My Goodby Letter to M

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#1 May 23 - 5AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

My Goodby Letter to M

Dear M,

As you and I both know, this relationship is no longer filling either one of our needs. The time has come to part company on all levels. This includes having you in my mind, body, and soul.

I can no longer fill your need for me to cater to your every whim, put my life on a back burner for yours, listen to your insults, lies, manipulations, mind games, cons, engage in your sexual perversions, remain in financial ruin, and sell my soul to the devil.

You no longer fill my need to mother a little boy, try to control the actions of an irresponsible wreckless self centered soul snatching coward, clean up your messes.

I no longer want to feel embarrassed in the community because of my association with you, feel less than, feel unworthy of real love, marriage, and decency, jealousy of the OW, afraid, angry, depressed, not good enough, like my thoughts are no longer my own, not a real part of your life, not young enough, not pretty enough, not as good as other woman who have great husbands and bf's, worried about finances and the home repairs, like I am both the man and woman of this home, afraid of the truth, afraid of never loving again, I am not worthy of a good life, like I want to die because you are so hateful to me, not worthy of a birthday or Christmas present, not worthy of being comfortable in my own home when you are here.

When we first met I had high hopes and have spent the past 2 years trying to understand what went wrong. I brought my own insecurities into the relationship and tried so hard to please you and make things right. No matter what I did it was to no avail. I now know that nothing would have been good enough for you and that I was wasting my time.

I had trouble letting go of the illusion of you and the false personna. I can now see you for who and what you truly are and it no longer appeals to me. I spent months crying, pleading with God, willing to do most anything to obtain your love. The love of my Daddy who was just as incapable of loving me as you are. I put all my love into you hoping that somehow I could fill that vast hole inside of me left from years of an abusive father. You reminded me of him in many ways and this had the exact same outcome as it did with my dad. When all was said and done there was still nothing there for me.

There were many time when I thought that I would not make it, that the pain was too great, that I would always feel like I wanted to die because you could not love me. I was just about willing to do most anything to gain your approval.

I came on this site and did the work and observed you with new eyes this last time and I have come too far now.

I am sorry for my part in all of this, I had no idea at the time that I was playing out all of my old tapes with you as well and that this was all part of the master plan to get me well and over my childhood trauma.

I am letting you go back into the universe and I wish you well. The lesson has been learned and for that I am grateful.

P.s. I am also letting my dad go and my need for his approval. I have been searching for this all of my life.

Dad, I am letting you go back into the universe and I wish you well. The lesson has been learned and for that I am grateful.

God bless,
Goldie

Jun 3 - 11AM
booboo35
booboo35's picture

Well done Goldie, I can not

Well done Goldie, I can not even bring myself too do my story yet, I too had a abusive father, I have 4 sisters and i always felt like the outcast, Your letter has given me hope. xx

STAY STRONG!! XX

May 23 - 8PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

I have goosebumps

Seriously, this letter gives me goosebumps. I just told you what I think about this letter on the phone, but would like to say again: You truly inspire beyond words and your authenticity is so refreshing. You are so real and when you write, I am moved. Thank you for sharing, Goldie! Please post your Goodbye Letter to your Blog Page!
May 23 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thank you my dear

I also feel the same for you and your writing and am truly blessed to have met you and found this site. It saved my life and for that I will be eternally grateful. This has been a long journey for me and I have come home. I am among people who totally, "get this" and it is an unmeasurable comfort and opportunity to at long last have a chance at the life up until now, I only was able to dream possible. We will collectively make it through this and we will unburden our souls and become the men and women which GOD intended us to be. Our birthright will be realized. God bless, Goldie
May 23 - 7PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Well wriiten, well done:)

Well wriiten, well done:) What a release and relief you must feel:) Good for you! You are very inspirational woman:) xoxo
May 23 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thank you Staying Strong

That is exactly what I feel. I feel like in writing this letter I was ready to let him go and fully begin the process of regaining my soul and my life. This is my life and for better or worse I must live it the way I see fit and not ever ever ever be a puppet on a string for a PD's sick twisted amusement. God bless, Goldie
May 23 - 2PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I have nothing to say...

