my hN says my behavior is the cause of this

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#1 Mar 30 - 12PM

jaycee

my hN says my behavior is the cause of this

someone please talk to me im so sick, he's totally back with ow, totally gave me the d&d, again......no telling me its my behavior, my behavior is the reason he is back there and if i shut my fucking mouth, he would still be staying here, oh please such favors, dont do me any, he has become so numb to me, it wreaks of total rejection, hes so into all this girl is giving him, monetarily, and of course in the way of his new supply of steroids, its sickening. hes sickening, hes so cruel to me and acts as if he was doing me a favor by sticking around for twenty five years..............please someone tell me no matter how i behaved he would have done the d&d because he never gave her up anyway and she has way more to offer

#2 Mar 31 - 2AM

jaycee

i have accepted his behavior

Yes, I have accepted his behavior and continued to blame myself, he told our daughter I blew it, the ow was finally giving up on him and it would have been done, yeah right, he wouldnt let her give it up, he couldnt stand her rejection, no one is letting go, they were in constant contact, hundreds of texts a week, he slept there once or twice a week and he continued to want her. so i am not the blame, i know that, i could have kept him away from her on a constant, but not forever, he would have eventually went back, i know that, but he has to pour salt on the wounds, as he knows i obsess about everything, he couldnt wait to say, your behavior is why we are in this position, meaning he would still be throwing me crumbs by staying at the house, thanks, but no thanks, i think my snapping was justified although i do regret it, as he is totally moved back in with her, but in my heart i know i couldnt live with him throwing crumbs anymore. he is totally done with me, i think he did squeeze the last drop from me, and has finally moved on for good, i guess im the lucky one, and since she had called the cops on him, he knows better than to ever put his hands on her again, so they will live their fantasy world of make believe love and devotion, but in the end, at least i will have a chance to start my life over. doesnt matter how he treats her, only matters that he abused me. if he felt i was so little and had such little respect for me, then let him have his life wherever. it does sting, i wont lie, it hurts the rejection and knowing i wasnt for him, but now at least i can finally accept that, and i wont accept his cruel behavior. i finally filed the papers i know he wont fight anything, im done, i will be free of him in about three months, i mean legally free, and emotionally i will try to crawl out of the hole he buried me in. i do wonder though, had i behaved differently and deemed his respect would he have given it? those thoughts will haunt me for a lifetime. im sad, im sick, but hope this time i can move on, im embarrassed of my behavior and embarrassed that he laughed at my and made the world think im a psycho. if they only knew, he looked at me and said, ill be staying there, so go fuck yourself, you blew it, your behavior caused all of this, now live with that........ouch

Jaycee

#3 Mar 30 - 5PM

onwithmylife

Jaycee

I hope you are getting therapy, i think it would help you a lot, you seem much too focused on him and the other woman, shift the focus to you, of course he will blame you, do you actually believe he will blame humself,that is funny!!!

#4 Mar 30 - 4PM

Susan32

Blame shifting

When I declared my LOVE to the ex-Psych prof, all hell broke loose. He'd be publicly reducing me to tears, coldly saying "You're embarrassing yourself." He refused to take ANY responsibility for humiliating me. He'd say (and these were his final words to me) "You acted inappropriately" (as the excuse for his atrocious behavior) When I congratulated him on being betrothed, he raged, claiming I had violated his personal boundaries&had imposed on him. He constantly blamed me for his bad behavior... tho he was the teacher and I was the student. He'd say "I'm treating you however I want because you're treating me however you want." I had done the blame-shifting before in high school, when a bullied had robbed, verbally assaulted, and lied about me, blaming ME for her bullying. When we were at the vice principal's office (I spread a nasty false rumor about her), I smiled and blithely told her that MY behavior was ALL her fault. She NEVER showed remorse for what she had done to me-so I happily, gleefully made her be accountable for HER behavior, but mine as well. And I did *NOT* apologize. She had bullied me, and I wasn't going to benefit her with closure. It made her squirm.

#5 Mar 30 - 4PM

agnesmurphy17

What did . . .?

What did the court say about that restraining order? What did any of the lawyers say who you consulted re: divorce? Why do you care what he says about you? And how do you know what he says . . . are you still contacting him? And if he's so happy with NW, why would he contact you? Like my psychiatrist said to me when I was trying to leave my N. he said: "You can continue to come here & tell me what he says & does. I don't mind getting paid. But, if you decide to stay, you must simply accept what he says & does. He will not change. Everything will remain the same. You are the one who must accept the situation as it is." Accept the abuse. Accept the OW. Accept that he will most likely come back when she throws him out again. Unless he's finished with you because you are now about as useful as a squeezed out lemon because he extracted all your juice. Then he may file for a divorce & leave you for broke. After all, living with an N means angry & controlling behavior. If you want this N, then you must accept that he calls all the shots, and that he will be angry for little or no reason, and you will always be the one to blame for his bad behavior.

