My N won't leave me alone

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#1 Jan 4 - 10AM
Happy1
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My N won't leave me alone

He wont leave me alone and I'm wearing down. I'm doing my best but he is non stop and I'm afraid of myself right now. I'm afraid I'm too nice. I'm afraid I will cave. I know I'm supposed to be strong but this is very hard. I didn't expect him to keep going and he is.

Jan 4 - 2PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I love him and this is all

I love him and this is all so unfair!!!!!!!!!!! Why not just leave me in peace and I am in so much pain today!
Jan 4 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

He is a Narc and won't leave

He is a Narc and won't leave you in peace. Instead, you have to make it so you control your own peace. As much as possible in this world. Do you really love him? The man who put you through all this? Or is it more of a trauma bond, Happy? Trauma bonds "feel" like love, while you are in one. But let me tell you, when you get some serious NC, it doesn't LOOK like love. How can you love someone who put you and your son through such misery? On purpose? Over and over again? I believe you truly loved him at first, but it stops being love when the abuse you endured screws with your head and you have to keep getting rid of him over and over again. Until you block his emails, calls and texts, he's going to keep coming in and bothering you. He will not leave you in any peace until you set those boundaries, hon. If you don't set those boundaries, you are just letting him come back in and re-injure you :(
Jan 4 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Briseis

Unfortunately, I cannot do anything at work to block him. I know I shouldn't read the notes and I have been. I believe it's trauma bonding but my heart says I love him. It's very hard to do this and keep smiling at work. I'm crying as soon as I leave and spent last evening in bed by 7:00 crying my eyes out from the pain. I know this isn't anything new to everyone here and I know you have had it worse, but I am so horribly sensitive and my feelings are on my sleeve. I will continue on but I feel like hell each day now and I feel he's not going anywhere until I cave in. I am afraid of my feelings B. I'm scared.
Jan 4 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Don't be scared, Be scared

Don't be scared, Be scared if you would have said I do. I told you call me, instead.He will go away. You must continue NC. He is playing. You will start at ground zero if you make contact. I know it hurts. I really do. Happy be Happy I hate these Narcs today. Idealk
Jan 4 - 1PM
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

{{{happy}}} I am sorry this

{{{happy}}} I am sorry this is happening in your life. You seem like such a wonderful woman. I echo the others. Imagine, you have a rewind button. Press it. Ok...remember all of that chaos he put you through? Is that remotely love? Flickers of niceness is not love. True love doesn't look like what we have been through. Like he is a drug to you...you say. You are one to him. They just want the supply we provide. It hurts, but that is true. That said...now, imagine you have a fast forward button. Press it. What does the future look like? More like the past? Most likely...that's what it will be. Because you love him, this is hard. But, you can still love him and be NC. And frankly? This is starting to look like harassment...I'd get a restraining order if you are concerned for your safety. {{hugs}} Do the right thing...and stay NC. I have to tell myself this today...
Jan 4 - 12PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Unfortunately when I went

Unfortunately when I went NC, my desire to be "too nice" and "caving" with xnh was among the reasons why I blocked xnh from every form of communication I could find. I wanted NC so that I could move on with my life, and it came down to ME to find ways to enforce it. These narcs won't leave you alone until you FORCE them. You're potential NS, in whatever form your narc thinks he can get from you. Do yourself some favors. Block your narc from your phones, changed emails where you can, and sent his messages to junk mail where can't (in the case of work emails you can't delete). Remove him from your contact lists on your cell and all online accounts, and delete any messages from him. Do not allow him to come to your home. In my case, I had to go so far as to tell a mutual friend that I was going to call the police on xnh the next time he came to my house. You can also get a restraining order, if he persists. Change your patterns as much as you can so that you don't "bump into him" while you're out and about. If he speaks to you, ignore him. Don't respond to him at all (in any form of communication). You may need to warn your narc ONCE. You want NO MORE CONTACT with him ever. Period. Don't repeat this to him, if he tries contact again. Just enforce NC. In my case (and it sounds like it may apply in yours), the ONE time I warned xnh, I told him, "YOU dumped me. I'm done. We're NOT friends. I want NO MORE CONTACT with you ever again." Then I walked away. I said no more to him, and I allowed him no more contact. It is really hard to do. As in your case, this a person I truly loved. It is very hard for me to be this way to someone that I love. However, what the narc feels for you is NOT love. It's about control. As long as you allow him, he will torment you and suck you for supply. Unfortunately, it's up to you to stop him. Eliminating all forms of him contacting you is the way to enforce this. NC is for you. It's not about the narc. It is up to YOU to "lay down the law" with them or they'll NEVER quit. If the narc will not stop contacting you, you must take away his ability. These boundaries have to be enforced by us, or WE will never be rid of the narc. Trust me, I know. My xnh's first wife has been contacted constantly by xnh since he D&D'd her. She's never enforced NC. They've been divorced for 17 YEARS. At that distance in the future, I have NO intention of still having any contact with xnh. I deserve better than xnh abusing me whenever he feels. Thus, NC. Stay strong and keep your chin up. Your life is worth so much more than having a narc torturing you whenever he wishes. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jan 4 - 12PM
DitchHisAss
DitchHisAss's picture

