My N Never Flaunted OW and Didn't Use FB

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#1 May 18 - 2PM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

My N Never Flaunted OW and Didn't Use FB

I know for sure ex BF has NPD, guess they come in all shapes and sizes but when I read about others there seem to be very few like mine out there????

He was the humble, charming, charasmatic type, very smart, very successful, very generous...but manipulative and led a double life. Most of the others on here seem to have their men flaunt their women, etc. but mine never ever did (deny deny deny) but instead would call me crazy when I found out about all the women he kept in touch with. Funny thing also, when he was with me, phone was off, never to be seen. But when I suspected something was up, tables turned, I couldn't reach him for hours. This way, it makes you seem like you are the most important thing because he has only YOU on his mind....another way to fuck the mind up making you think you are the only one etc. But he was a liar, cheater, sex addict, acted like he was a teen (but I thought it was a midlife crisis due to divorce etc)but also wanted beautiful women to accompany and would buy me anything related to appearance. And he was not a fan of FB, was on there were very few friends, but would never friend me...hmmm wonder why. But I'm not on there very much either, good thing from the stuff I've been reading on here, just not a good thing.

May 20 - 10AM
helldweller
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two or three or four of a kind?

Oh yeah! The other women were secretive too! There is NO photo of the main one anywhere online, even though she is on facebook and is a successful graphic designer. No info about her at all. Her business website is one page that was put up four years ago! It makes me insane! The other women are nowhere to be found online either, and none of them would even verify to me the TOWN they lived in. Like literally, "You live in Glen Ellyn or some suburb near there, right?" (which I found out by googling her number) and she said, "or somewhere near there, maybe."I was like: "What is the big freaking secret with all of you people?" You're not that big of a deal!
May 20 - 10AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Lisa87

My narc was also very quiet, polite, successful and NOT on facebook or anywhere else public. It's so weird: even though he is at ten fundraisers and events every week as a judge, when you google him there is nothing but newspaper articles about his cases. No photos of him at a golf outing or an ABA dinner or anything; no articles about the charity events he works at. Last year the principal at our kids' school was retiring and it was a huge deal because it's a very political position in Chicago especialy. There were camera crews at school who were interviewing parents about it and he literally shoved me in front of him when a reporter approached him. He would NOT talk to her. Very, very, very private. I keep waiting to hear my old neighbors talk about him bringing another woman over but nope. I don't think he will ever bring a woman to his house. Hell, he had one for twenty years who no one ever saw and one who FURNISHED his new house but wasn't allowed inside or even within a few blocks of the house. Ever. So, so private. And yes, I was crazy when I asked about them all. "You're so dramatic," he'd say. "They are from backgrounds like mine and don't do drama. I'd be so embarrassed if you went into one of your tantrums around them." Nice, right? Turned out he was f*cking all of them.
May 20 - 10AM (Reply to #20)
Used
Used's picture

camera crews

he couldnt afford to be photographed?, that wood bring to many out of the wood work, tiger woods started off beign with one women when it all came out there were women coming out from every where,at the last count it was 17/18 women.they have a reason for every thing,and a narc not wanting to be photographed doing good deeds. very suspect.
May 20 - 10AM (Reply to #21)
Lisa87
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they stay in the dark

part of the mystery, and his women were in different parts of the country, would never have 2 in the same town. I was the close one and the others were somewhere else. Just don't know how these women stayed around or what he told them, or even when he saw them cause we were together all the time. I guess they can make it work if they want to, evil SOB
May 19 - 1PM
Susan32
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He doesn't use FB. At all.

The ex-Psych prof is waaay too paranoid for Facebook/Myspace. True, those sites are breeding grounds for garden variety Narcs, and great places for NS... but he had MAJOR delusions. When I found one of his essays on the internet, he talked about being "all over the internet" (he isn't), claimed it was a violation of privacy(?)... he acted the same way some Ns/Ps do when they're confronted about being on eHarmony or Match.com. He was *FURIOUS.* Since this essay is on the internet for free, he wove an elaborate conspiracy theory that I was printing it, selling it, mocking it with my pals... NONE of it was true. (It's called "Wittgenstein, Tolstoy and the Meaning of Life", feel free to violate him) I told him if he feared that students would read his essays without paying, he should get published. Ever since the final D&D, he's been published. Now it costs about $30 to read his articles. He is too afraid of exposure, IMHO. There are PLENTY of references to his father on the internet, however. There are LOTS of mentions of his parents raising his kids... as if his kids were orphaned.
May 19 - 7AM
momoya
momoya's picture

*

The whole relationship started because I deleted him as a friend on FB! I can't believe it! I did the right thing then and should never of apologized if that hurt his feeelings. He took that really hard and that is how we started to talk again. But we never became FB friends after connecting, everyone thought that was super weird but I didn't because I always thought FB was stupid.!

momoya

May 18 - 8PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Mine is incredibly secretive

