My house is filthy

6 days NC - my house is a freaking wreck. I've done nothing but sit on my ass and read and post and cry and read and read and cry and look out the window and read and post, blah blah blah.

On my way home from class this afternoon I was thinking about first N - my husband (can I use his first name since he is dead? Referring to dead N and new N seems odd to me.) Anyways, My dead N did the same crap my new N is doing to me only my husband was a meth addict and committed suicide. At the time he died my son and I (who was 22mos old then) were living in a battered women's shelter. So, I've done the NC thing before only it was forced on me - I had no choice; so I never had to do anything hard to get through it. You can't contact a dead guy. I went through the grief of loss, but get this: he's been gone 9 years and I still have not deleted his phone number or email address from my contacts. Obviously my husband won't be back... Maybe that is why I'm so scared now. What if my new N ends up dead too?

Today is better than yesterday, was able to take my final and feel pretty confident I did well. I'm going to make it and be ok. Just my emotions go in and out and I cant' figure out why the fuck I am so stupid.

Sigh.