My Journey To Date

I admit that when I came here I was on a manhunt to figure out what was going on and how I could fix things. I had been programmed that everything bad was my fault and the only way it had possibility to get better was through something I did (or didn't do). I came here looking for answers.

At first I felt relieved that others understood. Man, how surprising that so many had gone through similar experiences. Sometimes I'd read posts and wonder if someone read my diary!

Under all of my reading and researching, again, was my desire to find answers so that I could fix what was going on and go back to what I had grown accustomed to as "normal."

Through days of reading, I realized there is no fix. I cannot change what is. That revelation was devastating to me because I could no longer do what I thought I was supposed to do. No Fix?

Then came the self exploration. Okay, if I can't fix "it" then something needs to be fixed. I'm a fixer after all. Reading the responses to posts from people who have gone down this road I realized that fix needed to be focused on me. That's a hard one.

I have spent the majority of my life focused on others. Yeah, there were times I wondered "where's mine?" but that was quickly put on the back burner when someone needed me to help them. I needed to feel needed. I needed to be accepted by others. I needed (thought I wanted, but now know I needed) to be loved by others.

Because I had been segregated from the very people who loved me, family and friends, I had a warped sense of what love was. I accepted a resemblance of love because I felt I needed it so much. My self love began to deteriorate. There were times I thought an early death would be better than the continued hurt.

Then he was gone. Just like that.

I told myself that things were good and then out of the blue he just up and left. Of course I learned that there was another woman, but that was secondary to the confusion of how he could say he loved me one day and be gone the next.

Insert fixer.

For days, weeks. Actually, seconds and minutes because my thoughts were so consumed I couldn't trust myself to thoughts for seconds, let alone days. I had a hard time functioning in this world. Driving to work, reading the paper, brushing my teeth, all difficult, all things that sent my mind reeling and questioning what the heck happened!

So, here I find myself. Nothing to fix...

Or is there?

What is wrong with fixing me? What is wrong with introspect? So I worked on me.

It was such a roller coaster ride. I even questioned why I was fixing me? I grew tired of doing all of the fixing, especially when I had to look inside and struggle with those deep places that remind me that I have some qualities that caused me to put up with things I thought I would never put up with. I grew tired of focusing on me and wondering why I felt sad, or weak. I grew tired of reaching out to other people who have heard my story over and over again. And over again. I just wanted to get better.

I researched suicide online. I would not take my life, I love my kids too much (someday I will love myself that much too). I wanted to know why people take their life and I identified with why. I could see that they had reached a pit of despair that they felt they could not over come. It was summed up with "pain exceeding the resources for coping with the pain." I nodded my head. I could relate. It is a dark place to be. The lowest of lows.

The pain of dealing with narcissism cuts deeply. There are no answers. There is no closure. All of the strength needs to come from within. When you're tired of trying, tired of hurting, tired of crying, it seems you are truly on your own.

Here I am, on my own.

I read the posts of those that made it through and continue to post here to support others. Others like me. I read them and draw strength. I try to be supportive in my posts to others because I recognize the struggle.

I cannot say that everyday I get stronger because I can do fine for a day or two and then have one of my moments. Sometimes my thoughts scare me. When I read about people who are months and years out and still struggle I question if I'll ever get over this.

But I'm determined. I want to stay focused. I have made commitments to myself that I am going to work through this and see brighter days. Every day has it's own struggle.

I look forward to the day when I can come here and post about the pinnacle I have reached because I am no longer consumed with thoughts that cause me to hurt. That day isn't today but I know it will come.