My letter to exN

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#1 Jul 25 - 12PM
alma25
alma25's picture

My letter to exN

Encouraged by the lecture of another letter, I finally decided to write mine. It's very long, sorry but I had to write all these things. I want to post it here to remember.

Dear exN,

I’ve never thought I’m gonna write this letter especially that I’m writing it in English but it’s only one of the surprising things that happened in my life.
It’s been 13 months since I saw you last time but only one month since you contacted me. Do you remember your message that you wrote to me after you left me one more time on my own. I’m sure you don’t. You were writting the same lies and when I was reading it I was wondering if you really think that I’m such an idiot not to remember that you’re just repeating the same old phrases.
To your information: I’m not an idiot and I’m not naïve or stupid. I just loved you. That’s why I wanted so much to believe that your intentions were good. Do you know what love is? I’m sure you don’t.
In the same letter you wrote me that you will never contact me again. You promised but for you what does the promise mean? Nothing. So you broke it. You promised to delete my number. You didn’t. You promised to leave me alone. You didn’t. And I know you won’t leave me alone. Not because you love me. Not because you want me. You just want to have control over me. You know that I can be happy, that I can have a wonderful life without you and you cannot stand it.
You were right. I’m not perfect. I don’t look like a model. Sometimes I have my bad, bad days(remember: that days when I wanted to cry and just need you to hug me and you were telling: Sweetie I see you’re not in a mood so I’ll go now).I can be mad, I can scream but I didn’t deserve all the things you did to me. I was always there for you. When your father was sick, when you couldn’t stand your own family, when you were moving, when you were changing job and I spent two days in a car just to go with you on an interview because you asked me to. I was there when your father died, I was on a commentary, in Church. Always. For me it wasn’t a sacrifice. Nothing I did for you wasn’t a sacrifice. When you love someone, you do everything to make another person happy. You did everything to hurt me. I tried to explain you how it is to love really but your answer was: I’m just like that. I will never change. This time you were right. This one time you were telling the truth.
I remember many things from our past. I remember you being good and I wonder if for a moment it was true. I remember your angry eyes when I just wanted you to be there for me, when I wanted something for me. I remember your mad eyes when I didn’t want to give something you wanted. Your silent treatment. Your cruelty. Your coldness. You threatening to leave me. I felt like a small puppy that wanted some love and care but you kicked me out of the house.
I still remember your promises: about having children, house, wedding, about eternal love. I remember you saying: I’ve changed, I grew up, I will repair everything. A child can grew up not an adult. You should grow up many years ago.
I still remember when you left me, blaming me for destroying everything and happily went on a trip just to come back three months later like never happened and show me your pictures telling: I look so great, don’t you think. That time I thought I was pregnant. I was so scared because I didn’t even now how to contact you.
I remember every time when you were coming back to me. I had to give you so much trust, I had to open my heart one more time to let you in. I was terrified but I believed you, loved you and you couldn’t even respect it. You were breaking my heart and my trust one more time You never were there for me when I needed you. Never.
I could write here many things. What a story. Just for a movie script, don’t you think?
I loved you. It’s true and I cannot change it. I can’t change my past. I loved a bad guy. I made a mistake. A very big mistake but I’m never gonna do that again. I loved someone who think is the best in the world and is a real blessing for every woman in the world and in fact is a liar, a coward, the most pathetic guy I have ever known. I feel sorry for every girl that will fall in love with you.
I know in some time you will write to me again. You’ll not show. As I wrote: you’re a coward. I feel sorry for you. I’ll never respond you. I never knew your name. I don’t hate you. Really but I’ll never forget what you did to me and I’ll never forgive you. I don’t have to. I just don’t want to have someone like you in my life. My life is too precious, too beautiful and full of fantastic people. I don’t want you to be in my beautiful life. Never.
You had your chances. Too many chances and you screw it. Now I want you to disappear. Can you promise me that? Of course you can’t. But I can promise you, I won’t let you in. You know I always keep my promises. I’ll be fine and very happy but you’ll never know it. I won’t let you know nothing about you.

