my friends have questions for all of you

23 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 2 - 6AM

jaycee

my friends have questions for all of you

I told my friends about this site. I ve tried over and over again to explain to them the workings of a narc. But each one has said, yes, we believe hes a narc and they are sick psychos, we believe your hN is a total psychopath, but what they cant understand is this thing called supply. They said, yes, if he had no one else, they could understand this constant i love you, miss you, need you etc, but they cant understand, and asked that i ask all of you, why he would continue this, when he has his whore he is living with? they keep saying, he doesnt need you right now, it doesnt make sense, men usually dont want to be bothered by their spouses once they are thrown out or leave, they finally get what they want. So they want to know why all the effort in continuing to tell me he doesnt love her, wants out, and all he goes through to continue his facade? I explained, its safety supply, he needs to know im still here, standing still, not moving on, and to know if things dont work out there, he has me. They dont buy it, how can i explain, through all of you, what i mean by this, is there another way to explain there is no explanation, ive said he thrives on drama, its part of the illness, they dont buy it, they say that no one continues it for this long, on a daily basis, so i pose this question, why would even a psychopath continue such a facade, for this long when he is in a relationship and has supply? they say, why would he do this if hes gotten what he wanted. I tried to explain in layman's terms(so to speak)not that im an expert, but they feel im speaking gibberish, why dont they understand? all they ever say is, i dont buy it. please help me to explain better, because they think hes up to something else,they all have different theories, none that coincide with a narc, and none of it makes any sense to them, as it makes no sense to me either, but im learning more about it....can you help to say it in a way they will understand, if feel like when i talk to them its like chasing my own tail around the room, every thing i say, they say, i dont buy it.......please help me express in simpler terms or in a better way...........thanks jaycee

#2 Nov 3 - 6AM

Alive

get

them to call me...I will happily obilge... Sorry Jayce im angry at the mo.

#3 Nov 3 - 6AM (Reply to #21)

jaycee

get

happynow, do you think i could have been a better or different wife? do you think if i were different, he would not have done all this? Jaycee

Jaycee

#4 Nov 3 - 7AM (Reply to #22)

Alive

Jaycee

You are who you are and if nobody can accept this then they are not worth it darling. Better wife?- would could you have done better? different wife?- You want to be different? FROM WHO? the OW? NO my love. You are who you are. Ex Narc boy has just got married to OW. YES MARRIED!! nF*** m* lol

#5 Nov 2 - 11PM

almostlydia

Sadly, you're not only

Sadly, you're not only wasting your time trying to explain it possibly wearing down some friendships by trying. There are a few that are compelled by the idea and understanding it but they are very few, maybe those that have either had a close encounter themselves with an N or other personality disorder type. Not only do they not get it but the tendency is to see you as the crazy one, and this you will eventually come to feel in these friendships. Sad but true. almostlydia

almostlydia

#6 Nov 3 - 6AM (Reply to #18)

jaycee

almostlydia

almostlydia, thanks for your response. its funny how you say it effects friendships, one of my closest, i thought, friends, basically told me, this whole bs about narc disorder is bs, and im basically white trash for sticking around for so long. im heartbroken, but what she doesnt know is how it feels to be with someone for twenty four years and have them devalue and discard you time and time again, i get her point, most people would never stick around after the first time, with a sane asshole, but she has no idea what its like to be caught in the web, she has an awsome husband, a stand up guy whose only priority is her and the kids. she will never know the heartache and pain, so she cant relate, she was so cruel last night and it brought tears to my eyes, she thinks im a looser and said, if i didnt give him so much freedom he would have never cheated over and over, and if i demanded more from him we would have had a real marriage, so basically all of this is my fault, i could cry, those are things that have eaten me alive for months, the if i was different, would it have been different, please tell me, nothing i could have done would have made a difference, because the regret is so painful, i cant face the day again.........did i do the wrong thing? could i have been a different wife, would he have valued me more......im soooo sad today.........Jaycee

Jaycee

#7 Nov 3 - 7AM (Reply to #19)

fedup

Hey Jaycee

I hate to say it , but I don't think that particular friend is being a very good friend to you at the moment. You're already down---and from what you described, it sounds like she's clubbing you over the head, when you're at your weakest. Shame on her!!!!!!!!How incredibly thoughtless, and insensitive, to speak to you like that.Doesn't she realize how down you've been??? Your H chose to cheat and be unfaithful. Repeatedly. Those were HIS choices to make. None of that is YOUR fault. None of that is your fault. NONE of that is your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can't ever hope to control someone else's actions.We can only control our own. Your H betrayed your trust. Because you loved him, you gave him another chance. He blew it again.That's on him. That's ALL on HIM!!!HIS actions, HIS choices. Your only mistake was loving too much, and having enough compassion to give him another chance.That doesn't make you a loser, it means you're human..............It means you have a BIG HEART. (which is something you can take pride in, by the way) Any friend who insinuates that it's your fault that your H cheated needs to take a very a long ride on the Clue Train. Perhaps she's never known the gut-wrenching pain that comes with that type of betrayal---hopefully she never finds out. It's the kind of pain that can only be understood by actually living through it.A person can itellectualize it til they're blue in the face---it's not the same as finding the one person you gave your heart to, has lied to you. It completely pulls the rug out from under you when that happens. Until your friend actually experiences pain like that--- She has no business lecturing you about how you "should" feel. Or react.

