My Narc has never tried to hoover me - that's a good thing, right?

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#1 Nov 6 - 3AM

NarcJunkie

My Narc has never tried to hoover me - that's a good thing, right?

I know it's silly, but reading all the hoover stories here I realize he has never tried to come back even once since the D&D 9 months ago... and sometimes this makes me feel like, well... I'm not even good enough to be hoovered.
It's irrational and I want to slap myself in the face when I feel that way, but this is still one of the hardest parts for me to accept: that in his eyes I was just some totally random fling (despite being his "best friend")... that his girlfriend of 10 yrs and his OW now are more important to him than I ever was.
He has tried to hoover his ex to get some compassion when he was feeling low recently. And he's still terrified that he might lose her completely as a backup source. But all he ever did with me was go for lunch 3 months ago - and this was only after I had repeatedly asked him to go for a coffee and because he wanted to boast to me about his great new job offer.
Obviously I can't build my self-esteem on how valuable I am to a Narc, I know that... but it still hurts to accept that he really just used me and I meant NOTHING to him.

I figure the reasons he never came to hoover may be:

- Things are still rosy with the OW and he is drowning in supply

- We still had to see each other every day at work until recently which provided him with supply whenever he saw I still cared ( I only went full NC about 5 weeks ago )

- I think he's scared of me or loathes me because I know him for what he is and have repeatedly confronted him over it. His ex doesn't know he cheated on her so there's a chance she might take him back and OW is totally oblivious to everything - th

He might come back to hoover one day, if I end up with job connections or info that he needs, but that's about the only scenario I can imagine.
Do they ALWAYS come back at some point? And should I simply be grateful that he never tried?

#2 Nov 7 - 6AM

onwithmylife

narcjunkie

when he dumped me off and on years ago, he would come back to hoover and i got sucked in every time, recently by surprise, we ran into each other at a store and he would not talk or ask how i was, nothing, and he ran faster than a jack rabbit, his mask was off and he must know i know who he really is otherwise why not spend a few mins and talk with me, after us not seeing each other for 3 years? scared, frightened, little toddler angry at his mother.

#3 Nov 7 - 4AM

NarcJunkie

Thank you all for your support :)

It's true, he knows that I see through him and the only way he can handle that is by pushing me away and blaming me for everything. Last time we "talked" I asked him to just catch his breath for a second and try to remember last summer when we were close and things were good. I thought it might calm him down and shift his perspective, but he couldn't do it. He can't see the good anymore. Things are either black or white for him. I guess the reason he has to get so aggressive is that he feels threatened, simple as that. He can't appreciate the fact that there is a person out there who knows him without his mask on and is still trying to be kind to him. On the contrary, I have become the enemy. Things have been getting better for me since I went NC, but I still feel this huge disappointment sometimes. I am truly disappointed in him as a person... I thought he was a good and honorable man, but he's not and he knows it... and he knows that I've understood that now, so I've become useless, a threat even. I get it, of course. They use us as a mirror - and who wants to look in a mirror and see nothing but disappointment and sadness?

#4 Nov 6 - 7PM

Deidre40

Let me help you see this a

Let me help you see this a little differently. It's entirely possible, that he realizes you won't feed his ego anymore. So, there's just nothing 'left' in you, to return to. He realizes YOU WON'T LET HIM USE YOU ANYMORE. They will only hoover, if they 'sense' that they might still have a shot at using you again. The others? They'll let him use them. Be thankful he hasn't hoovered. I realize it might hurt, but if you truly view it like this, you'll be able to get past it all quicker. And it is true. I'm not just telling you something fluffy to get you past this. Honestly, this is how they think. They only hoover, if they have even the slightest inkling that the old supply will allow them to stomp on them s'more. ;) Sad, but true. I was hoovered. And trust me. It didn't feel 'good' to know that he wanted to see if he could use me some more.

#5 Nov 6 - 7PM

bumblebee

Mine hasn't really hoovered.

Mine hasn't really hoovered. He only did a couple pitiful attempts AFTER I broke NC one night. I completely know how you feel and for me, I think it's a pride thing. My thought process is something like, I know I'm a great catch and I had treated him so well... how could he NOT want to come after me?? Yet, if I really believed I was so good, why was I with him and let him treat me so badly for so long. Sorry - that's a bit of a tangent... I've decided it's a good thing - because you know what? If I'm honest with myself, if he did hoover - right now, where I'm at in my recovery, I don't think I'd stand a chance... So yes, it's a good thing. Stay strong! BB

#6 Nov 6 - 1PM

Journey

I completely understand your

I completely understand your hurt, having not been hoovered either. The simple truth is that they don't care and hoovering does not mean they do. It only means they still want supply from us and it is never about us or our worth as people. Supply to them is totally interchangeable. Don't let his lack of hoover create feelings in you of not being worthy of one. If anything, I agree with others... take it as a compliment. For whatever reason he stays away, be glad in so doing it does not prolong your pain and confusion because if he did come back, it would. In order to ease the hurt I feel about it, I tell myself the reason my exN stays away is because he actually cares about me as much as it is possible for him to care and so he would rather use and hurt others instead. Most likely a lie, but that perspective does seem to help a little. Saying that, I don't want to trigger any of you that DO get hoovered - we all know narcs really don't care about any of us when it really matters... hoover or not.

Journey on...

#7 Nov 6 - 9AM

dulcinea441

Take it as a compliment -- he

Take it as a compliment -- he no longer sees you as his doormat.

