My mind is doing Magical, Wishful thinking. Denial.

I'm doing this thing that's probably so textbook -- it just surprises me that I'm doing it after getting this far out and away from the EXNP-Psychopath.

I'm doing the "it couldn't have really been that bad" thinking.
I'm doing the "maybe I just made it all up" thinking.

Why is my mind doing this? Is it because-

-it's so awful to be separated from my children that I wish it could be different?
-it could have been so decent, if only HE had been decent?
-it's all so horribly messed up, mixed up and destroyed, that I wish it could be different?
-that it's so terribly sad?
etc.

I will say that I've been fighting, and keeping myself UP for so long, in order to survive the divorce and custody battle -- that now I'm letting myself mourn. Being a part of this forum is Going Into The Sadness -- and letting myself Grieve.

I'm doing Denial. This is how I stayed in my marriage for so long. Denial. Wishful thinking. Sweeping the mess under the rug and going along with it. Suffering. Shutting up. Dreaming.

And part of the reason why I'm able to deny is because I'm so traumatized by dealing with the EXNH-Psychopath that I've gone so NC that I'm not even reading his emails. After the last ones I'm so worn down that just seeing that an email has come in makes my heart lurch. I forwarded it to a friend who reads all the emails -- and she said there was zero content, but nothing particularly irritating either. Of course, all of it is irritating to me.

So without the horrid contact, I can go into Never-Neverland and wish that it was better, nicer. And go to that childhood place of wishes were everything could be patched up, fixed, made right and be a happy ending.

But, of course, there is no magical thinking here. Things are broken. There is no way to repair. There is nothing fixable. The ONLY thing I can control, is me. Mine. My space. And make that lovely and real and clean and safe.