My heart has been broken and cannot be repaired

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#1 Jul 14 - 5PM
drazia
drazia's picture

My heart has been broken and cannot be repaired

Its so totally done. Found out he was ceating for the last year. Not only now has he torn our family appart I find out at least the last year of my life has been a lie. He got violent screaming, cursing ,ripped his shirt off broke his cell phone. I had the know the truth so I snooped in his cell. Now I will have to move on. No more will I hope he turns around. For months he kept stringing me along saying we might get back together, SOMEDAY. My daughter never sees him and is starting to regress. Now I guess I need to get a mediation lawyer, but dont know how. I am doing NC now.He has just called I wont pick up. Im broken, but I will recyle myself into something new and beautiful that my daughter can be proud of.

Jul 15 - 11PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

You Can't Break A Broken Heart by Kate Voegele

When I read your post it made me think of this song: Won't be so easy this time to hurt me You can try and this time now baby there are no tears left here to dry if you think you can wound me like before if you think you can do that anymore wont get too far no, you can't break a broken heart so try your best now baby try your best to break me you can't break a broken heart no damage you can do now im immune to you now you can't break what broke apart there's nothing you can do to me no more you can't break a broken heart hurt me before now I wont hurt no more now not this time you might do better messing with someone elses mind 'cause you're not gonna break me down again your done with doing me the way you did it's gone too far you can't break a broken heart so try you best now baby try your best to break me you can't break a broken heart no damage you can do now im immune to you now you can't break what broke apart there's nothing you can do to me no more you can't break a broken heart so dont waste your time your time has come and gone what are you here for you cant hurt me anymore so try your best now baby try your best to break me you can't break a broken heart no damage you can do now im immune to you now you can't break what broke apart there's nothing you can do to me no more you can't break a broken heart so try your best now baby try your best to break me you can't break a broken heart (x2) no damage you can do now im immune to you now you can't break what broke apart there's nothing you can do to me no more you can't break a broken heart break a broken heart
Jul 17 - 7AM (Reply to #19)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Take a Bow

By Rhianna. Perfect for Narcs. Listen to empowering songs. I had to stay away from mushy ones. I went through that pain! It was horrible. I literally wanted to die! 8 months out is amazing. I wasted so many years! My oldest daughter asked me to divorce him years ago. Old friends, and family wondered why I had put up with the BS for so long. Why did I?! They are LOSERS! I'm so sad that this is the father my children have. (And as I say that, the old familiar twinge of fear pops up- scared that he'll read that. I've been programmed well!)
Jul 15 - 10PM
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

I have a 20 year old daughter

I have a 20 year old daughter who has begged me to leave her dad since she was 9. She had a class at school that explains emotional abuse and come home and told me her dad was emotionally abusive to us. I was toooo blind to see it. She has had terrible emotional problems since puberty and been in therapy since 16. I let her down in a way that I will never be able to excuse. In all honesty I knew I couldnt go back to him the last time because I would lose her. She meant more than my trauma bond, finally. My one big regret is what my daughter has been through because I was part ignorant and part denial. She loves me unconditionally and has never laid blame on me, just on her dad. Also, after 4 years of therapy and 8 months NC with her dad, she is doing great. She is smarter and stronger than me. I am proud of her for encouraging me to be stronger. My biggest advice would be, don't let your daughter down. That loser will come and go(literally), but your daughter is like a diamond- she is for life!!!
Jul 16 - 4AM (Reply to #17)
drazia
drazia's picture

:)

Thanks. I know what I must do. I need to keep strong for her and becaome a better me. I know that even though the pain is the greatest I ever felt, it will go away and my life will become what it always should of been. I am worth more than what he gave me. I am a good, loving, caring person who is ready to do for myself instead of him. His loss. I might of lost the dreams I had with him but now I will make new ones for my daughter and I.
Jul 15 - 4AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Heres an oldie but a goodie .

Heres an oldie but a goodie . A narc wasnt even a leaf he was a bug on the leaf .. xx http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF_10F7eYRE&feature=related
Jul 15 - 5PM (Reply to #15)
drazia
drazia's picture

:)

Loved it! Thanks!
Jul 14 - 10PM
Lost
Lost's picture

Dating a loser i.e. narc

I thought I would share this brilliant article with everyone because on first reading it, so many of the things that were stated reminded me of my relationship with my ex N ... Sometimes when I'm feeling low or depressed or have thoughts running through my head that it's my fault or I wasn't good enough or I really miss him and maybe he is the one for me ... I go back and read this. It reminds me of the CRAP that I put with and what I don't deserve which none of us beautiful, intelligent and strong women deserve http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/
Jul 16 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Joy2me
Joy2me's picture

Dating a loser

That was a great article, I will print and save. After reading through all of the signs, my ex had at least 9 for sure!
Jul 14 - 8PM
.brokenglass.
.brokenglass.'s picture

Drazia ~ we will recycle into amazing women!