Not anymore Yours,

Alma25

Jul 26 - 11PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Letter

I want to send Alma's letter; it's perfect. Maybe I will copy it and send it to mine when I am stronger. Tonight, after he told me "I'm done" (via text of course), this is what my letter would say: (It's a rant for him, so you guys don't have to read it LOL but I wanted to write it and post it): “I’m done,” you said. Done with what? Done trying to make me your sex slave? Done trying to make me stop questioning anything? Asking for anything? For a date? For you to come to the girls’ birthday parties? For normal intercourse? For a conversation about our future? For a conversation about ANYTHING? For the baby you said you wanted? For your babysitter to speak to me or my children? For the ring you said you wanted to give me? For a key to the house you built “for us?” For a walk some evening? For you to hold my hand? For an invitation to anything in public in front of anyone you know? Are you “done” asking me to “get rid of the girls for the evening” so we can have sex because my ten year old daughter hates you? Are you “done” being exasperated because I don’t believe you spent seven hours “out for pizza” with your brother? Don’t believe you spent ten hours “checking to see if the storm damaged the boat?” Don’t believe “none of the firms had Christmas parties this year, so I couldn’t invite you?” Don’t believe “my son is sick so we can’t come to dinner?” Don’t believe “I’d ask you over but I like your house better?” Don’t believe there is nothing between you and the woman I simply cannot meet, but who you absolutely have to see every week? Don’t believe you don’t still have feelings for your ex-fiance who you talk to every day after twenty years? Are you “done” with me asking why I can’t meet your best friend after four years? Are you “done” with me expecting to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with you? Are you “done” with my little girls wanting to celebrate your foster child’s birthday with him? Are you “done” with them asking why you stopped loving them? Why they aren’t allowed in your house, why you stopped playing with them? Why your brothers don’t speak to them anymore but are your foster child’s “uncles?” Why you are no longer their “Papa” and I’m no longer his “Mama?” Are you “done” with me asking to cook dinner for you? Make you lunch? Give you a massage? Scratch your back? Shower with you? Make love to you? Take you away for the weekend? Have your children? Take care of your foster child? Clean your house? Take you to the doctor? The sleep clinic? The dentist? Are you "done" with me wanting your friends to know you have a girlfriend? Are you “done” with me expecting you to care that my 83 year old mother’s health is failing? That my business is failing? That I have one income, two children, no child support, two bedrooms, one bathroom, one kitchen cabinet, no water pressure, failing fertility and high blood pressure while you live in “our” five bedroom, three bedroom brand new house with your foster child who is living in the room you painted for “our” girls and have free dinners, cocktails, haircuts and babysitting from your babysitter who doesn’t speak to me? Are you “done” with my expecting you to care that my daughters are traumatized by your neglect and abandonment? Are you “done” with my asking you why you went to California for a week with “our” foster child and slept in bed together with him and another woman? Are you “done” with me being upset about your other girlfriends vandalizing my car, ringing my bell at four a.m. and leaving me threatening notes? Are you “done” with me reminding you that you said you loved me, wanted to marry me, wanted to be together forever, loved my daughters, had never been happier, and that everything “will be ok?” What are you "done" with?
Aug 4 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
apple
apple's picture

Wow!!

Amazing!! I LOVED your letter!!! Are you going to send it? I think I remember your story. Isin't he a judge? You are so inspiring to me. Thank You!!! =)
Jul 25 - 11PM
broken23
broken23's picture

this is such a great letter,

this is such a great letter, it says everything one can say, and is really moving. i really admire what you wrote about not hating him, but not wanting him in your beautiful life. im glad to see you feel this way.
Jul 25 - 11PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Alma

Wow, your letter is so powerful and so descriptive - his eyes, his behavior, his broken promises, all of it. I'm so glad you wrote this. I love this: "You had your chances. Too many chances and you screw it. Now I want you to disappear. Can you promise me that? Of course you can’t. But I can promise you, I won’t let you in." Way to go, girl! xoxo
Jul 25 - 10PM
Leah2
Leah2's picture

Alma, Ewa...

Both of these are such powerful letters, especially yours Alma brought tears to my eyes. I could have written those same things, about giving selflessly. Today I wrote to my ex husband, but it was nothing in comparisson to your letter. I wrote out of pain, nit strength. But I also told him that I am ho I am, and I love unconditionally. That is something that we can do and are blessed to be able o do. Meanwhile, they leave destruction wherever they go, and one day it must (by karmic force, no?) come back to them. What a life we lead. But I know that there are many more people out there who have suffered far worse than we have, so we will be fine. Bless you both.
Jul 25 - 2PM
seeingthelight
seeingthelight's picture

Alma, that is a very

Alma, that is a very powerful letter, as I read it I felt the same pain as you have, you are very clear and I think it gets across perfectly what this man has done to you. It seems like we have had a similar pathway, the promises not to contact anymore, deleting the phone numbers, supporting them through bereavement. I know exactly how you feel. Well done for posting this. :-)
Jul 25 - 1PM
ewa
ewa's picture

I am happy you posted it

I am happy you posted it here. Is better then you do not send it, because you would not get the replay which would make you happy. I will post short letter to mine also :): Dear N, It has been 4 weeks since we are NC, and 7 months since we are not sharing the apartment. And i feel so much better. I know you are on the holidays with your OW in the same place we were on holidays together. I do also know that you do not think about me now. And i am happy because you have your supply and you left me alone. I would like to ask you: please do not hurt her but i know you would not listen. I know this girl is going to cry because of you sooner or later. I would like to tell you my exN that i finally see my life from different perspective and i am more then happy that you are away. However i can not stop thinking of you, i think of you everyday. And believe me that it is nothing nice. The only thing i wish now is that you disappear from my head, that i will forget of you and what you did to me, so can fully concentrate on somebody who is worth of my attention. I am not going to forget what you did to me, so do not contact me again. I hope your laptop, xbox and especially your iphone are doing fine. Wishing you all the best, Eva