Mine is incredibly secretive on FB. He has hundreds of friends - because the more FB friends he has, the better he looks, right? - and I know for a fact he's on there every single day, but on the rare occasion he ever posts anything to his own wall, it only stays up a couple days before he takes it down. If he's tagged in anyone's photos, he'll usually untag himself. Some people's postings to his wall will stay, but most get deleted. On one occasion, he went back and scoured his wall clean all the way back to postings from two years ago. After he walked out of my life, I saw one or two comments to postings on his wall from his new floozy, comments that made it pretty clear they were cozy, and he'd deleted those a day or two later (while leaving the original posts and other people's comments - at least until everything came down at once as usual). Other times, he's commented on people's posts to his wall and then deleted his own comments. It's really strange. I wondered about it even when we were together, but I guess it all comes down to his image - he looks like a super-popular guy with all those friends, but NO ONE can see what he's all about. This way, no one knows who he's dating, no one knows all the women he's juggling, no one knows what an a**hole he is, and everyone can pretend he's who they want him to be. Interestingly, the woman he used to triangulate with me - the "psycho bitch" he couldn't stand but who he talked to and hung out with every single day - is even more secretive than he is on her FB. Two of a kind?
May 19 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
JMi
JMi's picture

Haha Mandy M!! 'the woman he

Haha Mandy M!! 'the woman he used to triangulate me with - the 'psycho' bitch' he couldn't stand but who he talked to and hung out with every single day - is even more secretive than he is on her FB. Two of a kind? Ditto!!! My N is currently living with the 'psycho' SHE told our friends they are 'soulmates' and he agrees too Well guess what.........so do i!!
May 18 - 8PM
Steph
Steph's picture

I think there is certainly

I think there is certainly many different "flavours" of the narc. Some flaunt and some don't. Some are more calculated and see that you still may be a future source of supply....so they don't want to advertise their "new gals", just in case. They still want to appear "good" in your eyes. Others, don't think that far ahead and advertise the new gal just to make you feel jealous. Narcs may present themselves differently; some are more calculated than others, some are more immature than others.....but ultimaltely....their CORE personalilty is the same.....they ONLY care about THEMSELVES, everthing they do...is for THEMSELVES.
May 18 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

flavors

Yes well put, didn't advertise any women because he wanted to appear good in my eyes and the eyes of every woman around him. i just want him to be punished and wish I could expose him to the other women.........just wish I had a clue.....
May 20 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
Bitter-sweet
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Hi Lisa87- mine was just like

Hi Lisa87- mine was just like yours (same personality traits). Also always switched his phone off when I was with him. No FB page. Denied ever having had other affairs but all the time my instincts were that he had OW. The main reason was that he lied so effortlessly. My jaw dropped when he told a receptionist a long, elaborate story about why we wanted a room in the afternoon... and tried to get me to join in. I saw his capacity for a double life then. He totally enjoyed telling that lie and it just came out so naturally... and it was completely pointless! My instincts about him proved just right. Don't worry, any woman he is involved with will have her eyes opened to his true character eventually. His punishment... the relentless search for someone to fill his empty void. No such person exists. The awful search is lifelong and the void gets deeper.
May 20 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
terri
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Bittersweet

"Don't worry, any woman he is involved with will have her eyes opened to his true character eventually." Those are very true words. And words that (if I had only known) apply to me. I was the next victim to have my "eyes opened" in time. With my eyes WIDE OPEN now, my hindsight is 20/20. In the beginning of the relationship, I had attended a work Christmas party with the N and met many of his colleagues and some people who worked for him. One of those men, a younger guy who I believe was trying to warn me, told me a story. He said that one day the narc and he were working together in the field (pharm sales) and met at a Starbucks in the morning. They were sitting at a table when a woman walked in that narc used to date. Of course, narc goes up to the woman to say hello and she wouldn't even look at him. Apparently, narc tried more than once to get her attention, so she definitely knew he was there. But once she got her coffee, she high-tailed it out of there without even acknowledging narc's presence. This man told me this story in front of narc - and he was sort of rubbing it in saying "wow, you must have really been a prick to her!". Narc was horrified that the story had been told to me. Narc had already told me a story about a divorced woman that he dated whose children were always around because the ex-husband wouldn't take them. Narc even admitted that he complained that they never had time alone together. I think this was probably the same woman. WHY THE HELL didn't I go screaming and running in the other direction at that point? Now, if I see narc with OW out, I'll be ignoring his presence in exactly the same way!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 20 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Thanks bittersweet

Yup mine was a great liar, manipulator and never saw it at the beginning. He lived a double life for years apparently so he was very good at it. He was married for 26 yrs to a smart beautiful successful woman. I hope the new one will see it soon cause he is totally mirroring her life now, traveling from MA to FL every weekend then he can leave on Sunday afternoon and go back to his other life. Guess its working cause she can't check up on him being in another state. That was the end of the end when I started to do that, living 1 mile away, wondering what he was up to when I knew he was up to something (and was right). The NC is hard cause I don't know whats going on in his life..but can't live with the hoovering anymore.
May 18 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
Steph
Steph's picture