This letter says it all, and I am so happy to hear, you have found true release. Now to tackle what's on the other side of the rainbow...I hear it's a lot of fun and feels good. Hugs!
May 23 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thank you Michelle

I am sure going to try my best to reach the other side of the rainbow where dreams really do come true. Because as we all know there are not any dreams coming true with the PD, just a life full of empty promises and broken dreams. God bless, Goldie
May 23 - 9AM
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

Goldie

I know that if one our parents was a N, we are far more likely to end up in a relationship catering to one. What is the correlation with abused children and seeking relationships with Narcs for approval? I found your healing letter very interesting. Are you going to send it? or is it just for you (and your fan club which I am part of!lol) I did not have abusive parents. I did have an emotionally distant Father who never really opened up until he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The last 3 years of his life, he was a different person and I became very close with him emotionally (surprisingly so.) He had been diagnosed about 1 year prior to meeting my exNH, so I was already emotionally bonding with my Dad. I don't "get" how I attracted and chose my ExNH, but like you..I spent my entire 13 year marriage proving (to him AND his parents) that I was worth loving, and that our family was worth having. Why anybody would spend that amount of time proving something that should have been a given, remains a mystery to me. I am almost ashamed that I allowed it to continue for so long. I did bring this issue up in counseling, received validation that it was unhealthy, that I contributed to it by staying, BUT...still don't know where it stems from. My parents are proud of me, and even selected me as the executor of their estate. My parents empowered me in life, not the opposite. So I wonder if you have any further insight.
Jun 3 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Mynewlife

Most abused children seek pathologically dysfunctional mates. We play out what we know or have learned. My mother had an emotionally unavailable dad who was not otherwise abusive and that was enough for her to marry a raging Psycho/Narc, it does not have to be overt abuse, lack of something is a biggie too and let's not forget that a childs perceptions are well formed by 7 and those are the years when most couples struggle and work through the kinks in their relationships. Sometimes things went down during those years that a person has no knowledge or memory of as they get older. We may have a great dad in our 20's who was a complete freak show when we were little and impressionable. Some people outgrow some of their crap as the marriage progresses. Shame is a powerful emotion, it can cause us to engage where we don't belong. I had a horrific time with N/P and he was arrested many times and went to jail. YOu would have thought that was enough. I was so embarrassed, the police were over the house all the time, it was in the papers and somehow I took him back because I was ashamed of the failure and the judgements and on some insecure level I wanted to prove to everyone that we could make it work in spite of their judgements. Now does that make any sense and of course the little detail, that he sucked me back in with false promises. There is no judgement here, we all get it and somehow the site helps me to let go of a lot of that shame. God bless, Goldie
May 23 - 7AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

well done you! going to write

well done you! going to write one myself. I think youre the greatest! just saying.
May 23 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Fooled no longer

Thank you so much for the kind words. I had wanted to do this for awhile and can see now why I did not. I still had unfinished business with him. He stole massive money from me and I was having trouble letting go of this. So when he got out of jail 3 months ago and promised to start paying me back, I took the bait. He paid me for awhile, bought me a dog, fixed a couple of things and then, you know the drill. Somehow this brief reconnect was enough for me and I could see the entire truth now and the letter just flowed out of me. I was ready to let him go. I tried to write the letter before and the grief was overwhelming and then of course there was the anger stage. When I wrote the letter there was little anger or grief. Just my truth. I no longer care about his truth or lack there of. I finally get what I have heard on here for months: We will NEVER get them or be able to get inside their heads and fully understand them because we are NOT like them, so stop trying. Thanks and you will be in my prayers as you write yours. Thank you each and every one of you for being here to share in my journey of recovery. God bless, Goldie
May 23 - 7AM
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture

Knowledge is Power!

Great letter, Goldie! Words of acceptance and self-knowledge.
May 23 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Sanity Check

Thank you, if feels like the weight of the world has been lifted. God bless, Goldie
May 23 - 6AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Goldie

What a wonderful goodbye letter! 8-) Good for you!
May 23 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Happy

Thank you Happy, the time was right. Enough is enough!!! God bless, Goldie
May 23 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Absolutely!! I couldn't

Absolutely!! I couldn't agree with you more! They have wasted enough of our precious time! 8-)