#6 Mar 30 - 3PM

mystwoman

I heard the same things,

I heard the same things, too. - I've caused every single argument during the entire past 16 years. I really wasn't aware that I even possessed this kind of talent. lol. - I abused him (because I told him I would call the cops if he ever touched me in anger again). - He gets along with EVERYONE but me (meaning that I have the unmitigated gall to disagree with anything he ever says or does). - I should have the common sense to know when I've "pushed him too far" and he's going to slug me. - I drove him to online porn. - He's harassed me at work continually since he D&D'd me. When I filed the complaint with management, he wrote me an email telling me how "I got him into trouble". - When he came home the final time from cheating to tell me he doesn't love me and dump me, xnh told me that "I threw him out of the house for no reason, and never even talked to him about solutions. I just served him with divorce papers out of the blue." Duh. The dirt bag was cheating and he dumped me (and I HAD tried to talk to him many times about solutions in the past - it all fell onto his deaf ears). Of COURSE, I served him divorce papers after he dumped me...but I wouldn't exactly call that "throwing him out of the house for NO reason". No matter what you could have said, done, or tried, the narc would have D&D'd you anyway. That's what narcs do to EVERYONE. He will eventually do it to her as well. This is not your fault. You did not cause this. He was disordered LONG before you ever met him. However, I'm so sorry for your pain. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#7 Mar 30 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

secondchance

they're all the same

i literally think we were married to the same person!

#8 Mar 30 - 3PM

jaycee

thanks everyone

i cant say i feel better but it helps to hear the truth, yes i know the truth he is toxic and im sure he planned to go back to her anyway........he finally has become an open monster has no remorse for the way he treats me, not that he ever did, but before he pretended.....now, hes plain and simple a psycho fuck and could care less.....he looked me right in the eye and said ill be staying there, meaning at her apt..........guess he holds nothing back, not even while our dog is dying......he could care less, he is the ultimate cruel freak, and yes she will find out in time, that hes not better and doesnt realize he loves her and cant live without her, he will eventually rear his ugly head her way............i can only hope

Jaycee

#9 Mar 30 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

Hunter

Jaycee

Face the truth,deal with it, and Move Forward. Idealk

#10 Mar 30 - 2PM

strongerthanever

I heard the same thing. - I

I heard the same thing. - I wasn't chatty enough and that is why he had to seek stimulation elsewhere. - I made it hard to have a relationship because I had a wall up. - I contacted the women he was secretly seeing and ruined his character. - I pushed his buttons. - I made him out to be the bad guy when it came to my son. All of this, and I'm sure there is more, as to why he ran off and married someone else, because she is the opposite of me had to do with my behavior. And he does not see it as that he treated me and my son like crap, lied, cheated, and has no character caused our tension and problems. Yet, he did admit to that his "mental illness" (depression) was the cause of our issues but yet, he was already charming the pants off of his now childbride. So, he spoke to me saying one thing but then acting like he is a wonderful man and I was the cause of demise of the relationship. He chalked it up as us having "kid issues, he was just not happy with me. I didn't make him happy." These guys do not see how their treatment, devaluing, and discarding changes us which in turn changes the dynamic of the relationship. Soon his wife will be in the same boat as me. She probably is but lying to herself and living in denial since she is very needy and feels safe as long as there is a man there, any man. I am not that type of girl, Thank God!

#11 Mar 30 - 2PM

Steph

That's a CLASSIC narc

That's a CLASSIC narc statement. Total manipulation. Total BS. Your behaviour is not the cause of his behaviour. His disorder is the cause of it. You really really really gotta stop talking to him. You will never heal if you keep in touch with him. You'll just go in circles, chasing your tail.

#12 Mar 30 - 2PM

Hunter

Jaycee

Ummmmm, why are you speaking to him? NC means NC. He's a Fucking Freak, you need to pick yourself up and begin a new! I know you know the answers! Idealk

#13 Mar 30 - 1PM

dudette

and may I add

your XN is basically projecting and talking out of his arse. Ignore anything he ever says to you. the best way to do that is NC.....

#14 Mar 30 - 1PM

dudette

NC forever and hang on in there

Jaycee I am so sorry - This is a horrible thing to happen and my thoughts are with you x x x Just never ever let him hoover you again for it gets worse every time you go back... Your dignity rides on this one Jaycee. Just bail out and go NC. No triangulation, no drama. Don't give him the satisfaction honey.... Go missing, disappear. He'll be more narced if you do that then the alternative.... and take time to heal. For you! you last F***K Off...... Make no mistake, She'll find out in good time what he has in mind for her and it will NOT ne pretty. Don't give him more ammo though. He'll only tell her you are the mad one x x x

#15 Mar 30 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

Redhead1

Your heart is still black and

Your heart is still black and blue. When you heal some and see his behavior is so textbook, you will understand more. It took me a while and I still have moments where I flash back to the old me(feeling sorry for him, questioning myself). I printed the articles off about the borderlines and I read one every morning before I go into work. It just reminds me of what I was dealing with. Helps keep me centered. I keep printouts of articles and messages from girls here. When I get those week moments, I pop one out of my purse and reinforce what I already know. I am soo sorry you are feeling like this. NC is the best and only choice. xoxo

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