My first counselling session. Not easy

OMG! First, I would have slapped that person!!!! No not really, but I sure would have thought about doing it. Second, get rid of that counselor immediately and find another. I've seen numerous professionals over the last 4 years. Let me tell you...some are good and some are bad. Just because they have a license doesn't make them good at what they do. Keep looking until you find the right one. Trust your gut instints and you will know when you find the right person. Good luck to you.

That makes me really angry... it takes so much courage to go ahead and get help, and then you are given hurtful and incorrect information. let me tell you... when I was pregnant and with my ex-Path husband, I got away in a 'fight' one afternoon, tears streaming, confused, scared, panicked. I went to a pay phone and phoned the Minister who married us, becuz I had been brainwashed into thinking that would be the only solution (by ex). I was told point blank by the Minister's wife that so-and-so no longer does this kind of counseling (becuz it's 'too hard on him'!) where the man doesn't agree to get help, becuz it basically has no affect on the woman! She said this to a pregnant, shaking, uncontrollably crying woman begging for some help! And no suggestions or referrals! I hit a wall... I turned for help with my last breath at the time, and was kicked to the curb. Just underscoring how horribly hurtful these counselors can be if they don't understand the issues! Point being... I am sick of so called professionals carrying on therapy without knowing crucial info and educating themselves. They just want $$. That is why I didnt even bother to go locally here, but to go to saferelationshipsmagazine.com becuz they do get it! Her correct response should have been.... "Good for you for trusting your INSTINCTS and checking his phone!" You could have gotten in sooo much deeper. I too, was accuzed of snooping, simply by clicking on the N's PUBLIC profile and finding a derogatory comment there by a woman. His reaction to you was only a defense tactic, covering his own guilt. Shifting the blame. He WANTED to make you feel it was your fault. Sorry you had a bad start, MissM, but I hope you get better help soon!

The only thing I could never understand after I was victimized by this creature was WHY it was MY responsibility to take ownership of becoming a victim, I didnt choose to become a victim, I never said HERE take me, and abuse me I am looking forward to it, lie to me, cheat on me, betray me, con me. It was the predator who should have paid for his actions, instead I had to pay for becoming another one of his victims and that IS TOTAL BS!!!! As my counselor said, even though NONE of this was your fault you still must take full responsibility to recover and move on with your life, that is what they mean when they say, Life isnt fair and its not, bad things happen to good people every day. And here we are each and everyone of us became victims to these monsters and we have to suffer, heal, medicate ourselves, get counseling, go NC, and try to understand why they did this to us, but the bottom line always comes to taking responsibility to what happened to our lives and doing the necessary steps so we can one day return to what we once were and I am willing to do that but where is the justice where the one who should really be suffering is the psychopath, they dont suffer from what they did to us but they have their own internal suffering but it doesnt include feeling sorry for what they did to us, it stems from other issues, What would do if they ever said, Hey I am truly sorry I never meant to hurt you!! I would probably tell them to go to hell because you most certainly did mean to hurt me and now I have to pay for the sickness your projected on to me. Dont let any counselor tell you, you shouldnt have done this or that or check his phone, we had the right to do all those things because we didnt TRUST them, all you should hear from a counselor is steps to remove yourself from this unhealthy relationship his focus should be on the damage you suffered and how he can help you overcome them and undo the damage he inflicted on you and that is taking huge responsibiity in ourselves by seeking professional help. THe Predator cares nothing of our tears, our deep hurt, our deep violation of trust, he cares nothing of how much love we had for them, but we do and it is up to us to once again learn to trust and learn to love again and that requires professional help.

Get rid of the therapist. Just my opinion. See, I did some things too - checking phone, looking in drawers, closet, etc. Why? Because he would gaslight me and I would be looking for proof in order to confirm reality. He would say something, contradict himself later and then I would say "but you said..." and he would reply "I never said that." Other times I would say "well, you did..." and he would say "no, I didn't." It was awful so I had to occasionally check around so I could prove things to myself. I don't think you did anything different than what alot of people with Ns would do. Don't feel badly about this. Find a therapist who knows what Ns are about.

fire her, she is awful, not an expert on what these men do, how can we take any blame for being set up as a victim? My counselor said your responsablity now is to save yourself, NC and heal from this predator that did his best to destroy you.

GET ANOTHER THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not YOU it's him. You now need to deal with what HE did to you and learn how to move on. None of what happened whas your fault. Get another therapist. I WILL Survive.