I am so right in the same place as you, except my no contact is court ordered & my N is awaiting a court date for aggravated domestic assault. I believed the lies & smiles for 15 years..wow cause everyone sees me as this confident, take no bs kinda gal. He had me believing the kids didn't love me & no one wanted me there, even though my world consisted of him & 2 kids. I did everything, but if they made a mistake, then I "needed to deal with MY kid". It is crazy that I thought I was losing it, but a couple weeks ago I unlocked a door to a room he was in & he came busting thru the door pushed me thru a glass dOor & then tried to stab me with a screwdriver, I thought he was going to kill me...I was so scared..then I thought about my daughter & her comment a month earlier when she told me, "mommy let's leave, I don't want to see you cry or daddy hurt your feelings no more". Then I go into "excuse mode" oh honey,I just don't feel well, I need to just stop trying to get him to talk to me...then I was so angry because my daughter was trying to protect me. What is wrong with me? Where did I go? Now I must protect her, he could have killed me & left my daughter with no one and his "our" son with no one. I had to sit down with her & explain what happened (our son is angry with me), and she told me she was so afraid when I text her at camp (thank god she wasn't home) that something really bad happened. I went to her camp & went out to diNner, she started telling me all the things she has heard him say. So be strong & stay away...kids see, hear, and worry more than you know, and I feel guilty everyday now for having her witness all his crap...crap that will become RAGE, the same rage that could leave your baby without mommy. I cry everytime I think how she must have felt to hear her daddy tell me he wished he could crush the breath out of me. I have my "whole adult life" with this man, that I now have to recover from, but so does my baby...wouldn't you hurt someone for treating your baby this way, I know you would..let's together become that woman. Speak with an attorney if for nothing else than to see where you stand. God bless you & your beautiful baby that will always be proud of you!! ~brokenglass
Jul 15 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
drazia
drazia's picture

NC

Today is a new beginning for me. I did NC all day!! He keeps calling, texing and facebooking. Me nothing nadda zero! I am too angrey and might pull his neck through the phone. Saw a therapist! Now he will be a after thought and I am ready to work on me. No longer will I accept someone in my life who spits at me,and then tells me he loves me, curses me infront of our daughter. I am done! Heres to a new better future!
Jul 15 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
.brokenglass.
.brokenglass.'s picture

High five-ing u!!!!

Congrats Drazia, I can really hear how proud u r of yourself. You see you are already amazing...u just gotta let that amazing SHINE!!! I'm going to give u a copy of a text I received today..."Love hurts! But ull get over it, u need a replacement, you have to be treated good, like a queen, maybe a little kick in the ass from time to time but other than that u need to be loved. U need to feel it an hear it an smell it. It'll happen". It made smile because even in realizing his love wasn't there, I still have ability to love & alThough I'm not looking for a "mans love" I am falling in love with myself and knowing that loving me is one of the best things I can do for my daughter. They say and this too shall pass because God don't give you nothing you can't handle (wish he didn't trust me so much :)) but that much trust from the creator means I'm in good hands & he knows I'm capible...Drazia, u too r capable...u made it thru 1 day! ~brokenglass~
Jul 16 - 4AM (Reply to #11)
drazia
drazia's picture

High five and then some

I feel like crap this morning. No sleeping and eatting can do that. I am hoping that today I will start to feel better emotionally. Bit by bit and step by step. I do in a way miss the beginnings of us, but I know it was a lie and I will not go there. He did worst to me than I could of perdicted. I dont feel the need to contact him, it I did it just would be to curse him out and thats what he wants, he wants me to be the bad guy. I wont give him the satisfation. So today will be my day 2 of being sober. I might get the DT's but it wont kill me. Thanks for your kind words.
Jul 14 - 5PM
Reddley
Reddley's picture

If you get weak and miss

If you get weak and miss him... start falling for his crap again... remember your child. She really DOES need you. She really DOES love you. If you cannot find the strength to do it for you, do it for HER.
Jul 15 - 4AM (Reply to #7)
drazia
drazia's picture

no chance

There is no chance I will wish him back. He has betraded me to the point of no return. I just wish I didnt have to ever see him again.I want what never was. Now Im stuck with him because we have a daughter together. I have never done this but this morning I looked myself in a the mirror and cursed him and the OW. She knew what she was doing. I cursed that he should feel the pain I am feeling by 10 fold that he shall have no rest or comfort in his life. He shall end up alone and empty like his soul.In my entire life I have never felt this need. I truly hate him.
Jul 14 - 5PM
moonshine
moonshine's picture

Drazia

It was a lie from the beginning. I understand how you feel. Nooooo contact. Your daughter is your motivation. Please do get better for her. I was being stringed along too. It's painful to have hoped for the dream to come true and to find out they were playing with us. It will take some time to get back to normal but you should keep doing what you are doing-noooooo contact. Please feel better
Jul 15 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
drazia
drazia's picture

I miss what never really was

I cant sleep ,cant eat. I cant believe I was sucked in by all of the lies. He begged me to have a baby. He told me over and over he loved me, needed me. I am having flash backs of everything and of all the texes he sent the OW. I have not responded to him . I do need to tex and tell him I dont want his face around for awhile to see our daughter. I cant have him here now. I dont ever want to see him again. If it wasnt for her I wouldnt, but I will have no choice.
Jul 14 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
drazia
drazia's picture

No contact

I am trying. I wont let him see her without someone there. He has never cared for her in anyway. So I am trying to figuer out how I will make it work. She misses her Daddy. I just wont talk to him on phone, or tex. I think its best to email when he can see her. What do you think? We were never married there is no court order. I do need to find a lawyer to help right papers.
Jul 14 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Drazia

I've gone through this EXACT process and problem. I have a one year old with my EXN. I refuse to speak to him too, our communication is by text only at this point. I've been through mediation and also been to a lawyer. Your not in Australia by chance are you? If so I could give you a bit of an idea of what to expect. I'm not sure of the laws in other countries. EXN has supervised visits. You have to be really careful to do what's right in the eyes of the law or he could take you court. Because I have no evidence of EXNs abuse- if he took me to court he would get more than what he gets now. Pm me if you think I can help. Obviously I'm no lawyer but I can share my experiences with you..
Jul 14 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
drazia
drazia's picture

Thanks

Im in Fl and have proof that he has never really been there for her and isnt capable of taking care of her. I want him to go to parenting and anger managment classes. He has a history in the courts. He has never hit me but has spit at me and called me names infront of our daughter.