My n contacted me today after two months of NC
My n contacted me today after two months of NC
I was not expecting for him to contact me, today in the middle of the day at work over IM. I had blocked his emails and phone number and deleted him from IM...but i didnt realize he could still contact me on IM if he hadnt erased me from his list. Anyway all I can say is, its obvious this was about him feeling better about himself. Anything in parenthesis are my comments. Notice how unceremoniously he begins it, and is almost annoyed that I might have ignored an email of his, even though I have every right to. Also notice in the end, even though I tell him I dont beleive a word out of his mouth, he steamrolls me with a bunch of flowery compliments and praises. At some point he even tells me how I feel about him, even if I dont want to "admit" it.
Anyway, the whole exchange was about two minutes long and beause I got sucked into it before I realized I was breaking NC (being partly in shock), I engaged him far more than I should have. After the exchange I hae cried harder than I have a long time, I just wanted to share so you could see how he can come off as so caring, so noble (saving me from him), declaring love, while really saying nothing at all. I put myself through an emotional rollercoaster, and for no reason, he relly doesnt say anything to me that I didnt know already...its not worth it!
him: are you ignoring that email, or are you already on your trip? (if i was ignoring his email, why does he feel he has the right to IM me? How the 2#! did he know i was going on vacation with my family? BTw that is also why I havent been on the board lately)
me: hello? what email (this is where I should have blocked his IM. I screwed up, I know it, i was just in shock I could hear my heart in my ears)
him: i sent an email to your work
me: oh
me: i didnt get it (because I have blocked his email address)
him: oh
me: what is it? (again stupid, but i was in shock not thinking and just freaked out)
him: i just asked if you wanted to talk when you got back from your trip
me: well, I feel that you pretty much let me know where you stand
me: and it hurts
me: but i have accepted it
me: what else is there to say?
me: are you alright? (Bad habit, asking about how he is doing)
him: well
him: yes i am ok
him: its just that we ended so terribly
him: it has hurt me ever since
me: correction *his name*
me: you ended it terribly
him: i just felt like
him: there wasnt relly closure
him: it was wrong
me: i know
him: it pains me to have treated you so
him: i havent slept in 2 months
me: Well
him: for that reason alone
me: so you did read my letter? (I asked because I thought the letter I left for him when I picked up my thing spelled out I never wanted to talk to him again and was working on my own closure, if thats even possible)
him: yes i did
me: Here is the fundamental difference between us
me: i would not have done the same to you.
me: that alone answers alot of questions for me (like you are a freaking N)
me: I have had to search for my own closure
me: since I felt you would not share with me, since you have not
me: in a long time, if ever
me: but I see that you did me the biggest favor to let me go now
me: I have always been straight up with you
him: yes
me: you knew who i was from day one
me: what I offered
him: yes
me: and still you excluded me
me: there is nothing else I could have done to let you know
me: without being true to myself anymore
him: not exactly
him: i included you in almost everything
me: I just know
him: i was not exactly straight with myself in certain ways
him: and you suffered as a result
me: reservations are exactly the things you are supposed to talk to a person about
him: yes i know
him: and that was my mistake
me: yes
him: i am sorry
me: you know how i feel about apologies ( i told him they dont mean sh*t coming from him)
him: yes
him: but i must say this one
me: and i already know you are not always honest with yourself
him: it is real (because usually they aren't? :) )
me: that is why
me: i feel that you are an emotionally dishonest person
me: and I cannot have you in my life
me: even as a freind
me: i dont trust you
him: i understand
him: and i deserve that
him: but it hurts
him: you are the best thing that ever happened to me
me: i know
him: HAHAHAHA (WTF is so funny?)
him: i hope that someday we can be friends again
him: you know i love you (now he is telling me how to feel)
him: i always have
him: i always will
me: i dont think so
me: but
me: i am working on my anger against you for having taken so much from me
me: but it’s what i gave
him: i hope at least i gave you something good
him: i feel klike our time together was excellent
him: i know i made you happy (again with telling me how I feel)
me: no *his name here*
me: i was happy
me: because i am a happy person
him: i know that
him: thats not what i meant
me: I know
him: no one gives another person happiness
him: but
him: i shared many excellent times with you
him: you have said as much
me: well yes (I said that when we were happy and I was unaware he was acting)
me: but
me: i have been spending time with alot of happy couples lately
me: and i can see
me: that as far as i was concerned
me: you were not emotionally avaialable to me
him: hmm
me: and if we were happy
him: at the end yes
him: in the begining that is not so
me: it was because i was putting in alot of effort
me: and thats exhausting
me: one thing i asked of you was to let me know where i stood
me: and you pulled out the rug from under me, again
him: yes
him: i am sorry
him: very well
him: i understand you now
him: i will leave you be
him: know a few things
me: i dont see how you could not have ever
him: i mean where you stand at this moment
me: i have always been straight up with you
him: yes
him: thank you
me: you once said
me: it was your "life's goal to earn my trust"
him: that was true
me: and then to behave as you did
me: is unnacceptable
him: yes
him: thank you (WTF why does he keep thanking me)
me: but
me: I don't need you to valdiate what I know
me: whatever truth you come to
him: i know you dont
me: you will have to find on your own
him: of course
me: i cant tell you its ok
me: or i forgive you
me: i can only say i am trying not to be angry and have no desire to see you face to face again
him: that hurts badly
me: you have been an emotional vampire in my life
him: yes
him: i know
him: i am ashamed
me: you have constantly taken on people as projects and let them go
me: you blur lines
me: and then let them fgo when they are incovienient
me: i should have seen it coming
me: and just like *his ex* (his last girlfriend, he confessed that he took to a wedding and met his family then dumped two weeks later becasue he didnt want to be alone)
me: you had me around as a a prop
him: no *my name*
him: you were never a prop to me
him: that is not true
me: again
me: I see patterns
me: people dont change unless they really work at it
me: you should not have stopped working on it
me: therapy
him: as broken as i may appear to you (so he is not actually broken, I just see it that way because I'm mistaken/bitter/ect)
him: there has never been a second i did not truly love you
him: that will never change
me: that kind of love
me: will only destroy the other person you are with
me: that is why i am glad you are out of my life
him: i know
him: that was my goal (another goal?)
him: i have told you many times
him: i wanted to protect you from me
him: i dont trust myself at times
him: i thought I could make it with you
him: but i failed
him: i am working on it as a result
him: i thank you for everything you have given me
him: i am a better person as a result
him: although you dont admit it now
him: i know that you were happy with me for a while
him: and that i gave you some things
him: i am thankful for that
him: i am sorry to have ever caused you any pain
him: and
me: that doesnt mean anything to me
him: i hope that someday we can be friends
him: i know
me: I dont
him: i will always love you, *my nickname*
him: you are excellent
me: i wont ever trust you to mean what you say to me again
him: ok
me: that is just the way it is
him: very well
him: one last thing
him: your photoshoot was amazing (a photograper took some pictures of me and posted them on facebook, I have defriended him, so a mutual friend must have shown them to him when i was tagged.)
him: you are a beautiful woman inside and out
him: i hope your trip is amazing
him: and that your family are all doing well
him: i love you
him: goodbye
me: goodbye
I always get nervous when I read of contact after....
great little article about apologies that don't mean anything
Mine NEVER apologized
Susan32 - mine never apologized, either
Imperfection? Of course not!
azucar
thanks for your comments
You Are Amazing!!!
"Protecting you from me"
Susan32
azucar
Blocked Barbera
Oh good lord, this could SO
Peace. J
hi janet
Bred in the Bay Area?
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"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"
They're all alike. I had