My n contacted me today after two months of NC

I was not expecting for him to contact me, today in the middle of the day at work over IM. I had blocked his emails and phone number and deleted him from IM...but i didnt realize he could still contact me on IM if he hadnt erased me from his list. Anyway all I can say is, its obvious this was about him feeling better about himself. Anything in parenthesis are my comments. Notice how unceremoniously he begins it, and is almost annoyed that I might have ignored an email of his, even though I have every right to. Also notice in the end, even though I tell him I dont beleive a word out of his mouth, he steamrolls me with a bunch of flowery compliments and praises. At some point he even tells me how I feel about him, even if I dont want to "admit" it.
Anyway, the whole exchange was about two minutes long and beause I got sucked into it before I realized I was breaking NC (being partly in shock), I engaged him far more than I should have. After the exchange I hae cried harder than I have a long time, I just wanted to share so you could see how he can come off as so caring, so noble (saving me from him), declaring love, while really saying nothing at all. I put myself through an emotional rollercoaster, and for no reason, he relly doesnt say anything to me that I didnt know already...its not worth it!

him: are you ignoring that email, or are you already on your trip? (if i was ignoring his email, why does he feel he has the right to IM me? How the 2#! did he know i was going on vacation with my family? BTw that is also why I havent been on the board lately)

me: hello? what email (this is where I should have blocked his IM. I screwed up, I know it, i was just in shock I could hear my heart in my ears)

him: i sent an email to your work
me: oh
me: i didnt get it (because I have blocked his email address)
him: oh
me: what is it? (again stupid, but i was in shock not thinking and just freaked out)
him: i just asked if you wanted to talk when you got back from your trip
me: well, I feel that you pretty much let me know where you stand
me: and it hurts
me: but i have accepted it
me: what else is there to say?
me: are you alright? (Bad habit, asking about how he is doing)
him: well
him: yes i am ok
him: its just that we ended so terribly
him: it has hurt me ever since
me: correction *his name*
me: you ended it terribly
him: i just felt like
him: there wasnt relly closure
him: it was wrong
me: i know
him: it pains me to have treated you so
him: i havent slept in 2 months
me: Well
him: for that reason alone
me: so you did read my letter? (I asked because I thought the letter I left for him when I picked up my thing spelled out I never wanted to talk to him again and was working on my own closure, if thats even possible)
him: yes i did
me: Here is the fundamental difference between us
me: i would not have done the same to you.
me: that alone answers alot of questions for me (like you are a freaking N)
me: I have had to search for my own closure
me: since I felt you would not share with me, since you have not
me: in a long time, if ever
me: but I see that you did me the biggest favor to let me go now
me: I have always been straight up with you
him: yes
me: you knew who i was from day one
me: what I offered
him: yes
me: and still you excluded me
me: there is nothing else I could have done to let you know
me: without being true to myself anymore
him: not exactly
him: i included you in almost everything
me: I just know
him: i was not exactly straight with myself in certain ways
him: and you suffered as a result
me: reservations are exactly the things you are supposed to talk to a person about
him: yes i know
him: and that was my mistake
me: yes
him: i am sorry
me: you know how i feel about apologies ( i told him they dont mean sh*t coming from him)
him: yes
him: but i must say this one
me: and i already know you are not always honest with yourself
him: it is real (because usually they aren't? :) )
me: that is why
me: i feel that you are an emotionally dishonest person
me: and I cannot have you in my life
me: even as a freind
me: i dont trust you
him: i understand
him: and i deserve that
him: but it hurts
him: you are the best thing that ever happened to me
me: i know
him: HAHAHAHA (WTF is so funny?)
him: i hope that someday we can be friends again
him: you know i love you (now he is telling me how to feel)
him: i always have
him: i always will
me: i dont think so
me: but
me: i am working on my anger against you for having taken so much from me
me: but it’s what i gave
him: i hope at least i gave you something good
him: i feel klike our time together was excellent
him: i know i made you happy (again with telling me how I feel)
me: no *his name here*
me: i was happy
me: because i am a happy person
him: i know that
him: thats not what i meant
me: I know
him: no one gives another person happiness
him: but
him: i shared many excellent times with you
him: you have said as much
me: well yes (I said that when we were happy and I was unaware he was acting)
me: but
me: i have been spending time with alot of happy couples lately
me: and i can see
me: that as far as i was concerned
me: you were not emotionally avaialable to me
him: hmm
me: and if we were happy
him: at the end yes
him: in the begining that is not so
me: it was because i was putting in alot of effort
me: and thats exhausting
me: one thing i asked of you was to let me know where i stood
me: and you pulled out the rug from under me, again
him: yes
him: i am sorry
him: very well
him: i understand you now
him: i will leave you be
him: know a few things
me: i dont see how you could not have ever
him: i mean where you stand at this moment
me: i have always been straight up with you
him: yes
him: thank you
me: you once said
me: it was your "life's goal to earn my trust"
him: that was true
me: and then to behave as you did
me: is unnacceptable
him: yes
him: thank you (WTF why does he keep thanking me)
me: but
me: I don't need you to valdiate what I know
me: whatever truth you come to
him: i know you dont
me: you will have to find on your own
him: of course
me: i cant tell you its ok
me: or i forgive you
me: i can only say i am trying not to be angry and have no desire to see you face to face again
him: that hurts badly
me: you have been an emotional vampire in my life
him: yes
him: i know
him: i am ashamed
me: you have constantly taken on people as projects and let them go
me: you blur lines
me: and then let them fgo when they are incovienient
me: i should have seen it coming
me: and just like *his ex* (his last girlfriend, he confessed that he took to a wedding and met his family then dumped two weeks later becasue he didnt want to be alone)
me: you had me around as a a prop
him: no *my name*
him: you were never a prop to me
him: that is not true
me: again
me: I see patterns
me: people dont change unless they really work at it
me: you should not have stopped working on it
me: therapy
him: as broken as i may appear to you (so he is not actually broken, I just see it that way because I'm mistaken/bitter/ect)
him: there has never been a second i did not truly love you
him: that will never change
me: that kind of love
me: will only destroy the other person you are with
me: that is why i am glad you are out of my life
him: i know
him: that was my goal (another goal?)
him: i have told you many times
him: i wanted to protect you from me
him: i dont trust myself at times
him: i thought I could make it with you
him: but i failed
him: i am working on it as a result
him: i thank you for everything you have given me
him: i am a better person as a result
him: although you dont admit it now
him: i know that you were happy with me for a while
him: and that i gave you some things
him: i am thankful for that
him: i am sorry to have ever caused you any pain
him: and
me: that doesnt mean anything to me
him: i hope that someday we can be friends
him: i know
me: I dont
him: i will always love you, *my nickname*
him: you are excellent
me: i wont ever trust you to mean what you say to me again
him: ok
me: that is just the way it is
him: very well
him: one last thing
him: your photoshoot was amazing (a photograper took some pictures of me and posted them on facebook, I have defriended him, so a mutual friend must have shown them to him when i was tagged.)
him: you are a beautiful woman inside and out
him: i hope your trip is amazing
him: and that your family are all doing well
him: i love you
him: goodbye
me: goodbye