Your therapist is making you wrong so that you can pay her to make you right. In the world of dealing with the kind of man who are so crazy making is that people do all kinds of out of character things. You don't need to have anyone tell you that you are wrong and because she is a professional she makes you feel better to be wrong. You did something to protect yourself and find out who you were really dealing with and what he was doing. An invasion of privacy, when you are in an intimate relationship, is what exactly? Get a therapist that wants you to see what was done to you, makes you feel good about trying to defend yourself, and can explain what this guy did to you. Narcs do 'crazy-making' communitcation. It is subtle, malicious, controling, and abusive. Their methods are so out of anyone's frame of reference that you didn't know what was happening to you exactly but your gut told you something was very wrong. It sounds like you did your best to bring some information about his activities so that you could get some structure into his mind control game. Some women who were controlled by their narc's stock and trade blah blah bull-I don't want a relationship? well then what is he doing with you? He just mind gamed you so you looked at his computer or cell things that were open access. You didn't do anything wrong. I think some women, who are confused by a professional confuser, might be benefited by watching the old Ingrid Bergman movie 'Gaslight' in this film the woman accepts that she is crazy when actually things are being deliberately done to her to make her think that. My ex did it with words and with actions. When I was married I could never find my keys for instance. when I divorced him I never lost my keys and then it dawned on me that he had been moving them and hiding them for at least 2 years. My therapist told me I had a 'focus' problem due to obsession that I was being deliberately victimized. I got another woman therapist who was great,she told me what had happened to me, how it affects most people, gave it a name-a label so I could read about that type of abuse, and then helped me get to a secure place again where I didn't mistrust my own judgement. A good rule of thumb is beware any therapist who makes you wrong. that isn't what therapy is about. It is about learning a clarity about yourself, the world around you, and how you relate to that world so that it is successful for you. the guy you were with got a high out of confusing and devaluing you. You are just trying to find a healthy place. You will find it but if you want a therapist, as a guide, you might want to look for another one who is more informed about mind control and 'gas-lighting' and can help you.

wow. i don't think there is a woman on this planet that wouldn't check her BF or husband's phone if she had a GUT feeling and a REASON to feel suspicous. which it sounds like u did. don't beat yourself up for that. that's not "bunny boiling" behaviour. i have never been the type to snoop or invade privacy and at the end of my last relationship i found myself looking on his phone...he took it in the bathromm with him one night which i thought was weird so the next time he left it out i looked....only to find all his inbox/outbox text messages empty...hmm). anyways, i wouldn't have done that without my gut feelings or reasons to feel suspicious. i've just read your story and your suspicions were RIGHT! how is that your fault?? there's nothing wrong with taking accountability and all....but being in an abnormal situation with an abnormal person makes us do things we wouldn't normally do. and that guy is a liar. you caught him and he blames you?! yikes! FIND A NEW THERAPIST.

She doesn't seem understanding of pathological abuse imho. There is a reason we do things we wouldn't ordinarily do??? Check phones, etc?? Because they keep us in a state of heightened paranoia with their antics. I don't feel like she's implying ownership, she's implying blame. My opinion is to keep looking, MissM. I don't blame you one bit for feeling lousy! Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right fit in a therapist ~ please don't be discouraged! YOUR part is to pursue to the best of your ability ~ NC, therapy, education, being good to yourself, so you can keep away ex-creep, and spot future creeps.

NO way are you a bunny boiler, i just re read your story and you said you checked his phone cos you had a gut feeling............your gut feeling was right!!!!!!!!!!!!..........and now you got to therapy to come away looking at what you did wrong and to call yourself a bunny boiler.........i really don't think that is progress. Carolyn is always advising to hire private detectives if necessary to check out people and the latest blog talk radio advises to do checks. You were looking after yourself. I would do this in future it could save me a hell of a lot of heartache in the long run. What are you going to do now ignore your gut feeling and call yourself names.

Hi, I just don't feel comfortable with that idea. Although it is good to look at oneself in an ordinary situation i would say that would be a good thing. In this situation, in hindsight, i would have focused on exN part in it and motivations and educated myself on narcissism and pathology. Then when i felt stronger and less involved in the blame shifting that they do i would look at myself as and when things were clearer. To do that early on which is what i did only led me to beat myself up for what i did or didn't do or caused the split. I say WTH if i looked at a phone and checked this and that. it would have been cos you sense the vibes and don't trust and there is a reason for that. I'm not sensing this therapist is understanding narcs and how to deal with them and the situation. I may be wrong but i just didn't like the way you were taking such responsibility for a crazy making person.