#8 Nov 2 - 1PM

betty2020

Narcissistic Supply is a

Narcissistic Supply is a never end continuum to a Narcissist. Every person that comes into contact with a Narc that has been a part of supply to them remains on the continuum indefinitely. The only thing that changes is your ranking order. If you look at this like a long line and every five feet marks one supply. This line stretches indefinitely. At one point you were first in line. Before you however someone else was first. Number one may be replaced by number two, three, four, five etc.... A new number one may come in or it may be someone in position two, three, four from previous. You have now been moved out of position. It doesn't mean your out of the line, your just bumped out of position. The person that is in the number one position holds priority. In time they may try to place you back in number one position again. This is why we use the word "recycling". It is never over for the Narcissist. Once your in line it is forever. If you gave supply before then they believe they can obtain it from you again with the right manipulative tactics. Many times they are successful. It has worked so they continue to try until they have exhausted all measures with no result. Remember that any communication is Narc supply to them. Showing them anger, disgust, loath, contempt, negative verbal communication is the same as showing them love, affection and adoration. It is showing them that they are worth your time therefore special and unique in their own minds. Negative or positive is of no consequence to them. Your still feeding the beast and they will always return to feed when supply gets low else where. Without you and the rest of his other supply he would parish. This is why you are never removed from his continuum. The only way to get out of line is silence. No Contact. This is permanent and forever. Hope thats not confusing to you :) only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#9 Nov 2 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

jaycee

betty

that is scary, once in the continum, i will never be removed, unless i have complete and utter nc. that is really creepy, so all the women he has had affairs with are still somewhere in line, just move to other positions, unless they cut off all contact with him. ewwwwwwwww, thats creepy, yuck, im scared now........i thought eventually he would get tired of his games, and let go and move on where he would no longer seek supply here. that is twisted, but thank you for explaining, he really is a psycho, and im assuming unless this one cuts off all contact at somepoint he will string her along forever too, i always had the feeling he still saw the one from years ago, but thought i was crazy, guess i wasnt.......thanks again, great explanation.......xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

#10 Nov 2 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

betty2020

Once in the continuum always

Once in the continuum always in the continuum. Only you can remove yourself from the line. All the others are still there unless they have the have removed themselves. You will never know who is in this line nor how long they will remain. They more than likely dont even know that their in this line themselves. But they are not what is important. He will find replacements for those who choose to step out of line. His main goal is to extend this continuum as far as he can so when he gets a "line jumper", she is just replaced by the next. And the vicious cycle continues, recycling over and over. This is the crazy world of a Narc. Sad but true. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#11 Nov 2 - 1PM (Reply to #13)

Used

betty2020

that has explained ns very well....so all those years i was married to him... i ment nothing but supply.....wow!!!i put a post to jaycee on here but am going to edit it....b/c if he came on here as a guest,and one never knows.....he would know this was him.....and that aint going to happen again.....i aint going to mention him again....thanks

#12 Nov 2 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

betty2020

Your welcome used.

Your welcome used. Unfortunately yes, all any of us were and are supply that is waiting in line to be recycled. Ugg, disgusting creatures they are! xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#13 Nov 2 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

betty2020

This is more for you Jaycee

This is more for you Jaycee then for your friends. They will not fully grasp this concept unless they themselves come into contact and experience the wrath of a Narcissist. I would not put much efforts in helping them relate to this as you will exhaust yourself trying and they will still be clueless. Its like trying to explain to the Narc that he is a Narc. Good luck with that. :( only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#14 Nov 2 - 12PM

blueeyes

Friends..

Simply don't get it because they have not lived it. That's what brings us all together.

