My Mom the Narc
My Mom the Narc
I'm new to the forum and seeing this forum brings tears to my eyes. Finding a place where I'm hoping I can meet other daughters of a NARC who understand what I've gone through for so many years.
I hope you can be patient with me as I spill my guts and try and make sense of the past 53 years. Yes it's taken me this long to connect the dots, do lot's of research and actually be able to say my mom is not well. Something is terribly wrong. That's a very hard thing for me to do. Verbalize it's true, my mom is a narc, contrary to her belief she's the closest thing to God, she's always right, she's very wise (her words exactly) beautiful and when people stare at her it must be because they see no sin in her face (her words exactly again.)
She's never been a loving mom. I have no memories of that word "love." She always seemed to adore my brother, but I seemed to get under her skin no matter what I did. I'm an empath (I'm learning) All of my life's pain has made me extra sensitive to hurting people. I'm always for the under dog. I'm the fix it girl. Always making everyone else well while I completely fall apart.
I married the carbon copy of my mom. A full blown Narc. That's when I first heard the word. Six years ago he walked out on me without so much as a blink of an eye. Left me for my neighbor, gave up his house, pets, kids, credit, without so much a goodbye or the blink of an eye. I did not see it coming, with the exception that I was his 3rd wife...duh...hello? what the H*ll was I thinking? It almost killed me because I was living in my fantasy world,"thinking" I had the life everyone dreams of. He was such a good liar and fake, it fooled an entire family. With that said, I've spent 6 years working on me. I don't date. I was so screwed up and screwed over. I lost my prince...barf..that's what I thought he was for 11 years of our marriage.
That brings me to finally going way to back to see I actually married the mirror image of my mom.
I've spent my entire life trying to "win" her love. I refer to myself as a Christian woman. I gave my life the the Lord when I was 11. My parents were not Christians, but my mom said she saw something in me she wanted and asked to go to church with me and the neighbor down the street who had been taking me to church.
I noticed my mom had read eyes after church and could see she had been crying. After that she changed drastically. She had a Bible in her hand daily. Always going to church, she stopping drinking, and it became all about her and God.
So much so that nothing in life mattered anymore except her and God. She and my dad divorced over that. He couldn't stand hearing that she no longer needed him because God was her husband now (basically.)
The reason this is important to share is because it's not been until now I've understood that my mom really didn't have a relationship with God. She used Him to be able to incorporate her faith into her narcissism.
She was not able to stand tall, EXTREMELY prideful, always boasting how special she is. She became fixated on everyone praising her as being the absolute woman of God! She once told me she was shopping and this woman was staring at her and she said; "it hit me that she was staring because she saw no sin in my face." I wonder if she saw my eyes pop out of my head.
The problem is I had a Bible too. I read what God's character was. Her behavior gave me so much confusion. Here is a woman always in prayer, Christian t.v., Reading her Bible, guarding her t.v. so no "sinful" shows ever came on, statues of angels everywhere. And oh yes, "God was speaking to her." Giving her words..promises or prophetic words such as....
She would tell me God showed her my last child was going to be a boy. I had a girl. God told her she was moving to Arizona...35 years ago...she still has not moved there....she had me and my kids so convinced she was the modern day Noah that everyone can laugh but in the end she is hearing from God and He will have the last laugh when all these things come true. Not one of them ever have.
Here are some of her comments to me over my life time.
"why parents leave money to their kids is beyond me. I'm spending all mine and enjoy my life and whatever is left it's going to the church."
"having panic attacks in the E.R. in my 20's I called her crying begging her to come see me. "God told me to let go I don't feel like I should come."
needing help with my kids when I was a teenager with 2 babies and no food I asked her to help me she said, "God told me I'm not to help you."
After divorcing an abusive husband, she said, "God did not show her I was to divorce and I better think very carefully before I destroy my life. She stopped talking to me, but when my abusive ex came to her for "his" support, she prepared a beautiful meal for him and told him "my daughter's beauty is a curse."
I tried sending a letter pouring my heart out saying "mom God does not act like this. You are hateful and mean and I don't understand why you are doing this." She replied by saying "thank you for your letters, I don't read them I just throw them in the trash."
When naming my daughter Rebecca and calling her Becca for short she said, "I don't like Becca it's not sweet enough, I'm calling her Becky."
