My father the psychopath

I am having a rough day.Last night i met with my 14 year old daughters counselor at the program she had to go in for ~CUTTING~/depression/suicidal thoughts/possible personality disorder starting-borderline. It was dealing with anger problems(parents group/counseling for us to help our child)there i was with kids dad-who-i loved and he IS normal,but,he had a porn addiction when young and it resurfaced to destroy our marriage....then,SATAN entered in through a psychopath-my last husband.Anyway,it showed i just had MILD anger issues-they scored the test from mild,moderate,severe anger issues.I had to tell when mine hit a 10(which often it doesnt)....well,once was when my dad hit me while 8 1/2 months pregnant across my naked back(sun-dress)with a leather strap! I cursed him-ran to the car and he tried to kick it open and i pulled a 38 on his a..,then,there was the time my dad threatened to KILL me at 8 if i told another LIE on him-the lie(TRUTH IN FACT!)was that he RUBBED me up on the front of his groin in a way that made me feel ~DIRTY~! then,there was the time he gave my younger brother the pellet gun and told him to shoot my sister in her legs!!!!!!! I saw it and told my brother if he did that i'd take it away from him and shoot HIM! Then,daddy dearest gave me a switch blade and told me to cut a girls guts out at school for arguing with me-saying smack to me...then,the time when daddy was jumping on to my passive grandpappy and i saw it and realized full well,that,IF i did NOT PROTECT myself-NO-ONE would/could.....i was 12 years old when i remember thinking everyone has to sleep some-time-i was going to slit my dads throat in his sleep! i remember seeing my mother get in front of his car BEGGING him to stay-i remember saying run over HER and LEAVE! I would be rid of them both-she a classic narc! SELFISH,COLD,to me and my sister....self-absorbed.Later on my brothers son shot and killed a man on daddys property that my brothers son was having an affair with his wife! The man went to confront him over it-My daddys response? THE SON-OF-A-BITCH deserved to die-he had no business on my LAND! YES! ALL TRUE! I have PTSD but mine stems from a life-time of abuses-being called stupid,crazy,(i have add) and i'd never amount to nothing-and-noone can put up with YOU(mom said this).....then,never having anyone but the kids dad that i could EVER,EVER trust then,he betrayed that-and-i fell in the pit of the ULTIMATE abuse-the PSYCHOPATH ex husband.I'm not feeling sorry for myself,but,reflecting on a lifetime of abuse that seems unending.I never learned to love myself-always selfless in my life. Always giving,loving,nurturing,loyal,committed-what did i do to deserve such evil -i was only here/borne.