#8 Nov 6 - 9AM

Victim-no-more

I had a relationship with

I had a relationship with another N previous to the one i'm currently trying to recover from. I knew he was using me and I wrote him a dear john letter ending things. Afterwards,i sent him a text saying, I hope theres no hard feelings but u left me no choice. He responded. "no hard feelings, goodbye" and he never contacted me again. He went directly into another relationship. He used me and plain and simply did not care. He had supply to replace me with and still does. I will never hear from him again and dont care, I find him repulsive now. They are users with no emotions. But some will not hoover as a form of revenge or silent treatment. Like a punishment. This is what is going on with my latest one. Im just glad ive educated myself. U dont want a hoover, it will only f-ck with your mind and cause pain,be thankful!

#9 Nov 6 - 9AM

Sea

U are strong and clear

U are strong and clear minded. They will avoid u as they are unlikely to reap any NS. They are very lazy creature. To optimise what little time and attention they have, they will choose only those most likely to yield maximum NS. I have never been hoovered. Not once he said he wants me back ever. I know exactly how u feel. It hurts very much i know. But take heart that its because u are strong and they avoid u. To them giving attention is not about the women, its just supply. Once u move pass that u will not feel that invalidation anymore. Hugs

#10 Nov 6 - 7AM

Winter

It is neither a good nor a

It is neither a good nor a bad thing, it is plain neutral. It has nothing to do with us, with our worth. I have been hovered, so what? Does it make me feel any better? Absolutely no. I am not saying worst, nope. That is why I am saying it is neutral. This is a small and insignificant detail compare to the big picture of the entire relationship. We all were not respected, not loved, not cared for in the relationship with them. What difference does it make weather they hover or not afterwards? There are so many factors which can influence their hovering: being low on supply, being “proud”, choosing a different tactic, being lazy or a bit more "consious", you name it. I will never include in this list the strength or the reality of the feelings they had for us. And we all feel the same regardless the fact of being hovered or not. Love Winter

#11 Nov 6 - 7AM

ruby01 (not verified)

I don't know

what the final straw was for you, but in my case it was a phone conversation where his reply to me saying, "We've been together for over a decade and I feel like I've only scratched the surface. I wish I knew what goes on inside that head of yours.", was, "I'm going to be brutally honest with you. I only call you when I'm really F---ing horny.", and hung up on me. How could he possibly call me again. They cut off their nose to spite their face. Be glad. He's not going to risk injury calling someone he knows isn't going to kiss his azz anymore.

#12 Nov 7 - 4AM (Reply to #6)

empath

ruby

Reading your post makes me want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug. What an unmanly thing to say, and definitely meant to be sadistically cruel. How nice of him to project his true worth by trying to define yours. You're right...he definitely did you a favor with that comment, and he cant ever come back now. God bless you in your narc-free life!

#13 Nov 7 - 4AM (Reply to #7)

NarcJunkie

It really is unbelievable what jerks they are!

And how long it takes us to understand and to accept that. It's almost like they're punishing themselves: here we are, loyal and loving partners who refuse to give up on them and yet they keep hurting and insulting us again and again, until we finally do drop them - which is precisely the thing they're afraid of: abandonment.

#14 Nov 6 - 5AM

Puzzle

I feel exactly the same as

I feel exactly the same as you Narjunkie. I was never really hoovered except for a few miserable texts and it has been 6 months. I'll catch myself in moments like driving to work where I get pangs of sadness that he never did hoover. Of course I would tell him to fuck off if he did and he most likely knows this....but it still hurts. We put years and effort into these souless people and they don't even care to see if we are still alive or how we are doing. We cease to exist. I heard from friends that my ex won his position again in a high paid role at the school I used to work at. It annoys me that his life just keeps on no karma attached, but mine seems to be constantly challenged. Some people are just blessed no matter how much of a prick they are. I hear where you are coming from. It hurts me because he hoovered his ex and kept in contact and she cheated on him! He would email her, text, kept her as a contact on facebook. On the other hand I never hear from him and was deleted from facebook. I also never cheated on him or treated him like she did. Yet she bestowed with respect and I was never allowed to bad mouth her, yet I'm just trash to discard. I think they know we understand what they are. They know they can't fool us anymore. Let's be honest Narcs are notoriously lazy....especially when they know their investment in contact will reap no return. Still I understand how much it hurts. I feel it too. Hugs xo

#15 Nov 6 - 5AM

Soldier Girl

Hoovering is only Ever about control

He knows your strong and hoovering most definately does not mean they care about whom so ever they Hoover not in the least !!!!! .... Just supply to get some money sex or an ego boost and to laugh at us at how stupid they think we are for falling for they're bs and being duped by them ..that's how they get their kicks ! .. never was about us and never ever will be ! It's all about them they are a just a lie from begining to end . So getting hoovered does not make you special quite the opposite in fact !

#16 Nov 6 - 4AM

newbegginings

Same

I think i am stuck in getting over all this, is because I want to be hoovered. How sick and sad is that! I know it is futile, I know he is bad news and bad for me. I know it all becuase I have been here for two months. Somehow, we want some validation, feeling that in the end, you were nothing is the most HORRIBLE thing to feel. It reduces your self esteem and self worth. I guess you really don't know how the ow and girlfriend are being treated either, we just assume its better than our treatment...but how can that be? These guys, don't know how to do the nice guy thing...if they did...we wouldn't be here would we? You are great, worth it, lovable, and interesting, to a normal, loving ,caring and normal person. Don't ever forget that. timtam

#17 Nov 6 - 4AM

jackguy

He probably just knows you see through him

My exn hasn't tried to Hoover me & I think it's mainly because she senses that I see right through her. She's tried indirectly but once you reflect the reality of who they are back to them you become very unattractive in their eyes. And frightening to them. Your worth, value, attractiveness is in no way reflected in anything he does or doesn't do or in anything he says or doesn't say. These are profoundly sick people who live in delusional worlds.

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