While she was a hot to trot younger woman, she is now short and fat. She is 70 and said to me "I don't wear certain shoes anymore because they are too sexy on my feet and I don't want to encourage men." I about fell on the floor with that one.
She returned my bridal portrait to me saying "I can't put it in my house, your cleavage is showing."
Giving her a photo of her grand daughter at 1 year old in a bunny outfit, she returned it to me. She doesn't celebrate halloween and took offense to it.
Each and every holiday it's ALL about HER. I spend every waking moment making sure my house is spotless, she is comfortable, there is no inappropriate t.v. on, we all are careful at what words we choose, she gets the best seat in the house, I cook to please her the best I can. And she demands we praise her! Then she must say the "blessing" and this is when she wants all of us to look to her as the spiritual head!
When watching a segment of saturday night life her husband was laughing with my adult sons and she became enraged. She screamed at him to get his things they were leaving! And walked out on Christmas eve leaving us all sitting there wondering what just happened. Her husband is a weak, spineless, passive man probably ready for a breakdown who jumps through her hoops.
On numerous occasions she has told him to SHUT UP! when he questioned her forceful ways. He replied, "it's either your way or the highway all the time.
He went on a business trip for 3 months and when he returned he was covered in hives from the stress of returning home. Gee I wonder why! your married to a tyrant!
This brings me to the present around 2009. She came for thanksgiving, I was sick, I had epstein bar virus, chronic fatigue and I let her know cooking was all I could do. I was depressed, still in pain from my divorce and loss of my family unit. She wanted to come a day early and spend the night. I wasn't prepared for that, but I complied like I always do. Cause it's all about her ya know. I had no room and she had to sleep on the huge sectional sofa with her husband. The next day after Thanksgiving I got a call from her that her and her husband decided that it was the last time they were coming back to my house. She said, "so with that said, we won't be coming for Christmas.
That was like a knife in my chest. I had lost everything, I was still grieving. I hated my life. I was in horrible pain, and in my darkest time, my own my decided to never come (an hour and a half from where she lives) ever again. She then mailed my 15 year old daughter (her grand daughter) a letter and said, "grandma is a busy business woman, whenever you get your drivers license you can come see me. I was furious.
I didn't want to let her win with her selfishness. I mailed her a package of small gifts for Christmas. I never heard from her, but I got a card that read. "I guess you don't remember I asked you not to buy me anything! We have no room! Staying home for Christmas this year was the best Christmas ever!!!! (yes she put that many exclamations marks)
That was the beginning of the end for me. She has never come back to my house and we have not talked on the phone for 2 1/2 years.
However, I just got a card from her that read. "Hi, I was wondering if you have the Charlie Chan DVD's I sent you a few years back, I can't find them anymore, and my husband is missing them. Love, mom.
I just laughed. I thought wow. No mention of missing me or your grand kids. No mention that you have not heard my voice in 2 years and what is wrong. No mention of her grand kids. And wait....she's a "Christian" a special one remember?
Talk about needed a therapist! My head has been so confused, I've felt like maybe I'm the crazy one, because I don't care what it looks like to others, in my world, this is NOT a normal, healthy woman. So someone please tell me, is this behavior crazy?
My children are everything to me. I'm sure I go overboard trying to compensate for the insanity I have had and give them a loving, supportive, SAFE environment. My door is always open to them. If they need me I'm there. If they want to talk we do. If we need to cry together we do. I make sure they know they are valued and God has a plan for each of their lives.
I've had to "De-throne" my mom and put God back in his rightful place. I no longer worship her and live in fear of disappointing her. That is an endless battle!
God is a God of love! Peaceful, merciful, He teaches us love is kind, it is not prideful and selfish. I counseled all my kids to get their eyes off her and seek their own relationship with God. She brings too much confusion to all of us.
I know I've written a small library. I'm sorry. I working each day to survive. I did NOT respond to the letter to mail her the DVD's. I've taken a stand to live my life without her. She's so prideful she will never call me or apologize. She is incapable of that. I will not buckle again to come crawling back begging to be loved. Those days are over!
I'm facing a serious neuro surgery on Wed. She is clueless being the distant, self absorbed woman she is. It makes me sick. I have my children and friends to support me and see me through. UGH. So digusting.
thank you to whoever was able to make it through this post and give feedback.. haha... ;)
thank you :)