Happy1

Be wise - Be Smart - Be Well - Be You! If I may suggest - write a long list of all the horrible things you have endured and stick the list in your wallet or someplace you can refer to it easily. Use it to refresh your memory and reaffirm why you are not with this fool to begin with. Stay Strong!!

Be wise - Be Smart - Be Well - Be You!

Jan 4 - 11AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

Don't Don't Don't cave! Mine leaves notes on my car saying "Baby girl" all the time. Just put a memory in your head of how he really is and train yourself to flip to it. The very last day he was with the OW and blew me off I came home from work at midnight and he and his brother came home and walked by me outside the house. I flipped him off and they both laughed at me. Two weeks later I found out about everything. I put the image of him laughing with his brother in my head and I try to remember that.
Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

thanks helldweller

I am doing my best to do the same. It's very hard to do this when the turn all nice nice and be what we wanted them to be all along. They start acting HUMAN.. I know it's an act but my feelings are real and that's what's hard. My feelings are strong and real. Thank you!
Jan 4 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Happy, this is the last

Happy, this is the last thing from acting "human". Him turning all nice nice is DIABOLICAL. It's demonic. And yes yes, your feelings are real and strong. So take those feelings AWAY from that evil man, keep your feelings safe from him. Do what you must so he cannot contact you. This is YOUR life. You wouldn't just let anyone come and start taking your clothes off. You don't just let anyone come and crawl all up inside your head either. Keep him out!! Block every possible way you can to keep him out of your head as well.
Jan 4 - 11AM
Jean
Jean's picture

oh, I feel your pain

Given how brief & shallow & relatively minor my experience was with N, and STILL I have trouble ignoring him . . . I totally get it. It really is like a drug you have to stay completely away from. One little taste and your brain will go back to that happy, wistful, numb place. He's not nice, he's not kind, he's not helpful, he's not generous. In that way, he's like heroin or meth or any other nasty little drug you can think of. This board helps with recovery, which is why you come here. He hates himself and wants to ruin anything good out of envy and jealousy. He is programmed that way. I wish I could be more helpful, because I understand it's one thing to say the words. Try visualizing a giant STOP sign whenever you think you might cave.
Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Jean

Yes, it is an addiction and I'm very addicted to this stupid N so it's hard to stay away from him. I love him and I just have wanted his love in return.
Jan 4 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

He's like a dog begging for

He's like a dog begging for food from the table. Every time you cave the dog comes back for more food. Turn the phone OFF! You may need to change the number. He is a freak! Dont continue to live your life like this! You deserve better. Once you respond he wins! How competitive r u? 1 for u, 0 for Narc! Be strong! I can't find u on FB! If you have the urge call me instead! Oxox
Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

idealk

You are very true and I do have a very stubborn streak in me. He is just wearing me down. 8-) I am also friends with Betty on facebook. Can you find from her friend list?
Jan 4 - 10AM
victimnomore
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Happy1

Please stay strong. My NH came back after 2 years and promised me the moon. When i gave in he was worse than ever. He spent thousands of dollars and hurt me very badly. Please go NC I know that it is hard but they never change and only get worse. Huggs and prayers!

victimnomore

Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

victimnomore

Thank you. It's good to hear this. Please keep me in your prayers to stay strong.