#15 Nov 2 - 8AM

wholeagain

They're trying to apply logic to a mental illness

There is no hard and fast answer for the question. He does what he does because he does it. Maybe the best thing you can tell them is that he just isn't wired the same way a "normal" person is, so any speculation they have about why he does what he does won't really apply. That and that his appetite for supply is voracious, neverending, a bottomless pit and they just need to take your word for it, because you know it's true. He doesn't need any other motive. I had some of the same resistance Jaycee, and in the end I stopped talking about the ex except to a few people who were close enough to really understand. All the speculation didn't do anything to help my healing, it just distracted me from that very task. I mean really, one could spend hours, days, weeks and years trying to figure this crap out and never even come close! It is what it is, the only thing that matters is your healing. xoxo

#16 Nov 2 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

jaycee

wholeagain

you are right there is no way to apply logic to a mental illness, its almost like dealing with a schizophrenic, someone whos there sometimes and whacked out other times, he needs meds or something, because how can anyone continue such a life.......he must not even know hes sick and twisted. he really is textbook, really creepy.......xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

#17 Nov 2 - 7AM

Used

jaycee

i agree ,this has always puzzled me too...myehn and i stayed mates after i divorced him...still went shopping ect ect...i stayed mates with him until last year...when i thought i dont want this anymore....my point is this year i was told that all the time we were still friends 13 years, he was living with a woman for approx 9years... i was gobsmacked, more by the fact never by word or deed did i ever have a clue that he was with someone....we had even talked about if either of us met someone he said even if i met someone, she will have to accept you are part of the package....he must of been with her then....it defies belief, what did he want me for when he had a women....what did i "supply" him with if he had her...and i didnt have a clue...and the thing is i would have been ok with it....i hadnt wanted him for years...i would have been fine with her....she would know he had an exwife cos of our kids and she has met all his family, so what the hell went on there...what did i "supply" him with that she couldnt.... i will always be baffled by this...so i too will be interested by any replies...xxxxx

#18 Nov 2 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

jaycee

used

used, it sounds like she never met the kids, did she? and if not dont you find it odd, she would be with a man and never know he had children? nine years is a long time, i feel for you, you had no idea, he is as sick as mine is. the only difference is, my hN's whore knows of me, as she was having an affair with him for a couple of years, knows of our children, but knows she will never meet them, knows they want nothing to do with her, but she accepts that because she wants him, selfish like him. your case is so unusual, i cant believe you never knew, and this woman never knew he had kids..........or did she, and didnt mind not knowing them? Jaycee

Jaycee

#19 Nov 2 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

Used

HISTORY

.... DONE AND DUSTED BETTY!!!.

#20 Nov 2 - 7AM

michele115 (not verified)

Jaycee

You may not get them to understand unless they do the research themselves. It's hard to digest - think about what we went through all the CD and questioning... Jaycee, your job isn't to convince your friends. I am concerned that in a sense, their disbelief is a form of not validating you or your feelings. Part of getting your confidence up is knowing you know what YOUR truth is and phuck what anyone else thinks. I can't really articulate an answer to your question because the information is volumunous. Sometimes when people don't know or understand something, it becomes a monumental task. You could show them an article or something and they still might question it - sometimes people are who they are and until they walk in your shoes they will doubt. As a friend, my advice would be to find others who do understand. Of course you can keep your friends, but don't become obsessed with proving your position. We know, we understand, you know...that's enough. Focus on healing, it doesn't matter what others think or believe. You are not crazy. Hugs.

#21 Nov 2 - 7AM (Reply to #2)

jaycee

michele

michele, i wish i could explain to them, and you are right, i know hes a narc, but they make me second guess myself, as to what supply could it be? they kind of understand the narc thing, but they cannot understand his continuing parade, with all the lies, if he finally has his whore, obviously she is who he wanted or he would not have stayed after i threw him out.........i wish i could understand better myself, but moreso, i wish they would buy that there are no answers........they think hes up to something, and they are trying to figure that out. i wonder sometimes too, what the hell is he up to? i think he rather enjoys doing to her her what he did with her, sneaking, lying, cheating, i bet it gives him a rush, and i think my pain makes him feel better.........Jaycee

Jaycee

#22 Nov 2 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

ihavethecandy

hard to understand the need

For such constant supply. We are not narcissists! So we can't really understand this all consuming need they have. These people are mentally ill. Narcissism is a clinical diagnosis. Yours may not have been formally diagnosed (mine hasn't). But that does not mean they aren't mentally ill. As sane people with real emotions, we may never understand what makes a narc do what they do. And isn't that the problem anyway? Nothing they do ever makes much sense to us. They have a disordered personality. There's nothing to "buy" about that. They are sick. Its just the way it is. Your friends may not understand, but that's understandable. None of us would understand as much as we do had we not lived it. A narc needs supply. Good, bad, it doesn't really matter as long as someone, anyone feeds their ego. They are Empty inside. There is nothing inside them so they are constantly hungry for attention from whoever will give it to them. We are not narcs and don't need this neverending supply of attention. We need some attention, as everyone does, but we are not consumed with it as a narc is. Don't know if this helps, but I hope so. Stay strong! My friends don't totally understand either, but then again, they've never experienced it.

#23 Nov 2 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

jaycee

ihavethecandy

thank you for replying, you are so right, friends dont understand because theyve never been there, they cant grasp the concept, they see this perfectly normal man, but have no idea hes damaged mentally and emotionally.........its a sick twisted life to be in, and i hope im out soon......i cant live like this anymore, i wish he would move far far away..........xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

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