldn't even have to clean up anyway.) (My ex N gave me re-cycled lingerie at the start of our relationship and his replacement for me (new victim) inherited the diamond earrings he bought for me while showing off to his associates during one of his conference trips. He got them back off me by stealing them back one at a time and letting me think I had lost them and being angry with me for being so careless.) Sorry to be so graphic... but these are the kinds of images which came to me as I was reading your post. Please let us know how you are doing.... use this site as one of your life lines and hang onto it tightly as you climb to safety.
Jul 18 - 9PM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome Jennifer5565

I'm back to work now and I'm making plans to leave. I've had enough and this is just escalating and getting worse. I believe in his fit of rage he sees only red and will eventually do something bad. Again Welcome and I do hope you keep this promise to yourself. Whenever we are in an abusive relationship and don't to something to stop the abuse we in fact condo it giving our abuser the wrong message. So again Jennifer5565 keep this promise to yourself for no one has the right to abuse us. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 18 - 6PM
delce02 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

New member

I just went thru what Jenn when thru only mine didn't work at all for the 4yrs we were together....I am empty, numb and sooooo happy to find this site....I kicked him out yesterday....and now want to heal....police inv etc etc not easy, but I feel I have done the right thing...so shocking to see someone else mention 2 key pts. It was always "my fault" and acted like nothing happened and can control it around other people....makes ya CRAZY! I am not young...in my early 50's takes me a long time to learn I guess....
Jul 18 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

delce02

Welcome delce02, I so glad you were able to find this site. One thing I enjoy so much about this site is how it gives other members a chance to vent learn and then find links on understanding the disorder. Of course we then are able to go on and heal. Lisa has done a great service with her book and site. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jun 30 - 2PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jennifer5565

First of all, welcome to our group. I'm so glad you found us. I am so sorry for what this man has put you through. He's a monster. You must be terrified living with him. Please get out as fast as you can. Like Barbara said, this man is a psychopath! He is very dangerous and I am extremely concerned about you. Copy and paste what you have just written here and e-mail it to someone so these incidents are formally documented. File a police report immediately. I am so glad you are working again and can get out. Are you putting plans in place to leave right now?
Jun 30 - 11AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wow!

YES!!! If he's not home, pack a truck with all your stuff and get the hell out of there before he kills you. Keep us posted!
Jun 30 - 9AM
Worndown (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Get Out Immediately

He is a psychotic. Please leave now and without his knowing if you can. You are definitely at risk of being killed. His actions are escalating with every episode. Call someone you can trust and get out of there now! I'm very scared for you reading this. Please, please go and don't look back.
Jun 30 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

run run run

OMG - he's not N - he's a PSYCHOPATH. A Narcissistic PSYCHOPATH! The mood cycling can happen in Psychopaths. Here's how to tell: BiPolars can NOT hide their behavior around others - at all. It is obvious to EVERYONE a bipolar has a problem. Socio/Psychopaths CAN hide their behavior around others and seem very charming. ~~~~~~~~~ Get out now. Pack your things, take important papers and get out. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (http://www.ndvh.org/) and get out. File a POLICE REPORT for assault and have him arrested. That will also buy you some time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 30 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
Marie
Marie's picture

Jennifer

All I can say get as quickly as you can. When I was in my early 20s I was such a spineless simp and put up with so much crap. That relationship was much like yours. He treated me like an absolute princess the first two years, the greatest most generous guy. Then after the two years it began to change he also became involved with drugs which made it worse. Can't remember what the argument was about but it was from that argument on the treatment of me got worse and worse. I remember I was on the phone with a friend begging them to come pick me up and he shoved me hard slamming me into the wall. This guy was 6'5" 200 something pounds and I'm 5'0" 110. He did the usual apology crying thing and I stupidly stayed putting up with verbal and physical abuse on and off the next 3 years. One time he held a razor blade to my wrist and the last time he choked me so hard I almost blacked out. Had I not kicked him I'm sure he would have killed me. I left in the middle of the night and never went back. You have to do the same there is no fixing a situation like this. Once they start abusing it escalates it never stops. Please for your safety leave him before something truly terrible happens.
Jul 18 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Maire

You are so right! Also to note is many times it begins as verbal abuse but can escalate to physical abuse if the abuser feels their control is being questioned or threaten by the victim. So if one is being verbally abuse now, harsh words can quickly become physical quickly and unexpectedly. So please don't tolerate verbal abuse but instead challenge it and then see how your abuser reacts. His/her reactions will be a tall tale sigh what else you might expect to happen next. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/