Lisa87

You don't need to expose him......he will take care of that himself, eventually. You DO have a clue. You didn't then, but you do now. We all have been there. You are farther ahead than any woman he has now, and any he encounters and cons in the future. Karma will take care of it all. Don't you worry. Just focus on you now. xoxo
May 19 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

thanks SS

Thanks you are right, he will expose himself, just once in a while still have that doubt and wish I knew for sure what goes on in his other relationships....been strong but have weak moments here and there so I come here for my support........and am sooo very thankful for each and every one of you!! He seems to stay in relationships for a while and picks smart successful women so I want to know when this new one will figure him out and dump him but I may never know cause I've been NC for about a month now. And his smart beautiful successful wife stayed married to him for 26 years....don't know how she did it but then again look at Maria Shriver and what she put up with. hugs and kisses to all during one of my weak moments!! I live in Mass and the sun hasn't come out in a very long time, been raining and gloomy every day too.... Lisa
May 18 - 4PM
JMi
JMi's picture

WOW Lisa87 I think its just a

WOW Lisa87 I think its just a case of all shapes and sizes of N and all varying levels My N is from the post you probably read who just revealed his OW on FB Everything you just wrote in that post pretty much sums up him too deny deny deny,lie,cheat,twist,sex addict,wannabe teenager again and image driven - his own being his biggest importance and then that of his new GF who fits in perfectly with his new lease of life - she's a younger,hotter version of me (evryone says) The phone thing is hilarious - i could never EVER get in touch with my N although i knew he always ALWAYS had his phone nearby - he hated answering it to ANYONE How did i know he was cheating - stops leaving his phone on the dressing table and even if he went for a cigerette or to the toilet in the middle of the night - the phone would go too - GUILTY!!! He also began to hide it away and put it on silent - obviously OW was well in our relationship by then! WHen i confronted him he called me crazy.....said i was imagining things and then said he couldn't breathe without me thinking he was up to something......he made me feel like a nagging,moronic piece of shit even tho i only brought this up once and i had every right to be suspicious (afterall he WAS making his move to D&D) WHen i finally cracked into his phone i saw all i needed to see........always trust your gut instinct girls!!!
May 18 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

yup JMi

Same pattern, phone started to go with him, felt the D&D but when I broke it off he didn't want to end things. Then caught him cheating and I took him back, yes stupid!!! But only on a temporary basis so he could get me a job and take me away. Not sure if the OW I caught him cheating with D'd him, he said she would never talk to him again...yes after I caught her in his house, that was his reponse. Me and my kids were living with him temporarily while my house was being built and just moved out a week before. He was making secret calls and I knew something was up. I apparently invaded his space and saw the mask come off so he needed new supply. Wow looking back I had no clue. Wish i could have cracked into his phone, but i probably would have been shocked. Always trust your instincts!! we are smart women!! Like someone said below, rinse, wash, repeat!
May 18 - 4PM
dudette
dudette's picture

Mine either

and many OWs are not even FB friends and he does not have any pics of himself on it, only his bloody bass guitars.... secretive is the right word..... like he has everything password protected, all his stuff in a bag that he carries around at all times and he locks all the rooms in his house... sick weirdo....
May 18 - 4PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Mine doesn't use FB to flaunt

Mine doesn't use FB to flaunt his ow either. Like yours, he is much more secretive about his agenda. When he has been tagged by women in photos he will actually un-tag himself. I see what he does do on FB being all about controlling still, how he appears to his 'friends' and what they think of him AND what he'll let any current supply or potential supply know of him. I've noticed most of his new friends for months now are women - lol. Yes, I still look at his profile at times, but I care so very little now and it helps to reinforce what I know about him being a narc. For me, that reinforcement has been necessary in my recovery since he was so covert in his abuse, manipulation and control. My bff and I actually had a good laugh recently about something he posted :) Even she has begun to see the narc in him without me having to point it out - lol!

Journey on...

May 18 - 3PM
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

washing machine

Yep, mine too. Always denied, denied, denied until I had too much evidence against him and made him feel like shit for lying to me, made him "come clean", and start at ground zero again building trust with a therapist, only to rebuild some trust and then have the cycle repeat. Fill, wash,spin,rinse, spin and..... repeat No wonder I am exhausted, I have been inside a washing machine for 13 years
May 18 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Mine didnt want anyone to

Mine didnt want anyone to know he had OW, that would not have made him look to good. She didnt leave her fiancee though, he got crumbs for a while and then got dumped. I really didnt call him out except to family and close friends. He's an idiot. He sent my daughter a text this weekend to come see him, he wasnt doing so good alone. UHG He never expected the outcome he got. He expected to bring out the new young woman after the smoke settled and be Mr. Big. He would have loved to slap me in the face with that. I thank God for protecting me from that. I will never forget the look on his face when he was tormenting me with the OW. Its his bed and he can lay in it!
May 18 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Oh yeah! I wish he would

Oh yeah! I wish he would find new supply and leave me and my kids alone!